Sunday, March 25, 2018

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers! From the most prolific joke writer on the planet...!


Congress passed a $1.3 Trillion spending bill after having 1,000 minutes to read the 2,232 page document. To which critics are saying the number one requirement to be in Congress should be completion of a course by Evelyn Wood.

A report questions CNN’s monopoly of broadcasting news in airports. Although it isn’t that much of an issue considering most travelers are more interested in getting a seat near where they can see images from the TSA body scanners. 

A Virginia man was arrested after threatening to shoot a congressman over his pot policy. Although the threats were contingent on the man first getting off the couch by noon, remembering where he left his gun and smoking a few bong hits.

A Pennsylvania school is arming classrooms with baskets of rocks to protect against shooters. Which is not what was meant by the school board working to keep people on campus from being stoned.

A Pennsylvania school is arming classrooms with baskets of rocks to protect against shooters. The school is combining it with lessons, as before students can throw rocks at assailants have to identify them as igneous, metamorphic or sedimentary.

Hip hop artist Cardi B went on an Instagram rant about having to pay a 40% income tax rate. People were surprised. Rappers pay their taxes?

Hip hop artist Cardi B went on an Instagram rant about having to pay a 40% income tax rate. People were just shocked to find out there is a rapper who understands percentages.

Pro Bowl player Michael Bennett was indicted for injury to the elderly at the Super Bowl after reportedly knocking over a paraplegic woman. The league is considering the same charges for any defenders who tackled Tom Brady.

L.A. is considering a proposal to provide housing for all the homeless. All it takes to make each of them a proud homeowner is coming up with the cash to write each of them a check for $850,000.

South Korea says it will turn off all computers in the evenings to stop people from working late. Apparently the government doesn’t understand that after dinner, any computers that are still on are logged into social media, dating sites or porn.

A Kansas waterpark where a boy was killed in 2016 is being called a “deadly weapon.” The only way it could be even more dangerous is if the water used for the rides was shipped in from Flint, Michigan.

Greece and Macedonia are looking to find a solution over Macedonia’s name, which is currently recognized by the UN as the “Former Yugoslav Republic of Macedonia.” The question is, who came up with that name, Prince?

China has responded to Donald Trump’s tariffs with a proposed list of 128 products to target. Putting tariffs on U.S. exports could bring China revenue as high as $4.75.

China has responded to Donald Trump’s tariffs with a proposed list of 128 products to target, including fruit, nuts and wine. Which apparently China doesn’t understand are pretty much just exported from Mendocino straight to San Francisco.

Former Georgia Senator Zell Miller has died at age 86. He was known for challenging Chris Matthews to a duel. Leave it to a southern politician to respond to a volley of questions with a volley of bullets.

Harvard students can now report professors for “offensive” remarks made in class. Which has always been the case, but before only when they said anything complimentary about Yale.

Harvard students can now report professors for “offensive” remarks made in class or make them feel “uncomfortable.” Which used to be just when they turned the thermostat down below 70 degrees.

Donald Trump has called for the end of the Senate filibuster rule. Which will immediately be reinstated the minute the Democrats take control of the Senate in November.

Donald Trump has called for the end of the Senate filibuster rule. The only delay tactic Trump supports has to do with being asked to testify to Robert Mueller.

California is banning chemicals used in frozen yogurt and Slurpee machines. The only problem is that will in effect put half the state out of work.

Mark Zuckerberg reportedly lost $10 Billion within a week. It’s getting so bad, the only meals he has been posting on Facebook is of him eating beans and cornbread.

A contest will award a U.S. or Canadian school $10,000 for the best video on telling the difference between fake and real information. At least that’s what the online news release is saying.

A report says the world’s richest lost $436 Billion since January. Mostly the wealthy who thought the Patriots were a sure bet in the Super Bowl.

Tumblr says Russian trolls spread misinformation on their service. Which is embarrassing to have to admit to the eight people who still actually use Tumblr.

Blockbuster founder Wayne Huizenga has died at age 80. The inscription on his headstone will read “He was kind. He would always rewind.”

Blockbuster founder Wayne Huizenga has died at age 80. He was sadly preceded in death by the demise of the VHS tape.

Blockbuster founder Wayne Huizenga has died at age 80. To which anyone under 30 is asking “What’s Blockbuster?”

A student loan forgiveness program got a $350 Million one-shot boost to aid struggling borrowers. That’s enough to let as many as seven students off the hook.

China may levy a 25% tariff on American pork. Which means that could increase by another one fourth to the size of everything passed by Congress.

Mexico has approved conscientious objection for doctors. That means doctors can refuse to perform medical procedures if they feel it won’t bring in enough cash to make it worthwhile.

A Stanford professor says the workplace is the fifth leading cause of death in the U.S. Which is still better than the other four which are all from the effects of long-term unemployment.

A report says the adult U.S. obesity rate has climbed to 40%, up from 34% just ten years ago. When economists say we have been lucky to avoid inflation, they mean everywhere else except the American waistline.

A report says the adult U.S. obesity rate has climbed to 40%, up from 34% just ten years ago, while it has plateaued for younger people. Which shows Millennials just don’t have the same drive or commitment of previous generations.

A study says depression could be a factor in causing the irregular heartbeat A-fib. Especially when patients get that first bill from their cardiologist.

Kevin Sorbo says he wasn’t invited to the ThunderCon because of his conservative political views. That and possibly because 90% of the people at the convention are under 20 and have never heard of the show “Hercules.”

Johnny Manziel says his comeback try is the “last of last chances.” Other than his three last chances after his seven first last chances.

Johnny Manziel says his comeback try is the “last of last chances.” Which he is getting from at least showing the resolve to survive two years playing in Cleveland.

Retired Browns tackle Joe Thomas says he ate 4,200 calories on inactive days. Or as NFL fans call eating 4,200 calories on an inactive day, TV football on Sunday.

Steph Curry says he is “still interested” in an ownership stake in the Carolina Panthers. He is an NBA MVP and played in a pro golf tournament. What’s he thinking, trying his hand at being an NFL quarterback?

Johnny Manziel gave advice to the NFL top drafted quarterbacks. Which most of them already know as not doing anything like Johnny Manziel.

Clayton Kershaw finished spring training with a 0.00 ERA. Which is impressive considering he actually had to pitch to other teams besides the Detroit Tigers.

Former major leaguer Jack Clark has filed for bankruptcy protection. The only thing he still claims ownership of is Tom Niedenfuer.

A South African cosmologist announced a discovery, which turned out to be Mars. Which means he will now instead be looking for work as a cosmetologist.

Charles Barkley says basketball players should have to stay in college two years. Which means for most, they will leave with six college credits instead of three.

 Charles Barkley says basketball players should have to stay in college two years. As opposed to the Vietnam War years when students were happy to take seven years just to get a bachelor’s degree.

The Charlotte Hornets beat the Memphis Grizzlies by 61 points, the most lopsided NBA game in 20 years. Not because of the score, but because the game was won by the Hornets.

The Charlotte Hornets beat the Memphis Grizzlies by 61 points, the most lopsided NBA game in 20 years. Afterwards, Hornets players were so cocky they were predicting they are good enough to beat at least two of the Final Four teams.

The Florida Supreme Court will determine if a car is a weapon. Especially for Floridians who are run over thinking a car is going to turn because the left blinker light is always on.

The Florida Supreme Court will determine if a car is a weapon. Which in Florida is hard to claim since people in the path have plenty of time to react since no one ever drives faster than 15 mph.

A report says new names for old health problems keep cropping up, like “selfie elbow,” “text neck” and “computer eye.” Although they are all tied to the classic digital age injury of “couch potato backside.”

Bill Maher says Fox News is running the country. Which means Steve Doocy’s “House Party” has eventually morphed into Fox & Friends “White House Party.”

Researchers say global warming could lead to Canada having palm trees within decades. That would never last because Canadians have no use for any tree that doesn’t produce sap that can be turned into maple syrup.

Reddit says it will ban the sale of guns, beer or tobacco from its site. Mostly because anyone wanting all three items will make it a one-stop shopping trip to Wal-Mart.

YouTube has banned gun videos, which can now be watched at Pornhub. Which gives a whole new meaning at the site of logging on to check out a pair of 38s.

A garbage patch in the Pacific Ocean has grown to three times the size of France. The way to tell the difference is that France is the one that requires a passport to visit.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! I am finishing up this post on Sunday, which just happens to be my birthday. I won’t get into which one it is but I am at the point where it is everyone else around me who insist on celebrating it. I would just as soon let it pass by with as little fanfare or reminding as possible. I guess I should just be happy that I am still having them and that is one thing I will write on this site that isn’t a joke. While I would like to retire from my other job at some point finances willing, I don’t ever see myself giving this up. It’s the one thing I do that actually gets me some positive reinforcement. The thing that really keeps me going is the great feeling I get when all of you remember to always keep on sending the love!



No comments: