Sunday, February 04, 2018

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers! From the most prolific joke writer on the planet...!

Did you see the animal pattern, urban camo outfit Justin Timberlake wore for the Super Bowl Halftime Show? It shows he doesn't need Janet Jackson around to have a wardrobe malfunction.

The Patriots lost the Super Bowl on a late fumble by Tom Brady. Ironically, it was a ball not fitting into Brady's hands that took the air out of his hopes of a sixth ring.

The Dow dropped 666 points on Friday following the State of the Union speech. The amount will now be known as “the mark of Trump.”

Former FBI Director James Comey about the released GOP memo about the FBI said “That’s it?” Which Hillary Clinton is now wondering why he never said the same thing when he investigated her e-mails.

Equifax topped a list of the most hated companies. At least you have to give them credit.

Equifax topped a list of the most hated companies. How bad do you have to be to beat out the Weinstein Company, United Airlines and all of cable TV?

Equifax topped a list of the most hated companies. The Trump Organization finished at #12 but there are still three years left for it to make it all the way to the top.

A report says whole bodies could be replaced by robotic parts by 2070. Which is great news for anyone who wants to live their life just like Stephen Hawking.

A study says rats have developed cancer from exposure to cellphones. It turns out they just have to take a selfie every time they say “cheese.”

A study says rats have developed cancer from exposure to cellphones. It would be even worse if they had evolved to the point of having opposable thumbs and spent their whole day texting.

A study says rats have developed cancer from exposure to cellphones. Apparently they can’t get enough of looking at their phones to watch videos of Pizza Rat.

The Pentagon has ended Obama-era efforts to reduce nuclear weapons. Mostly because there is no way we will have the manpower to use conventional methods to fight all eight wars that will be started by Donald Trump.

A study says anxious people are more likely to be bitten by dogs. After which at least they know their anxieties were real.

A Maryland hunter was knocked unconscious by a dead goose falling out of the sky. No one even knew Fabio was a sportsman.

A Maryland hunter was knocked unconscious by a dead goose falling out of the sky. His goose was cooked before he even had time to go home and cook the goose.

Hundreds of strippers in New Orleans are protesting a crackdown on clubs before Mardi Gras. The dancers say they are all about faith, hope and charity, and to prove it the protesters were all named Faith, Hope and Charity.

Hundreds of strippers in New Orleans are protesting a crackdown on clubs before Mardi Gras. Although anyone at Mardi Gras who wants to see naked women only has to buy a few strands of beads.

The one time party drug known as “Special K” is being hailed as a treatment for depression. Which may be why it used to be known as a party drug.

The Hawaiian worker who sent out the false missile alert says he thought the threat was real. Apparently he thought the part that said “Exercise! Exercise! Exercise!” meant he was supposed to send out the alert and then do 40 pushups.

The Hawaiian worker who sent out the false missile alert says he thought the threat was real. Before that, he had a poor performance rating on his job. Now, what could go wrong leaving someone like that in such an important position?

The Hawaii Police Department is investigating officer who reportedly made a suspect place his mouth on a urinal. Although the victim says it wasn’t that bad as at least they had strawberry urinal cakes.

The Hawaii Police Department is investigating officer who reportedly made a suspect place his mouth on a urinal. It could have been even worse as the order was given by the one playing “good cop.”

A group says the VA should drop its motto “To care for him who shall have borne the battle and for his widow, and his orphan.” Who wants to go into a hospital where they are already making plans for them to leave a widow and orphans?

Wells Fargo has been hit with a growth ban from the Federal Reserve. To which the company is asking what are they supposed to do with all those new fake accounts?

A report says tax breaks are attracting filmmakers to Paris. The only problem is avoiding being constantly hounded for a chance at auditions by Gerard Depardieu.

Sprint is set to launch a 5G network by 2019. Which gets its name because when it goes into place, Sprint customers’ monthly bills will be 5 G’s.

Sprint is set to launch a 5G network by 2019. To which AT&T says it won’t be long before they are all the way up to 3C.

Best Buy says they will give out $1,000 bonuses to all their workers. Which means they will have enough money to finally become a Best Buy customer.

LAX is testing facial recognition to speed up the check-in process. The only problem is the system will be in a complete shut-down when it has to go through all 23 different facial reconstructions before it figures out who she really is.

Ancient tools found in India dating back 385,000 years suggest humans migrated from Africa earlier than thought. Which shows even back then India was taking all kinds of jobs through outsourcing.

Ancient tools found in India dating back 385,000 years suggest humans migrated from Africa earlier than thought. Which shows even the earliest humans knew enough to try to get out of those “s--thole countries.”

A study says regular exercise can cut surgery complications for lung cancer patients. Although if those people had been exercising regularly before, they might not have gotten lung cancer in the first place.

A study says being outdoors alters the way the brain works. Mostly from just being able to look at something other than a computer screen for 16 hours every day.

A study says doctors aren’t doing enough to keep patients with dementia off the roads. Mostly the ones who keep driving around town looking for the doctor’s office because they can’t remember where it is or if it’s their day for an appointment.

Lady Gaga canceled some tour dates because of “severe pain.” She really needs to stop eating snacks from cold cuts she slices off that meat dress.

A woman listed as missing in California showed up as a contestant on ABC’s “The Bachelor.” Although if she really wanted to stay hidden, she should have taken a role on a reality show on CBS.

A golf course owned by Michael Jordan is polluting a river in violation of Florida rules. People were surprised. Polluting rivers is against the law in Florida?

A golf course owned by Michael Jordan is polluting a river in violation of Florida rules. Which could have been prevented by just making Charles Barkley replace all his divots.

A survey says the NFL audience has dropped by 9% in the past four years. Which apparently reflects the 9% of men who would prefer to stay married by not watching all 50 hours of football that is televised every week.

LeBron James calls reports of him joining the Golden State Warriors “nonsense.” He hasn’t even booked any TV time for making an announcement on ESPN.

Steph Curry’s wife is pregnant with their third child. Wouldn’t you know that even with kids, he has to go for a trey.

Ryan Palmer was handing out golf balls inside a $10 bill at the Waste Management Phoenix Open that said “have a beer on me.” To which fans were asking him what about the other $4 to cover the cost of a concession stand beer?

Ryan Palmer was handing out golf balls inside a $10 bill at the Waste Management Phoenix Open that said “have a beer on me.” Which is nice to see a player helping fans who are trying to manage getting wasted.

Apple is offering free repair to iPhone 7 devices that display “No Service” on the status bar. Although a faster fix is telling them to just leave AT&T.

A study says naked mole rats don’t die from the results of old age. The sad part is that being naked means most of them just die from exposure.

Uber is starting a bike sharing company in the Bay Area. Mostly for people who are too scared to try ride sharing and have to deal with an Uber driver.

Bernie Sanders discussed his strategy about how he would run against Donald Trump in 2020. The first thing is at his age it wouldn’t be so much running as it would be motoring around in a Rascal Scooter.

Russia says the U.S. nuclear policy poses a threat. Almost as much as our economic policy, energy policy, immigration policy, foreign policy…

Russia says the U.S. nuclear policy poses a threat. Meaning the policy includes giving Donald Trump the nuclear launch codes.

Paul Ryan tweeted the success of the tax cut with a secretary who says she is taking home an extra $1.50 a week. The only way a secretary can make a lot of money is if they are Secretary of the Treasury, Secretary of Commerce, or Secretary of Labor.

A report says even KFC’s head chef doesn’t know the secret recipe of 11 herbs and spices. Which is still better than most people who don’t even there know there are that many herbs and spices.

A report says even KFC’s head chef doesn’t know the secret recipe of 11 herbs and spices. On top of that, he won’t even disclose what they are actually using that they label as “chicken.”

44 year old Bartolo Colon is reportedly close to signing a contract with the Texas Rangers. Someone needs to tell him when financial planners tell people they should work until they are 70, it doesn’t necessarily include major leaguers.

A report says Meghan Markle’s nose is the most popular plastic surgery request. Which is considered old news by Cher who says she already had that nose three procedures ago.

The first woman to accuse disgraced doctor Larry Nassar says the church is one of the worst places to go for help. To which millions of Catholic altar boys are saying “You’re finding this out now?”

Jim Thome says he doesn’t want Chief Wahoo pictured on his Hall of Fame cap. Not so much in support of Indians as much as he doesn’t want people to know he played in Cleveland.


-->
That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Got some late jokes in about the Super Bowl. But the real joke for the game was on the people who flew to Minneapolis to freeze their backsides off to pay thousands of dollars for a ticket to watch a game that was better viewed on TV. At least they got to be there in person to watch Tom Brady lose. That at least is a small consolation. Like most people I watched the game at home and was good with that. My Raiders missed the playoffs again so I did not have a team to root for. But for me to feel like a winner, that happens when you all remember to always keep on sending the love!


No comments: