Thursday, March 08, 2018

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers! From the most prolific joke writer on the planet...!


A report says the Baltimore Ravens didn’t sign Colin Kaepernick because a high ranking military official thought it would be polarizing for the city. Apparently the team doesn’t want protesters and draws the line at hiring murderers like Ray Lewis.

A report says the Baltimore Ravens didn’t sign Colin Kaepernick because a high ranking military official thought it would be polarizing for the city. Apparently it wasn’t enough for the military that he is highly capable of throwing long bombs.

A report says CNN spent 75% of its air rime covering the breakdown of Sam Nunberg. Mostly because there were no reported disappearances that day of any pretty blue-eyed blonde women.

France is set to lower the age of legal consent to 15. Which immediately increased by ten times the number of Frenchmen who signed up as members on Myspace.

France is set to lower the age of legal consent to 15. As opposed to Alabama where there’s a word for 15 year olds who aren’t already sexually active. Spinster.

Coca-Cola will launch their first ever alcoholic drink. Which they are finally figuring would have been the way back in 1985 to get the idea of New Coke to catch on.

John Williams says he will quit scoring “Star Wars” movies. Mostly because he has done ten already, and even Beethoven called it quits after nine symphonies.

John Williams says he will quit scoring “Star Wars” movies. Apparently he drew the line when producers wanted him to write a love theme for Jar Jar Binks.

Health experts are warning there is a crisis over male fertility. Mostly because it’s hard for men to even get a date when they are 34, live in their parents’ basement and work as an Uber driver.

Health experts are warning there is a crisis over male fertility. Apparently the problem started the day Kevin Federline settled down and got off the dating market.

Some school districts are considering four day school weeks. The immediate advantage to dropping a day will be 20% fewer school shootings.

Vladimir Putin called the U.S. political system “unpredictable.” Mostly because he wasn’t positive until Election Day that his country could manipulate our votes.

An Arizona State University professor known for his work on the Doomsday Clock has been suspended for sexual misconduct. The irony is that the Doomsday Clock has been reset to five minutes before midnight on his career.

Firefighters are battling wildfires in Kansas and Nebraska. People were surprised at the news. What is there in Kansas and Nebraska that can even burn?

Firefighters are battling wildfires in Kansas and Nebraska. The biggest fear is crews in Nebraska risking being overcome by uncontrollable waves of popcorn.

Florida lawmakers have voted to stay on Daylight Saving Time all year. Apparently they will do anything to keep from losing an hour’s sleep this coming weekend.

Florida lawmakers have voted to stay on Daylight Saving Time all year. That way they will only have to turn the clocks in the state back once to 1958.

Florida lawmakers have voted to stay on Daylight Saving Time all year. Apparently many residents like the idea of going an extra hour into the evening before having to use the infrared scopes on their assault rifles.

Belgium has issued iodine pills to protect people in case of a nuclear accident. Which these days is the fear that Donald Trump will punch the wrong codes into the nuclear football.

Stanford students protested outside Apple headquarters over smartphone addiction. Organizers were able to round up a flashmob on Twitter, livestreamed it on Facebook and posted pictures of the event on Snapchat.

A report says Amazon’s Alexa has been laughing creepily at users. So did Frances McDormand in her Academy Awards speech but she walked away with an Oscar.

Virgin Atlantic is adding a no frills option Economy Light class. Things are getting out of hand when passengers have to pay an extra fee for a seat belt and tray table.

Virgin Atlantic is adding a no frills option Economy Light class. As opposed to United which still offers its no frills option called First Class.

Virgin Atlantic is adding a no frills option Economy Light class. Which pretty much involves giving passengers a seat and a promise to try to get their luggage to the right location.

Virgin Atlantic is adding a no frills option Economy Light class. Which is great for people who aren’t really interested in travel but want to spend as little money as it takes to get a full body search by the TSA.

The NCAA raked in more than a Billion dollars last year. The only problem is that $900 Million of that went to Louisville, Arizona and USC to cover the cost of bribing their players.

A report says Wells Fargo is the top banker for the NRA and gun makers. Although in their defense it is hard to turn down customers when looking down the business end of an AK-47.

Investor Carl Icahn denies he had knowledge of steel and aluminum tariffs before selling off $31 Million in stock in a steel dependent company. It turns out he also sold off to unsuspecting buyers the shares he says he owns in the Brooklyn Bridge.

Thousands of cheerleaders were exposed to mumps at a national competition in Dallas. They were notified with a text message saying “Give me an M-U-M-P-S!”

A report says soon people will be able to take their blood pressure by touching their finger to their smartphone. The only problem is it will give a sky-high reading if they do it right after their carrier AT&T drops another call.

Experts say banning menthol cigarettes could help some people quit smoking. Mostly the smokers who feel lung cancer and emphysema just aren’t as enticing without the refreshing odor of mint.

A study says being exposed to even small amounts of light during sleep is linked to depression. Mostly the men caught by their wives’ flashlights while trying to sneak into the bedroom at 3:00 in the morning.

A study says dieting pressure can harm teenagers and their future children. Although the ones who are already obese as teenagers probably don’t have to worry as much as the others about every getting pregnant.

A study says dieting pressure can harm teenagers and their future children. Except the ones whose parents think they are getting fat when they are really just pregnant.

A study says even small stresses of daily life can hurt a person’s health in the future. The good news is that most people avoid small stress because their day is full of bigger stress like the state of their marriage, job and life savings.

A study says babies that look like their fathers could see a health boost. Except for the depression experienced by Alexa Ray Joel worrying she will turn out more like Billy Joel instead of Christie Brinkley.

A doctor-assisted suicide measure is moving forward in Hawaii. It’s mostly supported by people who can’t take the thought of eating one more Spam sandwich.

A study says emitting a grunt or squeal during sports could have a greater benefit on performance. Which means any day on the PGA Tour, one of the golfers will make a swing and yell out “I’m Da Man!”

A study says emitting a grunt or squeal during sports could have a greater benefit on performance. The only problem is that it can be a distraction, like when Maria Sharapova’s opponents have to leave the court because she set off their car alarm.

A gene study will try to explain why elephants don’t get cancer. Which could have something to do with how hard it is to hold a cigarette in one of those trunks.

The CDC says guinea pigs may be giving people salmonella. The irony is when those people are used in medical experiments to see if they can find a cure.

Lindsey Vonn says she can’t find a suitable date now that she is single. She just needs to learn how to shoosh right.

Lindsey Vonn says she can’t find a suitable date now that she is single. The problem is that the dating scene for Olympic caliber skiers can be a slippery slope.

Queen Elizabeth II has reportedly made $9 Million racing her horses over the past 30 years. Although her hobby has caused friction within the Royal Family, especially with Prince Charles when she keeps trying to put a saddle on Camilla Parker Bowles.

Paris Jackson is telling her fans to stop editing her skin color online. She wants to be more like her dad and only have them keep changing the shape of her nose.

A lawsuit has been filed by a bettor against a trainer saying he lost money because of horses that were doped. The problem is that it will be hard to prove the libel part of the suit because of testimony coming straight from the horse’s mouth.

A Florida weightlifting coach has been arrested for selling Viagra and Cialis to his students. Apparently it was his way of getting them up for their matches.

A Florida weightlifting coach has been arrested for selling Viagra and Cialis to his students. Apparently he wanted them to do well in the snatch competition.

Tom Brady’s message to his kids after losing the Super Bowl is that “you don’t always win.” Which made everyone immediately feel sorry for the multimillionaire NFL star quarterback MVP with the supermodel wife.

Justin Thomas had his wisdom teeth removed this week. Mostly on orders from his mom instead of washing out his mouth with soap for being caught dropping an F-Bomb during the Honda Classic.

The head of the U.S. Forest Service has resigned over sexual misconduct allegations. Apparently he kept telling all the women in the office he was sporting some wood.

A poll says 54% of Americans say they wouldn’t want their child or grandchild to run for President. Mostly because they don’t want another excuse for the kids to ask for even more money than they do now.

A poll says 54% of Americans say they wouldn’t want their child or grandchild to run for President. The other 46% are from the South and like the idea of their kids living in a house with a movie theater, bowling alley and indoor plumbing.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Do you like the jokes? Check here for “yes,” and over here for “no.”  I hope I win. That would be pretty cool. I am glad you all keep coming back to check out the humor, or attempts at such. Feel free to tell all your friends and relatives, especially the ones you want to make mad enough that they quit coming over for holiday dinners. Then you can invite me instead. But then, my greatest reward is when you all remember to always keep sending the love!




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