Tuesday, March 20, 2018

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers! From the most prolific joke writer on the planet...!


Republicans are reportedly getting ready for “Phase 2” of their tax plan. That’s where they just go ahead and cut out the IRS and give all the money straight from the poor to the rich.

A 9 year old Mississippi boy shot and killed his 14 year old sister in an argument over a video game controller. His father says he expressly told the boy to only do that if someone takes his Confederate flag.

A 9 year old Mississippi boy shot and killed his 14 year old sister in an argument over a video game controller. Apparently he didn’t realize that the controller marked “Smith & Wesson doesn’t come with a setting for replay.

Disney CEO Bob Iger could make up to $423 Million over the next four years. Which would be enough so that he could afford to take a vacation and stay on Disney property three straight weeks.

China will ban citizens with “bad social credit” from flights and trains for a year. Which makes sense because the people with the worst social behavior are the ones flying or taking the train.

France says it will get tougher on hate speech. That’s bad news for the country’s merchants, waiters and cabbies.

Uber has halted autonomous car testing after one of their cars killed a woman pedestrian in Arizona. The good news is they were able to use her to test their Uber ambulance service.

Uber has halted autonomous car testing after one of their cars killed a woman pedestrian in Arizona. The problem was the car programmers had no idea that any pedestrians would ever actually be in a crosswalk.

Vladimir Putin won his fourth term as Russian President with 77% of the vote. After which he said “Now that’s how you influence an election!”

The manager at a Tennessee IHOP was beaten bloody by a group of women diners. Apparently the local Waffle House must have been closed.

Pope Francis I condemned prostitution as “torture.” Especially for a man sworn to celibacy who has to watch scantily clad hookers walk back and forth around St. Peter’s Square all day.

Zimbabwe’s leader is calling out individuals and companies stashing millions of dollars overseas. Which is strange in a country with hyperinflation where people need 100 Million in cash just to go buy some bread and milk.

Facebook shares dropped after reports they allowed companies to harvest users’ information. Although anyone wanting the most private and intimate details of most Facebook users’ lives just needs to read a few of their posts.

Cavaliers coach Tyronn Lue is taking a leave of absence from the team for chest pains and loss of sleep. Which is caused by knowing he loses any chance of winning a title the minute his team suffers the loss of LeBron James.

The White House is calling Larry Kudlow an “economic giant” and are excited to have him on board. Which like with every other White House employee means it should be a great three weeks.

A tarnished Nike executive could leave the company with a $525,000 payout. Which means it doesn’t hurt to get kicked out as long as the shoe doing it has a Swoosh.

The Facebook PR nightmare caused Mark Zuckerberg to lose $5.1 Billion in a few hours. Which he will find out nothing causes people to defriend you faster than when they find out you are hemorrhaging cash.

Ryanair is trying to attract pilots by touting job stability but making them pay for their own coffee while flying. Which will never happen at Southwest as they always need to encourage their pilots to sober up before taking the controls.

A report says climate change is making allergy season worse for people. Which shows that global warming is nothing to sneeze at.

A study says spices may be the secret to get teenagers to like vegetables. As long as there are spices that taste like burgers, pizza and candy.

Johnsonville is recalling 100,000 pounds of pork sausage that may be contaminated with plastic. Although it turns out the plastic is healthier to eat than the sausage.

A study says a low sperm count may signal more serious health risks in men. Especially when it’s a result of their wife kicking them in the groin.

A record number of college students are seeking treatment for depression and anxiety. If they think it’s bad now, just wait until they get their first bill for their college tuition loan.

Glenn Close is working to destigmatize mental illness. The best way to do that is not let anyone ever watch a screening of her character in “Fatal Attraction.”

Jim Carrey is being slammed for a painting believed to be of Sarah Huckabee Sanders. Not only did people think it was unflattering, he is also being sued for plagiarism for copying “The Scream.”

Hall of Fame basketball player Spencer Haywood says there is a “tinge of slavery” in college basketball. As there ironically is with pretty much any other job that doesn’t involve being a professional athlete.

Hall of Fame basketball player Spencer Haywood says there is a “tinge of slavery” in college basketball. Although there is a tinge of slavery for all college students who have to work four years and still end up with $100,000 in debt.

A report says LeBron James actually gained seven pounds during a playoff game when he was with Miami. Apparently that was the game where the only thing he was dunking was donuts.

A report says LeBron James actually gained seven pounds during a playoff game when he was with Miami. That was apparently the game where he adopted the playing style of Charles Barkley.

Martina Navratilova says John McEnroe was paid ten times what she made as announcers at Wimbledon. Mostly because McEnroe stipulated in his contract that he gets paid by the word.

Martina Navratilova says John McEnroe was paid ten times what she made as announcers at Wimbledon. Which would have carried more weight if she ended her complaint by yelling “Are you serious?!”

Tiger Woods gave NBC its highest golf ratings in years. Which is what happens when all of his former mistresses tune in to watch him at the same time.

The Kansas City Royals signed reliever Justin Grimm to a $1.25 Million contract. It was the first time the word “Grimm” was used about relief pitching other than the Detroit Tigers bullpen.

The Warriors’ Kevin Durant is out for two weeks with a rib fracture. He should have known not to buy a house in the same development as Rand Paul.

Rory McIlroy is calling for the PGA to limit alcohol sales at tournament to rein in fan behavior. How bad is it when an Irishman is saying people are drinking too much?

A Washington, D.C. councilman has apologized for saying the Jews control the weather. Apparently he thought they should just be satisfied with controlling the banks, Hollywood and the media.

A Washington, D.C. councilman has apologized for saying the Jews control the weather. Everyone knows that the weather is really controlled by Al Roker.

Senators are asking the OMB to explain costly travel by members of the Cabinet. It’s enough that taxpayers have to reimburse them for their move to Washington, D.C. and back home within six weeks of taking office.

A pro-Bernie Sanders group canceled a protest against Hillary Clinton. How bad is it when even the Democrats can’t figure out that the election is over and she lost?

A Saudi crown prince says if Iran makes a nuclear bomb they will, too. Which is great news for Donald Trump who can be cut out as the middle man and still see the start of World War III.

Senator Cory Booker says 2018 will be the most important midterm election in history. Other than the ones in 2014, 2010, 2006, 2002…

Eric Trump says “shooting was a big part of my youth.” Now that he is an adult, he has joined the rest of the Trump family in only shooting themselves in the foot.

Bill Clinton’s former press secretary Joe Lockhart says Clinton wouldn’t have defended himself on Twitter during the Lewinsky scandal. Mostly because Clinton would have instead been using his smartphone for Tinder, Match.com and Zoosk.

South Korea’s foreign minister says Kim Jong-un has “given his word” on denuclearization. Well, that settles that!

South Korea’s foreign minister says Kim Jong-un has “given his word” on denuclearization. Which will be interesting when he meets with Donald Trump who gave his word on building the wall, fixing immigration and draining the swamp.

IBM has unveiled the world’s smallest computer at 1mm x 1mm. The only problem is trying to type on the keyboard without hitting every key at the same time.

IBM has unveiled the world’s smallest computer at 1mm x 1mm. The problem is Watson is being asked to submit a DNA sample in the inevitable paternity lawsuit.

Microsoft says the installation of Windows 10 is short enough to complete on a person’s lunch break. Which is the perfect time frame between workers who spend the morning looking at porn and the afternoon watching March Madness.

A report says a disgruntled gamer is behind a school bombing hoax in England. As opposed to other disgruntled gamers who are the ones who turn into real bombers.

A photo of Jesse James bought on eBay for $10 could be worth as much as $2 Million. Although some people are suspicious as the seller is the same person who made a fortune peddling off slices of Jesus toast.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Hope you all had a great weekend that involved something more than sitting around watching March Madness for four days. My team Marshall lost but it was to WVU so the state still has a team alive for now. I am not a huge basketball fan but at least the game does move along faster now that they have those shatter-proof backboards. I am more of a golf fanatic which was nice to see Tiger Woods and Rory McIlroy back in the chase over the weekend. Even Phil Mickelson has won recently. It’s like we’re in some sort of time warp. I half expect to see one of the Tour players asking their caddie if they should use a cleek or mashie out of their bag of wood-shafted clubs. That’s going back even too far for me. I don’t mind reminiscing, though when it is about all the times you all remembered to always keep on sending the love!



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