Sunday, March 04, 2018

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers! From the most prolific joke writer on the planet...!


Airlines canceled 2,100 flights over the weekend because of the effects of the fierce Nor’Easter. To which United Airlines is saying “There was a storm?”

A poll says voters want to elect congressional representatives who stand up to Donald Trump. Which means they all want to pick Melania.

A study says uptempo music helps with exercising longer. Mostly because on the other hand, after listening to Adele long enough people end up in the fetal position.

A report says tech elites are fasting and taking ice baths to push their bodies to work harder. Apparently sitting at a desk all day just doesn’t give them enough energy to make those last important key strokes.

A report says tech elites are fasting and taking ice baths to push their bodies to work harder. Which is ironic because their companies’ low end workers do the same thing because they don’t make enough to afford food or pay their hot water bill.

Weight Watchers is shifting from weight loss to overall wellness. In other words, if at first you don’t succeed…

Weight Watchers is shifting from weight loss to overall wellness. It’s just that overall wellness is a little harder to achieve for someone tipping the scales at 350 pounds.

The Oscars acknowledged the “Time’s Up’ movement with an official moment during the ceremonies. Which is different than how time’s up is usually observed at the awards when the winners are played off the stage.

The Tulsa Opera is making history with the first transgender woman in the principal role. It’s the one where it isn’t over until the fat gender neutral person sings.

The Tulsa Opera is making history with the first transgender woman in the principal role. People were shocked at the news. Tulsa has an opera?

Steph Curry left a hotel room in shambles with an errant golf swing. Which is no surprise as the same results would happen if John Daly was in a room trying to shoot a basketball.

Donald Trump says trade wars are “good and easy to win.” The bad part is he considers it just a warm up for all the real wars he intends to start.

The CEO of Delta Airlines says “We support the Second Amendment.” Although just see how long you last trying to exercise the First Amendment on one of their planes.

The CEO of Delta Airlines says “We support the Second Amendment.” They just don’t believe in the passengers bill of rights.

Americans are borrowing record amounts for auto loans. Mostly because they need a car as the only jobs they can get anymore are delivering pizza and driving for Uber.

J.C. Penney is cutting 360 jobs . Which is sad because they will be losing that one-on-one relationship they have with their remaining 360 customers.

A Silicon Valley house sold for $2,358 a square foot. To make homes sound more affordable there, real estate companies will soon have to price by the square inch.

A Silicon Valley house sold for $2,358 a square foot. It’s getting so bad there, a couple recently paid $300,000 for a converted phone booth.

A Silicon Valley house sold for $2,358 a square foot. The worst part is it would have cost more if it wasn’t listed as a fixer upper.

A report says 80% of Millennials who asked for a raise in the past two years got one. Mostly because they convinced their companies that working there ten years with a college degree, they are finally worth minimum wage.

Warren Beatty and Faye Dunaway were again picked to give out the Best Picture Oscar. Mostly because at age 80 and 77 respectively, they were the only two who didn’t remember what happened when they tried it last year.

Doctors in Nairobi performed a cerebral operation on the wrong patient. The hospital defended the error, saying it wasn’t like it was brain surgery.

A college freshman is pioneering a method to save brain neuron cells. Mostly by getting her classmates to stop throwing weekend keg parties.

A report says lab grown meat could be on store shelves by 2021. The only problem is that they will probably be in the same place by 2022.

Johns Hopkins is set to open a hearing center with a $10 Million gift. To which a university spokesperson answered questions about the project with “What?”

Johns Hopkins is set to open a hearing center with a $10 Million gift. They will fight hearing loss by telling students at the university to “turn down that music!”

The NFL has created a 107 page playbook that addresses concussions, joint injuries and drug abuse. Which pretty much tells players the way to avoid those conditions is not play professional football.

The NFL has created a 107 page playbook that addresses concussions, joint injuries and drug abuse. Which for players ends up in a permanent reel of instant replay.

A study says selfies distort faces like a “funhouse mirror.” Which just serves as an excuse for the ones people don’t like because the picture makes them look fat.

A study says selfies distort faces like a “funhouse mirror.” What else did people expect when they started relying on photos taken by a telephone?

Data shows Americans are turning to non-surgical means of fat reduction like radio waves, infrared light and medication. Apparently trying more traditional methods gets in the way of their lifestyle of sitting on the couch all day eating junk food.

A study says big swings in temperatures may be tied to the risk of heart attacks. Like how a chill comes over the room when your wife finds out who you have been chatting with on social media.

Police were called to Tori Spelling’s home for a “mental breakdown.” They’re just figuring that out now?

Tiger Woods is one of the top eight favorites to win the Masters this year. Which would make more sense if the bookmakers weren’t aware there are more than eight players in the field this year.

The Cleveland Cavaliers suspended guard J.R. Smith for throwing a bowl of soup at a coach. The question is, what was Smith doing with a bowl of soup on the court?

The Cleveland Cavaliers suspended guard J.R. Smith for throwing a bowl of soup at a coach. The suspension came when it was decided his behavior was just too cavalier.

The Cleveland Cavaliers suspended guard J.R. Smith for throwing a bowl of soup at a coach. The team has told him “No soup for you!”

The Cleveland Cavaliers suspended guard J.R. Smith for throwing a bowl of soup at a coach. Which was a lot better than if he threw the soup while it was still in the can.

A study suggests that MLB baseballs are juiced. Mostly because with the record number of home runs, something has to be juiced now that the players aren’t.

A study by 538.com says MLB baseballs are juiced. Of course, this is the same company that said Hillary Clinton was going to be elected President in 2016.

A study by 538.com says MLB baseballs are juiced. Which is a coincidence as 538 is now the average number of feet the typical fly ball travels.

Shaquille O’Neal says he is not impressed with the person impersonating him on “Saturday Night Live.” He’s just lucky they didn’t also give that role to Alec Baldwin.

Shaquille O’Neal says he is not impressed with the person impersonating him on “Saturday Night Live.” He has to understand it isn’t easy to find a comedian who happens to also be 7’1” and 350 pounds.

Bartolo Colon says he is excited to be back in the American League where he doesn’t have to hit of run. Mostly because at age 44 and weighing 285 pounds, it’s getting harder just to get off the bench every inning to walk to the mound.

Officials say Donald Trump became “unglued” when he started a trade war. Until now, it was the first time “unglued” was used about him other than with his hair.

Donald Trump is reportedly frustrated with Jared Kushner over his recent negative press. To which Kushner is saying “Back at ya!”

Donald Trump is looking at potential candidates to replace outgoing Communications Director Hope Hicks. Although everyone is kind of hoping he will go with the obvious choice of Melissa McCarthy.

Rand Paul wants to repeal the federal law banning guns from school zones. What could possibly go wrong with that idea?

Rand Paul wants to repeal the federal law banning guns from school zones. Which seems like a non-issue over a law that has been about as widely enforced as the 55 MPH speed limit.

Rand Paul wants to repeal the federal law banning guns from school zones. And while he’s at it, how about getting rid of those annoying signs saying “quiet” in hospital zones?

A report says 1.5 Million rare penguins were found in Antarctica. Which pretty much takes away the description of them being rare anymore.

A report says 1.5 Million rare penguins were found in Antarctica. Well, where else would they expect to find them?

Google is being sued by a former recruiter for complaining about hiring practices discriminating against Asian and white men. Apparently he felt it was wrong for white and Asian men make up only 99.6% of the company’s work force.

A study says most Uber and Lyft drivers make less than many states’ minimum wage. What’s worse is that they drive for Uber and Lyft because they don’t make enough money to afford to take a ride from Uber or Lyft.

A study says most Uber and Lyft drivers make less than many states’ minimum wage. The average salary works out to $3.37 an hour, which most drivers say they are happy that at least it’s better than working for Amazon.

A study says reducing meal portion sizes has nothing to do with weight loss. The question is, how will we ever know?

A study says reducing meal portion sizes has nothing to do with weight loss. Meaning it won’t do much good to cut from three times the daily recommended calories to only double.

New Jersey finished 49th on a list of states’ quality of life. Apparently it took a lot of research to move it up from their assumed place at number 50.

North Dakota finished number one on a list of states’ quality of life with California 50th. Which shows from here on out, no study will have any credibility ever again.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Well, we did it! My daughter and I were both promoted over the weekend to Nidan, or 2nd degree black belt rank in Tae Kwon Do Karate. We had to go through some torturous testing over the weekend but we both came through it in one piece. For me, barely. I am sore in areas that I didn’t even know could be sore. I thought the whole idea of Martial Arts was to beat up the other guy. We trained through U.S.A Martial Arts here in West Virginia under Hanshi Roger Jarrett and it is a pretty rigorous program. The test took about two and a half hours and I was more nervous than the guy carrying the nuclear football hearing Donald Trump say “Hey you, come over here for a minute.” I was very proud of my daughter who kept up with her training even though she has been away at school the past several months. It was a good day, and I will feel even better about it when the feeling comes back in my arms and legs. On another note, only a couple of jokes about the Oscars as this is going out before the awards begin on Sunday night. Hopefully I will have more tomorrow, but not wishing for another finish like last year. The only thing I ever really hope for is that all of you continue to remember to always keep on sending the love!



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