Sunday, February 25, 2018

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers! From the most prolific joke writer on the planet...!


Alabama is considering using nitrogen gas for inmate executions. An alternative would be to use nitrous oxide in cases where they want prisoners to die laughing.

Alabama is considering using nitrogen gas for inmate executions. They were going to use helium but were worried it would sound like they were killing Mickey Mouse.

Alabama is considering using nitrogen gas for inmate executions. L.A. has a similar plan which involves just making death row inmates go outside and breathe the air.

A man wearing only a tutu stormed the ice rink at the Winter Olympics. No one had any idea that Brian Boitano was trying to make a comeback.

Several groups are fighting “fake” meat grown in labs. As opposed to the usual fake meat that has been grown for years by Taco Bell.

Several groups are fighting “fake” meat grown in labs. Although those supporting the meat thinks the issue is an exaggeration made up by the fake news.

The NRA has awarded FCC Chairman Ajit Pai a rifle for repealing Net Neutrality. Which could be a bad idea considering his propensity to shoot himself in the foot.

A survey says some people in the Bay Area making $350,000 a year consider themselves lower middle class. Which is true when you live right down the street from Mark Zuckerberg.

A survey says some people in the Bay Area making $350,000 a year consider themselves lower middle class. Which is hard not to when all that money only buys you a two bedroom fixer upper in East Oakland.

The U.S. Men’s Curling Team won its first Olympic gold medal. The team celebrated by drinking beer and smoking cigars. In other words, exactly the same thing they do while they are competing.

The U.S. Men’s Curling Team won its first Olympic gold medal. Which gives new hope to the Olympic teams in jacks, hopscotch and TV repair.

Several corporations are cutting ties with the NRA which included discounts to members. Not because they supported the organization but it’s tough to not offer a deal when you are staring down the barrel of an AK-47.

Donald Trump, Jr. called the Indian media “mild and nice.” Which sounded to some like he was just trying to curry favor.

A Donald Trump golf course in Florida will pay $5.45 Million to members it refused to refund when they tried to resign. Which is good news for everyone hoping they get the same deal when they get tossed off his White House staff.

A federal report says many men still in their prime working age may never return to the workforce. Mostly because since the Great Recession, the prime working age is now 15-93.

A federal report says only 89% of men 25-54 are currently in the workforce. The good news is it frees those men to stay home to watch TV as part of the important Nielsen prime demographic.

The U.S. Winter Olympic team medal count represents .07 medals per million people. Which is the same percentage who are even willing to go outside once it gets below 40 degrees.

The U.S. Winter Olympic team medal count represents .07 medals per million people. Which is exactly the same number who even know curling is an event.

Starbucks is removing 30% of the products from its menu. Which they figure is the best way to give them a 30% chance of giving all their customers the wrong order.

Starbucks is removing 30% of the products from its menu. It’s just a lot easier to make money by adding another 30% to all their prices.

Citigroup will refund $335 Million to credit card customers that it overcharged on their annual interest rates. Which the people can now use to help pay off the fees of their bankruptcy lawyers.

Residents in New Jersey paid a record average of $8,690 in property taxes for 2017. The good news is those should come down quite a bit now that they no longer have to pay to feed Chris Christie.

Movie theaters are trying to attract customers with gourmet cuisine and cushy leather seats. They could even make more money by charging to watch the fights that break out when someone starts talking on their cellphone during a film.

A survey says nearly 80% of Americans own a smartphone. The other 20% have agreed to become the designated driver so all their friends can keep on texting.

A survey says nearly 80% of Americans own a smartphone. The other 20% are over 80 and still prefer to read newspapers, talk on rotary phone and get their news from a transistor radio.

Warren Buffet is planning to retire from the Kraft Heinz board of directors. Apparently he feels he needs more time to Ketchup on things.

Warren Buffet is planning to retire from the Kraft Heinz board of directors. Which should be very scary to everyone else when a man with his billions is just thinking of starting to cut back on work at age 87.

Economists say Donald Trump’s math on his infrastructure plan is off by 98%. Which isn’t hard to imagine from someone who claims to have $10 Billion but still eats all his meals at McDonald’s.

Economists say Donald Trump’s math on his infrastructure plan is off by 98%. Which is exactly the same percentage he is off when he talks about winning the popular vote.

An 89 year old former car salesman is challenging a claim breaking his world’s record in car sales. He feels it is unfair that the new record went to someone selling Chryslers who sells four cars to the same people each year when they fall apart.

An 89 year old former car salesman is challenging a claim breaking his world’s record in car sales. Although he still has his undisputed claim to the record of selling the most Model T’s in one year.

Bay Area leaders say there is no easy fix to traffic and housing woes there. Although if they could just lower rents it would mean people could stay home and not have to drive around all day looking for a parking spot to spend the night.

American Airlines subsidiary workers say they must take food stamps and sell their blood to get by. The good news is there is always a market selling blood to United passengers who have been dragged off their plane.

Mississippi is working to ban fake urine for use on drug tests. It’s easy to tell when people in Mississippi are using fake urine when it has no trace of Mountain Dew.

A Michigan high school swimmer saved the life of a competitor who nearly drowned at a swim meet. Although it is bit of a stretch to describe a swimmer who nearly drowns as a “competitor.”

The CDC wants $400 Million to replace the lab for the world’s deadliest germs. Which they could spend a fraction of that by instead setting up shop in a college men’s dorm refrigerator.

A study says young men’s drinking is tied to a later risk of liver disease. The question is, how drunk was someone to think they really had order that study?

A study says an early Type 2 Diabetes diagnosis is bad for the heart. Mostly when the people see their medical bills for their kidneys disease, stroke and high blood pressure.

A study says poorer kids fare worse than others after undergoing heart surgery. Especially when their health insurance only covers outpatient surgery at the Wal-Mart Care Clinic.

A study says one third of Millennials brush their teeth just once a day. The other two thirds don’t brush at all and are just down to massaging what’s left of their gums.

Kim Kardashian and her siblings honored their father Robert Kardashian on what would have been his 74th birthday. Which explains a lot about a family who celebrates a man who helped O.J. Simpson get away with murder.

Angelina Jolie says being a “balanced person” helps her avoid an empty life.” Which is such a pratfall for so many others who get trapped in the existence of being an A-List Hollywood celebrity.

James Woods says he was “blacklisted” because of his conservative politics. Although it may also have had something to do with taking a part in “Scary Movie 2.”

Kylie Jenner will launch a makeup collection “inspired” by her three week old daughter. The first product will be called “Diaper Rash Rouge.”

Kylie Jenner will launch a makeup collection “inspired” by her three week old daughter. She can also hardly wait for her daughter to reach three years old so she can start planning her first plastic surgery.

Norway leads the Winter Olympics medals count with a record 38. To which Donald Trump after seeing the results of Jamaica, Haiti and the African nations is saying “Take that, all you s--thole countries!”

Norway leads the Winter Olympics medals count with a record 38. Which shouldn’t be a surprise in a country where the main modes of transportation are skates, skies and bobsleds.

Clippers owner Steve Ballmer says Blake Griffin was traded for “chemistry reasons.” If chemistry was a reason to get rid of a player, then how did Lamar Odom spend seven years with the Lakers?

Shaquille O’Neal’s son Shareef decommitted from Arizona after the coach was caught discussing a $100,000 payment to a player. Apparently he doesn’t want to play for a school that can’t come up with a more serious offer than that.

A Canadian cross-country skier was arrested at the Winter Olympic Games driving a stolen car while drunk. To which Ryan Lochte is saying “It’s already been done.”

Ester Ledecka became the first woman to win gold medals in two different sports with alpine skiing and snowboarding. Although how much different is it to make the decision to go down a mountain using one or two boards?

The U.S. Men’s Curling Team was given the wrong gold medals. Which is good news if it’s for a sport that may actually get them a chance to appear on a box of Wheaties.

Some colleges are offering “amnesty” for students who get expelled from high school protesting guns. Which is just nice to see colleges for once helping someone in trouble who can’t throw a football 60 yards.

Michael Steele shot back at a conservative PAC official who says Steele was only elected to lead the RNC because he is “a black guy.” Apparently the party is still mad for the three Republicans who voted for Barack Obama.

Waymo has applied for a patent on a method to prevent people from throwing up in self-driving cars. Which will be more of a problem now that people will have nothing to worry about finishing off a fifth of Tequila behind the wheel.

A study says plastic water bottles may be safe after all. Especially if the plastic is more healthy than the water when it is bottled in Flint, Michigan.

A study says the way to live longer may include beer and a few extra pounds. If that’s the case, then Americans may actually have found the secret of eternal life.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! The Olympics are wrapping up today. Unfortunately for NBC, ratings appear to have really tanked. It was a lot better in the days when they were able to attract more viewers reporting on the exploits of Matt Lauer. The interesting part of the Winter Olympics is the demographics of the athletes themselves. Meaning to be on the Men’s Team, you either have to have an adrenalin-fueled death wish or be totally gay. There doesn’t seem to be anything else in between. That’s it for the diversity as the Olympic Village looks pretty much like the next location for the Republican National Convention. It’s pretty bad when the snow isn’t the whitest element making up the Games. But I do love the competition and it’s nice to see those people who worked so hard being rewarded for their success. At least the skaters and snowboarders. The luge and biathlon winners get to come back home to their job selling shelving at Home Depot. The truth is, I do feel like I am a gold medal winner when you all remember to always keep on sending the love!



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