Friday, March 16, 2018

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers! From the most prolific joke writer on the planet...!


Vladimir Putin has announced a mission to Mars in 2019 followed by a manned trip. He’ll have no problem finding volunteers as the people living in Siberia have got to look at pictures of the Mars landscape and say “Looks good to me!”

The mayor of Honolulu has OK’d a temporary ban on “monster” houses of 3,500 square feet or larger. Texans also have a name for 3,500 square foot homes. Cottages.

A pharmaceutical company is working on a liver-friendly alcohol. Although people drinking it are still risking DUIs, hangovers and calling their wife the wrong name.

A report says leading brands of bottled water are contaminated with plastic particles. Which is still good for the people of Flint, Michigan who between that and their tap water now have the choice of “regular” or “unleaded.”

A report says a quarter of U.S. adults are online almost constantly. The other three fourths take an occasional break to keep from being caught watching porn at home while their wives are around.

A report says a quarter of U.S. adults are online almost constantly. Mostly the ones who spend their entire day trying to get their kids to text back or pick up the phone.

A report says 11% of Americans don’t use the Internet at all. No one had any idea that many people were still signed up with AOL.

A report says 11% of Americans don’t use the Internet at all. There is a name for those people. Great grandma and grandpa.

A study says people working for themselves are happiest despite long hours and uncertainty. The problem is with the self-loathers who can’t help but hate the boss.

A luxury cruise line will visit all seven continents on the same voyage. As opposed to Carnival which visits one continent with the chance of arriving at any of the other six in a lifeboat.

Erie, Pennsylvania could hit 200 inches of snow this season. The only problem is that in the spring it will all melt away and people will find the city still there.

A supermarket in Taiwan has been fined for causing a toilet paper shortage. The government charged them saying “Please don’t put the squeeze on the shoppers!”

An Afghan couple named their son Donald Trump. Just like with the real one, all they need to do is leave him $100 Million in their will and the sky’s the limit!

The FDA has begun pushing cigarettes with drastically cut nicotine. Which should go over about as well as Johnny Walker non-alcohol and fat-free McDonald’s.

A French baker has been fined for working too much. The government feels all workers need at least one day a week where they can actually be polite to others.

Donald Trump admits making up figures of a trade deficit with Canada to Justin Trudeau. People were shocked. Trump actually admitted to a lie?

Donald Trump admits making up figures of a trade deficit with Canada to Justin Trudeau. Which was still easier to believe than his claims that he got more votes than Hillary Clinton.

Donald Trump admits making up figures of a trade deficit with Canada to Justin Trudeau. Trudeau was unfazed. He would have only been caught off guard if Trump had actually told him something that was the truth.

Britain has dropped a plan to scrap the penny for now. Mostly because in another few months they will just be replaced in value by Bitcoin.

Britain has dropped a plan to scrap the penny for now. That won’t happen in the U.S. as that is pretty much the only currency most people have left in their pockets.

Homeowners have gained an average of $15,000 in home equity last year. Meaning they took out a $15,000 home equity loan to try to pay off some of their bills.

Toys R Us is seeking liquidation of all its U.S. stores. Apparently there was just not enough business generated by kids over 2 once they dropped toys for an iPad.

Toys R Us is seeking liquidation of all its U.S. stores. The company hasn’t lost this much money since they had to send Geoffrey to an ear, nose and throat specialist.

A survey says only 5% of Americans think tech is the most powerful, influential industry. The other 95% didn’t respond to the survey because they were completely hypnotized by the screen on their smartphone.

A survey says only 5% of Americans think tech is the most powerful, influential industry. The other 95% say it has to be Detroit that still manages to make us buy their cars that are lucky to still work after more than a couple of years.

Cryptocurrencies plunged on bad news from Wall Street this week. The bad news being most other people consider cryptocurrency the same as Monopoly money.

Oklahoma will start using inert gas inhalation instead of lethal injections to carry out the death penalty. Which will mean inmates’ last words will be “At least it smells better than Oklahoma.”

A report says astronaut Scott Kelly’s genes became different than those of his twin brother after a year in space. The sad part is that the only genes that didn’t change are the ones that make him bald.

Rick Perry says he has no interest in heading the Department of Veterans Affairs. He says what soldiers do outside their marriage is their own business.

Rick Perry says he has no interest in heading the Department of Veterans Affairs. Apparently being in charge of Energy has left him with no steam.

