Tuesday, February 27, 2018

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers! From the most prolific joke writer on the planet...!


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A UK drug suspect has gone on a 38 day toilet strike. That is one picket line on one will ever cross.

A UK drug suspect has gone on a 38 day toilet strike. At least they know that his drug of choice isn’t Imodium.

A report says companies are scouring people’s digital lives for clues to their health. Which correlates to the more digital information available, the more time they have been sitting in front of a computer and the worse shape they are in.

A report says people touch their smartphones an average of 2,617 times a day. What’s worse is that for Kim Kardashian 2,615 of those times are to take selfies.

A report says people touch their smartphones an average of 2,617 times a day. Which works out to 2,616 times to send texts while driving and the other one to call for an ambulance.

A New York barber was beaten with a baseball bat over a bad haircut. So far the prime suspects are Bill Gates, Russell Brand and Donald Trump.

A New York barber was beaten with a baseball bat over a bad haircut. The last time a baseball bat was used to settle a bad haircut, Pete Rose was still playing for the Reds.

A study says Millennials are the fattest generation in history. And people said they would never exceed the accomplishments of their ancestors.

A study says eating fruits, grains and vegetables slashes the risk of depression. Especially when people realize how much they are saving not buying any meat.

Samsung has released a smartphone with augmented reality features. Which makes no difference to the average user whose reality consists of staring at a smartphone screen for 18 hours a day.

Donald Trump says he would have rushed into the Florida school shooting incident unarmed. Although first he would have had to locate a phone booth to change into his superhero tights and cape.

Donald Trump says he would have rushed into the Florida school shooting incident unarmed. Mostly because he knows he would be protected as no bullets are going to be able to pierce that many layers of hairspray.

Donald Trump says he would have rushed into the Florida school shooting incident unarmed. He already went to college four years being academically unarmed.

Donald Trump says he would have rushed into the Florida school shooting incident unarmed. Apparently he filed for those five draft deferments because he didn’t think it would be fair to the enemy if he was carrying a weapon.

The Pentagon is still weighing options for the Trump military parade through Washington, D.C. Apparently they are worried about not having enough firepower to step on the turf of the local street gangs.

The North Pole is reporting above-freezing temperatures in the middle of winter. The worst part is all the complaints from the elves having to watch Santa going through the workshop wearing no shirt and a red thong.

Apple is planning to release the largest iPhone ever, with a 6.5 inch screen. At that point why not just call it what it really is, an iPad that makes calls.

Warren Buffett says gambling on stocks is a losing bet. For example, it’s a safer wager to put your money on the Roulette table than to buy shares in casinos run by Donald Trump or Steve Wynn.

Warren Buffett says gambling on stocks is a losing bet. How bad is it when he is saying it is safer to put your money in a fake bank account at Wells Fargo?

Warren Buffett says he doesn’t own a smartphone. When you are 87 years old, it’s tough enough finding any cellphones that still have a rotary dial.

San Francisco was listed as the hardest working city in the U.S. Mostly because when you are making $10 an hour, it’s tough to get enough time in on the clock to make the $300,000 needed to stay off food stamps.

A report says standing desks are a hazard to both a person’s health and productivity. Especially for men who find it very hard in that position to hide the fact they are spending their time at work looking at porn.

A study says 15% of teens say they have sexted. No one had any idea that many kids took up an interest in politics because of Anthony Weiner.

A study says 15% of teens say they have sexted. The other 85% have just never bothered to open up a page on Myspace.

A study says childhood obesity is getting worse for 2-5 year olds. The good news is they are getting so large, when they need a diaper change they can just borrow one of grandpa’s Depends.

A study says the DASH diet may lower the risk of depression later in life. But only for the people that think the diet means making a DASH to the refrigerator for a slice of pie and some ice cream.

A study says there is no link between birth control and depression. The link to depression comes from forgetting to take the birth control and now answering to “Mommy.”

A study says Xanax and Valium look like the next American drug crisis. Mostly from needing those drugs to fight the anxiety caused by the fear of being hooked on opioids.

