Tuesday, March 13, 2018

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers! From the most prolific joke writer on the planet...!




Rex Tillerson has been fired as Secretary of State by Donald Trump. Which now we know the deal Trump has made with Stormy Daniels to keep her quiet.

A prehistoric, 10 Million year old cave has been discovered in Texas. It turns out it was just the campaign headquarters for Ted Cruz.

Some Mother’s Day cards are going gender-neutral. That’s a big relief for all the Kardashian family who are wondering what they should do for Caitlyn Jenner.

Tim McGraw collapsed on stage during a performance in Ireland. It’s nice to see performers who when on the road adopt the local customs and traditions.

A nun involved in a lawsuit against Katy Perry died during a court appearance. It appears to be suspicious as it turns out one of Perry’s lawyers is the Left Shark.

A report says McDonald’s food contains more calories, sugar and salt than it did 30 years ago. Well, they had to use something to replace the beef they no longer use.

ABC’s “American Idol” upstaged the Fox O.J. Simpson special. Mostly because having Simpson confess to murder was seen by most people as another rerun.

Steven Spielberg says the premier of “Ready Player One” gave him the “biggest anxiety attack” he has ever had. Although it’s hard to believe he could have ever been more nervous than after the reviews came out for “1941.”

A Pennsylvania couple accused of waterboarding their 12 year old daughter was given three years’ probation. It’s just a good thing they didn’t do anything really traumatic to the girl, like take away her iPhone for a day.

Vladimir Putin is expected to win next Sunday’s election with 69% of the vote. To which Donald Trump says that’s no big deal. It’s only a real accomplishment when you can be elected with only 35% of the people behind you.

Vladimir Putin is expected to win next Sunday’s election with 69% of the vote. The other 31% say the salt mines are a job and Siberia isn’t so bad this time of year.

Vladimir Putin is expected to win next Sunday’s election with 69% of the vote. To which Donald Trump says that’s no big deal. To which Putin says to Donald Trump, “Now that’s how you do rigged elections and fake news!”

 The population of Alaska has dropped for the first time in decades. Apparently some of the people there just can’t take all the global warming and temperatures making it all the way into the 50s.

Some porn stars are alleging abuse and violence on the set. At least those actors don’t ever have any issues in dealing with the people in the wardrobe department.

Some porn stars are alleging abuse and violence on the set. No one even knew that Mel Gibson had gotten involved in adult films.

Some porn stars are alleging abuse and violence on the set. To which Harvey Weinstein says those acts should only take place in hotel rooms where they belong.

A report says the government censored, withheld or said they couldn’t find records more times than ever in the past decade. And that was just information asked for by Robert Mueller.

A Nigerian Senator revealed his colleagues receive $37,000 a month for personal expenses. Which it turns out is mostly used for temporary loans to bail out relatives of several of their country’s princes.

Stormy Daniels says she has approached Donald Trump with a new proposition. Well, that puts the shoe on the other foot.

Stormy Daniels says she has approached Donald Trump with a new proposition to give back the $130,000 in hush money. Mostly so she can go after the really big money with a book deal and reality show.

Vladimir Putin says he gave the order to shoot down a passenger plane in 2014. That’s the last time an airline makes the decision to bump him from a flight.

Amazon is planning to offer their own credit card to U.S. small businesses. The sad part is that outside of Amazon, a customer would have a better chance getting credit with a library card.

 Amazon is planning to offer their own credit card to U.S. small businesses. It’s for customers who just don’t have a credit rating high enough to qualify for Discover.

The Baltimore Orioles are inviting kids to attend baseball games free with a paying adult. To which most kids are saying “Why would we want to do that?”

The Baltimore Orioles are inviting kids to attend baseball games free with a paying adult. To which most adults are saying that’s exactly what they want to do is pay for a ticket and spend the game watching a bunch of kids.

The Baltimore Orioles are inviting kids to attend baseball games free with a paying adult. All the kids have to do is latch on to one of the three adults who will actually pay money to watch the Orioles play.

Wyoming has been rated as the best state for the upper class with low property taxes and crime rates. Plus, anyone with $2 Million can just buy the entire state.

A study says women with large waistlines and hips are most at risk for heart attacks. Mostly from chasing around their husbands when they ask them if they have been gaining weight.

A study says poor sleep may increase the risk of developing Alzheimer’s Disease. Especially for the people who realize it’s 3:00 AM and they have forgotten they are supposed to be in bed.

