Friday, February 23, 2018

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers! From the most prolific joke writer on the planet...!


A Pennsylvania church will hold a blessing for AR-15s. Which will be followed by funeral services for anyone accidentally shot during the gathering.

 A study says at least one million more Brits should be put on antidepressants. Or they could just move to a country where it doesn’t rain 300 days out of the year.

L.A. is cracking down on out of control Hollywood party houses. Which turns out are mostly run by women celebrating Harvey Weinstein moving out of town.

L.A. is cracking down on out of control Hollywood party houses. Which is otherwise known as living in Hollywood.

Passengers in Kansas City sat on the tarmac for 12 hours because of an ice storm. To which United explained the delay, saying “There was an ice storm?”

A study says one in five Americans have more credit card debt than savings. Mostly because if they had any savings, they wouldn’t be using their credit cards so much in the first place.

A study says one in five Americans have more credit card debt than savings. The other four have less credit card debt than they do loans for college tuition, cars and their house.

Gucci models walked the runway at a recent show carrying fake severed heads. Apparently accessories like the Gucci handbag are just so 2000.

Scientists say antibacterial wipes are pointless as bugs grow back within 20 minutes after cleaning. Which is why men never clean the kitchen or bathroom because they believe in letting live and let live.

Chevy Chase was reportedly attacked in a road rage incident. That is the last time he will chase a Chevy.

Chevy Chase was reportedly attacked in a road rage incident. Apparently some people are just not willing to just forgive and forget his talk show.

Donald Trump suggested bonuses for armed teachers to prevent school shootings. Remember when teachers were paid more for higher scores on tests instead of firing range targets?

Donald Trump suggested bonuses for armed teachers to prevent school shootings. If nothing else, it will sure make cafeteria food fights a thing of the past.

Billy Graham will be buried in a coffin made by prisoners to reflect on his simple lifestyle. As opposed to Jim Bakker who will one day be buried in a coffin built by all the inmates he served with in Cell Block 6.

An ex-judge in Arkansas was sentenced to prison for trading less jail time for sexual favors. He was the judge women defendants looked forward to being given a stiff sentence.

A driver in Connecticut is in critical condition after crashing their car into a hospital. Apparently their health insurance plan didn’t cover ambulance rides.

Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau says he regrets inviting a convicted attempted assassin to a party in India. His reasoning was who better to have around when it comes to carving the turkey?

Kylie Jenner is being blamed for a $1 Billion loss in value for Snapchat after tweeting she no longer uses the social media site. Mostly because of all the men who know they will have to go somewhere else to see pictures of her naked.

A study says where a person sits in the office can influence their next promotion. Especially if that place is underneath the boss’s desk.

Cinemark no longer allows large bags to be brought into their movie theaters. Which is bad news for all the people who like to use the bags to put over their heads when they go to see an Adam Sandler film.

Donald Trump is blaming violent video games for school shootings. Mostly because the kids who play video games all day end up with fingers too fat to fit on a trigger.

Donald Trump is blaming violent video games for school shootings. On the other hand, he realizes video games helped make the uninformed electorate that is the reason he is in the White House.

Japanese airbag maker Takata has reached a $650 Million settlement over consumer protection claims, but only a fraction will be paid because of the company’s financial problems. They keep saying business is a little flat.

Bulletproof backpacks have seen a sales surge since the Florida school shooting. Remember when the most popular fashion material at school was denim and corduroy and not Kevlar?

Hedge fund billionaire Ray Dalio says there is a 70% chance of a recession before the 2020 election. Which will be mostly guaranteed because of all the market manipulation by hedge funds.

A report says Silicon Valley is the most expensive place in the U.S. for rent, taking an average of 89.7 hours of work a month to cover the cost. The worst part is the study was made using Mark Zuckerberg.

A study says too much TV can boost the odds of developing blood clots. Especially for Trump supporters who watch any news channels other than Fox.

A study says too much TV can boost the odds of developing a blood clot. Although another factor is the people watching CBS are already at risk because they are 87.

A study says some antidepressants are no better than placebos. Mostly because when patients find out, they get even more depressed after seeing how much they are paying for useless prescriptions.

The EU says Poland violated air quality laws from 2007 to 2015. Although most the people there didn’t mind because the smog made everything smell less Poland-y.

A study says the faster a person eats, the more likely they are to be overweight. Especially the ones eating faster because there are only 24 hours in a day.

Florida has declared porn a public health risk. Especially for kids who are too distracted while looking at it to take cover when a shooter comes into their school.

A report says surgical sponges were left inside a Japanese woman for at least six years. Her family suspected something when she became completely self-absorbed.

A report says surgical sponges were left inside a Japanese woman for at least six years. Although doctors were just happy to have a patient that lived six years after going through an operation.

Joss Whedon has stepped away from the movie “Batgirl” saying he failed to find a story. Although that never stopped the people in charge of making “Catwoman.”

“Star Wars” star Mark Hamill has finally gotten a star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame. Even better is that it is right on the block where he is in charge of keeping the sidewalks swept clean.

“Star Wars” star Mark Hamill has finally gotten a star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame. If it took more than 40 years to be recognized for his role as Luke Skywalker, he may be waiting awhile for a second star for “Corvette Summer.”

The investigation into corruption in college basketball was helped by a sports agent who kept detailed records of how much money was paid to the families of college basketball players. How else was he going to make sure he got his full15%?

The USTA was ruled most liable for a tennis player being injured after slipping on a wet locker room floor. The association was trying to just have it declared a foot fault.

The U.S. men’s curling team beat Canada to get into the gold medal round. The team is hoping to make it a sweep.

Bernie Sanders’ son is considering a run for Congress. Apparently he wants to get a job because it’s too boring spending his entire day inside the nursing home.

Golfer Greg Norman says he helped restore the relationship between Donald Trump and Australian Prime Minister Malcolm Turnbull. In other words the Great White Shark came to the rescue of the Big Orange Octopus.

Ted Cruz says Democrats are the party of Lisa Simpson. Apparently he must have just watched the episode where Lisa is elected President to clean up the economic disaster left by her predecessor President Trump.

Ted Cruz says Democrats are the party of Lisa Simpson, and the Republicans are the party of Homer and Bart. Which hopefully means he has just never actually watched an entire episode of the program.

A study says global cybercrime costs $600 Billion a year. And that’s just the money being paid to Comcast for Internet service.

A study says nearly half of all U.S. parents are worried that their kids are addicted to mobile devices. The other half isn’t sure because their kids never pick up or return any texts.

A study says nearly half of all U.S. parents are worried that their kids are addicted to mobile devices. The other half are dads.

NASA’s new spacesuit has a build in toilet for astronauts. Which means that every day the device embarks on a different mission to Uranus. (It’s old, it’s juvenile, it’s uncalled for. But it’s always funny!)

A study says most firearm owners don’t store their guns properly. To which many of them say that sometimes you just can’t find a hammer when you need to drive a few nails.

A study says most firearm owners don’t store their guns properly. Especially the ones who gave researchers visiting their homes three seconds to get off their porch.

Tennessee has been rated as the “angriest” state. Which was pretty much based on them being the state with the highest winning percentage of people voting for Donald Trump.

Tennessee has been rated as the “angriest” state. It would have been Mississippi, but with their obesity problem they were instead rated as the “hangriest” state.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! It is Friday, which I am sure you are well aware of by now. That gives me a couple of days to rest and relax before getting back to the joke writing, and it gives all of you a couple of days to rest and relax before having to read them. Everybody wins. Of course I always consider it a “W” when all of you remember to always keep on sending the love!


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