Wednesday, March 28, 2018

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers! From the most prolific joke writer on the planet...!


The FCC says it wants Chinese tech out of U.S. phones and routers. Which is fine for people who don’t mind the U.S. not having any more phones or routers.

A report says the U.S. needs to borrow $300 Billion this week to pay its bills. Or as the government calls needing a quick $300 Billion, a payday loan.

A report says the U.S. needs to borrow $300 Billion this week to pay its bills. To which when we hit China up for the money, they will no doubt be saying “Yeah, now about all those tariffs…”

A professional clown is running for Congress in South Carolina. To which Mark Sanford, Trey Gowdy and Joe Wilson are saying “It’s been done.”

A professional clown is running for Congress in South Carolina. To which other members of Congress are saying “You’re out of your league.”

A professional clown is running for Congress in South Carolina. Apparently he wants Congress to keep up with the executive and judicial branches of the government.

A mysterious cloud was seen over the skies of Arizona, California and Mexico. Which for local natives who have never seen it before in those areas is called a “cloud.”

A report says pay in Idaho is rising at the fastest rate in the country. Mostly as a way to give people a reason to live in Idaho.

A report says pay in Idaho is rising at the fastest rate in the country. Apparently things are going much better than anyone ever envisioned for those who have chosen to make their life’s work in the potato industry.

Miami has a plan for teachers who can’t afford to pay rent to live at school. Which means instead of kids giving their teacher an apple, they will be more encouraged to bring along canned food, bottled water and toilet paper.

New York City may ban employers from sending out work e-mails after hours. Which just means all businesses will declare business hours to be 24/7.

A study says timing meals could be the key for weight loss. Which means people just need to pause a few minutes between lunch and dinner to come up for some air.

A TV station in Phoenix live-streamed video of a cat stuck on a power pole. Apparently it was done to keep viewers occupied between freeway car chases.

Egypt boosted voter turnout with a combination of incentives and threats. Pretty much in the same way how Democrats are telling people if they don’t go to the polls in 2020, Donald Trump could get reelected.

Mark Zuckerberg says he will testify before Congress about data privacy. Which is going to be interesting being questioned about privacy by the group that brought us the NSA, TSA and the Patriot Act.

Medicare is cracking down on prescriptions of opioids. Although it turns out it is people dealing with private insurance company premiums, deductions and copays who are the ones who need all the painkillers.

Polls show that Donald Trump’s approval ratings are going higher despite his White House and personal turmoil. Mostly because his personal issues gives people a break from worrying about the economy, healthcare and the start of World War III.

JetBlue flight attendants will be trading in snack trays for carts to save time. Although the attendants don’t mind the extra work because it helps passengers pass the time when their planes are sitting on the tarmac three hours at a stretch.

The new L.A. Rams stadium is expected to cost up to $5 Billion because it will include 900,000 square feet of retail development. The only question is will NFL fans be thirsty enough to support 400 on-site Starbucks?

The new L.A. Rams stadium is expected to cost up to $5 Billion, while no other stadium has ever cost $2 Billion. Which is no surprise when trying to build in an area where a two bedroom fixer upper in Pacoima is running $850,000.

Bill Gates is set to guest start on “The Big Bang Theory.” It’s the only series or movie besides “Star Wars” or “Star Trek” where he has a chance to play the love interest.

Facebook is being sued for allegedly allowing housing discrimination. Meaning anyone wanting to live in Mark Zuckerberg’s neighborhood had better be able to pony up at least $50 Million.

Starbucks is opening a store in a National Park for the first time at Yosemite. Mostly for people who want to be close to nature and experience fresh air, flora and fauna along with their Frappuccino.

A survey says 1 in 5 Americans want the 2nd Amendment of the Bill of Rights to be repealed. The other four are asking “What’s the Bill of Rights?”

A survey says 1 in 5 Americans want the 2nd Amendment to be repealed. Which shouldn’t be that hard considering Congress had no problem voting 50 different times to repeal Obamacare.

A survey says 1 in 5 Americans want the 2nd Amendment of the Bill of Rights to be repealed. The other 4 couldn’t take the survey because they had a Glock in one hand and a Ruger in the other.

Researchers say they have discovered a newly identified “organ” in the human body called the interstitium. Which is being called an organ mostly so doctors can have a brand new revenue source for potential surgeries.

Scientists say rubber bath ducks are a haven for bacteria and other microbes. It’s so bad that researchers say it is actually safer for children to bathe with a real duck.

Scientists say rubber bath ducks are a haven for bacteria and other microbes. Which explains why on “Sesame Street” Bert has been working solo while Ernie is still on his extended medical leave.

Scientists say rubber bath ducks are a haven for bacteria and other microbes. Although on “Sesame Street” that is not the official reason given for why Ernie has changed from taking baths with a rubber duck to bathing with Ernie.

Researchers say that playing with dolls may comfort people with Alzheimer’s Disease. Especially for women who realize they have more in common with Barbie than they ever expected.

