Thursday, March 01, 2018

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers! From the most prolific joke writer on the planet...!


Oprah says she will run for President in 2020 if God tells her. To which Donald Trump is saying “I’m thinking about it.”

New Orleans is secretly testing predictive policing technology. Which means they tell people if they stand on a street corner long enough, they are going to get shot.

Apple is on track to become the first $1 Trillion company, by the end of May. In order to do that by then they need to sell three more iPads and four iPhones.

A report says gasoline prices are headed back towards $3 a gallon. Which fortunately the oil companies prepared us for back in 2008 when they jacked the price up to $4 a gallon.

A report says gasoline prices are headed back towards $3 a gallon. Apparently the oil company executives are upset about having to go the past five years without buying a new vacation home in the Hamptons.

A report says a $1 Billion oil painting is only a matter of time. Although that won’t give the buyer much wiggle room to decorate all the other walls in their house.

A report says a $1 Billion oil painting is only a matter of time. Which will more than likely be the amount paid by Donald Trump for a portrait of himself.

Women are reporting more rudeness at work, mostly from other women. Which shows at least we are finally making some progress on equality in the workplace.

Hope Hicks admitted during questioning that sometimes she lies for Donald Trump. Mostly just when he can’t access his phone to get on Twitter and do it himself.

A report says sexual predators are posing as Uber and Lyft drivers. Which gives a bad name to real Uber and Lyft drivers who just take part in beatings and robbery.

Dick’s sporting goods says they will stop selling assault rifles. Fortunately, violent people still have access to taking care of their needs in the hockey department.

A study says schools are safer now than they were in the 1990s. We must have forgotten about all the kids killed back then from talking in class and chewing gum.

A study says schools are safer now than they were in the 1990s. Mostly because back then there were actually kids who showed up in class once in awhile.

A study says the human brain is still active five minutes after the heart stops beating. There are even more extreme cases, like how Dick Cheney kept going for another eight years.

A report says people living in Sweden may lose access to paper money. To which people in the U.S. are saying “You get used to it.”

A teacher in Georgia fired a gun in class but no one was injured. To which Donald Trump says “OK, maybe only some teachers should be armed at school.”

A Florida science teacher reportedly sent nude pictures and had sex with a teenage boy student. Which means she could be disciplined for being a little too personally involved in that chapter on anatomy.

A milkman is being accused of smuggling drugs and cellphones into an Ohio prison. His is the mug shot where it’s obvious he is saying “Cheese!”

A milkman is being accused of smuggling drugs and cellphones into an Ohio prison. The worst part is he is now afraid that while he is in jail his cellmates could make him homo-genized.

A milkman is being accused of smuggling drugs and cellphones into an Ohio prison. People were surprised at the news. There are still people working as milkmen?

A HUD official says they were demoted after raising concerns about a $31,000 dining table for Ben Carson’s office. Apparently the “Urban Development” part of the department’s name refers to Carson’s workplace decoration.

A study says 1 in 14 women still smoke when they are pregnant. To which they are saying it was hard enough to give up the booze, opioids and pot.

42% of non-smokers say they should get an extra 3-5 days vacation to make up for break time taken by smokers. What’s next, skinny people wanting more days off to make up for all the time fat people spend snacking?

Kansas City saw the largest home price appreciation in 2017. Mostly because of the increased demand for lower prices that made it the closest place affordable for people commuting to Silicon Valley.

A majority of parents saving for their kids’ college have socked away less than $10,000. Which will at least make it nice for their children to see what it is like to go away to college for three weeks.

Gun control activists are calling for a boycott of Apple and Amazon over an NRA TV channel. The worst part is that it is sponsored by Target.

Gun control activists are calling for a boycott of Apple and Amazon over an NRA TV channel. Although it does boast some very high-caliber programming.

Gun control activists are calling for a boycott of Apple and Amazon over an NRA TV channel. The network is scheduled to be shown on cable channels 22, 45 and 357.

Twitter has rolled out a private bookmark feature to categorize personal tweets. Which is good for Donald Trump who can separate his tweets of insults, fake news and trying to start World War III.

Wal-Mart is trying to attract new customers who are wealthier and are more tech savvy than current shoppers. Meaning they have more than $5 in their wallet and know where the computer’s “on” switch is located.

