Wednesday, March 21, 2018

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers! From the most prolific joke writer on the planet...!


James Comey is weighing film and TV offers for his memoirs. Hollywood loves the idea of finally making a movie about an FBI director that doesn’t need staff from both the men’s and women’s wardrobe departments.

Raleigh police are asking Google to hand over user date on all people near a crime area. The only problem is they won’t be good witnesses if Google knows where they were because the only thing they were looking at was their phone screen.

75 year old Harrison Ford is set to star in the fifth “Indiana Jones” movie. In this adventure, the ancient artifact he is searching for is his birth certificate.

A report says a miracle operation can restore people’s eyesight. The only problem is they request to be made blind again once they see their eye surgeon’s bill.

A report says lower income residents of California are leaving the state. The problem with that is lower income in California means less than $250,000 a year.

The Air Force is set to begin fighter-mounted laser testing. Which is great if our next war is against cats that need to be distracted.

A fruit vendor was brutally beaten by robbers in downtown L.A. Police say the haul from someone selling fruit could have been as much as 35 cents.

286 rabbits were removed from a house in California. There hadn’t been that many bunnies found in a house since Hugh Hefner was still living in the Playboy Mansion.

A study says the best place to sit to avoid getting sick on an airplane is in the window seat. The trick is to just make sure the person sitting there doesn’t try to roll down the window to get some fresh air.

A study says the best place to sit to avoid getting sick on an airplane is in the window seat. The other way as anyone who has seen the movie “Airplane” knows, don’t ever order the fish.

A report says EPA Secretary Scott Pruitt spent $120,000 on a trip to Italy last summer. Apparently the only environment he is interested in protecting is his personal environment of luxury.

Donald Trump congratulated Vladimir Putin on winning his reelection. That came right after he congratulated Putin for winning Trump’s election.

Paris’ crumbling Notre Dame Cathedral is hoping wealthy Americans will donate money to save the structure. The way to do that is convince Americans it is the Notre Dame that always has all those great college football teams.

Sudan, the last northern male white rhino has died, dooming the species to extinction. The only species more in danger according to latest election results is the congressional male white RINO.

Meghan Markle and Prince Harry have revealed the details of their wedding cake. How many details can there be except that there is cake, frosting and some toppers?

 A U.N. report says 6 Billion people will suffer water shortages by 2050. Mostly because by then, that is the number of immigrants that will have settled in California, Nevada and Arizona.

United Airlines has suspended their pet shipping program after several mishaps resulting in dead or missing dogs. What are they doing, confusing the animals with human passengers?

Twitter says “Black Panther” is the most tweeted about movie ever. Which is hard to believe, considering all the male geeks age 19-64 who do nothing but spend their day tweeting each other about which “Star Wars” films are the best.

Billionaire Warren Buffet reportedly reimburses his company Berkshire Hathaway every year for his personal postage expenses. The only problem is the company comes up short because he thinks postage stamps still cost three cents.

A report says people with massive student debt are hoping Donald Trump will let them declare bankruptcy. So far, Trump thinks that should only be an option for people who own a string of casinos.

Guitar maker Gibson is facing a $560 Million debt. Although the company’s CEO says there is still no reason for anyone to fret.

Guitar maker Gibson is facing a $560 Million debt. Mostly from giving the Grateful Dead a line of credit they have forgotten to make any payments on since 1966.

A study says too much Facebook and Instagram can be tough on girls. Almost as tough as social media can be on boys, men and women.

A study says too much Facebook and Instagram can be tough on girls because they use them differently than boys. Mostly because boys use them to constantly badger the girls for naked pictures.

Scientists say a male birth control pill is one step closer to reality. It prevents pregnancy because it is actually a box full of fake Viagra and Cialis.

A report says two thirds of U.S. doctors suffer from burnout. The other third are OK because they are making a fortune treating the first two thirds for their burnout.

A report says two thirds of U.S. doctors suffer from burnout. Mostly because it becomes tedious driving the same old Mercedes Benz from the same old mansion to the same old luxurious office every day.

A study says obese people have fewer taste buds than those who are thin. Mostly because their bodies realize the taste is not going to stop them from eating everything on the table.

A study says people start caring about their reputations in kindergarten. Which is why it is so devastating to kids when the word gets out they are carrying cooties.

