Thursday, February 08, 2018

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers! From the most prolific joke writer on the planet...!

The DHS says it deported one immigrant 44 times in 15 years. Which just allowed the person to keep traveling back and forth buying only one-way tickets.

The DHS says it deported one immigrant 44 times in 15 years. Another eight or ten times and that person will no doubt finally learn their lesson.

A woman was found holding her eyeball in her hand outside a South Carolina church. Apparently she misunderstood when the minister said “Can I get a witness?”

Macy’s will launch a clothing line geared towards Muslim women. If there are any complaints the store will say they meant they are offering clothes made of muslin.

A report says suicides rose 10% after Robin Williams’ death. Which is about the same percentage who take their lives after spending money to see Dane Cook.

An increase in copycat suicides was reported after Robin Williams’ death. Even in death some comedians can’t stop people from stealing their material.

A report says movie studios are racing to add “morality clauses” to contracts. The day that happens is the day there will be no more films coming out of Hollywood.

A computer virus disrupted or slowed systems in the city of Dallas for a second straight day. People were surprised. When did Dallas start using computers?

The number of people with vomiting illness symptoms is growing at the Winter Olympics. To which Bob Costas is saying “A little pink eye doesn’t seem so bad now, does it?”

Former Pope Benedict XVI says he is in the last phase of his life. Which is usually what is said about someone the day they become Pope.

Former Pope Benedict XVI says he is in the last phase of life. Although he says he still has a long way to go to catch up to the Super Bowl, which is all the way up to LII.

Donald Trump’s right hand man Rob Porter has resigned after allegations of spousal abuse. Apparently he is moving on to a job more suited to someone with his abilities. Hollywood producer.

A chemical found in McDonald’s French fries promotes hair growth in mice. Which McDonald’s is bragging that customers will never see bald mice in their kitchens.

A chemical found in McDonald’s French fries promotes hair growth in mice. The question being why is there anything in their French fries other than potatoes and oil?

A poll shows Venezuelans have lost faith in their voting system. Which brings up the question why do Venezuelans still have faith in anything?

A poll shows Venezuelans have lost faith in their voting system. To which Americans are saying if they think it’s bad there, they should see what happens every election in Florida.

A study says herpes infection rates are down. Which can mean only one thing. Paris Hilton is off the dating market.

The FBI is alarmed at a surge in coca production in Colombia. Although why would anyone be surprised people are growing coca for millions of dollars instead of corn, rice and bananas for 37 cents a day?

The FBI is alarmed at a surge in coca production in Colombia. Mostly because if they wanted to make the big money they would be growing coffee beans for Starbucks.

A proposed federal rule change would allow restaurants to pocket workers’ tips. Mostly because the Trump Administration figures employees won’t need the extra money since the new tax law will push their salary up to minimum wage.

Several groups are showing interest in building an express train from downtown Chicago to O’Hare. Which will be good news for travelers who can get to the airport in plenty of time to wait eight hours for their flight to take off after all the delays.

Weight Watchers is offering free memberships to teens. The way things are going, they will soon be posting sign-up sheets on the walls at hospital maternity wards.

A Girl Scout in California reportedly sold $300 worth of cookies outside a pot shop. Her motto is “If you bring the cookies, the stoners will come.”

A Girl Scout in California reportedly sold $300 worth of cookies outside a pot shop. Although these days it wouldn’t be too hard to sell $300 outside a cookie shop.

A poll says Wyoming, North Dakota and Utah lead the U.S. in economic confidence. The bad part is those are also the top three states where nobody wants to live.

A study says pessimism about old age may be a risk factor for dementia. Mostly the people who don’t want to remember how much better life was when they were younger.

“Ganja yoga” where people get high before class offers a mix of marijuana and mindfulness. Although the biggest benefit is breath control for people who want to wait as long as possible before exhaling each bong hit.

A study says heart medications may not be to blame for impotence. Especially for men who can convince their cardiologist the only prescription they need is Viagra.

A study says standing six hours burns an extra 54 calories. Mostly because in that position it’s impossible to hold a bowl of chips on your lap.

Lawmakers are telling Tide their pods must be changed to look less delicious. And what could be more tempting to eat than something that looks like a large marble or a small beach ball?

A study says over-the-counter painkillers could alter emotions and reasoning. If that’s the case, why should anyone waste spending all that money on opioids?

Scotland is tackling its alcohol problem by outlawing cheap booze. Have you ever been to Scotland? Isn’t it a little late for that?

Scotland is tackling its alcohol problem by outlawing cheap booze. Which is a move that is enough to drive a Scotsman to drink.

Scotland is tackling its alcohol problem by outlawing cheap booze. Which pretty much just killed off any day trips there by travelers from Ireland.

Ozzy Osbourne says his biggest fear is being found dead in a hotel room. Which fortunately for him has only happened six times so far.

Ozzy Osbourne says his biggest fear is being found dead in a hotel room. The good news is that his body is so full of drugs no one would be able to tell for three days.

Quincy Jones says he once dated Ivanka Trump when he was 72 and she was 24. To which Donald Trump says if he had known she was into older men, he would have asked her out years ago.

Willie Nelson has canceled his February tour dates because of the flu. Wouldn’t you know that is the one illness that can’t be treated with medical marijuana?

Willie Nelson has canceled his February tour dates because of the flu. Apparently a severe reaction is possible when mixing Tamiflu with weed.

An NBA game between the Pacers and Pelicans was delayed because of a leak from a rainstorm. It was the first time a leak at a sporting event was blamed on something other than Tom Brady.

Derek Jeter says the Miami Marlins are starting out in a “deeper hole” than Miami’s expansion soccer team. What’s worse is that at this point the soccer team would probably beat the Marlins in a 9 inning game.

Gisele Bundchen blasted critics for “twisting” her words. How bad is it when even a supermodel talking about a football game is complaining about fake news?

The Apple Watch heart rate sensor can reportedly detect diabetes. Mostly just a guess when the wearer gets up off the couch to walk to the kitchen and their heart rate soars to 154 beats a minute.

Chris Christie says the GOP memo doesn’t clear Donald Trump. Which is his way of saying “You should have given me a position on the Cabinet!”

Nancy Pelosi set a House record by giving an eight-hour speech. How impressive is that to be able to out talk every person who has walked through the halls of Congress since 1789?

Nancy Pelosi set a House record by giving an eight-hour speech. People were surprised. There are members of Congress who work an eight hour day?

Senator Angus King helped Maine net a lobster emoji. At least the people of Maine can’t complain that their congressional representatives aren’t doing anything productive.

Senator Angus King helped Maine net a lobster emoji. Which means the people of Maine will not sit down in front of a computer without putting on a bib.

A poll says most Americans think Russia will interfere in the 2018 elections. Mostly so they can brag they have gone two for two.

A poll says the number of conservative leaning states has dropped from 44 to 39. Mostly the poorer states who don’t have any millionaires who raked in the big money from the GOP tax plan.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Is it baseball season yet? We finally got rid of football and I am ready for some warmer weather, longer days and getting to root for the Dodgers who have so much better of a chance to win than my Raiders. Cold weather gets me down. It’s bad for everyone because it just gives me more time to be inside cranking out bad jokes. I feel better when it’s warm outside, but I feel warm inside when you all remember to always keep on sending the love!



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