Richard Simmons has been ordered to pay $130,000 to the
National Enquirer over a lawsuit. To which Donald Trump says “$130,000? What
did he do, sleep with it?”
Richard Simmons has been ordered to pay $130,000 to the
National Enquirer over a lawsuit. To which Simmons is now sweatin’ with the
checkbook.
Finland has been ranked as the happiest place to live.
Although it’s based on the people there looking forward to the three months of
the year it isn’t snowing and the few meals that don’t consist of lutefisk.
Finland has been ranked as the happiest place to live.
Disneyland used to be the “Happiest place on Earth” until it was realized you
can only live there four days before going through your entire life savings.
Swiss cities topped a list of cocaine consumption. The good
news for the people there is that they have enough money where a lot of people
can afford cocaine.
Swiss cities topped a list of cocaine consumption. It was
based on nasal exams that showed even their Swiss cheese doesn’t have as many holes
as their septums.
Stephen Hawking’s final warning says humans need to leave
the Earth in 200 years or face extinction. In other words, he had seen the
future and it is Cleveland.
Students across the country walked out of school Wednesday
to protest gun violence. If nothing else, it saved them from gun violence just
not being in school.
Ford has recalled 1.4 Million vehicles because of steering
wheels that can fall off. That isn’t quite what people meant when they said
they wanted self-driving cars.
Doctors are hunting for hidden cancers using glowing dyes.
Which is a great breakthrough until someone discovers that glowing dyes are
carcinogenic.
Robert DeNiro slammed Donald Trump’s “world of dishonesty
and greed.” Which is especially vicious coming from a person who staked his
Academy Award-winning career making “Dirty Grandpa.”
South Carolina Governor Henry McMaster called a student
walkout over gun violence “shameful.” He feels they should have taken a more
honorable stand, like protecting the right to fly the Confederate flag.
A gun-trained teacher in California accidentally discharged
a gun in class injuring a student. Which gun supporters say that the fact it
was done only accidentally shows the system works.
A gun-trained teacher in California accidentally discharged
a gun in class injuring a student. But since the incident happened in an
Administration of Justice class, it was just ruled a case of extreme irony.
Austin police have received nearly 400 calls for suspicious
packages in the wake of several bombings. Where are all those “porch pirates”
when you really need them?
Austin police have received nearly 400 calls for suspicious
packages in the wake of several bombings. Even worse is that more calls are coming
in for package deliveries that hurt property values being stamped with the
Amazon logo.
The head of the Vatican’s Astronomy Observatory hailed
Stephen Hawking for giving a “human face” to astronomy. Although they thought
it was unfortunate that the human face came along with that creepy computer
voice.
The head of the Vatican’s Astronomy Observatory hailed
Stephen Hawking for giving a “human face” to astronomy. Although it was pointed
out that Hawking was 14 Billion years off the mark as the universe started only
5,000 years ago.
The head of the Vatican’s Astronomy Observatory hailed
Stephen Hawking for giving a “human face” to astronomy. Donald Trump also
saluted his contributions to astrology, saying things are going well for him
because he is a Gemini.
A sixth grade student in Alabama wrote out a will in case of
a school shooting. He even left his body to science for research into the
long-range effects of cooties.
A sixth grade student in Alabama wrote out a will in case of
a school shooting. People were shocked. A sixth grader in Alabama can write?
A sixth grade student in Alabama wrote out a will in case of
a school shooting. People were impressed. That was a very mature effort coming
from a 17 year old.
The Nigerian president vows “no rest” until abducted
schoolgirls go free. They will work nonstop until they are able to pay the bail
money for their release to that group of Nigerian princes.
Police in Italy have broken up a macrobiotic sect that
forced members to adhere to a strict diet. Or as that is called in America, inhumane
and barbaric torture.
Police in Italy have broken up a macrobiotic sect that
forced members to adhere to a strict diet. In America, that’s called going to
McDonald’s and being told no French fries.
A poll says 86% of university presidents in the U.S. cite
negative effects of a liberal political bias on campus. Especially since
liberals are the ones who are pushing for free college education.
The Governor of New Jersey says he wants to legalize pot
within a year. To which the legislature is saying just as soon as they can get
enough votes yet to legalize dumping bodies in the East River.
The Governor of New Jersey says he wants to legalize pot
within a year. Mostly just to finally give young people a reason to stay in New
Jersey.
Iran is calling Secretary of State nominee Mike Pompeo
“cowboyish” and “eager to start a war.” To which Pompeo is asking how they got
hold of his resume?
A survey says Americans are not saving money because bills
are too high and their paychecks are too low. What’s next, telling people they
are getting fat because they eat too much and never get off the couch?
A survey says Americans are not saving money because bills
are too high and their paychecks are too low. Which is not exactly news to a
generation trying to pay off college loans by driving for Uber.
The SEC is accusing Theranos CEO Elizabeth Holmes of massive
fraud and says she must pay $500,000. To which Wall Street banks and
pharmaceutical companies are saying “Thanks for taking the heat off of us!”
The SEC is accusing Theranos CEO Elizabeth Holmes of massive
fraud and fined her $500,000. At least she can still get by with her degree
from Trump University.
A study says out of pocket health care costs are likely to
take half of people’s Social Security income by 2030. Americans were shocked.
Social Security will still be around in 2030?
Washington, D.C. has been rated with the highest salary
satisfaction in the country. Mostly because the base pay of the government
workers doesn’t even include the money they get from bribes, graft and
kickbacks.
France plans to sue Google and Apple over their treatment of
French software developers. Who do they think they are, the French?
Wal-Mart says they will expand their home grocery delivery. Mostly
because it is easy to expand a business based on the expanding waistlines of
Wal-Mart shoppers.
A Chicago woman is suing MB Financial Bank after being
charged $6,000 in overdraft fees. Which turns out she was overdrawn because the
bank took out $6,000 in fees.
A Chicago woman is suing MB Financial Bank after being
charged $6,000 in overdraft fees. Not only that, they are also being sued by
Wells Fargo for stealing their business model.
Doctors in Northern Ireland say an air bubble inside a man’s
head made it look like part of his brain was missing. Their first diagnosis was
he was some kind of airhead.
A study says the U.S. spends twice that of other countries
on healthcare with worse results. It’s so bad even Obamacare couldn’t be helped
by Obamacare.
A study says the U.S. spends twice that of other countries
on healthcare with worse results. By comparison, that even makes trying to pay
off college tuition loans with a minimum wage job look like a good deal.
A study says weight loss surgery beats medicines for obese
teenagers. Although the best advice is before going under the knife, try
putting down the steak knife.
A study says cutting copays of patients makes them more
likely to take medications. Especially the ones who had a heart attack after
getting their pharmacy bill.
A Florida man donated a kidney to his wife of 23 years. He’s
just lucky he didn’t go with his original choice of giving her a vacuum cleaner
for her birthday.
A report says nausea can be cured by sniffing alcohol.
Except in people who are nauseated because they were drinking shots of Jack
Daniels the past three days.
A Jamaican songwriter is suing Miley Cyrus for $300 Million
for stealing one of his songs. People are questioning the legitimacy of a
songwriter who would admit his work sounds like a Miley Cyrus tune.
A Jamaican songwriter is suing Miley Cyrus for $300 Million
for stealing one of his songs. Apparently he is basing the amount on the
estimated value of all of Jamaica.
Taylor Swift reportedly is saying boyfriend Joe Alwyn is
“the one.” At least the one for Wednesdays from 7:00-9:00.
Minor league baseball is considering rules changes to speed
up the game, including a 15 second pitch clock. Although the games would really
go by faster if they could put a 45 minute clock on the people singing the
National Anthem.
Adrian Beltre and Bartolo Colon are the only Major Leaguers
this year who have played 20 or more seasons. Apparently they figure if they
hang around another 20, the odds are pretty much certain they will finally win
a World Series.
Adrian Beltre and Bartolo Colon are the only Major Leaguers
this year who have played 20 or more seasons. They don’t want to hang it up
until they can subsidize their salaries with that monthly Social Security
check.
Reggie Jackson is set to have knee surgery after taking a
fall. Which means “Mr. October” will from now on be known as “Mr. Rascal
Scooter.”
LeBron James says he is like a fine wine, getting better
with age. Although James should realize that old wines are usually found in the
cellar.
The Tennessee legislature declined to pass a resolution
denouncing Neo-Nazism. Apparently they like the idea of parade permit revenue
now that Charlottesville has been closed for business.
The Tennessee legislature declined to pass a resolution
denouncing Neo-Nazism. Apparently they were worried they all might lose out on
being considered for jobs in the West Wing.
A Senator blasted United Airlines after a second mishap
involving a dog. He feels the airline needs to be held accountable when they
start treating animal passengers like they are some kind of humans.
A Senator blasted United Airlines after a second mishap
involving a dog. He would just like to see an airline employee try to put a pit
bull in the overhead bin.
Apple has debuted a new page to help parents with screen
time concerns. Which they will access as soon as they can get their kids to
show them how to use it.
Audi cars can now read traffic lights in Washington, D.C.
Now if the carmakers could only do something to help with the hopeless gridlock
on Capitol Hill.
That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! You had all better
beware. Today is the Ides of March, which turned out to not be one of the
better days for Julius Caesar. The ides are pretty much just a day that
signaled the middle of the month. Just in case you wondered. Although the
actual middle of a 31 day month should be the 16th. Of course, that
wasn’t such a good day for Caesar, either because he was still dead. I mention
these facts because if I can’t make you laugh at least you can learn something
once in awhile from this site. Now that we have that out of the way, I celebrate
the dates when you all remember to always keep on sending the love!
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