Thursday, March 15, 2018

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers! From the most prolific joke writer on the planet...!


Richard Simmons has been ordered to pay $130,000 to the National Enquirer over a lawsuit. To which Donald Trump says “$130,000? What did he do, sleep with it?”

Richard Simmons has been ordered to pay $130,000 to the National Enquirer over a lawsuit. To which Simmons is now sweatin’ with the checkbook.

Finland has been ranked as the happiest place to live. Although it’s based on the people there looking forward to the three months of the year it isn’t snowing and the few meals that don’t consist of lutefisk.

Finland has been ranked as the happiest place to live. Disneyland used to be the “Happiest place on Earth” until it was realized you can only live there four days before going through your entire life savings.

Swiss cities topped a list of cocaine consumption. The good news for the people there is that they have enough money where a lot of people can afford cocaine.

Swiss cities topped a list of cocaine consumption. It was based on nasal exams that showed even their Swiss cheese doesn’t have as many holes as their septums.

Stephen Hawking’s final warning says humans need to leave the Earth in 200 years or face extinction. In other words, he had seen the future and it is Cleveland.

Students across the country walked out of school Wednesday to protest gun violence. If nothing else, it saved them from gun violence just not being in school.

Ford has recalled 1.4 Million vehicles because of steering wheels that can fall off. That isn’t quite what people meant when they said they wanted self-driving cars.

Doctors are hunting for hidden cancers using glowing dyes. Which is a great breakthrough until someone discovers that glowing dyes are carcinogenic.

Robert DeNiro slammed Donald Trump’s “world of dishonesty and greed.” Which is especially vicious coming from a person who staked his Academy Award-winning career making “Dirty Grandpa.”

South Carolina Governor Henry McMaster called a student walkout over gun violence “shameful.” He feels they should have taken a more honorable stand, like protecting the right to fly the Confederate flag.

A gun-trained teacher in California accidentally discharged a gun in class injuring a student. Which gun supporters say that the fact it was done only accidentally shows the system works.

A gun-trained teacher in California accidentally discharged a gun in class injuring a student. But since the incident happened in an Administration of Justice class, it was just ruled a case of extreme irony.

Austin police have received nearly 400 calls for suspicious packages in the wake of several bombings. Where are all those “porch pirates” when you really need them?

Austin police have received nearly 400 calls for suspicious packages in the wake of several bombings. Even worse is that more calls are coming in for package deliveries that hurt property values being stamped with the Amazon logo.

The head of the Vatican’s Astronomy Observatory hailed Stephen Hawking for giving a “human face” to astronomy. Although they thought it was unfortunate that the human face came along with that creepy computer voice.

The head of the Vatican’s Astronomy Observatory hailed Stephen Hawking for giving a “human face” to astronomy. Although it was pointed out that Hawking was 14 Billion years off the mark as the universe started only 5,000 years ago.

The head of the Vatican’s Astronomy Observatory hailed Stephen Hawking for giving a “human face” to astronomy. Donald Trump also saluted his contributions to astrology, saying things are going well for him because he is a Gemini.

A sixth grade student in Alabama wrote out a will in case of a school shooting. He even left his body to science for research into the long-range effects of cooties.

A sixth grade student in Alabama wrote out a will in case of a school shooting. People were shocked. A sixth grader in Alabama can write?

A sixth grade student in Alabama wrote out a will in case of a school shooting. People were impressed. That was a very mature effort coming from a 17 year old.

The Nigerian president vows “no rest” until abducted schoolgirls go free. They will work nonstop until they are able to pay the bail money for their release to that group of Nigerian princes.

Police in Italy have broken up a macrobiotic sect that forced members to adhere to a strict diet. Or as that is called in America, inhumane and barbaric torture.

Police in Italy have broken up a macrobiotic sect that forced members to adhere to a strict diet. In America, that’s called going to McDonald’s and being told no French fries.

A poll says 86% of university presidents in the U.S. cite negative effects of a liberal political bias on campus. Especially since liberals are the ones who are pushing for free college education.

The Governor of New Jersey says he wants to legalize pot within a year. To which the legislature is saying just as soon as they can get enough votes yet to legalize dumping bodies in the East River.

The Governor of New Jersey says he wants to legalize pot within a year. Mostly just to finally give young people a reason to stay in New Jersey.

Iran is calling Secretary of State nominee Mike Pompeo “cowboyish” and “eager to start a war.” To which Pompeo is asking how they got hold of his resume?

A survey says Americans are not saving money because bills are too high and their paychecks are too low. What’s next, telling people they are getting fat because they eat too much and never get off the couch?

A survey says Americans are not saving money because bills are too high and their paychecks are too low. Which is not exactly news to a generation trying to pay off college loans by driving for Uber.

