Thursday, March 22, 2018

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers! From the most prolific joke writer on the planet...!


The Austin bombing suspect blew himself up as he was about to be caught by police. Apparently he had a very short fuse.

A woman in Spain died from an allergic reaction to a live bee acupuncture treatment. Doctors say it was the worst case of hives they have ever seen.

A University of Wisconsin campus is proposing eliminating 13 majors, including English, Philosophy and Spanish. People were surprised. That’s English they are speaking up in Wisconsin?

A University of Wisconsin campus is proposing eliminating 13 majors, including English, Philosophy and Spanish. The Philosophy degree will be replaced by a major that graduates can actually used to get a real job.

A University of Wisconsin campus is proposing eliminating 13 majors, including English, Philosophy and Spanish. The Spanish major will be dropped when it is no longer needed as soon as Donald Trump’s border wall is finished.

A University of Wisconsin campus is proposing eliminating 13 majors, including English, Philosophy and Spanish. They will be replaced by more practical degrees like Wal-Mart Greeter, Slurpee Machine Mechanic and Freeway Panhandling.

A heated argument took place on CNN between the lawyer of Trump accuser Stormy Daniels and the attorney of Donald Trump’s lawyer Michael Cohen. You know things are getting intense when even the lawyers are lawyering up.

The TSA denies it is accessing data from passengers’ electronic devices. If they want naked pictures of travelers, they can just send them through the body scanner and take their own.

A report says U.S. starter homes are scarcer, pricier, smaller and more run down than before. The good news is homes like that in California can still be picked up at a bargain rate of under $850,000.

A report says U.S. starter homes are scarcer, pricier, smaller and more run down than before. The good news is that people can fix those homes up, flip them and buy a pricier, smaller and more run down house in a better neighborhood.

Delta mistakenly sent a dog being shipped from Virginia to Idaho through Detroit, L.A. and Salt Lake City. Which turns out is exactly the same route to get there for anyone booking the trip on Priceline.

A study says Democratic and Republican voters are more different than ever. Republicans are older, whiter and less educated. Democrats are everyone else.

A study says Democratic and Republican voters are more different than ever. Republicans are older, whiter and less educated. And they all wear red hats that say “Make American Great Again.”

Peru President Pedro Pablo Kuczynski will resign after being caught in a vote buying scandal. Unlike Donald Trump who just sat back and let the Russians do it for free. 

A report says Millennial parents are embracing gender-neutral baby names. Which means the “Saturday Night Live” based movie “It’s Pat” was not so much of a bomb as it was just ahead of its time.

A report says Millennial parents are embracing gender-neutral baby names. Mostly because Millennials are thinking why wait to pick a name until after the ultrasound?

A man died after his head got stuck under a seat in a UK movie theater. Promoters should have known that might have happened during an Adam Sandler film festival.

A University of Hawaii campus will become the first in the U.S. to use 100% renewable energy. Which in Hawaii means when it gets too hot, open a window.

Donald Trump and French President Macron agreed that Russia needs to be held accountable for its actions. To which the rest of the world is saying “You mean for something other than getting you elected?”

Chinese researchers say they have discovered why cockroaches are so hard to kill. Apparently if a billion Chinese can survive on a diet of donkey, fox and dog meat so can their parasites.

Texas liquor stores are appealing a ruling allowing Wal-Mart to sell alcohol by the bottle. Although it won’t affect their wine sales as most Texans still prefer to buy that buy the cardboard box.

Steve Wynn may sell all his shares in Wynn Resorts. Although he still can protect himself by pulling a Donald Trump and just placing all his casinos into bankruptcy.

Steve Wynn may sell all his shares in Wynn Resorts. His backup plan is to take all the money from the casinos, place it on red and just let it ride.

The CEO of MGM was fired following a disagreement with the board over whether the company is positioned for growth. Apparently it wasn’t enough for a Hollywood studio to promote themselves by saying they don’t have Harvey Weinstein.

A report says most Baby Boomers face a huge retirement income shortfall. Apparently that is what is about to put the “Boom!” into Baby Boomer.

A report says most Baby Boomers face a huge retirement income shortfall. Which is otherwise known as having to continue to support their Millennial children.

A report says most Baby Boomers face a huge retirement income shortfall. The good news is the ones who are now 63 won’t have to worry about that until they reach their retirement age in another 30 years.

Starbucks has issued a $10 Million challenge to come up with a compostable coffee cup. It could take customers buying as many as 20 vente mocha lattes to pay for it.

Starbucks has issued a $10 Million challenge to come up with a compostable coffee cup. Customers would be happy just to have cups with their names spelled correctly.

Starbucks has issued a $10 Million challenge to come up with a compostable coffee cup. Customers would be fine with just having cups large enough that would hold what they feel is $7.50 worth of coffee.

The CEO of United says “We got it wrong last week” with the inflight death of a dog. At least by admitting they were wrong, United finally got something right.

Starbucks is promising 100% pay equality for women and minorities. The good news is that women and minorities will be paid the same. The bad news is that it will be 40% of what they pay white men.

A study says grilling meat can lead to high blood pressure. Mostly from having everyone at the cookout coming around telling them when to flip the steaks.

Utah will allow women to get birth control directly from a pharmacist. That makes it cheaper when buying prescriptions to cover five wives at a time.

Utah will allow women to get birth control directly from a pharmacist. To which the women in Utah are saying “What’s birth control?”

Trump accuser Stormy Daniels reportedly passed a lie detector test. Although Donald Trump would also pass because even he can’t tell when he is lying anymore.

A report says Alzheimer’s Disease costs $277 Billion a year. And that’s just the cost of cab fare to pick up grandma and grandpa and bring them back every time they try to go out for a walk.

Experts say the way for doctors to control healthcare costs is to listen to the patients. Like when they say they can’t afford to pay their doctor bills anymore.

Macaulay Culkin says losing his virginity at age 15 was a “special moment.” Although probably not as special for his partner as the whole thing lasted just a moment.

Macaulay Culkin says losing his virginity at age 15 was a “special moment.” The bad part is it turns out his sex face is the same as his scream from “Home Alone.”

Caitlyn Jenner says she had some “sun damage” removed from her nose. Although she has had so many facelifts, it actually originated years ago on her belly button.

Meghan Markle will have a wax figure in Madame Tussauds. As opposed to the permanent wax figure the Royal Family keeps in Buckingham Palace with Prince Charles.

Giselle Bundchen is writing a book that shares the lessons she has learned. Mostly that if you are born strikingly beautiful you get to be fabulously wealthy, marry an NFL quarterback and live a fairy tale life.

“American Chopper” star Paul Teutel, Sr. reportedly owes $22,000 in taxes. Wouldn’t you know that his were the only taxes Donald Trump’s plan didn’t chop.

Tom Jones will perform at Queen Elizabeth II’s 92nd birthday celebration. Although he is very worried about being onstage and getting hit by a pair of size 42 bloomers.

USC’s Sam Darnold says it would be “awesome” to go to the Cleveland Browns in the NFL draft. He needs to read up about that being exactly the same thing said in 2014 by Johnny Manziel.

The Baseball Hall of Fame says it will no longer use Chief Wahoo for players from the Cleveland Indians. Which they should write down somewhere as the next player from Cleveland probably won’t be inducted until 2075.

Bidding for the Carolina Panthers has topped $2.5 Billion. Which shows that it isn’t only the NFL players who are suffering the effects of CTE.

Sergio Garcia hit a 219 yard shot off a cart path after taking off his shoes. The bad news is that seeing Garcia hit that shot in his socks just cost Adidas $3 Million in potential golf shoe sales.

Sergio Garcia hit a 219 yard shot off a cart path after taking off his shoes. That’s no problem. The PGA Tour is only worried that some day John Daly may try to replicate Henrik Stenson and hit a shot after taking off his pants.

The House has released its 2,232 page, $1.3 Trillion spending bill. To which taxpayers are saying Congress needs to start using the CliffsNotes version.

The House has released its 2,232 page, $1.3 Trillion spending bill. The good news is that pares down expenses to only $582,437,275 per page.

Alabama is close to passing a law allowing nitrogen to be used for executions. Which means since nitrogen makes up 78% of the atmosphere, everyone else is just 22% away from being on death row.

Alabama is close to passing a law allowing nitrogen to be used for executions. Since the atmosphere is made up of 78% nitrogen, prison guards will make the ones on death row just breathe really fast.

Former CIA chief John Brennan suggests Vladimir Putin has compromising information on Donald Trump. Although, so does pretty much everyone else and it hasn’t stopped him yet.

Donald Trump says he will succeed with Vladimir Putin where other Presidents have failed. Like with becoming President in the first place by allowing Putin to influence our elections.

Donald Trump says he will succeed with Vladimir Putin where other Presidents have failed. Mostly by gaining favor by doing whatever Putin tells him.

Donald Trump completely ignored a note from advisers telling him “DO NOT CONGRATULATE” Vladimir Putin on his election win. The problem was that since it was in all caps, it was just a leftover memo written by Sean Spicer.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! It’s a good thing they solved the Austin bombing case. That’s the one time people were hoping porch pirates would steal their packages. I used to work for UPS and the way those packages are handled, it’s a wonder all of them don’t explode in the trucks. I still enjoy getting packages on my doorstep, just as long as they don’t have the Amazon logo on them. Every time I do, I feel I am complicit in some sort of semi-slavery industry. Which is the same feeling I get every time I use my made in China iPhone. Oh, well. I guess we are all slaves to something. Like me working for nothing to put out these jokes, with the only reward coming when all of you remember to always keep on sending the love!


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