A study says barbershops can play a role in lowering blood pressure. Especially the women whose blood pressure goes sky high from nagging their sons to get a haircut.

 A study says Daylight Saving Time can affect people’s health. Especially men who forget to set the clock forward and get caught sneaking into the bedroom at sunrise.

Kid Rock will be inducted into the WWE Hall of Fame celebrity wing. Who knew there would be a payoff from all those early morning brawls at the Waffle House?

Kid Rock will be inducted into the WWE Hall of Fame celebrity wing. Which is good because he thought he had a much better chance at being chosen if he had gone ahead with his run for the Senate.

CMT says it will revive the show “Wife Swap,” calling it “television’s greatest social experiment.” Which brought an argument from producers of “Celebrity Apprentice” which was a social experiment that ended up putting someone in the White House.

Tori Spelling and Jenny Garth will star in a new dramedy in which they will play exaggerated versions of themselves. In other words, it is pretty much a reality show.

A computer science professor at the University of Illinois claims to have devised a formula to predict basketball upsets at double the success rate of random picks. Apparently it is based on picking the team that is the underdog playing Illinois.

Dennis Rodman was given three years’ probation for a DUI. Apparently he’s getting in shape in case he is asked to the summit with Donald Trump and Kim Jong-un.

Tom Brady says his family will play a “big part” in his retirement decision. Which is a no brainer when it comes to getting to go to the Super Bowl or watch him sitting around the house in his boxers.

Richard Sherman and Sir Mix-A-Lot had a Twitter exchange about Sherman’s release. To which Sir Mix-A-Lot says about the 49ers “Baby Got a D-Back.”

The New York Giants released struggling punter Brad Wing. They felt they couldn’t deal with inconsistencies in the player who gets more game time than anyone else.

Tiger Woods gave NBC the highest ratings for a PGA golf tournament since 2013. In fact, it was the highest ratings for any show featuring Woods other than “Cops.”

Jeff Sessions is pushing for punishment for people who lie on gun background checks. Although some people are calling instead for prosecution of the people who use those guns to start shooting up schools.

Jeff Sessions is pushing for punishment for people who lie on gun background checks. Although some people are calling instead for prosecution of a President who lies pretty much about everything else.

The majority leader in the Iowa State Senate has resigned after being caught on video kissing a lobbyist. The weird part wasn’t that he was kissing a lobbyist, but that he was kissing them on the lips.

A poll says Americans continue to oppose the Mexican border wall. Especially during this time of the year when college students are wondering how they are going to get pas the wall to get to all the best spots for spring break.

House Republicans say their investigation shows no evidence of collusion between Donald Trump and Russia. And they are sure because they made sure to ask both Donald Trump and Vladimir Putin.

A California state senator says Donald Trump’s visit to the state is a “political stunt.” Which is no surprise coming from a President whose entire administration is one big political stunt.

A zoo in England has put all their mammals on birth control. No one had any idea that Kevin Federline had even moved to the UK.

The inventor of the world wide web, Tim Berners-Lee  says the Internet as we know it is under threat and faces “heaps” of problems. To which everyone with a computer is saying “Nice going. Why didn’t you take care of that when you invented it?”

A study says employees watch an average of six hours of March Madness at work. Which means they need to put in some overtime to be able to watch their regular five hours of porn while in the office.

Ohio State University is looking for participants in a study of the effects of video games on the brain. They can start with their students who are in their seventh year and still haven’t graduated.

A study reveals an increase in people shopping online while drunk. Which finally explains the sudden increase in profits for Amazon.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! I had a fun experience yesterday when besides my usual gig on TV I was invited to take part in a radio show run by my friend Josh Gaffin. I really had a good time talking about music with Josh (Punk and New Wave, our genres of choice) and throwing out a few jokes as well. Radio is such a great medium and it is sad to see it dropping in popularity with so many other choices for listeners. I wouldn’t mind getting back into it eventually as I think it needs a kick in the behind to get people back to listening. Hopefully some of my jokes help a bit as I know many of my readers are radio hosts who use my material on the air. I am also hopeful my jokes don’t chase too many of your listeners away. I started my broadcasting career in radio back in Durango, Colorado in 1980 at KDGO. I miss those days, I had a lot of fun even though it was only for a few months before I got an opportunity to get into TV where I have been ever since. I love talking directly to an audience, as it generates immediate feedback and is almost as rewarding as when all of you remember to always keep on sending the love!



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