Thursday, March 29, 2018

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers! From the most prolific joke writer on the planet...!


Actor Cory Feldman says attackers stabbed him in the stomach. Police have ruled out any suspects in the movie industry as they would have stabbed him in the back.

A poll says most Americans are not seeing a larger paycheck because of tax cuts. Mostly because the cuts don’t affect checks for unemployment, disability or welfare.

Republican leaders are reportedly pondering what to do with the rest of 2018 after passing the $1.3 Trillion spending bill. One thing they could do work on figuring out how to actually pay for it.

Republican leaders are reportedly pondering what to do with the rest of 2018 after passing the $1.3 Trillion spending bill. Apparently it’s difficult finding additional tasks to take on when you work just five hours a day, four days a week.

Donald Trump is pushing for the military to pay for the border wall. Which they are willing to do, but only if they get to blow it up once it’s finished.

Stormy Daniels says she would consider a “settlement” with Donald Trump. Apparently $130,000 just wasn’t enough to cover the public embarrassment of having everyone know she had sex with Donald Trump.

Stormy Daniels says she would consider a “settlement” with Donald Trump. He could have avoided all this trouble if he would have been like everyone else and just left a $20 bill on the dresser.

A professor at the College of Holy Cross says Jesus was a drag king. Which for anyone walking around in a robe and sandals with long hair and a beard means either that’s true or maybe he was just the world’s first hipster.

A report says America is going through a resurgence of the use of Xanax. Mostly for people who want to treat the anxiety they are suffering knowing they are addicted to opioids.

Ann Coulter is calling Donald Trump a “shallow, lazy, ignoramus.” People were surprised to hear her say that. They had no idea that Trump was lazy.

China is using AI and facial recognition to fine jaywalkers. Which is much easier to do than trying to identify them after they have been run down by a car.

A report says Latin America’s democracy is crumbling under corruption. People were surprised at the news. Latin America has democracy?

A report says Latin America’s democracy is crumbling under corruption. Fortunately, in the U.S. democracy is alive and well as politicians hide their corruption by just adding what they steal to the $21 Trillion national debt.

A pipe broke at Dodger Stadium spilling sewage on the field. Which made fans homesick as it smelled just like their house after they have eaten three Dodger dogs.

A pipe broke at Dodger Stadium spilling sewage on the field. Which was taken care of by the official scorer by listing the home team as Oakland.

The U.S. says it will no longer pay 25% of U.N. peacekeeping operations. The idea being why pay for peace when Donald Trump is getting ready to start World War III.

Ecuador has reportedly cut off WikiLeaks founder Julian Assange’s Internet service at the embassy he is staying at. People were surprised. Ecuador has the Internet?

Ecuador has reportedly cut off WikiLeaks founder Julian Assange’s Internet service at the embassy he is staying at. Apparently it has to do with a WikiLeaks document revealing Assange doesn’t ever pay his Internet service bill.

Protesters in Michigan showed up at a “Build your own AR-15” class. The worst part is that afterwards, those enrolled in the class were going to take their guns to the mall and shoot up all the animals at Build A Bear.

Protesters in Michigan showed up at a “Build your own AR-15” class. Because what could possibly go wrong showing people who can’t legally buy an assault rifle how to make one out of PVC pipe and wood scraps.

The Air Force says it is at risk of losing a third of its F-35 fighter jets if upkeep costs are not cut. Which means Donald Trump can save the day with his negotiating skills by getting them a good fleet rate over at the Jiffy Lube.

The Air Force says it is at risk of losing a third of its F-35 fighter jets if upkeep costs are not cut. Although with Donald Trump as President, the military just needs one plane that can carry the nuclear bomb.

The Air Force says it is at risk of losing a third of its F-35 fighter jets if upkeep costs are not cut. The military says it is worried about losing pilots if they cut perqs like inflight Champagne Happy Hour and a full staff of flight attendants.

A report says robots used by credit card companies can predict how people will spend their reward points. Which for most people would be a lot better if they went towards paying off their card balance.

A report says robots used by credit card companies can predict how people will spend their reward points. Which is amazing as the same technology predicted the companies would use their points to buy more robots.

A report says robots used by credit card companies can predict how people will spend their reward points. Now if those robots could just tell people how to use their cards less to keep from eventually ending up in bankruptcy court.

The Trump Administration says it will not take on Amazon over the belief they aren’t paying enough in sales tax. Mostly because Jeff Bezos convinced Trump he is a genius for helping yet another American pay less in taxes.

Amazon is taking a look at the $16 Billion housekeeping industry. Mostly for people who want help in cleaning up after the cheap crap they buy on Amazon falls apart.

Maserati has unveiled a 590 horsepower SUV. It’s for moms who need to get to the store, school and soccer field all in under three minutes.

Maserati has unveiled a 590 horsepower SUV. That’s for mom. For dad, they are getting ready to come out with a V-12 0-to-60 in under 5 seconds riding mower.

Apple CEO Tim Cook slammed Mark Zuckerberg, saying “If I was him, I wouldn’t be in this situation.” Although how bad of a situation can it be to have a personal net worth of $61 Billion?

A dangerous drug trend called “wasping” combines insecticides with meth. Which finally answers the question what could possibly be dumber than using meth?

A dangerous drug trend called “wasping” combines insecticides with meth. The fun part for police is busting  a drug ring by breaking down the door and yelling “Raid!”

A dangerous drug trend called “wasping” combines insecticides with meth. Which is not to be confused with the traditional substances of choice used by WASPs which is cocaine, Champagne and tranquilizers.

Surgeons in India were amazed after removing 2,000 gallstones from a woman. They said they have never seen a patient with so much gall.

Parents in Utah will no longer be prosecuted for “free range” kids who are allowed to be outside while unsupervised. The question is, what is so hard about watching the kids in a household with at least five full-time moms?

Parents in Utah will no longer be prosecuted for “free range” kids who are allowed to be outside while unsupervised. Although it isn’t known yet if having free range kids does anything for their ability to produce more eggs.

A study says pot smoking may lead to using cigarettes. The hard part for users being able to figure out how to get the whole cigarette into the bong.

A study says weight loss surgery can bring big relationship changes. Especially for women who complain their husbands are now only half the man they used to be.

A viola player in England won a lawsuit where he claimed playing in an orchestra caused permanent hearing loss. If rock and roll is so bad for the ears, why are the only musicians to ever go deaf are this guy and Beethoven?

Savannah Guthrie apologized for swearing on the air during “The Today Show.” Apparently she had a flashback to having Matt Lauer lock the door behind her.

The head of the movie academy has been cleared of allegations of misconduct. Apparently he only rated a “1” out of “10” on the Weinstein Scale.

NFL owners approved a $1.8 Billion, 65,000 seat stadium for the Raiders. The deal went through when they agreed to also include holding cell space for 300.

A judge ruled the NCAA muse defend limits on compensation to college athletes. To which the colleges say they need all the money to be able to pay the salaries of their football and basketball coaches.

Packers President Mark Murphy says NFL kickoffs face elimination if not made safer. But with the ball now at the 35 yard line and kickers drilling it 75 yards in the air, the only people in danger are in the first three rows behind the end zone.

The Rams have become the first NFL team to include men in their cheerleading squads. Which turn out to be almost as popular for fans to watch as the officials reviewing a call on instant replay.

Laker Isaiah Thomas will undergo hip surgery. The good news is once he has his hips and then knees all replaced, he will qualify for a spot as a starter on the Spurs.

A cheating scandal has rocked the Australian cricket team. The only question is if they are cheating, how would anyone even know in the first place?

Kansas City Royals catcher Salvador Perez hurt his knee carrying a suitcase up some stairs. Apparently the only thing he couldn’t catch was himself.

Kansas City Royals catcher Salvador Perez hurt his knee carrying a suitcase up some stairs. Which means his official status with the team is now “baggage.”

Shaquille O’Neal says he once spent $70,000 on one trip to Wal-Mart to buy furniture. Apparently Shaq’s decorating style is more like “Shack.”

Shaquille O’Neal says he once spent $70,000 on one trip to Wal-Mart to buy furniture. Apparently that was the only place he could find his designer needs for an armoire that features an attached gun rack.

Donald Trump says the 2nd Amendment will not be repealed. Apparently he is only interested in repealing the healthcare laws that enable people to be treated after being shot by people supporting the 2nd Amendment.

“60 Minutes” celebrated its 50th anniversary at the National Press Club. The audience and correspondents remember back to when the show started and they were all still just approaching middle age.

A poll says Donald Trump’s alleged affairs have little effect on his political standing. Mostly because compared to his management style, policies and temperament, that is the least offensive side of him they have seen yet.

A survey says independent voters are shifting to climate denial. Mostly because they think “independent voter” means independent of facts, information or intelligence.

Helen Hunt is hinting at a possible reboot of “Mad About You.” Although most viewers were satisfied when the network gave it the boot the first time.

“Star Trek” Spock actor Zachary Quinto was bashed online by a Starbucks customer for reportedly using a fake name. Which how would the fan even know since the barista is just going to misspell it anyway.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Thanks for checking out the blog. I put a lot of work into it which comes as a surprise to most people considering the finished result. But I do and I appreciate you taking the time to look at the gags. It is a labor of love and I get a real satisfaction from putting out this many jokes on a daily basis. My motto is, there is a money-back guarantee and while the jokes aren’t always funny, they are certainly grammatically correct. It’s the least I can do. Which is usually all you can expect from me anyway. While I love that you read the jokes, my real reward comes when you all remember to always keep on sending the love!



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