A study says people start caring about their reputations in kindergarten. And judging by appearances, it pretty much ends for most people right around 25.

A study says in the 1970s, children almost never drew scientists as women. Now nearly a third do. Although it turns out the only scientists they know as a woman is Amy Farrah Fowler.

A study says kids who suffer severe head injuries may develop ADHD later on. Mostly because they start spending all their time looking around constantly to make sure nothing is going to hit them in the head.

The Weinstein Company has filed for bankruptcy and has terminated all nondisclosure agreements. Which is of consequence only to the three women in Hollywood who were not harassed by Harvey Weinstein.

Producers of “The Crown” have apologized for paying the actress portraying Queen Elizabeth II less than the actor playing Prince Philip. Which is even more insulting considering in real life she is the one who’s the boss.

Producers of “The Crown” have apologized for paying the actress portraying Queen Elizabeth II less than the actor playing Prince Philip. Although it would have been even more of an insult if they gave Prince Charles more than a cameo appearance.

A nun says her legal battle over property with Katy Perry has left her broke. Which would get more attention coming from someone not living under a vow of poverty.

Ricky Williams is launching a line of marijuana-based products. After he left the NFL, he insists only using natural turf.

UCONN senior Kia Nurse is considering playing in the WNBA. Although having the name Kia Nurse sounds more like she should be working in a foreign car body shop.

An NFL executive says changes are coming to the Catch Rule. Although most fans and players are suspicious that it means there must be some kind of catch.

Maria Sharapova withdrew from a tournament in Miami saying an air pocket in her lung kept her from flying. Although it’s no secret she has air pockets in her lungs to anyone who has been within a quarter mile of the court where she is playing.

Saquon Barkley says “I am done running with a shirt off.” Which most people around the world are hoping to hear the same words some day from Vladimir Putin.

Richard Sherman explained why he negotiated his contract with the 49ers without an agent. Apparently it has something to do with preferring man to man over a zone.

Dodger Stadium is adding a Kirk Gibson Seat to commemorate his 1988 World Series home run. They will also add a Yu Darvish Seat which will be placed on a Rapid Transit bus going from Chavez Ravine back to Bakersfield.

Major League Baseball is hoping to have the Yankees play the Red Sox in London in 2019. Mostly because that is the closest location they can get that will be neutral enough to have a game that isn’t one nonstop bleacher brawl.

Major League Baseball is hoping to have the Yankees play the Red Sox in London in 2019. Mostly because fans will turn out in droves, especially the ones who mistake it to be between the Yankees and Red Coats.

Tracy McGrady has been selected for induction into the Magic Hall of Fame. The only question is how can there be a basketball Magic Hall of Fame that doesn’t include Magic Johnson?

Tracy McGrady has been selected for induction into the Magic Hall of Fame. Which will be nice to have someone in the building other than just Shaquille O’Neal.

John McCain criticized Donald Trump, saying “an American President does not lead the free world by congratulating dictators on winning sham elections.” To which Trump says why not, Putin said the same thing to him when he won.

Donald Trump says a Democratic Congress would mean “radical” policies. Not like the more sensible ideas currently in place like building a border wall, banning Muslims or waterboarding our enemies.

Ben Carson says he bought a $31,000 dining table for his office because the old one was “dangerous.” How can a dining table be dangerous other than having every meal served on it coming from McDonald’s?

Ben Carson says he bought a $31,000 dining table for his office because the old one was “dangerous.” What, were there extra parts lying all over the floor because it came out of an IKEA box?

Ben Carson says he bought a $31,000 dining table for his office because the old one was “dangerous.” Although not dangerous like in college dorms where the tables consist of a wooden door resting on cinder blocks.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! I think today’s batch are pretty good. The last couple of days felt so-so to me and I was hoping I wasn’t “losing” it. But then I realized it’s pretty tough to lose something you never really had so problem solved! Sometimes the jokes fly right off the news pages at you, and other times you have to steal them fair and square from someone else. I will proudly say I have never stolen any material, although I can’t say the same for some of my “competitors.” You know who you are! These jokes are here for use by anyone on the air or in print or online, as long as the people using them aren’t selling them for money. If I’m not getting any cash out of this, you shouldn’t be either. And, maybe there is a good reason I am not seeing any profits from this. But I enjoy it. Of course, the real enjoyment comes when I see all of you remembering to always keep on sending the love!



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