Research shows that another hazard of smoking is hearing loss. When most smokers were given the news, they said “What?!”

Research shows that another hazard of smoking is hearing loss. Mostly as a defense mechanism from years of listening to people telling them “Stop smoking!”

Health officials say travelers in Detroit, Newark and Memphis may have been exposed to measles. Which is better than most travelers to Detroit, Newark and Memphis who are instead usually just exposed to assault, robbery and murder.

A study says women in good physical shape are 90% less likely to develop dementia. Mostly because the ones who are out of shape don’t mind forgetting how bad they look in front of a mirror.

Kendall Jenner denies she is gay, saying she “literally has nothing to hide.” None of the Kardashians has ever had anything they have tried to hide, say by putting on some clothes.

George Lucas says his L.A. museum is “Not a ‘Star Wars’ museum.” Meaning he is trying to attract people other than 40-60 year old single men.

Harper Lee’s estate is suing a Broadway production of “To Kill A Mockingbird,” saying Aaron Sorkin’s script alters the characters. Apparently he went too far turning it into a White House political thriller.

“Brady Bunch” star Barry Williams says he was shocked when the show ended. Which must be sad for him knowing he was the only one.

Bristol Palin will be the Maid of Honor at the wedding of her sister Willow. At a wedding featuring a bride named Willow, you know everyone will be weeping.

Twice divorced Bristol Palin will be the Maid of Honor at the wedding of her sister Willow. Mostly because her sister wants someone experienced there who has been through the routine a number of times.

Quarterback Josh McCown signed a contract with the New York Jets while at a Chick-fil-A. Which is ironic that he signed for a job where he only works on Sunday at a place that is only open Monday through Saturday.

Sean McDonough says working on Monday Night Football was not fun. Someone should tell him that no job is fun but wouldn’t be too bad if they paid a network football announcer’s salary.

Sean McDonough says working on Monday Night Football was not fun. Mostly because he had to work Monday nights while all his friends were getting drunk watching Monday Night Football.

Under Armor celebrated Steph Curry’s birthday and Pi Day by introducing a new shoe. Although the NBA stopped short of giving Curry 3.14 points on anything beyond the arc.

Fox says it will take no commercial breaks on seven of its eight televised USGA events. Which may not be a good idea in expecting viewers to sit through eight straight uninterrupted hours listening to Joe Buck.

Vanessa and Donald Trump, Jr. have filed for divorce. Apparently she was upset that she was the only Trump woman whose husband didn’t have the clout to get her a job in the White House.

Donald Trump has added $1 Trillion to the national debt in just 14 months. That’s what happens when you elect a person President who has gone bankrupt six times and says he wants to run the nation like a business.

Donald Trump’s personal assistant John McEntee was reportedly fired because of a gambling problem. Hopefully he didn’t put any money down on keeping his job much more than a year.

Donald Trump says he will roll out his plan to tackle the opioid crisis, including the death penalty for dealers. Not the ones in the offices of pharmaceutical companies. They will be instead be punished by receiving a massive tax cut.

House Democrats are accusing Donald Trump of pushing out State Department staffers who are not loyal to him. Which means everyone currently working in Washington, D.C. can consider their job on the line.

House Democrats are accusing Donald Trump of pushing out State Department staffers who are not loyal to him. Which brings up the question what took so long to fire Rex Tillerson after calling Trump “a moron” last July?

Melania Trump has invited tech giants to a meeting about cyberbullying. Where they will pretty much spend the whole time reading tweets sent out by her husband.

A committee on wildlife protection is reportedly filled with trophy hunters. While most have the heads of elephants and rhinos on their walls, Donald Trump’s Oval Office is decorated with the heads of Rex Tillerson, James Comey and Sean Spicer.

A committee on wildlife protection is reportedly filled with trophy hunters. As opposed to Donald Trump, whose trophy case includes Ivana, Marla and Melania.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Saturday is St. Patrick’s Day, where as it was pointed out on “The Simpsons” is the day where “everyone is Irish except the Italians and the gays.” I don’t particularly like corned beef and cabbage and I don’t drink alcohol so that is one day I am pretty much out of the loop. But for those who do celebrate by going to a bar, knock yourself out. Or if you wait long enough, someone will drink enough to want to do it for you. I hope you all have a great weekend and even though I won’t be partaking in the festivities, it is always a reason to celebrate when all of you remember to always keep on sending the love!



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