The SEC is accusing Theranos CEO Elizabeth Holmes of massive fraud and says she must pay $500,000. To which Wall Street banks and pharmaceutical companies are saying “Thanks for taking the heat off of us!”

The SEC is accusing Theranos CEO Elizabeth Holmes of massive fraud and fined her $500,000. At least she can still get by with her degree from Trump University.

A study says out of pocket health care costs are likely to take half of people’s Social Security income by 2030. Americans were shocked. Social Security will still be around in 2030?

Washington, D.C. has been rated with the highest salary satisfaction in the country. Mostly because the base pay of the government workers doesn’t even include the money they get from bribes, graft and kickbacks.

France plans to sue Google and Apple over their treatment of French software developers. Who do they think they are, the French?

Wal-Mart says they will expand their home grocery delivery. Mostly because it is easy to expand a business based on the expanding waistlines of Wal-Mart shoppers.

A Chicago woman is suing MB Financial Bank after being charged $6,000 in overdraft fees. Which turns out she was overdrawn because the bank took out $6,000 in fees.

A Chicago woman is suing MB Financial Bank after being charged $6,000 in overdraft fees. Not only that, they are also being sued by Wells Fargo for stealing their business model.

Doctors in Northern Ireland say an air bubble inside a man’s head made it look like part of his brain was missing. Their first diagnosis was he was some kind of airhead.

A study says the U.S. spends twice that of other countries on healthcare with worse results. It’s so bad even Obamacare couldn’t be helped by Obamacare.

A study says the U.S. spends twice that of other countries on healthcare with worse results. By comparison, that even makes trying to pay off college tuition loans with a minimum wage job look like a good deal.

A study says weight loss surgery beats medicines for obese teenagers. Although the best advice is before going under the knife, try putting down the steak knife.

A study says cutting copays of patients makes them more likely to take medications. Especially the ones who had a heart attack after getting their pharmacy bill.

A Florida man donated a kidney to his wife of 23 years. He’s just lucky he didn’t go with his original choice of giving her a vacuum cleaner for her birthday.

A report says nausea can be cured by sniffing alcohol. Except in people who are nauseated because they were drinking shots of Jack Daniels the past three days.

A Jamaican songwriter is suing Miley Cyrus for $300 Million for stealing one of his songs. People are questioning the legitimacy of a songwriter who would admit his work sounds like a Miley Cyrus tune.

A Jamaican songwriter is suing Miley Cyrus for $300 Million for stealing one of his songs. Apparently he is basing the amount on the estimated value of all of Jamaica.

Taylor Swift reportedly is saying boyfriend Joe Alwyn is “the one.” At least the one for Wednesdays from 7:00-9:00.

Minor league baseball is considering rules changes to speed up the game, including a 15 second pitch clock. Although the games would really go by faster if they could put a 45 minute clock on the people singing the National Anthem.

Adrian Beltre and Bartolo Colon are the only Major Leaguers this year who have played 20 or more seasons. Apparently they figure if they hang around another 20, the odds are pretty much certain they will finally win a World Series.

Adrian Beltre and Bartolo Colon are the only Major Leaguers this year who have played 20 or more seasons. They don’t want to hang it up until they can subsidize their salaries with that monthly Social Security check.

Reggie Jackson is set to have knee surgery after taking a fall. Which means “Mr. October” will from now on be known as “Mr. Rascal Scooter.”

LeBron James says he is like a fine wine, getting better with age. Although James should realize that old wines are usually found in the cellar.

The Tennessee legislature declined to pass a resolution denouncing Neo-Nazism. Apparently they like the idea of parade permit revenue now that Charlottesville has been closed for business.

The Tennessee legislature declined to pass a resolution denouncing Neo-Nazism. Apparently they were worried they all might lose out on being considered for jobs in the West Wing.

A Senator blasted United Airlines after a second mishap involving a dog. He feels the airline needs to be held accountable when they start treating animal passengers like they are some kind of humans.

A Senator blasted United Airlines after a second mishap involving a dog. He would just like to see an airline employee try to put a pit bull in the overhead bin.

Apple has debuted a new page to help parents with screen time concerns. Which they will access as soon as they can get their kids to show them how to use it.

Audi cars can now read traffic lights in Washington, D.C. Now if the carmakers could only do something to help with the hopeless gridlock on Capitol Hill.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! You had all better beware. Today is the Ides of March, which turned out to not be one of the better days for Julius Caesar. The ides are pretty much just a day that signaled the middle of the month. Just in case you wondered. Although the actual middle of a 31 day month should be the 16th. Of course, that wasn’t such a good day for Caesar, either because he was still dead. I mention these facts because if I can’t make you laugh at least you can learn something once in awhile from this site. Now that we have that out of the way, I celebrate the dates when you all remember to always keep on sending the love!



No comments: