Friday, March 02, 2018

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers! From the most prolific joke writer on the planet...!


A report says disposable income is the most in the U.S. since 2015. Meaning that by the time everyone has paid their mortgage, taxes and health care premiums, their income has all gone down the disposal.

U.S. crude oil production was at a record high in November. For the first time ever, the oil industry has been a bigger producer of crude than Hollywood.

Lacoste is swapping its crocodile logo for endangered species. Like men who still wear button down collared sports shirts.

Providence, Rhode Island gave out 12,000 speeding tickets in just 33 days. Mostly for people who were desperate to get out of Providence.

Providence, Rhode Island gave out 12,000 speeding tickets in just 33 days. Which is pretty hard to do in a state so small they only have three streets within the borders.

A Los Angeles suburb has banned distracted walking looking at a phone or using ear buds with fines of $100. Which is bad news for the three people who still actually walk around L.A.

Donald Trump says guns should be taken away from dangerous people first, with due process later. People were surprised. Trump has heard of due process?

Keith Richards says “drugs are so bland these days.” In fact, they are so tame he barely ever has to be revived by paramedics anymore.

Keith Richards says “drugs are so bland these days.” Back in the ‘60s you had “Blue Cheer” and “Yellow Sunshine,” and today all you get are “opioids.”

A study says young adults spend six hours a day being “stressed out.” That leaves only 18 hours to eat, sleep and stare at their iPhones.

A study says young adults spend six hours a day being “stressed out.” Mostly worrying about being able to keep all three of the minimum wage jobs they need to make ends meet.

NBC is reducing the number of ads they will air during prime time. In other words, no one is buying time on a lineup with “Good Girls,” A.P. Bio” and ‘Superstore.”

Florida police are looking for a suspect who tried to hold up a 7-Eleven by pointing his finger at the cashier. He is described as unarmed and extremely rude.

A Brooklyn woman has been arrested for poisoning a friend’s cheesecake in order to steal her identification. If she really wanted to do her in, she should have just let her eat an entire regular cheesecake.

Sweden’s latest craze is mandatory exercise at work. In the U.S. we call that having to walk all the way to the break room to buy a candy bar.

An Italian model who offered oral sex for votes has been banned from Instagram. Although American men are praising her for finally coming up with an incentive to increase voter turnout at the polls.

French lawmakers want to fine men who make catcalls at women on the street. Which just discriminates against men too old to know how to use Tinder.

Researchers have found tattoos on 5,000 year old Egyptian mummies. It turns out that for all these years King Tut should have actually have been called King Tat.

Iran has detained 35 women for trying to go to a football match. If that happened in the U.S., those women would have instead gotten 5,000 marriage proposals.

A youth pastor in Colorado was arrested for sex with a minor, whom he gave a card saying “We’re legal” when she turned 18. Well, at least she is.

The Kroger supermarket chain says it will no longer sell guns or ammo to anyone under 21. Just the idea of buying a gun in a supermarket seems strange, especially when the aisle marker says “baking powder,” “chili powder,” “gun powder.”

Brown University is holding racially segregated lunches to increase minority student participation. Which means even Brown is trying not to be so white.

Brown University is holding racially segregated lunches to increase minority student participation. As opposed to the 1950s when racially segregated lunches also led to student participation, mostly in protest marches.

The U.S. ambassador to Mexico is resigning because of strained relations. It’s like some sort of wall has been built between the two countries.

A raft crashing through the roof of a house in Miami turned out to be dropped by the Canadian Air Force. Which was a relief because at first it was assumed to be an attack by the Cuban Navy.

A raft crashing through the roof of a house in Miami turned out to be dropped by the Canadian Air Force. Which means someone in the Canadian military was left up a creek without a paddle.

A raft crashing through the roof of a house in Miami turned out to be dropped by the Canadian Air Force. Which is ironic in that the homeowner avoided the raft, as opposed to the 1960s when everyone was going to Canada to avoid the draft.

A raft crashing through the roof of a house in Miami turned out to be dropped by the Canadian Air Force. It worked so well the Canadian military was thinking how great it will be if they ever get enough money in the budget to try it with actual bombs.

