Friday, March 23, 2018

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers! From the most prolific joke writer on the planet...!


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Donald Trump’s lead lawyer in the Mueller probe, John Dowd has resigned. The bad news for Trump is when lawyers jump ship in a high profile case representing a billionaire, it means their client is either broke, guilty or both.

A nun says she will continue her legal fight against Katy Perry who she says is “used to getting all she wants.” Apparently she feels her pipeline to God carries more clout than Perry’s pipeline to the Left Shark.

L.A. Mayor Eric Garcetti is headed to Iowa sparking rumors he is making a run for President. It shows that he is willing to make the sacrifices needed to run the country, like leaving L.A. to spend time in Iowa.

Stormy Daniels’ lawyer says her “60 Minutes” interview will expose thuggish behavior, threats, intimidation and hiding the money trail. If she knew that she wouldn’t have had an affair with Trump, she would have run for Congress. 

A cabbie blamed ride-sharing services for his financial problems before hanging himself. The worst part is his family arranged for the funeral procession to be handled by Uber.

St. George, Utah has been named the nation’s fastest growing metro area. It’s the first time “Utah” and “metro area” have ever been used in the same sentence.

St. George, Utah has been named the nation’s fastest growing metro area. Apparently it appeals to people who just can’t take the pressure of living in a huge metropolis like Salt Lake City.

Data shows metro areas are surging in the U.S. while rural areas are shrinking. Mostly from people who are afraid to live around an entire community of Trump supporters.

A report says the demand for American sperm is skyrocketing in Brazil. Which means watch for news of Kevin Federline announcing he is heading south to Rio.

A report says the demand for American sperm is skyrocketing in Brazil. Because what could be more desirable for prospective moms than the idea of raising a baby genetically programmed to be obese with future heart disease and diabetes?

Joe Biden says he would have “beaten the hell” out of Donald Trump in high school, while Trump says Biden would “go down crying.” All we need is for John McCain to enter this and tell them both to “get off my lawn.”

A report says Facebook personal data is worth $5.20 on the dark web. Mostly because anyone wanting personal information from a Facebook user can get it all by reading their profile and about three of their posts.

A report says it is tough for police to catch stoned drivers. Mostly because it takes too long to try to clock someone driving under 15 miles an hour.

A report says the U.S. added 700,000 Millionaires in 2017. Mostly people who bought more than three Bitcoins and in another three weeks will be back to being poor again.

A report says the U.S. added 700,000 Millionaires in 2017. The bad part is that about half of them are people who were Billionaires back in 2016.

Airlines are trying to manage winter storms by keeping passengers away from snowbound airports. The best way is by announcing they will be served free airline food along with complimentary body scans by the TSA.

Russia held a public contest to name their new advanced weapons systems. Although there is a suspicion that the public really had no input or else their underwater nuclear drone would have been named “Droney McDroneface.”

An L.A. subway construction project unearthed a treasure trove of fossils. Although anyone looking for fossils in Southern California usually has to go no further than the Hometown Buffet in Palm Springs.

Police in Maine are looking for a wild turkey that trashed a home. It wouldn’t be the first time a broken home was blamed on the effects of Wild Turkey.

Senator Charles Schumer says the $1.3 Trillion spending bill ends the “era of austerity.” Although it’s hard to claim miserly spending habits after piling up a national debt of more than $21 Trillion.

Russia is blasting former London Mayor Boris Johnson for comparing Vladimir Putin to Hitler. They also showed great restraint themselves by refusing to point out Johnson’s haircut looks exactly like the Three Stooges’ Moe Howard.

Donald Trump has hit China with $60 Billion in tariffs for high tech imports. Otherwise known as every U.S. import.

Donald Trump has hit China with $60 Billion in tariffs for high tech imports. If Trump really wanted to do something about the cost of high tech imports, he could cut the price in half by calling for the elimination of the “Apple tax.”

Starbucks has announced a new “fortune telling” Crystal Ball Frappucino. Apparently it can foresee anyone who buys two of them a day will be completely broke within three weeks.

Police in California shot and killed a man holding just an iPhone. Talk about being militant Android users.

Toys R Us founder Charles Lazarus has died at age 94, right as his store is closing for good. Talk about living right up to the end of the warranty.

Toys R Us founder Charles Lazarus has died at age 94, right as his store is closing for good. He may have been named Lazarus, but neither he nor his store look to have a chance at coming back from the dead.

Goldman Sachs CEO Lloyd Blankfein says he will probably leave the company before deciding on a second career path. He’s 63 and makes $23 Million a year. Why a second career as anything other than a Caribbean island Margarita taste tester?

Goldman Sachs CEO Lloyd Blankfein says he will probably leave the company before deciding on a second career path. Apparently it’s tough to leave the game after only getting to crash the economy just once.

Scientists say 13% of Americans have traces of cocaine and heroin on their fingers. The other 87% must have had it washed away by all the KFC grease.

Scientists say 13% of Americans have traces of cocaine and heroin on their fingers. Which is bad as even trace amounts can contaminate the opioids they are using.

Scientists say 13% of Americans have traces of cocaine and heroin on their fingers. The other 87% were clean other than the traces of morphine, meth and Xanax.

Fitbit has announced Fitbit Ace, a health tracker for children. Although how necessary is it to track children who only go from the computer to the couch and over to the refrigerator?

The owner of illegal sharing site Sharebeast has been sentenced to five years in prison. That will get him to start singing a different tune.

The owner of illegal sharing site Sharebeast has been sentenced to five years in prison. Which means he probably should have asked himself at some point why there is no longer a Napster.

A study says the way to a longer life is by eating less. Mostly because it just makes like feel like it’s taking a lot longer.

A study says a noisy workplace may wreak havoc on the heart. Which is just more bad news for all the staff in Donald Trump’s White House.

Kidde smoke detectors are being recalled for failing to detect fires. The good news is that while the house may burn down, at least they look great as ceiling decorations.

A study says medical bankruptcy is not as common as previously thought. Mostly because before they declare bankruptcy from medical bills, people are going broke from college tuition loans, failed mortgages and unemployment.

A study says red and processed meats are linked to liver damage. Not so much from the meats themselves but because they go so well with red wine.

Justin Verlander gave an interview about balancing marriage with baseball. He’s a multi-millionaire professional athlete with a supermodel wife. If he had any more balance he would have a side career juggling act with Tom Brady.

Frank Avruch, who played Bozo the Clown on TV has died at age 89. He will be leaving some very large shoes to fill.

Frank Avruch, who played Bozo the Clown on TV has died at age 89. Towels will be available at the funeral for every time the mourners are squirted by one of the flowers.

Frank Avruch, who played Bozo the Clown on TV has died at age 89. It will be the funeral procession where 300 mourners will arrive in six cars.

Celine Dion canceled a Las Vegas show because of ear issues. The bad part is that they were mostly from the people who sat through one of her performances.

David Cone says pitcher Shohei Ohtani would be better starting off the season in the minors. To which fans are saying “he should be promoted from the Angels?”

PETA has rebuked Rangers pitcher Martin Perez for killing and eating the bull that injured him. What, did they think he shouldn’t have killed it first?

An NFL VP says the league may eventually get rid of kickoffs. To which Cleveland Browns fans are saying “You mean those things we only do to start games?”

A report says the entire Raiders complex in Las Vegas will cost $2 Billion. Or as that is called in ‘Vegas terms, three weeks of revenue from the casino buffet line.

A report says the entire Raiders complex in Las Vegas will cost $2 Billion. Which means when the team raises $1 Billion they can put it all on red and just let it ride.

Minor league baseball players stand to lose minimum wage protection under a congressional bill. People think it is appalling. Minor leaguers are paid less than the Detroit Tigers?

Minor league baseball players stand to lose minimum wage protection under a congressional bill. It sounds a lot better when they make the majors and find out their minimum wage has been bumped to $507,500 a year.

H.R. McMaster is out as National Security Adviser. Apparently he was well versed in every kind of security except that of his job.

Karen McDougal, who claims to have had an affair with Donald Trump has apologized to Melania Trump. To which Melania is saying “Don’t you be sorry. I’m the one who married the guy.”

Karen McDougal, who claims to have had an affair with Donald Trump says he tried to pay her after they had sex. When she refused he said, “You mean there are women who do this for free?”

Oklahoma is prepared to pass a bill finally requiring kids to wear seatbelts. The worst part is not in the car but when sitting around the house because of all the earthquakes from oil fracking.

Former Fox host Eric Bolling pitched himself to Donald Trump to plug all the White House leaks. Which sounds like an exaggeration from someone fired because he couldn’t stop people from talking about how he sexually harassed them at work.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! It is Friday, and it is spring. Those are two of the things I like to hear the most. The weekend is just about here and baseball is right around the corner. I intend to enjoy both as much as possible. Warm weather and weekends are what I was made for. The only thing I can possibly enjoy any more is when all of you remember to always keep on sending the love!




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