Sunday, March 11, 2018

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers! From the most prolific joke writer on the planet...!


Data says 155 Million Americans are employed. Even better news is that it works out to nearly 500 Million jobs considering everyone needs to be working at least three gigs to make ends meet.

Robbers stole $5 Million in cash from a cargo jet in Brazil It was the biggest theft involving an airplane that didn’t involve airline fees.

The cost of the proposed California bullet train is now up to $77 Billion. Which in anti-gun California is right around the cost of buying real bullets.

Experts say the U.S. is missing out on the global tourist boom. Mostly because foreigners don’t exactly feel like coming to the U.S. and leaving with half their vacation pictures including someone from the TSA.

A report says the EPA testing goes through 20,000 animals a year including rodents, fish and rabbits. Any more and they will be in trouble for using the same business model as Taco Bell.

The U.S. says it will hold North Korea to its promises ahead of the leadership summit. Although it will be tough considering the U.S. hasn’t even held Donald Trump to his promises about the wall, healthcare and keeping jobs here.

Remains from a Pacific island have been identified as those of Amelia Earhart. The weird part is that they were found with the remains of seven others and the wreckage of a boat called the “Minnow.”

Rand Paul’s neighbor has pleaded guilty to an attack that broke six of the Senator’s ribs. His defense is that Paul just can’t take a ribbing.

Belgium has dropped a World Cup song by a rapper who uses sexist lyrics. Which in the U.S. we have a term for someone like that. It’s called being a “rapper.”

Florida has passed a bill prohibiting marriage to anyone under 17. Which is good in that it will keep young people from making such a serious commitment until they are ready to have their third child.

Florida has passed a bill prohibiting marriage to anyone under 17. Mostly as a way to prevent shotgun weddings in a state where anyone over 7 can still buy a shotgun.

A North Carolina police officer is being charged with tasing a jaywalker. Which is ironic as the jaywalker was the one who took the full charge.

Martin Shkreli, dubbed the “most hated man in America” has been sentenced to 7 years in prison. The other candidates for most hated in America are usually sentenced to two years in the House or six in the Senate.

A study says having a voodoo doll of the boss makes workers happier. To which most workers are saying “Already got one.”

North Dakota has been ranked the drunkest state in the U.S. Apparently not only are they a red state, they are now a Johnny Walker Red state.

North Dakota has been ranked the drunkest state in the U.S. At least that gives the people of Alabama something to work on.

North Dakota has been ranked the drunkest state in the U.S. Mostly because of the tradition of the people only drinking when it snows.

A study says binge drinking alters brain activity in young people. Which brings up the question, isn’t that pretty much the point?

Domino’s Pizza says they are confident in continued growth both home and abroad. Which goes without saying here as how can a pizza delivery company lose where more and more cities are legalizing pot?

Domino’s Pizza says they are confident in continued growth both home and abroad. Which is easy to track for a company that gets bigger along with the size of the average American waistline.

A report says 12% of Americans had a credit card denied last year. The other 88% didn’t try to pay for something using a Discover Card.

A report says 12% of Americans had a credit card denied last year. Which is what happens when you try to pay at McDonald’s using your Sears revolving credit card.

Cryptocurrency classes are showing up on college campuses. What better way to pay for a degree that won’t ever get you a real job with fake computer money?

The U.S. economy gained 313,000 jobs in February, the biggest gain since 1983. Mostly for all the openings in the Justice Department to investigate everyone in the West Wing.

The U.S. economy gained 313,000 jobs in February, the biggest gain since 1983. Which was the year all those openings were created for non-union air traffic controllers after Ronald Reagan fired all the members of PATCO.

A survey says half of Americans feel technology is a bigger threat to their job than immigration or offshoring. Especially the ones who get fired because their only tech skills are logging onto online porn at the office.

A survey says half of Americans feel technology is a bigger threat to their job than immigration or offshoring. Especially the ones who get fired for spending their entire day at work staring at their cellphone.

A report says threats and acts of violence against teachers often go unreported. Especially when they are coming from the fathers of the 15 year old girls the teacher happens to be hitting on.

A study says one third of Millennials are leaving social media. Mostly the ones who got kicked out of their parents’ basement and can’t use their Wi-Fi anymore.

A study says one third of Millennials are leaving social media. The other two thirds still find it is the best way to let their friends get in touch with them when they need a ride on Uber.

Mark Hamill gave advice to a 7 year old girl who was afraid to wear a “Star Wars” shirt to school because of being teased. Hamill encouraged her, saying “Try wearing one when you are 66 to Saturday night Bingo.”  

TNT has canceled “The Librarians” after four seasons. Mostly because anyone who actually knows what a librarian is never watches TV in the first place.

TNT has canceled “The Librarians” after four seasons. Mostly because their ratings had numbers too low to even show up on the Dewey Decimal System.

MLB scouts say Japanese sensation Shohei Ohtani can’t hit big league pitching. Which means he will be used only when his team is playing the Detroit Tigers.

MLB scouts say Japanese sensation Shohei Ohtani can’t hit big league pitching. That excuse has never stopped anyone from playing for the Mets.

Diamondback relief pitchers say they won’t use the team’s new bullpen cart. Mostly because like all other vehicles in Arizona, it only goes 3 mph with the left blinker always on.

The Cleveland Browns made several trades over the weekend. The good part for trades involving the Browns is that they can get players from other teams who never want anyone from the Browns in return.