Researchers say a new study may lead to improved treatment with swallowing problems for adults. Although by looking at the size of most Americans, it appears nobody is having any trouble getting all their food down.

Maryland lawmakers have passed a bill giving a tax break to people donating all or part of a body organ. The tough part is explaining to people that they really won’t be able to take advantage of the bonus if they sign up to be a heart donor.

Maryland lawmakers have passed a bill giving a tax break to people donating all or part of a body organ. The problem is when the patients realize their taxes aren’t all that is going to be cut.

Maryland lawmakers have passed a bill giving a tax break to people donating all or part of a body organ. Which is nice to see the IRS giving people the option to give up an organ instead of just all their blood.

John Cacioppo, who studied the effects of loneliness has died at age 66. Which means now he gets to find out what it is like for real.

John Cacioppo, who studied the effects of loneliness has died at age 66. And what better job to investigate loneliness than being a research scientist?

A report says global use of antibiotics has soared as resistance to the drugs worsens. It says the only way to really combat the spread of bacteria is imposing a travel ban on Paris Hilton.

A study says short bursts of exercise are as beneficial as regular workouts for extending life. Although that doesn’t include sprinting down the street trying to chase down the donut truck.

Gisele Bundchen says she won’t make her husband Tom Brady retire. Mostly because what sounds better, having another $20 Million rolling in every year or watching him sit around in his boxers watching “Judge Judy” all afternoon?

The Red Sox will have baseball’s top Opening Day payroll. As opposed to the Tigers who will have a lower payroll as a result of going into Opening Day already mathematically eliminated.

The new NFL Catch Rule was passed unanimously. Which ironically for the league is they finally addressed the issue without dropping the ball.

Tiger Woods’ improved play caused Masters ticket prices to go up 77%. He has always caused an increase in ticket prices, but now he’s finally playing well enough so that it also actually includes weekends.

Johnny Manziel discussed his future at the Texas A&M Pro Day. Mostly because he can’t seem to remember most of his past.

22 year old former Disney star Caroline Sunshine is joining the White House press office. She is best known for her role in the show “Shake It Up,” which many people think is a documentary about working on Donald Trump’s White House staff.

22 year old former Disney star Caroline Sunshine is joining the White House press office. Which is perfect for someone already familiar with working in a Mickey Mouse organization run by Goofy.

22 year old former Disney star Caroline Sunshine is joining the White House press office. Mostly because Donald Trump feels it’s definitely better to deal with “Sunshine” than when it is “Stormy.”

22 year old former Disney star Caroline Sunshine is joining the White House press office. She is best known for her role on “Shake It Up,” playing Tinka Hessenheffer. But even Disney couldn’t come up with a better name than “Scaramucci.”

Paul Manafort is asking for charges against him in Virginia to be dismissed, calling the Mueller investigation “a blank check.” Which is an interesting choice of words coming from someone being accused of money laundering.

Dictionary.com is up for sale. Apparently there has been an overload on their servers from all the spell-checks being run on every one of Donald Trump’s tweets.

A judge has ordered Florida’s governor to create a new process to restore the voting rights of convicted felons. Which is ironic considering most the real criminals in Florida are the ones counting all the ballots.

Facebook has lost $80 Billion in market value since their recent data scandal. The question being what could possibly be worth $80 Billion in a company made up of nothing but wires, screens and a lot of people with lots of time to waste?

Spurs coach Gregg Popovich says it’s time to reassess the 2nd Amendment. Which is an interesting thought coming from someone who has spent his whole career working with people on improving how well they can shoot.

Courtney Love reportedly owes $560,000 in unpaid taxes. People were surprised at the news. How did Courtney Love get her hands on enough money to owe taxes?

Courtney Love says she has gone through $27 Million in Nirvana money, saying that’s a “lifetime of money” for most people. Which for anyone making $50,000 a year, in order to get to $27 Million would need their lifetime stretched to 540 years.

Wal-Mart says it will stop selling Cosmopolitan magazine. Mostly to free up room on their magazine rack for shopper favorites more like Field & Stream, Popular Mechanics and Guns & Ammo.

Wal-Mart says it will stop selling Cosmopolitan magazine. Apparently shoppers are tired of waiting for the special fashion issue on hottest-looking overalls.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Some sad news with the passing of Linda Brown at age 77. She is someone who most people have heard of but don’t even realize it as she is the “Brown” in “Brown v. Board of Education,” the landmark case that resulted in the ruling that “separate is inherently unequal.” She tried to enroll in an all-white school in Kansas (there’s a redundancy) and was refused admission. She and her family fought for equality and won. They were harassed and even received death threats. There is a real irony in that she paved the way for students to go to the school of their choice without having to deal with death threats except from anyone walking onto the campus with an AR-15. It’s always sad to lose a real freedom fighter so I salute Ms. Brown and the work she did that mostly benefitted others. I would appreciate it if you think of her and her selflessness at some point today, and of course top it off by remembering to always keep on sending the love!



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