Khloe Kardashian says she will announce the sex of her baby on “The Kardashians.” Which was a really tough decision to pick making such a personal announcement and having to choose between the TV show, Twitter, Facebook or Snapchat.

Camilla Parker Bowles reportedly wants Prince Charles to become the new Commonwealth Head. Mostly because he should be the head as he isn’t common because of all his wealth.

Camilla Parker Bowles reportedly wants Prince Charles to become the new Commonwealth Head. Mostly because she thinks it would look better to have at least one job in his life before becoming King.

Camilla Parker Bowles reportedly wants Prince Charles to become the new Commonwealth Head. Mostly just to give him something to do to get him out of the house for awhile.

Kim Kardashian and Kanye West will be competing against Kris Jenner, Khloe Kardashian and Kendall Jenner on “Celebrity Family Feud.” Which brings up the question, how is that any different from their other TV shows?

The Weinstein Company is set to file for bankruptcy. Which is different from Harvey Weinstein being declared morally bankrupt back in the late 1980s.

Nicolas Cage says he likes working on independent films. Mostly because no studio will touch him after he starred in “Amos & Andrew.”

Roger Goodell says he is set to fine Cowboys owner Jerry Jones several million dollars for his actions including trying to deny Goodell’s contract extension. At least we know how the league is going to pay for Goodell’s huge pay raise.

Russell Wilson says joining the Yankees is not a stunt. Throwing a pass from the one yard line on the last play of the Super Bowl with Marshawn Lynch in the backfield, now that’s a stunt.

Rich Rodriguez is accusing a former employee of trying to extort him for $7.5 Million. Which ironically is exactly the same amount he tried to squeeze out of West Virginia when he threatened to sign with Alabama.

The U.S. Open will move to a two-hole aggregate playoff format. Mostly because of the fear that Kevin Na playing 90 holes could take the championship into September.

The Winter Olympics ratings were down 17% from Sochi. Mostly because the most drama the U.S. Olympic Team could generate involved men’s curling and women’s ice hockey.

Police say Jets linebacker Dylan Donahue caused a crash going the wrong way in the Lincoln Tunnel. And people said modern football players can’t go both ways.

Alex Rodriguez has been hired by the Yankees as a special advisor, but what he will be doing hasn’t been made clear. In other words, he is picking up right where he left off when he was still playing.

Mexico’s President canceled a planned visit to the White House after a confrontational phone call with Donald Trump. Apparently Trump made the call collect and demanded Mexico pay for it.

“Clueless” actress Stacey Dash is running for Congress in California. Which is fitting because most people think the film is a documentary about the nation’s capital.

Donald Trump will visit California for the first time since becoming President. Apparently he wants to show his appreciation for the three residents there who voted for him.

Donald Trump will visit California for the first time since becoming President. Mostly just to get a “before” picture of what the state will be like after he enforces his immigration plan.

A poll says 85% of Americans disapprove of the job Congress is doing. The other 15% are still asking “Just exactly what job are they doing?”

California has given the green light to driverless car testing on public roads. Mostly because if they use the 405 Freeway they don’t have to worry about any accidents involving cars going more than 3 MPH.

Huawei has reportedly developed a smartphone that can drive a car. The only problem is that it can’t stay behind the wheel more than a couple of minutes before it becomes distracted sending out texts.

Bankruptcy documents say rapper 50 Cent says he never owned any Bitcoins. Which ironically means despite rumors he made $8 Million in the cryptocurrency selling albums, his net worth really is only a couple of quarters.

A futurist says aliens will likely have two eyes, opposable thumbs and speak a language. Which is exactly the same as how Iowa Congressman Steve King envisions them except for the part about having calves the size of cantaloupes.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! It’s a busy week ahead for me. Kind of like every week. But this one is just a little more jam-packed as I am set to test for my second degree black belt in Karate on Saturday. So I will still crank out the jokes but there might be a glitch if I throw a side kick into my computer screen. Just letting you know in advance. Wish me luck, and for my daughter who will also be testing. It’s nice to have a daughter who can protect me when I have an off day on the blog. Which as you know can be a common occurrence. But it’s never an off day as long as all of you remember to always keep on sending the love!



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