Tuesday, February 06, 2018

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers! from the most prolific joke writer on the planet...!

The Dow plunged 1,175 points on Monday, wiping out all the gains made so far this year. To which Donald Trump is saying “All my hard work wiped out in one day by Barack Obama.”

The Dow plunged 1,175 points on Monday, wiping out all the gains made so far this year. Can’t Tom Brady play one big game where something doesn’t end up deflated?

A report says banks have closed 1,700 branches in the past year, the fastest pace on record. Mostly because they don’t feel they need to have an entire building dedicated to holding accounts with a $5 balance.

A report says banks have closed 1,700 branches in the past year, the fastest pace on record. Especially Wells Fargo where they realize there is no need for a real building when all their accounts are fake.

Donald Trump, Jr. called the Russia investigation “McCarthyism.” Although his dad still thinks McCarthyism is when Sean Spicer was made fun of on “Saturday Night Live” by Melissa McCarthy.

A report says more people are considering not having children because of climate change. Mostly because single Millennials are already sweating enough trying to pay off their own college tuition loans.

A U.S. investigator of the ivory trade was killed in Kenya. Whatever happened to the days when people would use ivory to just tickle?

A doping scandal has hit the Winter Olympics. Although with so much doping going on in the sports world, does anyone even care enough to call it a scandal anymore?

Amtrak is blaming a freight train operator for a crash in South Carolina. How bad has the rail system gotten when Amtrak is the victim?

A report says a hypersonic fighter jet can circle the globe in three hours. Which is great for Donald Trump, as what’s the point of starting a World War unless you have an Air Force that can cover all that ground?

A study says gender-bending chemicals have been found in plastic. Most obviously anyone drinking out of a plastic container of Bud Light Lime-A-Rita.

Moscow is struggling with what is being called the “snowfall of the century.” Which in Moscow just means they have had that much snow every winter for 100 years.

Moscow is struggling with what is being called the “snowfall of the century.” Which in Siberia is better known as “Tuesday.”

Moscow is struggling with what is being called the “snowfall of the century.” Which wouldn’t be so bad for Muscovites if the century they are living in wasn’t the 19th.

A New Hampshire woman who won $560 Million in a lottery wants to remain anonymous. Which is really bad for the man who doesn’t know he is about to become her ex-husband.

A New Hampshire woman who won $560 Million in a lottery wants to remain anonymous. Which seems unnecessary as it’s not like anyone with $560 Million is going to stay in New Hampshire.

Police in Georgia arrested the “freedom fighter bandit” who was reportedly robbing banks to fight for a cause. Which was apparently getting the freedom to not have to work anymore.

Police in Georgia arrested the “freedom fighter bandit” who was reportedly robbing banks to fight for a cause. Which ironically will take away any chance of her being free again for the next 15-20 years.

A settlement has been reached with banana giant Chiquita over the deaths of several Americans kidnapped and killed in Colombia. Although the company is disputing the kidnappers’ claims they all died after slipping on banana peels.

A Martin Luther King, Jr. speech used in a Ram Truck Super Bowl commercial is being criticized. The worst part was the tag line “We shall overhead cam.”

Maldives has declared a state of emergency because of political unrest. Otherwise known in the Maldives as “Tuesday.”

Maldives has declared a state of emergency because of political unrest. To which Americans are asking when we get one declared here.

A report says the U.S. and North Korean political games are threatening to overshadow the Winter Olympics. Which is interesting that the Russians have been banned from the Games but are still number one when it comes to meddling.

Frito-Lay is making a women-friendly chip that doesn’t crunch. Don’t we already have that? It’s called when they go stale.

Donald Trump suggested that it’s “un-American” to not applaud him. Which is his way of saying there is no one more patriotic than him.

Donald Trump suggested that it’s “un-American” to not applaud him. In fact, he clapped for himself so much during the State of the Union that marine biologists were there ready to throw him some fish.

Apple and Cisco are selling insurance to companies to protect against cyber attacks. Which Apple calls getting companies to buy anything other than Microsoft.

Apple and Cisco are selling insurance to companies to protect against cyber attacks. Which is pretty much telling people not to do business with Target, Uber or Equifax.

Senator Mark Warner is warning of propaganda on YouTube. Especially when he saw all the cat videos now made entirely using Russian Blues and Siberians.

