Tuesday, March 06, 2018

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers! from the most prolific joke writer on the planet...!


Did you watch the Oscars Sunday night? What was with the set design? It reminded me of an old fake diamond encrusted Timex watch I used to wear back in the 1970s.

What was with the Academy Awards stage design of the Oscars? It looks like they finally found something to do with the set from Superman’s Fortress of Solitude.

Frances McDormand’s Oscar was briefly stolen during an after party. It was the worst attempt of an Academy Award theft since Price Waterhouse gave the wrong Best Picture envelope last year.

Frances McDormand’s Oscar was briefly stolen during an after party. It was the biggest theft at the Academy Awards since “Argo” took Best Picture in 2012.

Gary Oldman won the Best Actor Oscar this year. Which was no surprise since it’s usually a safe bet that award will usually be handed out to an old man.

Russia is accusing the U.S. of election meddling. Which is true, Not with their elections but whenever the final results depend on what happens in Florida.

The Iranian Supreme Leader is demanding that Americans disarm. How bad is it to be called out for violent behavior from a figurehead in the Middle East?

The U.S. is set to become the world’s largest oil producer. The only problem is that historically speaking, we are now in danger of being invaded by ourselves.

The University of Colorado at Colorado Springs accidentally sent out 11,000 acceptance letters to the wrong applicants. The school was worried that it would look like it was easier to get into than UNLV.

A robotic burger flipper is being used at a California fast food restaurant. So far the only difference is that when it gets mad, instead of spitting on the food it just leaks out a little oil.

Workers at a Chicago day care are being charged with giving gummy bears laced with melatonin to kids to make them tired at nap time. Which it turns out the melatonin just offsets the sugar high the kids get from the gummy bears.

A report says straight white males are being excluded from mixers at the Emerald City Comic Con. Mostly because any straight white males at a Comic Con have the social skills of the characters on “The Big Bang Theory.”

A report says straight white males are being excluded from mixers at the Emerald City Comic Con. People were surprised. Straight white makes go to Comic Con?

A massive brawl and stabbing took place outside a Chuck E. Cheese’s restaurant in New Jersey. No one even knew they were having a cast reunion of “Jersey Shore.”

A massive brawl and stabbing took place outside a Chuck E. Cheese’s restaurant in New Jersey. Which apparently was just the people with the next party reservation warming up for when they got inside.

The Senate is set to rollback major banking regulations. People were surprised. Banks like Wells Fargo are actually supposed to be following some rules?

The Senate is set to rollback major banking regulations. What could go wrong? The last time they did it all that happened was the crashing of the global economy.

A report says the wealthy are using high-end pawnshops to finance their business ideas. Which after their business fails they will be like everyone else and use regular pawnshops to try to make it through the end of every month.

United Airlines has dropped a controversial plan to give out employee bonuses through a lottery. Apparently they will just continue to use the lottery to decide which passengers get dragged off their plane.

United Airlines has dropped a controversial plan to give out employee bonuses through a lottery. Which is ironic in that the odds of flying United and arriving in the right city on time are exactly the same as winning the lottery.

A Moscow lawmaker is suggesting the death penalty for anyone interfering in the upcoming Russian election. The way to tell there has been tampering is if Vladimir Putin ends up with anything less than 98% of the votes.

A former Russian spy in the UK fell ill after being exposed to an unknown substance. It’s the last time he will ever go out and order a plate of haggis.

Arlington, Texas has given up on buses to instead go with a ride sharing service. The only problem is for people who find it a bit uncomfortable being driven around town in the back up a pickup truck.

A Florida school has removed a teacher who hosted a white supremacist podcast. Mostly because in Florida they feel a person like that is more of a benefit serving in the state legislature.

Amazon wants to offer bank-like financial services like checking accounts. That is, if anyone who uses Amazon actually had enough money to open a checking account.

Five types of apples thought to be extinct were rediscovered in Washington State and Idaho. The sad part is the only five types of apples most people know are pie, crisp, turnover, tart and cobbler.

Facebook has apologized for a survey asking adults if it’s OK to ask minors for sexual images. Which was unnecessary to send because anyone answering “yes” would be over on Myspace anyway.

Wal-Mart has started offering meal kids and prepared dinners. Which most Wal-Mart shoppers already know as Kraft Macaroni & Cheese.

A study says cleaning products are linked to a decline in lung function in women. Almost as much as the drop in lung function from screaming at their husbands to help them with cleaning the house.

A study says cleaning products are linked to declining lung function in women. A similar study will be done on men just as soon as one actually every uses a cleaning product.

A study says cleaning products are linked to a decline in lung function in women. A similar study will be done with men on products they are always using like beer, charcoal and car wax.

A study says cleaning products are linked to a decline in lung function in women. Men are more willing to take their chances on the health risk from constantly breathing in a mixture of mold, mildew and bacteria.

A study says people with heart disease should think more about exercise and not weight loss. Although if those people had ever tried to lose weight and exercise before, they wouldn’t have heart disease in the first place.

A New York toddler needs a $125,000 surgery to allow her to smile for the first time. Ironically, her parents will smile for the last time right before they get the bill.

A survey says Americans may no longer prefer having sons to daughters. Mostly after seeing what the parents of the Baldwin Brothers are still going through.

Uber is offering to take patients to their next medical appointment or to doctor’s visits. Especially for the ones who need to go to the ER after being assaulted by their Uber driver.

Mexican filmmaker Guillermo del Toro walked away with four Oscars Sunday including Best Picture and Best Director. After which Donald Trump started threatening to now build a wall around Hollywood.

Frances McDormand gave a rambling speech with a cackling laugh after winning the Best Actress award at the Oscars. To which Sally Fields says at least she is now off the hook for her “You like me!” speech.

The odds for winning March Madness are Villanova at 9-2, Duke at 5-1 and Virginia at 6-1. Although the real favorite for keeping the trophy is any team that isn’t going to have to try to cover up a sex or bribery scandal.

Former Cardinals running back Beanie Wells says he is suffering from the effects of a traumatic brain injury. Which could have been prevented if he had worn a helmet instead of that beanie.

Sir Roger Bannister, the first man to break the four-minute mile has died at age 88. Even more impressive was the time he was able to drive his car on the L.A. 405 Freeway one mile in under 27 minutes.

The NBA says it wants to improve its relationship with elite high school basketball players. Especially the ones who will join the league after getting out of high school and doing their college one and done.

A former aide to Donald Trump insulted White House workers and dared Robert Mueller to throw him in jail. Who does this guy think he is, Donald Trump?

Paul Ryan has broken with Donald Trump over proposed tariffs on steel and aluminum. Although Trump will come around when he realizes those will quadruple the prices on his steel golf club shafts and 12 daily cans of Diet Coke.

A poll says a majority of Americans don’t trust Donald Trump to stop Russians from meddling in our elections. Especially if he decides to run for a second term.

Donald Trump’s lawyer says he wasn’t reimbursed for $130,000 he paid to keep a porn star quiet. Expecting Donald Trump to pay back hush money is like thinking your brother-in-law will pay back for a loan to place on a sure-bet horse race.

Donald Trump’s lawyer says he wasn’t reimbursed for $130,000 he paid to keep a porn star quiet. That’s like expecting to get the $100 back you gave a Skid Row wino on Saturday night.

Pizza Hut has made a pair of shoes that can be used to order pizza. Next they will be coming out with cross trainers for people who want to run back and forth between the pizzeria and Krispy Kremes shop.

Pizza Hut has made a pair of shoes that can be used to order pizza. Obviously the only style they come in is loafers.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Thanks for checking out the blog. I have nothing to really rant about today, which just doesn’t seem right. Oh, well. It will eventually come to me. I am just happy to know that you all keep checking in to read the jokes and that you even come back once in awhile. Of course, I am never happier than when you all remember to always keep on sending the love!



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