Wednesday, February 28, 2018

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers! From the most prolific joke writer on the planet...!


U.S. News has rated Iowa as the best state to live in. Especially with Steve King there meaning people who want to be represented by a crazy member of Congress don’t have to move all the way to Texas.

Home prices surged in December due to a critical housing shortage. Mostly from people not being able to buy a house as long as the prices continue to surge.

China may remove term limits currently in effect for President Xi. To which Donald Trump says “President Xi? They’ve only had eleven presidents?”

China may remove term limits currently in effect for President Xi. To which Donald Trump is saying “Maybe those commies are on to something after all.”

Scientists have recreated the genome for a bird that has been extinct for 700 years. Which means if they start now, there is still hope for the American chicken.

A 15 year old boy charged with murder is blaming his actions on an acne medicine. Which is not to be confused with Wile E. Coyote who always tried to do in the Roadrunner in with products from Acme.

A 15 year old boy charged with murder is blaming his actions on an acne medicine. His lawyer claims the medicine caused him to hallucinate his victim was a giant zit.

Malibu has banned restaurants from giving out plastic straws, stirrers and utensils. As if anyone in Malibu would go to a restaurant that doesn’t only use silverware, China and crystal.

Malibu has banned restaurants from giving out plastic straws, stirrers and utensils. City Council literally has told them this is the last straw.

Arnold Schwarzenegger and John Kasich are teaming up to reform the California Republican Party. Which is an exciting development for all three Republicans still living in the state.

A report says there is a big public backlash over the behavior of big tech companies. Mostly from people realizing they are the ones the Russians fooled into helping elect Donald Trump.

The Pentagon says the first transsexual has joined the U.S. Military. Which has changed the slogan to “An Army of One…or the Other.”

A survey says more Americans support the idea of a basic universal income. Which appeals to the poor who will still be able to make an unlivable wage only without having to deal with an intolerable boss.

A study says 97% of people trying to be YouTube stars don’t make enough money to crack the poverty line. In other words, it’s exactly the same as trying to become a star in Hollywood.

A study says 97% of people trying to be YouTube stars don’t make enough money to crack the poverty line. Mostly because YouTube pretty much consists of 50,000 teenagers trying to outdo each other performing “Jackass” type stunts.

A study says 97% of people trying to be YouTube stars don’t make enough money to crack the poverty line. The sad part is they are making a fraction of the cash generated by Grumpy Cat.

The Catholic Church is considering allowing priests to marry to ease the shortage in the clergy. Which is like what they have now, only just not to each other.

The Air Force Chief of Staff is warning of the possibility of a “space war” in a matter of years. Which means it really wasn’t a waste of time for all the recruits who spent their formative years in front of a console playing “Space Invaders.”

The Air Force Chief of Staff is warning of the possibility of a “space war” in a matter of years. Apparently he misunderstood Donald Trump who says we may have to start fighting the aliens on their own turf.

A Pennsylvania man was charged with stealing meatballs after being seen covered with red sauce. When he was caught by police, was his face red.

A Pennsylvania man was charged with stealing meatballs after being seen covered with red sauce. Talk about being caught red handed.

A Russian model says she will spill information on Donald Trump and the Russians to get out of a Thai jail. Or as Donald Trump calls that, “How I Met Your Mother.”

A Texas family doctor gunned down two neighbors in front of their children. People knew something was wrong when he agreed to actually make a house call.

A Texas family doctor gunned down two neighbors in front of their children. Some people will do anything to drum up a little extra business.

A Massachusetts man was knocked out by his son at a restaurant after telling him to stop texting during dinner. Although the dad got in the last word on the issue by telling the boy “Just for that, no dessert!”

A Massachusetts man was knocked out by his son at a restaurant after telling him to stop texting during dinner. Although the boy did exhibit proper manners by at least punching him out using Marquess of Queensberry rules.

A report says Kim Jong-un and his late father Kim Jong-il used Brazilian passports to apply for secret visas to other countries. Like they were going to fool anyone with those haircuts.

An Egyptian singer was sentenced to prison for making a joke about dirty water in the Nile. She should have been like everyone else and just kept her dirty water jokes about Flint, Michigan.

Amelia Earhart’s missing car was found in Los Angeles. Could that woman go anywhere without getting hopelessly lost?

A report says single Americans are “extremely confused” and scared to date during the #MeToo movement. Which just shows some things never change.

A report says single Americans are “extremely confused” and scared to date during the #MeToo movement. Especially now that some even consider swiping right as inappropriate touching.

A report says 77% of Americans are confused about the new Trump Tax Plan. To which they are being told not to worry as it only gives more money back to the top 1% anyways.

A study says American consumers are the most confident since 2000. Mostly because they have managed to pay off all their debt since then just in time to be ready for the next economic crash.

SeaWorld’s CEO has stepped down over the continuing fallout from the “Blackfish” documentary. Apparently his whole tenure is being summed up as one big belly flop.

The self-proclaimed inventor of Bitcoin is being accused of swindling $5 Billion in cryptocurrency. Mostly from claiming to be the one who invented Bitcoin.

In the middle of the nightmare of a flu season, the FDA is already working on next year’s vaccine. Or as the old saying goes, “Try, try again.”

A study says today’s kids struggle to hold pencils because of too much technology. The worst part is they keep thinking the eraser must be the “on” button.

A study says people with anxiety have better memories. Which is a problem because they can never forget any of the things that make them so nervous in the first place.

An Indian woman’s hand was saved by co-workers after being chopped off in a machine. Fortunately, they all immediately reacted when she asked them if they could give her a hand.

Doctors say teenagers should be screened annually for depression. Which is pretty much the same thing as screening them for being a teenager.

Doctors say teenagers should be screened annually for depression. Especially the ones who are preparing for college and are seeing when they graduate how long it will take them to pay off their tuition loans.

A simple urine test may reveal the biological age of a person’s body. Meaning the older you get, the more you get pissed.

A simple urine test may reveal the biological age of a person’s body. Which is pretty much given away by the men who take three hours just to be able to pee.

A survey says one in four teens are sexting. Mostly because it just seems to be an easier way to get to know someone than with awkward small talk.

Lisa Marie Presley’s fortune has gone from $100 Million to $14,000. The sad part is she now has less money than the children of most Elvis impersonators.

A report says contestants on the “Bachelor” shows are routinely rejected for STDs. Which apparently is just considered a hazard of the audition process.

An NFL committee says Dez Bryant’s catch in the 2014 playoffs should have counted. Unfortunately, not only is it past the time to ask for a replay, it is beyond most statute of limitations.

A 106 year old championship cyclist refuses to stop pedaling, setting a record by going 14 miles in one hour. The only problem is that it takes three days to figure out how to get back to where he started.

A 106 year old championship cyclist refuses to stop pedaling, setting a record by going 14 miles in one hour. Which would make for another record if he could somehow do that on the Los Angeles 405 Freeway.

A 106 year old championship cyclist refuses to stop pedaling, setting a record by going 14 miles in one hour. Although at that age, he pretty much sets a new record every day he wakes up.

Jared Kushner’s White House security clearance has been downgraded during the FBI background checks. His status has dropped from “top secret” to “son-in-law.”

Donald Trump is pushing a prison reform effort. Mostly as a favor in advance to all the people who will be headed there directly after leaving the West Wing.

FedEx says it will continue to give discounts to the NRA. The only problem for the company after making the announcement is having to deal with the recoil.

Donald Trump has announced he will be running for reelection in 2020. Mostly because he knows he will need at least another seven years in office to fix what he did in the first.

A study says the average person on hold becomes fed up after nine minutes. Which isn’t good for cable company customers who know after that point they still have 22 hours left until someone answers.

A study says the average person on hold becomes fed up after nine minutes. The worst part is that’s how long it takes just to go through the menu.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Thanks for taking the time to check out the blog. I appreciate you reading the jokes, and even more that some of you come back to do it again. Feel free to tell your friends and relatives about it. The good part about that is that it will keep them busy for twenty minutes that they won’t be able to use to bother you. This is my daily therapy from all the other things that drive me nuts. That’s what keeps me going.  And nothing gets me revved up more than when all of you remember to always keep on sending the love!



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