The Iraqi Parliament is demanding a timeline for a U.S. troop pullout. To which the Pentagon is sticking with their original estimate of some time in 2003.

HUD Secretary Ben Carson says he wants to cancel the order for a $31,000 dining table for his office. Especially since it was bought at IKEA and won’t even be completely assembled until 2024.

Fed Chair Jerome Powell says Well Fargo’s growth will be capped for a “significant period.” Meaning they will have to find another source of revenue that doesn’t include phony mortgages, fake bank accounts or fraudulent insurance plans.

A study says selfies make a person’s nose look 30% larger. Which is the most clever way anyone has ever come up with to end selfies forever.

A study says selfies make a person’s nose look 30% larger. Just imagine how bad that would be if the same effect happened with Kim Kardashian’s backside.

A study says Donald Trump’s immigration policy is stressing out Latino parents and their children. Which is different from everyone else who are instead stressed out by his economic, foreign and healthcare policies.

An 842-pound man featured on “My 600 Pound Life” has died. The sad part is that he still had more than 200 pounds to lose just to qualify to stay on the show.

An 842-pound man featured on “My 600 Pound Life” has died. That’s the show where they never plan for any new episodes more than three weeks in advance.

The woman behind the Instagram account “Woman With No Job” was fired for some controversial tweets. Which means maybe she should instead try her hand at psychic readings.

The woman behind the Instagram account “Woman With No Job” was fired for some controversial tweets. Which is not to be confused with Barbra Streisand’s account called “Woman Who Needs a Nose Job.”

The Illinois House will debate and vote on a tackle football ban for kids under 12. Which shouldn’t be hard seeing as how the Bears have pretty much done the same thing since 2005.

Fans in Russia will be allowed to bring pot, cocaine and heroin to matches to World Cup matches there this year. Apparently the government is allowing them to do whatever it takes to get through a three hour 0-0 tie.

Fans in Russia will be allowed to bring pot, cocaine and heroin to matches to World Cup matches there this year. Although the government isn’t crazy. There is still a strict shoot-on-site policy for anyone bringing in a vuvuzela.

The Raiders have identified thousands of parking spaces around their proposed stadium site in Las Vegas to meet local government requirements. The only question is whether they meet the necessary number of available jail cell space on game days.

Johnny Manziel tweeted he would play football for free. To which several NFL teams are saying “Can we negotiate?”

One third of Americans say the U.N. is doing a good job. The other two thirds realize they have their work cut out just trying to prevent Donald Trump from starting World War III.

A report is questioning Melania Trump qualifying to obtain an “Einstein Visa.” Although when comparing her IQ with her husband’s they had no choice but to declare her a super genius.

A report is questioning Melania Trump qualifying to obtain an “Einstein Visa.” Although how dumb can a woman be who moves to the U.S. from Slovenia and ends up a billionaire and First Lady?

A report says even oil companies admit climate change will hurt their business. Mostly because it will be hard for anyone to start their car when rising sea levels put them under five feet of water.

Donald Trump received two nominations for the Nobel Peace Prize which were both reportedly forged. Although some people say he should receive it for being in office a whole year without starting World War III.

The CEO of Twitter is asking for help fixing the site’s toxic environment. Which most people say can be done by just shutting down Donald Trump’s account.

The CEO of Twitter is asking for help fixing the site’s toxic environment. Which can really only be done if they quit allowing the site be used by people.

American Airlines is expanding their Basic Economy fares to international flights. Which is like signing on for an ocean cruise and being given a pair of oars.

Researchers say Americans stopped marrying cousins sometime around 1875. Which explains Alabama, which joined the union in 1819 and says some Southern traditions are just slow to die.

Utah Valley University says 4 out of 5 psychology textbooks have at least one error. Mostly the part where it says it is abnormal behavior to have more than one wife.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! There you go, another batch of jokes for your reading pleasure. Or whatever. I am just flattered and frankly a little surprised you all keep coming back to the blog for more. And I thought I was the glutton for punishment. At least it is the weekend, and I will see you again on Monday with yet another attempt to draw a few laughs amid the groans. But it always puts a smile on my face when you all remember to always keep on sending the love!


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