Friday, February 09, 2018

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers! From the most prolific joke writer on the planet...!

Twitter reported its first quarterly profit ever. Who knew that trying to start World War III with his tweets would also be so good for business?

Twitter reported its first quarterly profit ever. Apparently it was a huge boon for users to go from 140 to 280 characters so they could use just one tweet to rant at everyone else.

A family is suing Starbucks after receiving drinks that contained blood. Apparently the barista misheard the order for an espresso to be asking for type O.

A family is suing Starbucks after receiving drinks that contained blood. The mistake happened because that is usually the way Starbucks accepts payment.

A report says U.S. body brokers supply the world with torsos, limbs and heads. Which the Patriots are contacting for a new pair of hands for when they send Tom Brady out on another pass route.

A study says drugs, alcohol and suicide have contributed to an alarming drop in the U.S. life expectancy. Which at least is different from the usual drop in U.S. life expectancy from obesity, heart disease and diabetes.

A study says drugs, alcohol and suicide have contributed to an alarming drop in the U.S. life expectancy. Which is sad news for all the people who were hoping they would be able to make it to their retirement age of 93.

Jim Cramer is blaming a “complete group of morons” for the drop in the Dow. Which doesn’t include his viewers who after taking his advice don’t have enough money in the market to sell off in the first place.

Senator Rand Paul says if Donald Trump wants a military parade, he should do it by bringing home all of our troops. Or he could have just had a Sherman tank following up behind the Eagles Super Bowl victory parade.

A teenager says Spirit Airlines wouldn’t let her on a flight unless she flushed her emotional support hamster down a toilet. She complied, which means the hamster wasn’t really doing its job in the first place.

A survey says 40% of people mistook an apple for a mango. Mostly because as fruit, they are two items those people have never actually ever eaten.

The New York Times is reportedly making 60% of its revenue from online subscriptions. The other 40% comes from recycling newsprint.

A Massachusetts couple says they have been mysteriously receiving dozens of packages from Amazon. While their neighbors are coincidentally telling police that their Amazon packages are mysteriously disappearing from their porches.

Chilly temperatures are expected for the opening ceremonies of the Winter Olympics. Which is to be expected, otherwise they wouldn’t have scheduled them during the winter.

A wind gust that hit Donald Trump while he boarded Air Force One exposed a large bald spot on the back of his head. It was so bad, he is considering switching over to the Whig Party.

A wind gust that hit Donald Trump while he boarded Air Force One exposed a large bald spot on the back of his head. Which turns out is the only part of his body that doesn’t have an orange tint.

A lobbyist is offering a $25,000 reward for evidence of FBI wrongdoing. Congress is upset at the gesture, saying that money was supposed to go into their pockets.

The Utah House is investigating a lawmaker over charges he used prostitutes using taxpayers’ money. It’s bad enough they were doing the same thing paying his salary.

The Utah House is investigating a lawmaker over charges he used prostitutes using taxpayers’ money. Even worse for him is when he will have to answer for what he did to all five of his wives.

A “cartoonish” police sketch was used to nab a suspect in a theft in Pennsylvania. Police were able to catch him by hitting him on the head with a mallet after slipping on a banana peel.

Norway’s Olympic Team mistakenly ordered 15,000 eggs which comes out to 124 for each team member. Apparently the distributor got the order mixed up with the one that was supposed to be delivered to Justin Bieber.

Norway’s Olympic Team mistakenly ordered 15,000 eggs which comes out to 124 for each team member. Fortunately they were able to just send the extra eggs to all the “s--thole” countries there that can’t afford decent food.

White Nationalists are planning an event at the University of Tennessee. Which are otherwise known there as the regular class schedule.

The Mayor of Washington, D.C. says Donald Trump can have a military parade there as long as he pays for it. Although Trump has already figured he can have it covered under the defense budget by declaring war on Maryland.

A court has ruled that GrubHub drivers are considered contractors and not employees. Which is good for the workers as it sounds a lot better to be a contractor than GrubHub driver.

A report says most U.S. workers are unafraid of losing their jobs to robots. Mostly because most U.S. workers are doing jobs the robots are too overqualified to take.

CVS says it will raise workers’ wages and offer four weeks of paid parental leave. Which is ironic as the pay raise will finally give employees the cash they need to afford to pay for birth control.

A study says snow is safe to eat up to two days after it has fallen. Although because of global warming, most of the world is saying “What’s snow?”

A study says snow is safe to eat up to two days after it has fallen. In fact, it is fine after that as long as it doesn’t melt and get into the water supply of Flint, Michigan.

A poll says moral concerns shouldn’t prevent health care. Which is ironic as if there were any moral concerns, Republicans wouldn’t be trying their best to eliminate Obamacare in the first place.

A study says germs can travel thousands of miles and fall from the sky from other continents. Which brings up the question just how hard are those people sneezing?

A study says germs can travel thousands of miles and fall from the sky from other continents. Which you already knew after sitting next to the person on the plane who coughed and sneezed their way through the entire transatlantic flight.

A study says germs can travel thousands of miles and fall from the sky from other continents. Especially the ones that made it all the way to the U.S. from Germ-any.

An ex-pharmaceutical worker is going to prison for a scheme to make $1 Million by filling unnecessary prescriptions. Otherwise known as the pharmaceutical industry’s business model.

The Family of the guitarist of 3 Doors Down is suing a doctor of feeding his opioid habit. Now instead of 3 Doors Down it’s more like 6 Feet Under.

A report says drowsy driving is a factor in 10% of all crashes. Mostly people who are too fatigued to get out of the way of the other 90% of drivers who are awake but drunk or texting.

A North Carolina couple says they have made thousands of dollars on website bets they will lose weight. But mostly from saving all that money from not having to pay for all the food making them fat in the first place.

Kim Kardashian has sparked outrage with topless photos taken of her by her 4 year old daughter. Others are just happy to see she is following in her mom’s footsteps.

Kim Kardashian has sparked outrage with topless photos taken of her by her 4 year old daughter. Which was only inevitable for a child whose first word was “selfie.”

Oprah has confirmed she isn’t running for President. Mostly because it would be tough to take the demotion to President from being Queen.

Patriots tight end Rob Gronkowski says he is considering an acting career. As opposed to being a star NFL player which entitles him to currently go around acting like a 15 year old.

An Oregon golf course is offering goat caddies. Which can come in handy when you need something that can give a quick trim to the grass around your ball when you are always hitting it into the rough.

A man was stabbed at the Eagles Super Bowl victory parade. People were surprised. What was Ray Lewis doing in a parade in Philadelphia?

Florida House Republican Matt Gaetz says Donald Trump calls him regularly because he always defends him on TV. No one even knew he was one of the crew on “Fox & Friends.”

Mike Pence, declined to answer why he seems to be out of the loop on major news about Donald Trump. Mostly because everyone is out of the loop on news about Trump until they read his morning tweets.

The Dow has now lost 40% of what was added during the Trump presidency. Which is exactly the same amount of loss experienced by the staff in the West Wing.

The White House admits it “could have done better” with allegations against Trump staffer Rob Porter. Like maybe taking the time to actually check out his rap sheet.

The Dow plunged 1,000 points on Thursday, which means it is now in a “correction.” Which means when people say they were planning on retiring this year, they are told “Correction!”

Mitch McConnell says he would like to see America right of center. Center being somewhere between Rush Limbaugh and Ted Cruz.

A report says the Sun is expected to become unusually cool by 2050. Which will be good news for all the camels, cheetahs and kangaroos that will have moved to the North Pole by then.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! It has been a long and not so pleasant week for me for personal reasons which I will keep to myself other than telling you that it has not been a good week. It’s just nice to know I have all of you, my readers to stay with me and check out the jokes on a daily basis. At least it is Friday, so things can’t be all that bad. Which is usually right about the time I say that when things really go downhill. This is a form of therapy for me so it is always good to plunk out some jokes when I am not feeling at my best. It always brings me a smile when all of you remember to always keep on sending the love!


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