Wal-Mart is trying to attract new customers who are wealthier and like shopping online. Mostly so they can save money and never have to be seen inside a Wal-Mart.

An expert says the best performers in the office do less than others. Especially at Wells Fargo where the less the employees do, the fewer customers get swindled.

An expert says the best performers in the office do less than others. Meaning the best employees are the ones smart enough to get everyone else to do all their work.

A study says “apple-shaped” women with large bellies are more at risk for heart attacks. Which is ironic in that those are the women who are less likely to have ever actually eaten an apple.

Doctors are warning about possible harm from saline in IV bags. To which most hospital patients agree, asking why they just can’t fill them instead with morphine.

Doctors are warning about possible harm from saline in IV bags. Most women agree, saying if they wanted saline in their bodies, they would have gotten breast implants.

Doctors are warning about possible harm from saline in IV bags. Can’t people even be given intravenous fluids without worrying about how much salt they are getting?

A study says cellphone use during meals results in decreased enjoyment. Especially for people who realize their date is swiping right on the person at the next table.

Alabama could make it illegal to smoke in a car with a child under 19. Which means it’s still OK to chew, just try not to get any of the spit onto the kids in the back seat.

Katie Couric slams her time at Yahoo, saying the $10 Million a year gig “wasn’t fulfilling.” Although she didn’t bother saying which of her personal needs weren’t met when she also left her jobs at NBC, CBS and NBC.

Katie Couric slams her time at Yahoo, saying the $10 Million a year gig “wasn’t fulfilling.” To which Yahoo says they were full of filling her pockets with money in exchange for reading news to their three viewers.

Katie Couric slams her time at Yahoo, saying the $10 Million a year gig “wasn’t fulfilling.” Which means all that is left for her professionally is getting her own YouTube channel in between a dancing hamster and Grumpy Cat.

Barbra Streisand says she cloned her dog. She was so happy with the results that she then took her husband James Brolin and cloned Christian Bale.

Lewis Gilbert, who directed three James Bond movies has died at age 97. Ironically, he was so old his membership number in the Directors Guild was 007.

The Boston Red Sox have petitioned to change the name of Yawkey Way, which was named after a controversial former owner. Which is no big deal since most Bostonians think Yawkey Way is named after a Yorkshire terrier.

Duke’s Mike Krzyzewski and Kentucky’s John Calipari are the highest paid college coaches, both making more than $7 Million a year. Even Jeff Bezos has to salute anyone making that much money while paying a lower wage than Amazon.

The U.S. gold medal winning cross country skiers hung out with the cast of Hamilton. Which was ironic that both groups make a living on the Great White Way.

A sportsbook has rated the Raiders favorites on the coin toss over the 49ers for a selection in the NFL Draft. Which may have something to do with the Raiders using their commemorative Al Davis two-headed coin.

A sportsbook has rated the Raiders favorites on the coin toss over the 49ers for a selection in the NFL Draft. How much more of a loser can the 49ers be than being declared the underdogs on a 50-50 wager?

Pizza Hut has replaced Papa John’s as the NFL’s official pizza. Apparently they were able to come up with just a little more dough.

Pizza Hut has replaced Papa John’s as the NFL’s official pizza. Which will no doubt motivate the workers there to be in on sponsoring the million dollar athletes while slinging pizzas for $7.50 an hour.

NBA Commissioner Adam Silver is cautioning teams to protect the integrity of the game. This coming from someone who has done absolutely nothing to spare the league from LaVar Ball.

An oversight committee is asking Ben Carson to explain the purchase of a $31,000 dining table for his office at HUD. Apparently his excuse is that he wanted to save some money by dining in more.

Hope Hicks is resigning from the White House, the fourth Communications Director to leave in a year. Mostly because of the stress of the communications department going into crisis mode every time Donald Trump sends out another tweet.

Hope Hick testified to Congress that she told “white lies” for Donald Trump. Those are the lies where he says how much he loves the blacks, Hispanics and Asians.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! It is March 1st. That is the start of Meteorological Spring, which is just a way of getting out of winter three weeks early. I am ready for some warmer weather and the return of baseball, tennis and the PGA Tour. I am ready to bring out the shorts and put away the sweats. I am ready to sit inside and watch TV and complain how hot it is outside. Because that is exactly what will happen. But as much as I can complain about things, I will never express disappointment when all of you remember to always keep on sending the love!



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