Friday, March 30, 2018

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers! From the most prolific joke writer on the planet...!


Jobless claims were down in February to their lowest level since 1973. Which is interesting as back then people were also being paid the equivalent of $2.10 an hour.

Jobless claims were down in February to their lowest level since 1973. Mostly because back then, instead of working people were more concerned about staying in college to avoid being drafted.

A report says after being spurned by big law firms, Donald Trump is being represented by a handful of lesser-known attorneys. It’s so bad, the media asked to interview one of his lawyers and was given the number for LegalZoom.

An analysis says 1 in 10 Americans will pay more taxes with the Trump tax plan in 2019. The other 9 will also once they find a job paying more than minimum wage.

The IRS says it is auditing fewer Americans. Mostly because the majority aren’t making enough money to make cheating on their taxes even worthwhile.

A ban on horse meat is being praised by animal activists, even though it is only temporary. It will be lifted once Taco Bell goes through this month’s supply.

A report says New York City cabbies are turning to suicide as Uber takes their business. The way they are doing themselves in is taking a ride as a passenger with another New York cabbie.

A self-driving car was pulled over and ticketed in San Francisco. It’s just lucky it didn’t happen in New York City or the car would have ended up with forty bullet holes in it.

A report says turtles are evolving where they use their flippers like hands and karate chop their prey. Which is like watching a martial arts fight that lasts 17 hours.

Tim Cook says the iPhone is made mostly in America. What he doesn’t say is that they are mostly assembled in factories in Central and South America.

Tim Cook says the iPhone is made mostly in America. Although that is hard to believe, especially when he receives his salary in Yuan.

An IT expert says Google is worse with capturing personal information than Facebook. Which people don’t mind because it just means there will be that many more online results listed when they Google themselves.

A report says companies are using AI to find out what is on employees minds. The question is why are they wasting their money on robots to tell them that workers still want more money, fewer hours and be left alone by management?

A California woman is selling a house but not to any Trump supporters. Mostly because she is afraid the buyer would be like Trump and either not pay in full, declare bankruptcy or try to pay for it with rubles.

A study says going to concerts helps people live longer. At long as “concert” isn’t preceded by “rap,” “hip-hop” or “The Who.”

A study says going to concerts helps people live longer. The question being do we really want that for anyone paying money to go see Justin Bieber?

A study says going to concerts helps people live longer. If you don’t believe it, just go to any Boston Pops performance and see if there is anyone younger than 93.

A Kansas bill would allow agencies to deny adoptions to LGBT couples. The only question being why would any LGBT couples be living in Kansas in the first place?

Defense Secretary James Mattis jokes he heard John Bolton is the “devil incarnate.” To which Bolton is saying “What do you mean ‘incarnate’?”

A U-Haul van driver in New Hampshire was arrested by police after running out of gas following a 20 mile chase. Next time, the driver may think twice about doing that in a vehicle that gets 4 miles a gallon.

A U-Haul van driver in New Hampshire was arrested by police after running out of gas following a 20 mile chase. Although who could blame the guy for trying his best to get out of New Hampshire as fast as possible?

An AAA survey says just about everyone sees everybody else as distracted drivers. Mostly because they know when they are texting while driving, it’s with four other people who are also behind the wheel.

An Australian cricket hero broke down on TV over a cheating scandal. It has become the biggest case of cricket cheating since Jiminy Cricket got divorced.

The Austin police chief has finally labeled the Austin bomber as a “terrorist.” Which means before the bomber blew himself up, he must have converted to Islam.

The Inspector General says FBI employees who failed lie detector tests are still able to access classified information. Mostly because the FBI knows it’s always easier to catch the workers who are bad liars.

Egyptian President SISI is set to win a second term with 90% of the vote. Although it seems suspicious to have a Middle Eastern leader whose name is “ISIS” spelled backwards.

The price of junk food in Mexican prisons is probed after incarcerated drug dealers complained. To which prison officials are asking them how it feels to be price gouged to satisfy an addiction.

A report says extinction looms for North Atlantic right whales. In fact, the only sea creature more threatened than the right whale is the infamous Left Shark.

Pilots with American Airlines and Learjet reported a UFO over Arizona in February. It turned out it they were just caught off guard by seeing a United Airlines jet that was actually in the air.

Saudi Arabia is spending $200 Billion to build the world’s largest solar energy project. Mostly because that’s a bargain in a country that pays $200 Billion a month just to cover their summer air conditioning bill.

Saudi Arabia is spending $200 Billion to build the world’s largest solar energy project. If they could just find a way to make money selling sand, no one in the country would ever have to work for a living.

Saudi Arabia is spending $200 Billion to build the world’s largest solar energy project. Mostly because that will make it tough for the U.S. to start the next Middle East war trying to take away all their sunshine.

McDonald’s is tripling the tuition money they are offering restaurant workers who want to pursue a college degree. Which is ironic for the employees who want to go to college so they never have to work at a McDonald’s again.

McDonald’s is tripling the tuition money they are offering restaurant workers who want to pursue a college degree. Which means it will go from $4 all the way to $12.

The staff of the Onion satirical site is planning to unionize. Or is that Onionize?

The staff of the Onion satirical site is planning to unionize. The only problem is that every time they want to negotiate, company management says “That’s a good one!”

A study says the way to deal with an embarrassing situation is pretend to be an observer of the gaffe. Which is hard for Janet Jackson and the wardrobe malfunction as there were also 100 Million other people with TVs observing the same thing.

A study says the way to deal with an embarrassing situation is pretend to be an observer of the gaffe. Which must be the reason Nick Nolte has that mug shot picture of himself hanging in every room in his house.

A mother in England turned her placenta into a smoothie she fed to her family for health reasons. Which after reading that, no one is ever going to feel the same way when they get the urge to go to Jamba Juice.

Donald Trump has fired Veterans Affairs Secretary David Shulkin. Which is ironic in that working a year in the Trump White House pretty much makes him a veteran.

Donald Trump has fired Veterans Affairs Secretary David Shulkin. Mostly because Trump gets nervous around anyone whose title contains the word “affairs.”

A study says immigrants have healthier hearts than Americans. You would, too if you had to run 500 miles through the desert just to make it into the country.

Donald Trump called Roseanne after her show scored record ratings. That and because it’s a comedy about a Trump supporter, he wants a writing credit.

Donald Trump called Roseanne after her show scored record ratings. It’s a comedy where she plays a Trump supporter. Not because she is one in real life as much as because it pretty much allows the show to write itself.

World Series MVP George Springer hit a leadoff home run on his second straight Opening Day. That’s a lot of pressure. We used to just have “Mr. October” and now he is trying to become “Mr. March Through November.”

Johnny Manziel says at one point he questioned whether his life was worth living. To which people tell him that happens after living two years in Cleveland.

Johnny Manziel says at one point he questioned whether his life was worth living. Mostly from being unemployed, in rehab and having the same college diploma on the wall as Rick Perry.

Crews at Dodger Stadium are still working on what caused a sewage leak. Apparently it had something to do with too many fans ordering an extreme loaded Dodger Dog at the same time.

Crews at Dodger Stadium are still working on what caused a sewage leak. Although fans just assumed the smell had something to do with the Giants being in town.

A report says the NFL’s new rule penalizing players for lowering their head to make a hit may be tough to enforce. They just need to tell players to keep their chin up.

Steve Nash will be inducted into the NBA Hall of Fame. Although it’s sad to see Pete Rose is still the only athlete kept out of the Hall of Fame because of a bad haircut.

The family of a man killed by a falling tree on a golf course in California has filed a lawsuit. Sadly, his golf partners didn’t know whether to yell “Fore!” or “Timber!”

A report says the EPA is expected to roll back fuel economy rules for cars to make them run clean and efficient. Mostly because the Trump Administration is saying if they don’t have to work clean and efficiently, why should anything else?

The Trump Administration is set to request five years of social media history from all visa applicants. In other words, they need to be prepared to show what they have eaten for breakfast the past 1,825 days.

Americans are rating the environment the worst it’s been since 2009. The only question is whether they mean the political environment, work environment, educational environment, social environment…

An Atlanta prosecutor with a doctorate in Medieval History has joined the Trump legal team. Apparently Trump wants representation that asks cross-examination witnesses if they prefer the rack, Iron Maiden or thumb screws.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Well, the day I have been waiting for since last fall has finally arrived. Opening Day! Unfortunately, my Dodgers opened their defense of the National League title with a 1-0 loss to the much-hated Giants. That’s not a good way to start. But, with 161 more games to go things should get better. This is such a great time of year. Baseball season represents all the good things in life. Winter is over, the warmer weather is arriving, tax time is upon us. Well, two out of three ain’t that bad. With the arrival of baseball, the Masters is just around the corner, football is through, no more Tom Brady to deal with. It’s all good. The only thing making it better is when you all remember to always keep on sending the love!



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