Wednesday, February 07, 2018

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers! From the most prolific joke writer on the planet...!

Billionaire investor Carl Icahn says the stock market will one day “implode.” To which most people are saying so will the Sun, but could he be a little more specific?

Donald Trump says he “would love to see a government shutdown” over immigration. Since we just got through one, apparently he thinks a shutdown every couple of weeks is a good idea whether we need one or not.

Donald Trump says he “would love to see a government shutdown” over immigration. The catch is figuring out how to build the border wall by Thursday.

The National Weather Service accidentally sent out a false Tsunami Warning earlier this week to parts of the East Coast. At least we now know whatever happened to the Hawaiian warning message sender.

A study says meditation doesn’t make people calm and leaves them just as aggressive. Although when is the last time you heard of a brawl breaking out in a Buddhist Temple?

A study says if humanity is to keep up a “good life,” people will need to make $1.90 a day, have a life span of 65 years and enjoy moderate life satisfaction. Which is great news for anyone who has a job working at Amazon.

A Houston couple says their prefab vacation home was stolen off its lot. It would have been even easier in Alabama where most homes come with their own wheels.

A Houston couple says their prefab vacation home was stolen off its lot. As for now, they will have to live in their primary residence, a 1978 Chevy Impala.

An Amtrak train heading to Boston started to break up at 125 mph. People were shocked at the news. An Amtrak train was able to go faster than 37 mph?

Ivanka Trump will lead the presidential delegation for the Winter Olympics closing ceremony. Mostly because she and her husband Jared have been so good at helping the entire administration go downhill.

Ivanka Trump will lead the presidential delegation for the Winter Olympics closing ceremonies. The reason being Donald Trump says if he can’t shut down the government here, he is instead promising to close the Olympics.

A device that gives the brain electric shocks can reportedly improve the memory by 15%. Mostly the people who are trying to remember what they did that caused them to get zapped.

A report says L.A. has the world’s worst traffic, with people stuck on roadways an average of 102 hours a year. Mostly the people who have nowhere to go since they can’t afford to buy or rent any place to live.

A report says L.A. has the world’s worst traffic, with people stuck on roadways an average of 102 hours a year. And that’s just the women who are trying to drive to the place where they can file a complaint against Harvey Weinstein.

Two postal workers in Oklahoma pleaded guilty to stealing packages filled with pot. And you thought your mail service was slow before.

A report says Bay Area college professors are living in their cars while working part time at other jobs. Mostly just to show their students what their future is like while they pay off their tuition loans.

Patriots tight end Rob Gronkowski’s house was robbed during the Super Bowl. The sad part is the theft wasn’t his biggest loss of the day.

Patriots tight end Rob Gronkowski’s house was robbed during the Super Bowl. He reported several safes and guns were missing. Which ironically, most people buy safes and guns to prevent anyone from robbing their house.

Patriots tight end Rob Gronkowski’s house was robbed during the Super Bowl. Items were reportedly taken from Gronkowski and his two roommates. Roommates? What, is he still living in a college dorm?

A New york high school canceled a production of “The Hunchback of Notre Dame” because the role of Esmeralda went to a white student. Not only that, but the kid playing the hunchback had a perfectly straight spine.

A study says noise from car horns, planes and sirens are bad for the heart. Mostly because it reminds people what it sounds like just before they are dragged off their United Airlines flight.

Citing potential dangers, a judge has ordered the jury in the trial of drug kingpin El Chapo to be anonymous. Also because it is embarrassing for the jurors to admit they weren’t able to get out of jury duty.

A lawsuit claims Alabama’s driver’s license policy discriminates against transgender people. Which is groundbreaking in that Alabama is usually only prejudiced against blacks, Hispanics and Asians.

A lawsuit claims Alabama’s driver’s license policy discriminates against transgender people. Which most Alabamans say they don’t mind minorities driving, they just want to make sure none of them can vote.

Starbucks has launched their own rewards credit card. Which means after paying for three large mocha lattes, the average customer has enough points to trade in for a Caribbean vacation.

A report says since #MeToo, the number of men uncomfortable mentoring women. Mostly just the ones who like to do their mentoring one on one in a hotel room.

Dunkin’ Donuts is aiming to boost afternoon sales. Which should be easy enough by just taking donuts left over from the morning rush, putting hamburger patties in between them an calling it “lunch.”

The U.S. trade gap has widened to a nine year high, despite efforts by Donald Trump to cut it back. The problem is the only items that can make it into this country without being hit with tariffs are Kim Jong-un’s nuclear missiles.

Donald Trump has nominated a Beverly Hills tax attorney to be IRS Commissioner. The only problem is that having a Beverly Hills tax lawyer in charge will mean he will think it’s only natural when the IRS tax collections come out to zero.

Doritos claims it is not making a line of chips for women. The word was already out that they were developing a new brand called “Chick Chips.”

A report says asthma attacks have declined in U.S. kids. Mostly because it’s much easier to breathe effortlessly when never moving off the couch all afternoon.

A Michigan mother of 13 boys is expecting another child. The good news is that if it’s another boy, the hand-me-downs from his brothers going back 25 years will all be coming back in style.

A Michigan mother of 13 boys is expecting another child. If it is their first daughter, the problem for her will be with 13 brothers watching out for her she won’t be asked out on a date before she is 30.

An avid hunter in Texas had nine fingers amputated because of the flu. Which is fine with him as all hunters ever need is one good finger they can use to pull the trigger.

A study says loud noises are linked with heart disease. Which is a relief for Baby Boomers who no longer have to live with the fears they grew up with that rock music would make them go deaf.

A study says social interaction is linked to longevity. At least until your wife gets into your Facebook account and sees whom you have been messaging.

The CDC says rapid flu tests are only 50-70% accurate. Combine that with a flu vaccine that is only 10% effective and you are pretty much going to get sick.

Chelsea Handler says her goal is to voluntarily sleep with a Republican in 2018. No one had any idea even Chelsea Handler had that low of an opinion of conservatives.

Chelsea Handler says her goal is to voluntarily sleep with a Republican in 2018. Apparently that comes from reading that if you sleep with the right one, it could net you $130,000.

Harvey Weinstein says he may take legal action after claims against him by Uma Thurman, saying he may have just “misread her signals.” The problem is that he seems to be colorblind and to him, signals always appear to be green.

The Miami Marlins have unveiled their 25th anniversary logo. The caption will say “Hey, 2 good years out of 25 ain’t bad!”

The Miami Marlins have fired the man who plays mascot Billy the Marlin. Apparently it was part of the new team policy of catch and release.

The Miami Marlins have fired the man who plays mascot Billy the Marlin. In a related story, the person who plays Tampa Bay’s Raymond Ray is concerned that it could now be open season on all marine wildlife.

The Miami Marlins have fired the man who plays mascot Billy the Marlin. The sad news is, he had finally gotten back up to speed after surviving the BP Gulf Oil Spill.

The Miami Marlins have fired the man who plays mascot Billy the Marlin. Apparently new owner Derek Jeter figures he can get someone to play the part much cheaper with 73 free agents who are still unsigned.

The Giants will retire Barry Bonds’ number 25 this year. Ironically, the 25 on his jersey also turns out to be the exact same number as his hat size.

The Giants will retire Barry Bonds’ number 25 this year. Coincidentally, 25 is also the same number of career home runs he would have hit had he never used steroids.

Philadelphia’s Mayor says he hopes the “knucklehead contingent” will avoid Thursday’s parade for the Eagles. Which is a tall order for a city with fans who pelted Santa Claus with snowballs.

Philadelphia’s Mayor says he hopes the “knucklehead contingent” will avoid Thursday’s parade for the Eagles. Apparently that is the group that was cut from the scene in “The Wizard of Oz” with the Lollipop Guild and Lullaby League.

Four European Tour golfers broke a world’s record by playing a par 5 hole in 32 seconds. That left them 5 hours, 59 minutes and 28 seconds to finish the other 17.

Four European Tour golfers broke a world’s record by playing a par 5 hole in 32 seconds. Which is still 12 seconds faster than it takes Ben Crane to mark his ball.

Pornhub says it will delete “deepfake” videos where different faces can be edited onto porn actors. Which may not be necessary considering that in porn videos, is there anyone actually looking at the faces?

Pornhub says it will delete “deepfake” videos where different faces can be edited onto porn actors. Mostly because there’s no need to use fake celebrity faces since everyone who’s anyone in Hollywood already has put out their own sex tape.

A study says an ancient virus may be responsible for people’s ability to think. Which if nothing else proves the people in Alabama have exceptional immune systems.

A study says an ancient virus may be responsible for people’s ability to think. That hasn’t changed as nothing makes men think faster than when they need an excuse to explain to their wife how they got that STD.

Donald Trump has asked the Pentagon to plan a large military parade like one done recently in France. The only difference is that military parades in France feature their soldiers marching in the other direction.

A report says Nashville’s mayor traveled routinely without security before she started having an affair with the head of her security detail. The worst part is that one of her solo trips involved hiking along the Appalachian Trail.

A California judge has ruled that cakes are works of art and are protected by the First Amendment. Although he did specify that the only ones that are considered works of art are marble cakes.

A California judge has ruled that cakes are works of art and are protected by the First Amendment. If that’s the case, why are there no museums dedicated to Betty Crocker?

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Thanks for checking out the blog. Feel free to tell your friends about it to get the word out. They will be happy there is finally an alternative at work to spend all day looking at online besides Facebook and porn. It’s my own way of giving back to the people. Along with my court ordered public service. It gives me a feeling of satisfaction. Almost, but not quite as when it is topped off by all of you remembering to always keep on sending the love!



No comments: