Sunday, March 18, 2018

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers! From the most prolific joke writer on the planet...!


Oscars President John Bailey is reportedly being investigated for sexual harassment. No wonder those statuettes are posed covering themselves.

Consumer confidence is at a 14 year high. People figure they might as well spend their cash now instead of trying to save it for when they can retire at 93.

Larry Kudlow says the economy will increase by 4-5%. Although it should be noted this is the same guy who said in 2007 there was no recession on the way.

Larry Kudlow says the economy will increase by 4-5%. He also predicted the same thing when he was at CNBC, right before being kicked into second place by the Fox Business Channel.

A woman staring at her phone screen for 20 straight hours nearly died from blood clots. The worst part is she was using her phone to Google the symptoms for why she had a 20 hour headache.

A woman staring at her phone screen for 20 straight hours nearly died from blood clots. Mostly from banging her head against the wall after 20 hours of reading Donald Trump’s tweets.

A couple flying Virgin Atlantic who were caught having sex in the restroom were asked by a flight attendant if they would jeopardize their holiday for oral sex. To which the man said that pretty much IS his holiday.

O.J. Simpson gave his first interview after being released from prison, saying Colin Kaepernick “made a mistake” protesting the National Anthem. Unlike O.J., Kaepernick left some witnesses.

A report says 65% of Americans are saving little or nothing, and half of them could end up struggling in retirement. The good news is they only have to worry about that if they make it to their retirement age of 93.

An Ohio man who ate at Chipotle 500 straight days says he is ready for something new. This time he would like to eat something that doesn’t taste so salmonella-y.

An Ohio man who ate at Chipotle 500 straight days says he is ready for something new. Which is different than if he ate at McDonald’s for 500 straight days and would have been looking for a doctor to perform his quadruple bypass.

An Ohio man who ate at Chipotle 500 straight days says he is ready for something new. Which is different than most people who would have been looking for something new about 497 days ago.

An Ohio man who ate at Chipotle 500 straight days says he is ready for something new. The restaurant donated $4,000 to charity, which is assumed to be to an organization working on a cure for E. coli.

A Nebraska bill would raise the state speed limit to 80 MPH. Mostly to help people who can’t drive fast enough to get out of Nebraska.

A Nebraska bill would raise the state speed limit to 80 MPH. Mostly because at that speed the corn actually looks like a green and yellow picket fence.

Chicago students protesting against gun violence trashed a Wal-Mart. The only question is how could anyone even tell?

John Kelly is defending Ben Carson spending $31,000 on a dining table for his office, saying it “could last 100 years.” What would be even more amazing is how Carson has even made it through 100 days as HUD Secretary.

John Kelly is defending Ben Carson spending $31,000 on a dining table for his office, saying it “could last 100 years.” Mostly because it came from IKEA and may take that long just to assemble.

A Romanian court has rejected a man’s claim he is still alive. Which he is finding out that being declared dead is better than having to try to live in Romania.

Kevin Federline wants Britney Spears to increase his child support of $20,000 a month, to compensate him for “the sacrifices he has made.” Although apparently the one sacrifice he won’t make is ever actually putting on a condom.

Kevin Federline wants Britney Spears to increase his child support of $20,000 a month, to compensate him for “the sacrifices he has made.” Apparently he feels if he is going to have an NBA sized family, he needs NBA sized money.

Former Victoria’s Secret model Bridget Malcolm opened up about her weight gain and “road to body acceptance.” Which explains why she is now a “former” Victoria’s Secret model.

Former Victoria’s Secret model Bridget Malcolm opened up about her weight gain and “road to body acceptance.” Which is known in the modeling world as the road to the unemployment office.

John Kelly says Rex Tillerson was on the toilet when he was told he was going to be fired. What better place is there to be when you are about to be dumped?

John Kelly says Rex Tillerson was on the toilet when he was told he was going to be fired. Apparently there was a misunderstanding when he told him he may want to sit down.

Police in Ohio arrested a man for cooking meth inside a White Castle restaurant. Apparently he thought the name of the burger joint was “Walter White Castle.”

Deputy FBI Director Andrew McCabe was fired just before he was going to retire. He should have known from watching every cop movie ever that law enforcement officials always meet their demise two days before they call it quits.

Russian hackers reportedly attacked U.S. aviation as part of their breaches. The only question is, if they messed with our airlines how could anyone even tell?

Sarah Sanders says there is no White House shakeup going on and everyone is keeping their job. Which has about the same ring of sincerity as a Major League manager getting the owner’s vote of confidence.

Sarah Sanders says there is no White House shakeup going on and everyone is keeping their job. Which would be easier to believe coming from a communications department that has already seen four directors go in the first year.

A Pittsburgh radiologist is being charged with making illegal prescriptions for opioids. Authorities say they were able to see right through his scheme.

The FTC is cracking down on alleged cryptocurrency schemes. Meaning pretty much all cryptocurrency.

The FTC is cracking down on alleged cryptocurrency schemes. Even the time share industry is telling people they won’t take Bitcoins because they are too shady.

Two high level senior executives at Nike are leaving the company. Which shows if you work in the shoe industry long enough, eventually you will get the boot.

U.S. job openings hit a record 6.3 Million as companies are seeking skilled workers. Although unskilled laborers can still apparently have a career at the White House.

A study says one in ten deaths of working age adults are a result of binge drinking. The other nine are binging and purging on the couch while binge watching Netflix.

A study says one in ten deaths of working age adults are a result of binge drinking. The number one cause for binge drinking being when people realize they will be working age until they reach 93.

Five doctors in New York have been charged with taking kickbacks for prescribing painkillers. Which they needed to deal with the pain of being kicked in the back.

A report says taste tests can’t differentiate between recycled toilet water and bottled or tap water. Which shows 10 Million dogs can’t all be wrong.

A report says taste tests can’t differentiate between recycled toilet water and bottled or tap water. Especially to anyone drinking Aquafina or turning on the faucet in Flint, Michigan.

A study says people can’t be obese and still be heart healthy. The only reason obese people don’t develop heart disease is because they die first from high blood pressure, diabetes or strokes.

A report says March Madness is the peak time for men getting vasectomies. Mostly because when men sit on the couch several days watching TV they realize that will all end the day they start having children.

Studies say climate change caused early humans to evolve more. Which is ironic in how recent climate change discussions have caused some to go right back.

The New Yorker magazine is under fire for a body shaming nude cover of Donald Trump. Apparently those complaining feel the magazine should be more like Trump and only shame people for disabilities, race and sex.

“Teen Mom 2” star Chelsea Houska is pregnant with baby number three at age 26. Or as that is called in TV terms, a rerun.

“Teen Mom 2” star Chelsea Houska is pregnant with baby number three at age 26. Who says child stars can’t have continued success as adults?

72 year old Don McLean is reportedly dating a 24 year old aspiring model. Who apparently has her sights set on being an aspiring widow heiress.

16th seeded UMBC beat number one seed Virginia in the NCAA basketball tournament. Charlottesville hasn’t had a worse effort on defense since they tried to protect that statue of Robert E. Lee.

Former NBA player Glen “Big Baby” Davis was arrested on drug charges in Maryland. He was caught trying to score a shipment of diaper rash ointment.

John Elway touted new Bronco quarterback Case Keenum but called him “Case Keesum.” Which was just Elway showing his age after listening to all those years of “American Top 40” with Casey Kasem.

O.J. Simpson says he is concerned he may have CTE from playing football. He says he sometimes forgets things like phone numbers and cutting off his wife’s head.

Maria Sharapova withdrew from a tournament in Miami with a forearm injury. Apparently it’s just her way of looking for a backhanded compliment.

Maria Sharapova withdrew from a tournament in Miami with a forearm injury. The only question is how has she played all these years without a serious injury to her vocal cords?

White House officials are reportedly considering rehiring Donald Trump personal aide John McEntee who was fired for frequent gambling. Mostly because that’s the last reason ever to be fired by someone who owns a string of casinos.

Monica Lewinsky says her relationship with Bill Clinton was filled with “inappropriate abuse of authority, station and privilege.” Who did he think he was, Donald Trump?

Monica Lewinsky posted a picture of a sweatshirt with the year 1998 on it, telling people not to buy it for her because she would never wear it. You would think if there was any garment she would be avoiding, it would be a blue dress.

A survey says 75% of teachers are against being trained to carry a gun in school. Mostly because the last thing they want to do is show students their 9 mm pistol and then have to try to teach them the metric system.

Dating site Tinder is suing upstart Bumble over stealing trade secrets. How many trade secrets can their be to an industry that all it needs to do to attract millions of men is show pictures of hot single women?

Dating site Tinder is suing upstart Bumble over stealing trade secrets. It turns out the only hookup both sites could generate is a court date.

Scientists say Jupiter’s red spot is shrinking and changing color. Which means the Solar System’s biggest red spot is now on Uranus. (Old, juvenile and immature, but still always funny!)

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! March Madness is underway, which means millions of women across the country will see their husbands completely disappear, otherwise known as a preview of what will be coming once the NFL season starts up again. I don’t really care about college sports, mostly because I graduated from Mississippi State and well, we’re taking a break this year. But I do have a bit of skin in the game as my daughter is a freshman at Marshall University which pulled off a great upset against Wichita State, which ironically was the Alma Mater of my late wife Karen. Now Marshall is up against WVU in a West Virginia in-state showdown. So I am good for at least one more game. But let’s face it, I don’t really get excited about much other than when you all remember to always keep on sending the love!



1 comment:

Anonymous said...

Your OJ Simpson forgetting things line made me laugh out loud!

Mark Merchant