Wednesday, March 14, 2018

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers! From the most prolific joke writer on the planet...!


Rex Tillerson was fired as Secretary of State by Donald Trump, saying “We didn’t think the same.” At least it’s nice to go out of a job with a colossal compliment.

 New York rapper Craig Mack has died at age 46. No cause of death was given, but in the rap world making it to 46 pretty much qualifies as dying from old age.

Mounted police in Florida have been dealing with drunken teens, brawls in the sand along with drug use and sex. In other words, during spring break the college dorms have just moved a thousand miles to the south.

A porn star will reportedly shoot a film having sex with a robot. To which all the actresses who have worked with Keanu Reeves are saying “It’s been done.”

Scientology TV has launched with the slogan “We’re not here to preach to you.” Mostly because they are just there to get you to hand over all your money to them.

Pennsylvania has seen an uptick in STDs. Which is just seen as collateral damage any time a state has one of its teams win the Super Bowl.

Pennsylvania has seen an uptick in STDs. That’s what you get in a state that has a Beaver County and a city named Intercourse.

Pennsylvania has seen an uptick in STDs, with a 34% increase in gonorrhea. To which everyone under 40 is asking “What’s gonorrhea?”

Elon Musk is warning Mars travelers “there is a good chance you will die.” Which is the same warning going out to anyone buying a self-driving Tesla Model S that catches fire on impact.

Elon Musk is warning Mars travelers “there is a good chance you will die.” Which is exactly the same thing United flight attendants always say to passengers in their pre-flight announcements.

A study on sexuality says there is no such thing as being “totally straight.” Although any man who believes that should just try to kiss Chuck Norris.

A man was murdered while driving in a funeral procession in Baltimore. The good news is he was able to get in on the funeral home’s current 2 for 1 discount special.

A study says 6 in 10 Millennials are going through a “quarter life crisis.” The sad part is, young people are so out of shape that now the quarter life mark is hit around 10.

A study says 6 in 10 Millennials are going through a “quarter life crisis.” Which is sad to realize at 25 instead of the traditional 50 that their best years are behind them.

A report says LGBTQ people are still fighting for inclusion in St. Patrick’s Day parades across the country. Which seems strange for parades that are led by petite men wearing lime green costumes adorned with four leaf clovers.

Donald Trump is reportedly asking for advice on how to deal with Stormy Daniels. Which the answer for him would be to lie, deny and make a pay off as usual.

New York has stopped a sewage train to Alabama after residents complained of a “horrific smell.” The worst part is that locals thought it meant they were finally getting Amtrak service.

New York has stopped a sewage train to Alabama after residents complained of a “horrific smell.” Whatever happened to the idea of just dumping everything in the East River?

New York has stopped a sewage train to Alabama after residents complained of a “horrific smell.” New Yorkers thought it wouldn’t bother anyone in the South who had ever cooked up a batch of chitterlings.

Delta received a social media backlash after making passengers wait an hour to deplane in Sioux Falls. The airline said they thought they were doing everyone a favor by saving them an hour of being in Sioux Falls.

Delta received a social media backlash after making passengers wait an hour to deplane in Sioux Falls. To which United jumped in saying they would have dragged everyone off the plane immediately after landing.

A Pennsylvania lawmaker says the way to stop bullying is to fine their parents $500. In other words, take away their milk money.

Five women have accused architect Richard Meier of sexual harassment. Ironically, they are now all building their case against him.

Hillary Clinton says Donald Trump won the election by vowing to take the country “backwards.” Which turns out to be back to around 1990 before anyone ever heard of the Clintons.

A report says fake news concerns haven’t hurt the popularity of YouTube. Mostly because people just don’t care if the hamster eating a cracker or the cat playing the piano are just actors paid to make it look real.

A report says by 2035, elderly people over 65 will outnumber children in the U.S. At least in England it’s still a one-to one ratio with 73 year old Mick Jagger and 68 year old Ronnie Wood still having kids.

A report says by 2035, elderly people over 65 will outnumber children in the U.S. Which is good since all the Millennials and their kids need to have grandma and grandpa around so they can hit them up for some extra spending cash.

A report says by 2035, elderly people over 65 will outnumber children in the U.S. Which will take some of the pressure off the old folks whose Social Security checks go straight to cover for the Tooth Fairy, Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny.

A study says Americans have good instincts with what to do with a sudden cash windfall or loss. Which is pretty much to pay cash if you have it, and if you don’t just add it to the credit card debt.

Amazon is looking at dropping packages onto patios from drones 25 feet in the air. Apparently that is the exact height needed to replicate the damage from having the same item drop kicked over the fence by postal workers.

Dick’s Sporting Goods says firearms restrictions have turned away some customers. Mostly because the people interested in high-powered rifles aren’t very likely to be shopping around for any athletic gear that requires ever getting off the couch.

A House vote is near on a GOP bill to let people use unproven drugs. In other words, they want to take us back to the experience of going to college in the 1960s.

A House vote is near on a GOP bill to let people use unproven drugs. Mostly as a way to let Big Pharma make obscene profits while not having to waste all their money on expensive testing to see if they actually work.

A House vote is near on a GOP bill to let people use unproven drugs. Why go through all that expensive testing when you can determine if a drug is working by the number of people who use it and don’t die.

A study says a good marriage helps keep people thin. Which looking at most Americans shows it is no wonder why so many people are getting divorced.

A study says a good marriage helps keep people thin. And vice versa.

A pill that combines three high blood pressure drugs is showing promise. Except for the people who have high blood pressure paying for a pill at triple the cost.

A study found asbestos in Claire’s makeup marketed to teens. The good news is that the kids don’t have to worry about their faces ever spontaneously catching fire.

A study says one in 20 younger women suffer serious depression. Mostly from the fear of how crummy life gets being an older woman.

A study says one in 20 younger women suffer serious depression. Mostly from realizing their life from here out will consist of dating, marriage, having kids, then a career and being lucky to retire at 93.

James Corden challenged Oprah to make him cry on the air. Which she did by telling him how much she made on her daytime talk show compared to his late night gig.

James Corden challenged Oprah to make him cry on the air. Which she did by suckering him into buying into a lifetime membership with Weight Watchers.

“Deal Or No Deal” with Howie Mandel will be making a comeback on CNBC. Although some people think it is just a preview for the upcoming summit between Donald Trump and Kim Jong-un.

Deion Sanders is advising young quarterbacks not to play on the Cleveland Browns. Which is not good advice for someone who wants to make a great paycheck while never having any pressure put on them to actually win.

A poll says 4 in 10 Americans want Donald Trump to fill out an NCAA bracket. Mostly because they know they have a better chance of seeing that than ever getting a look at his tax returns.

Caleb Joseph is the starting catcher for the Orioles after going through 2016 without a single RBI. Mostly because on the Orioles, no RBIs just means no home runs.

A report says the graduation rate for teams in March Madness is 78%. Which sounds suspicious as 78% isn’t even the high school graduation rate for players at UNLV.

Donald Trump’s pick for CIA Director faces scrutiny over her role in the CIA torture program. Which brings up the question as to why she wasn’t ever scrutinized before because of her role in the CIA torture program?

A Wells Fargo AI robot is predicting Boston will win the contest for Amazon’s HQ2. Not only that, but the robot also predicted that within two years anyone hired to work there will be replaced by another robot.

A Wells Fargo AI robot is predicting Boston will win the contest for Amazon’s HQ2. It also predicted anyone gullible enough to work for Amazon will also be over at Wells Fargo getting suckered into signing up for a fake bank account.

A study says legal pot is a boon to the economy. Although the bad part is that the study just got finished after being started in Berkeley back in 1968.

A study says fake news stories travel six times faster on Twitter. No one had any idea that Donald Trump could actually type with that kind of speed.

United Airlines is considering adding a premium economy class. That’s the upgrade where they serve passengers Champagne before dragging them off the plane.

Stephen Hawking has died at age 76. It’s the one thing he ever did that most people can actually understand.

Stephen Hawking has died at age 76. He got around in a motorized wheelchair and spoke with a computerized voice. When he first met IBM’s Watson, the supercomputer looked at him and said “Daddy?”

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Sad news about the passing of Stephen Hawking. There is a person who was looking back into the very moments of the creation of the universe while the rest of us can barely get through half of the USA Today crossword puzzle. Thank goodness there are people like him around who do research that would scare the crap out of the rest of us. That kind of stuff is just too existential for me. That’s when I put my fingers in my ears and go “Lalalalala…!” I try not to think about things that complex, as you can tell by reading any of my jokes. I just try to go along day by day and tackle the small stuff as it comes along. But it’s always a major victory when you all remember to always keep on sending the love!



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