Wednesday, March 07, 2018

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers! From the most prolific joke writer on the planet...!


Jeff Bezos’ wealth has soared $39 Billion already this year. Although it is set to come back down by $44 Billion after customers return all the broken crap they bought on Amazon.

A report says 42% of Americans have less than $10,000 saved, risking retiring broke. The good news is they still have time to put something away before they actually have a chance to retire by the time they reach 93.

A report says 42% of Americans have less than $10,000 saved, risking retiring broke. The sad part is it’s not any better for the other 58% who have saved $11,000.

The oldest known message in a bottle has been found on a Washington State beach dating back 132 years. The note inside reportedly says “no deposit, no return.”

The oldest known message in a bottle has been found on a Washington State beach dating back 132 years. The note inside says “Need a refill here!”

Fox says it wants to reduce ad time to two minutes an hour by 2020. The only problem will be finding sponsors who want to even buy two minutes on “The Mick.”

Amazon says thousands of workers bring their dogs to the job every day. Mostly because they don’t want to leave the dogs at home while they are forced to work 16 hour shifts with no break.

A boxer is blaming contaminated meat for causing him to fail a drug test. Apparently he tested positive for chalupa.

Nashville Mayor Megan Barry has resigned over felony theft charges. Which means Washington D.C.’s Marion will no longer be known as the worst Mayor Barry ever.

An analysis says news coverage of Donald Trump is 91% negative. The other 9% is what appears on Fox News.

An analysis says news coverage of Donald Trump is 91% negative. People were shocked. Someone was able to find 9% of something positive about Trump?

George W. Bush says Donald Trump is “making me look pretty good” by comparison. How scary is that coming from the person who gave us the war in Iraq, the mortgage crisis and Hurricane Katrina?

George W. Bush says Donald Trump is “making me look pretty good” by comparison. It’s getting so bad even Mike Brown is starting to make fun of the White House staff.

China’s “social credit” system is blacklisting “lazy” or “wasteful” citizens and allowing those who behave well to borrow money. In the U.S. we would never allow that to happen. That’s always been the job of the banks.

A survey says the city with the latest risers is Atlantic City, New Jersey. Mostly because it’s not like anyone there has a job to be at or any money to go to a casino.

A measure to tax online sales in Nebraska is moving forward. Which could be bad news for the three people in Nebraska who actually own computers.

Jeff Bezos’ wealth is said to equal the combined assets of 2.3 Million Americans. Which for most people means that he has now amassed as much as $2.3 Million.

The New York Stock Exchange has been fined $14 Million by the SEC for serious rules violations. Which makes up a little for the $0 they were fined for helping crash the economy back in 2008.

McDonald’s says it will start using fresh meat in its Quarter Pounder hamburgers but not in Big Macs. Mostly because their customers would be surprised to find out there is any beef inside a Big Mac in the first place.

McDonald’s says it will start using fresh meat in its Quarter Pounder hamburgers but not in Big Macs. However, in order to not break tradition they will still wrap them in the same stale buns.

Donald Trump says the Oscar ratings were low because we “don’t have stars anymore.” And who knows more about low ratings than the former host of “Celebrity Apprentice” who is pulling 35% favorable numbers as President?

Barbie is launching 17 new dolls honoring historical and modern role models. Which will hopefully offset the image created for girls by the original Barbie doll.

A report says Donald Trump’s net worth dropped $400 Million last year. Mostly from his casinos losing money having to pay off all those people who bet that Trump would actually win the election.

A report says Donald Trump’s net worth dropped $400 Million last year. Apparently he invested heavily in the defense industry and still hasn’t started even one war yet.

The Arizona Diamondbacks are bringing back the bullpen cart. Apparently they are preparing for when Bartolo Colon’s team plays there and they can’t wait three hours for the 44 year old 285 pitcher to walk all the way to the mound.

Boeing says it is getting ready to sell flying taxis within the next decade. Although if they are like regular taxis and are cramped, smelly and overpriced, people might as well just stick with flying United.

A study says opioids are no better than Tylenol for chronic pain. Mostly because morphine, heroin and Fentanyl aren’t enough for most people’s chronic pain.

A study says opioids are no better than Tylenol for chronic pain. Although as Snoop Dogg has found out, the more chronic, the less pain.

A study says people who were pressured by their parents to diet as adolescents have a high risk of being obese as adults. Mostly because if you are already fat when you are 10, don’t expect a lot of change when you hit 40.

A study says there is no link between pot use and kidney disease. Except for the stoners who like to drink the leftover bong water.

Cleveland Cavaliers star Kevin Love revealed he suffers panic attacks. The first one coming when he thought he was being traded to the Clippers.

The ratings for the Oscars on Sunday dropped to an all-time low. Apparently viewers were disappointed that unlike last year, the statuettes kept being given to the real winners.

The ratings for the Oscars on Sunday dropped to an all-time low. Mostly because at four hours long, the show was more drawn out than watching “The English Patient.”

Tower Records founder Russ Solomon has died at 92. The sad part is at that age he was still one of the younger people who even remember what a record is.

Two lawyers representing Suge Knight are being accused of plotting to bribe potential murder witnesses. It looks like he is getting soft. The old Suge Knight would have just had all the witnesses killed.

Steve Kerr says undrafted college basketball players should be allowed to return to school. Which is different than the 1960s when students enrolled in school mainly to avoid being drafted.

NFL referee Ed Hochuli will retire after 28 years in the league. His plans are to take his shirt and accept a job helping out at the Foot Locker.

NFL referee Ed Hochuli will retire after 28 years in the league. His son will be taking over his position, making Hochuli happy to know he will be following in his cleats.

NFL referee Ed Hochuli will retire after 28 years in the league. Although it was more like 23 years if you don’t count the time spent reviewing replays of challenged calls.

The Celtics Marcus Smart has been fined $15,000 for publicly criticizing officiating. It looks like Marcus wasn’t very smart.

NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell ran a 5.41 second 40 yard dash down a hallway wearing a suit. He hasn’t moved that fast since his latest contract extension was put on the table.

Bumble, a dating app geared toward women will sponsor a patch on the jerseys of the L.A. Clippers. Which is ironic because the NBA is also pretty much a dating app geared toward women.

Gary Cohn has resigned as Donald Trump’s top economic adviser. People were shocked at the implications. Trump takes advice?

Gary Cohn has resigned as Donald Trump’s top economic adviser. Apparently he was tired of constantly advising Trump “Don’t do that.”

A survey says 4 in 10 Venezuelans would leave the country for good if they could. The other 6 are already on the way north to sneak into the U.S.

Dating app Bumble says they will ban profile photos that include firearms. Especially when the narrative says turn-ons include late night walks, searching for a soul mate and enjoying emptying a 100 round clip into an abandoned car.

Dating app Bumble says they will ban profile photos that include firearms. Especially when the narrative says “I have you in my sights!”

Dating app Bumble says they will ban profile photos that include firearms. Because what is more romantic than a man showing he has an affinity for the same AK-47 preferred by almost every mass murderer in history.

A study says talking to teens about going on a diet can backfire. Mostly because trying to talk to a teenager about anything has a pretty good chance of backfiring.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! A big shout out to the teachers in my state of West Virginia who took on the legislature and governor and got the pay raise they went on strike for. It’s no secret that teachers don’t get paid enough and it’s nice to see them showing the solidarity it takes to get results. Teachers in several other states are now considering following their lead. It could be another movement! I’ve always said that thanks to teachers, my jokes may not be funny but they are at least grammatically correct. And that’s what counts, right? The only other thing that counts is when you all remember to always keep on sending the love!



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