The CDC says dentists are mysteriously dying from lung disease. Which has prompted them to tell patients to maybe try using some mouthwash before getting into the dentist’s chair next time.

Maria Sharapova has split with her long time coach. Apparently it had to do with several recent losses, her drug ban and the fact that sitting courtside at her matches has caused him to lose 75% of his hearing.

Mark Gastineau has asked Roger Goodell to help him and other former players with health issues. Which apparently was what Goodell heard right before he ran that 5.41 40 yard dash wearing a suit down a hallway.

LeBron James says about rumors he is going to the Lakers that it’s not his first Rodeo. Which could be a clue if he is talking about the time he expects to be spending soon on Rodeo Drive.

Dennis Rodman says he wants to go with Donald Trump to meet with Kim Jong-un, saying they are “the same people.” Meaning they both have bad haircuts, huge egos and would love to nuke each other.

Saudi Arabia is planning to build the world’s largest stadium. Which would be a nightmare for NFL owners having a facility that seats 130,000 and not being able to sell even one bottle of beer.

The Pentagon has provided details on Donald Trump’s military parade, saying “no tanks.” To which Trump is saying “Well, no tanks to you, too.”

The Pentagon has provided details on Donald Trump’s military parade, saying “no tanks.” Although it’s hard to show off your military might when the biggest concern is not being able to cover the cost of repairing a few potholes.

The search is on for a meeting place between Donald Trump and Kim Jong-un. So far the biggest problem is there are no Trump properties in the Korean DMZ.

Florida Governor Rick Scott has signed a school safety bill that is being challenged by the NRA. Apparently the gun lobby feels it’s a much better learning environment when kids have that little extra feeling of fear every day.

Florida Governor Rick Scott has signed a school safety bill that is being challenged by the NRA. What’s next, challenging little old ladies being walked across the street by Boy Scouts who aren’t fully armed?

Kathy Griffin is ready for a comeback in “Donald Trump’s backyard.” Meaning she must have finally gotten a job on the White House gardening crew.

Donald Trump’s lawyer says he paid off porn star Stormy Daniels with $130,000 from his home equity line of credit. It sounds like the Trump Administration is now less like “Celebrity Apprentice” and more like “Home Improvement.”

Donald Trump’s lawyer says he paid off porn star Stormy Daniels with $130,000 from his home equity line of credit. Which is ironic in that even with spending all that money from a home equity loan, they still can’t stop any of the leaks.

The Trump Organization says it has given $151,000 in hotel profits back to the government. It would have been more but Trump was able to deduct the $130,000 he spent trying to keep Stormy Daniels quiet.

The Trump Organization says it has given $151,000 in hotel profits back to the government. Which is exactly the same amount he spent for hotel rooms he was using with Stormy Daniels.

Stormy Daniels’ lawyer says Americans need to know details because “cover-ups matter.” And so she can get some higher bids on selling her story.

Stormy Daniels’ lawyer says Americans need to know details because “cover-ups matter.” Which of course, cover-ups being completely new territory for someone in the adult film industry.

Some companies are giving workers early access to their money, with 50% of their pay available each day. The sad part is for most Americans, that pay can come right out of petty cash.

Florida has passed year round Daylight Saving Time. Mostly because Floridians are tired of having to keep using a flashlight whenever they want to fire their AK-47s.

Florida has passed year round Daylight Saving Time. Or if they want sunlight to keep shining later in the day they could always just move farther west to Mississippi.

Flippy the robotic burger flipper lasted just one day at a California restaurant. Which shows that it really was just like most human fast food workers.

Flippy the robotic burger flipper lasted just one day at a California restaurant. Apparently its name came from being fed up and flipping off the boss.

A mission to Mars will try to discover how a once lush planet is now completely barren. Mostly to try to keep Californians from worrying one day their state could end up looking like Utah.

Scientists say the superdense corpse of a once-massive star roared back to life by feasting on its dying companion. Which means now the Zombie Apocalypse has even moved into outer space.

The power grid in Europe is causing clocks to slow down by six minutes every two months. Which just makes it more convenient instead of having to turn them back an hour every autumn.

The power grid in Europe is causing clocks to slow down by six minutes every two months. As opposed to the Middle East where they have been slowed down to somewhere back in the 15th Century.

A study says baby talk is the best way to communicate with a dog. Although a sharp “Bad dog! is still suggested when trying to keep your pit bull from gnawing off your arm at the shoulder.

A study says baby talk is the best way to communicate with a dog. And ironically, barking is still considered the most effective way to try to talk to your kids.

A study says later start times at school would benefit kids. Which most kids agree with, saying they should not have to start going to school until they are at least 14.

A study says later start times at school would benefit kids. Although that would be rough on the teachers in the first three classes of the day who would have to come up with a lesson plan other than just letting everyone sleep.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! I cranked out a lot of jokes today. Can’t say they are all winners but that pretty much could be said on any day. For all of the jokes. Maybe it’s losing the hour of sleep that gave me the extra time. But, if out of 68 jokes if you can find two or three that make you chuckle I have done my job. Not very well, but I have done it. I appreciate you all checking out the blog every day. Feel free to tell your friends and relatives and anyone else you don’t mind subjecting to humorless and offensive material. That’s what I do here. And you only encourage me to keep it up when you all remember to always keep on sending the love!



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