40% of people say irresponsible spending on a date is a bigger turnoff than having bad credit. Especially in the cases of people whose irresponsible spending is the reason they have bad credit.

40% of people say irresponsible spending on a date is a bigger turnoff than having bad credit. Which means it’s still a bad idea at the end of a date to leave a $20 bill on the nightstand.

 A report says passenger and freight trains often share the same tracks. To which most people who have ever ridden on Amtrak are saying “What’s the difference?”

The new chair of the Fed was sworn in on the day the market fell 1,175 points. Wouldn’t you know it happened to be the same day he bought a new Chrysler, put a down payment on a time-share and opened an account at Wells Fargo.

Bristol-Myers Squibb claims they have a “breakthrough” treatment for lung cancer. Apparently it has something to do with telling people to quit smoking.

Paul Simon has announced his farewell tour. People were surprised. They thought he retired back in 1986.

An analysis says out of pocket health costs could take half of people’s Social Security income by 2030. Recipients aren’t worried as under Donald Trump, Social Security will be lucky to make it to 2019.

An analysis says out of pocket health costs could take half of people’s Social Security income by 2030. Which is no big deal since by then, Social Security cuts will mean recipients won’t have anything in-pocket to start with.

A report says melanoma rates are up for Baby Boomers and down for young people. Which shows there is an upside to sitting on the couch playing video games all day.

A report says nursing homes are misusing antipsychotic drugs on residents. Which makes the ones with dementia upset because it keeps them from hallucinating that they are being visited every day by their family.

A study says two drinks a day can help fight Alzheimer’s Disease. To which most people say if they get drunk enough, what’s the difference?

A study says fish oil may not help the heart. Especially since the BP Gulf Oil Spill when most fish oil is now 30 weight.

A study says colonoscopies may trigger appendicitis. Which becomes obvious when the doctor’s GPS tells him “I told you to take a left turn at the spleen.”

Pam Anderson says her boyfriend is helping her deal with menopause. It doesn’t seem that long ago that shots of her running along the beach in “Baywatch” were giving teenage boys all the hot flashes.

Investigators say Robert Wagner’s story about Natalie Wood’s death “doesn’t add up.” Mostly because doing the math on a statement from an 87 year old about something that happened 37 years ago means nothing is going to add up.

Best Buy says it will stop selling CDs in July. Mostly because anyone under 30 is asking “What’s a CD?”

Meghan Markle’s half sister says she should help financially with her poor father who is living in Mexico. Now that she will be a part of the Royal Family, this has all the makings for the greatest reality TV show in history.

The Pacers have lost Darren Collison for two to three weeks with a knee injury. Which wouldn’t have happened if Collison would be better at avoiding collisions.

Charger Joe Barksdale has opened up about his bouts with severe depression. Which is an understandable affliction being stuck playing for the L.A. Chargers.

Donald Trump congratulated the Philadelphia Eagles for winning the Super Bowl. Although he says he will kick any of them out that he finds are ill-Eagles.

The Super Bowl had the lowest TV viewership since 2009. Which means Tom Brady will again be held accountable for something going flat.

Philadelphia will be closing its schools for a parade for the Eagles on Thursday. Which will be great news for the three students still enrolled in public schools there.

Canada is going for its 5th straight Olympic gold medal in women’s ice hockey. Not to say it isn’t the marquee sport, but even the WNBA is offering them encouragement that someone will show up to watch some of the matches.

A mystery bettor won $6 Million placing a wager on the Eagles to win the Super Bowl. Which may or may not have something to do with Tom Brady being seen at the casino claim window right after his fourth quarter fumble.

Donald Trump says he is happy that no players kneeled during the National Anthem. Apparently players were placated when kickoffs were moved to the 35-yard line so they can at least still take a knee in the end zone.

44 year old pitcher Bartolo Colon has been signed to a minor league contract with the Texas Rangers. Which means after he goes through the farm system, he may be able to return to the big leagues by the time he turns 48.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! The Super Bowl is over. To which most men are wondering what there will be to talk about between now and August. The answer of course, is spring training! That is only a month away and the world will be good again. I am already becoming optimistic that the Dodgers may finally be able to finally win their first ‘Series in 30 years. I can’t complain. At least we haven’t gotten into Cubs territory. Yet. I just know I am happy when the weather gets warmer and even more so when all of you remember to always keep sending the love!


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