Tuesday, March 27, 2018

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers! From the most prolific joke writer on the planet...!


Stormy Daniels’ interview on “60 Minutes” brought the show its highest ratings in ten years. The last time the show had ratings like that, all the correspondents were still in their 70s.

A mind reading root has been created that can mimic human emotions. Which could lead to the first self-driving car that can also set off its own episodes of road rage.

A study says obesity kills off taste buds. Mostly because they are no longer necessary for people becoming obese eating all their meals at Burger King, McDonald’s and Taco Bell.

Northwestern University in Chicago is using a dominatrix to teach a course in BDSM. Or they could have just assigned reading “50 Shades of Grey” to their lit classes.

Northwestern University in Chicago is using a dominatrix to teach a course in BDSM. Mostly to prepare the students for what it will be like when they start getting their bills to pay off their tuition loans.

A Florida woman married a 100 year old tree to protect it from being taken down. The worst part is with that kind of age difference, the tree demanded a prenup.

A Florida woman married a 100 year old tree to protect it from being taken down. The bad part for the tree is knowing that divorce is just a chain saw away.

A Florida woman married a 100 year old tree to protect it from being taken down. Some people are saying with an age difference like that, the tree is being a real sap.

A Florida woman was hit with a baseball bat during an episode of road rage. Which is nice this time of year when the feel of spring training seems to get into everyone.

A study says the happiest teens use their phones and digital media less than an hour a day. People were surprised. They actually found teens who use their phones less than an hour a day?

A study says the happiest teens use their phones and digital media less than an hour a day. And that when using the term “happiest” with teenagers, it just means the ones who are not as hopelessly depressed.

A study says the happiest teens use their phones and digital media less than an hour a day. Mostly because they can spend the extra time doing what they really love, playing video games, binge watching Netflix and eating junk food.

The Mexican navy says it didn’t shoot civilians in a border city. Their defense is it is too hard to shoot someone with a BB gun while standing up in a moving raft.

A groundskeeper for the White Sox has been rehired after being wrongly imprisoned for 23 years. The team had no idea, they just thought he wasn’t showing up because he was stuck in traffic on the Dan Ryan Expressway.

A groundskeeper for the White Sox has been rehired after being wrongly imprisoned for 23 years. The team figured if they could wait 88 years between World Series wins, what’s 23 more?

A report says the March for our Lives organizers dramatically overinflated the crowd size. Apparently they hired the same group to count heads as Donald Trump had at his inauguration.

A Mexican zookeeper who forgot to shut a gate was killed by a lion. Which shows how lucky Fred Flintstone was to only be locked outside by a saber-toothed cat when he forgot to close the door.

Beer heir Billy Busch is being charged after pushing an 11 year old into a wall at a basketball game. He defended his actions saying “He didn’t check up the ball!”

58 year old beer heir Billy Busch is being charged after pushing an 11 year old into a wall at a basketball game. The first question on most people’s minds is why is a 58 year old man still calling himself “Billy”?

Donald Trump says the military may end up building the border wall. Fortunately, the armed forces have the budget to deal with an $18 Billion wall that will take 15 years to build and go over budget by a quarter trillion dollars.

 Donald Trump says the military may end up building the border wall. Which if it is taken over by the Army Corps of Engineers will result in a three foot high wall that will end up somehow going through Nebraska.

The FTC is investigating Facebook’s privacy practices. To which most people are asking when any Facebook users have every tried to keep anything private?

Data says salaries are making up less of workers’ compensation practices and many companies are instead offering wellness programs. Which works with the company paying them less, they lose weight by not being able to actually afford to buy food.

Cisco has pledged $50 Million to fight homelessness in the Silicon Valley. Which is exactly enough money to buy homes for up to 12 local residents.

Cisco has pledged $50 Million to fight homelessness in the Silicon Valley. Which is great news for all the people there living below the poverty line of $250,000 a year.

A report says between the ages of 22 and 30, Millennials spend $92,600 in rent. No one had any idea Baby Boomers were charging that much to live in their basement.

Dictionary.com is up for sale. Mostly because no one under 40 ever uses is because when they text they only know how to spell using abbreviations and acronyms.

Gun maker Remington has filed for bankruptcy protection. Which is ironic, as protection is the reason most people buy guns for in the first place.

Gun maker Remington has filed for bankruptcy protection. The word is the company CEO is a real dumdum.

Gun maker Remington has filed for bankruptcy protection. Apparently the company’s CEO was running the place half-cocked.

A survey says 55% of Americans worry a great deal about availability and affordability of healthcare. The other 45% aren’t worried because their minimum wage job doesn’t offer it and on their salary they would never be able to pay for it.

A survey says 55% of Americans worry a great deal about availability and affordability of healthcare. The other 45% don’t care because with their obesity, diabetes and high blood pressure they won’t make it past 50 anyway.

A tooth-mounted tracker will reportedly be able to tell how much food and calories a person is consuming. The problem is when people use it to make sure they have gotten in at least 10,000 chews a day.

The ADA is warning dentists to cut back on opioid prescriptions. Which in Alabama means using the guideline of making sure they limit patients to the same number of opioid prescriptions as how many teeth they have.

A study says 76% of sports sponsorships promote junk food. The other24% are for beer to wash it all down with.

A study says 76% of sports sponsorships promote junk food. Mostly because what else can you sell to people who just sit on the couch watching sports all day?

Stormy Daniels says she spanked Donald Trump with a magazine. To which everyone under 30 is asking “What’s a magazine?”

Stormy Daniels says she spanked Donald Trump with a magazine. To which most people are saying if this is where the Mueller investigation is going, please end it right now.

Dusty Baker is back as a special assistant to the CEO of the Giants. Mostly to give them the advice to never hire Dusty Baker as the team’s manager.

The Masters will have its smallest field in 21 years. Meaning John Daly, Tim Herron and Duffy Waldorf all failed to qualify to play this year.

The Detroit Lions may open their season on the road because of an Ed Sheeran concert scheduled at Ford Field. Which football fans will be more than happy to attend, especially the ones who will finally have a chance to see some hits.

A former Saints cheerleader is alleging discrimination against the team. She filed her lawsuit by going to court and yelling “Give me a U-N-F-A-I-R!”

James Hahn blamed a fan yelling on his backswing for losing a match. The fan was not happy either, as the ball didn’t do what he said and “Go in the hole!”

James Hahn blamed a fan yelling on his backswing for losing a match. The fan is not happy, either and no longer refers to Hahn as “You da man!”

Bettors have Tiger Woods as a 9 to 1 favorite to win the Masters. Which coincidentally,  Ernie Els is a 9 to 1 favorite to make another 9 on hole number 1.

Bettors have Tiger Woods as a 9 to 1 favorite to win the Masters. Which is amazing considering two years ago the only time anyone listed him at 9 to 1 is when that was his tee time.

Caroline Wozniacki complained of verbal abuse from the crowd at the Miami Open. Apparently it was just Marlins fans who were just getting into practice for the upcoming start of baseball season.

Caroline Wozniacki complained of verbal abuse from the crowd at the Miami Open. People were surprised. What was Rory McIlroy doing in Florida?

A report says Stormy Daniels kept the dress she wore on a date with Donald Trump. Historians are now trying to determine if she chose the dark blue knee length dress that has become traditional wear for presidential sexual trysts.

A Nevada judge told convicted felons once they get their voting rights back they can vote for Donald Trump in 2020. What she didn’t realize is that most of them became felons because of their work in the Trump Administration.

A poll says Americans believe the women over Trump over allegations of affairs. Mostly because the odds are just too much against all those women being able to tell as many lies as Trump.

Stormy Daniels is suing Donald Trump’s lawyer for defamation. Although it’s going to be tough as that pretty much is the legal profession’s official job description.

Paul Bremer who helped run the occupation of Iraq is now a ski instructor in Vermont. Which is only fitting as he is used to running things on a slippery slope.

Paul Bremer who helped run the occupation of Iraq is now a ski instructor in Vermont. Where else do you spend your time but at a ski chalet when you have a bank account that includes $9 Billion in missing cash?

Paul Ryan is denying rumors he will resign as Speaker. Apparently like most other congressional Republicans will just be kicked out by the voters in November.

A watchdog group has filed an ethics complaint over lobbyists who have joined the Trump Administration. To which the administration says those are pretty much the only people left who haven’t been already fired from the White House.

A privacy activist is on a mission to find out what Facebook knows about him. Which turns out to be that he likes cat videos, has no life and files on what he has eaten for breakfast every day for the past five years.

A report says Arctic ice is at near-record low winter levels. It’s so bad that polar bears are losing weight, not because there isn’t any food but because global warming is making them try to get into their bikini bodies early.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! This Stormy Daniels thing is getting out of hand. It is becoming such a sensation that even the Weather Channel is now doing a “Stormy Watch” to try to cash in. After reading how Daniels spanked Trump with a magazine, I wouldn’t want to read that issue after Melania is done with where she is going to put it. Fortunately, I don’t deal in print and it is pretty hard to be spanked with a blog. Although I have had a few people who have threatened to throw the computer monitor at me. But enough of this talk about violence. I just like to keep things peaceful, like the great feeling I get when you all remember to always keep on sending the love!



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