Thursday, February 22, 2018

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers! From the most prolific joke writer on the planet...!


Jim Bakker is back on the air pushing the coming apocalypse. Should we listen to someone warning us of an approaching catastrophe who didn’t see what was going to happen with Jessica Hahn?

The Dallas Mavericks are being investigated over sexual misconduct claims. Otherwise known as the NBA business model.

Experts are warning that Artificial Intelligence can be used by dictators, criminals and terrorists to manipulate elections. Now where did they ever get that idea?

A robot dog has been taught to fight back against humans. Don’t we already have that? They are called pit bulls.

Gaza will start pumping sewage straight into the sea because of a power crisis. Although it turns out the water supply is still cleaner than in Flint, Michigan.

Gaza will start pumping sewage straight into the sea because of a power crisis. Which shows their strategy is to fight one crisis by making a bigger crisis.

A Spanish rapper has been sent to prison over lyrics glamorizing terrorism. He should have been like U.S. rappers and just glamorized guns, drugs and ‘hos.

The temperature in Denver dropped 72 degrees in 40 hours. Although it’s easy for anything to fall a long ways when it starts out at a mile high.

A hotel magnate is planning to build an inflatable hotel that orbits the Earth. Now what could possibly go wrong with an idea like that?

A hotel magnate is planning to build an inflatable hotel that orbits the Earth. One sign it will happen is the Uber logo that has been placed on the Space Shuttle.

A man fell 500 feet to his death in California while trying to rescue his dog. His last words were “Staaaaayyyyyyyyyy!”

MTV has fired “Teen Mom 2” star David Eason for making a homophobic rant. Apparently MTV draws the line at glamorizing men who knock up 16 year old girls.

A former pilot has written a paper explain the “code words” that most airline passengers don’t understand. Number one being “stay in your seat.”

Ashton Kutcher revealed in an article how he got over his divorce with Demi Moore. Which was made easier by getting paid a fortune to be on “Two and a Half Men,” dating Hollywood starlets and marrying Mila Kunis.

Lindsey Vonn’s father after her bronze medal finish in the downhill says “she needed to risk more.” Although who knows more about risk than someone who used to date Tiger Woods?

Preacher Billy Graham has died at 99. He spent his life traveling the world telling people to live their lives by the teachings of the Bible. Well, it was a nice try.

Preacher Billy Graham has died at 99. Upon hearing the news, Larry King said “Why is it always the good ones who die so young?”

A couple marooned on an Australian island were rescued after writing “Help!” in the sand. Although they must not have been Australian themselves as if they were, they would have written “How about a lift, mate?”

A couple marooned on an Australian island were rescued after writing “Help!” in the sand. People were amazed at the story. There are still people who know how to write using something other than a cellphone or laptop.

Construction has begun to replace two miles of the border wall in California. Which may stop three people from coming across the border, but won’t do anything for the other 5 Million who will figure out how to just walk around it.

Students across the U.S. are facing punishment for skipping school to join anti-gun demonstrations. Which is ironic in that the safest place to be these days is anywhere other than on school grounds.

Bill Gates flunked a quiz of grocery store prices by Ellen DeGeneres. Although he says it wasn’t fair and that he would have done better if she had asked the price of a 75 room ocean-view mansion outside of Seattle.

Bill Gates flunked a quiz of grocery store prices by Ellen DeGeneres. It’s a good thing for him she didn’t ask the price of a haircut to which he would have said “$3.50.”

Data says the biggest home sales gains are with houses priced $500,000-750,000. Mostly because the executives who just got their bonuses from the Trump tax cuts saw the best way to spend it was on yet another vacation beach home.

Donald Trump’s top economic advisor sees a 3% GDP growth this year. Meaning all the gains in the economy will go to the top 3%.

Fast food delivery is coming to people’s doorsteps, although the fees add up quickly. But the real downside is when customers realize that the Uber driver making the delivery has eaten all their fries.

Cinemark won’t allow large bags inside its theaters anymore. Apparently they are tired of people bringing their own snacks and missing out on the $45 the concession stand charges for Junior Mints, popcorn and a Coke.

A survey says 54% of Americans say they won’t use self-driving cars. Apparently they like to have something else to do to keep them busy while they are texting.

A study says working nights may increase the risk for diabetes. Which with the typical American diet means it is almost as much of a risk for people working mornings, evenings or weekends.

A study says working rotating shifts may increase the risk for diabetes. Especially for the people who find their time at work is spent rotating between their desk and the break room vending machines.

A psychology professor says if 50% of a person’s photos are selfies, they may suffer from “selfitis,” a sign of low self-esteem. If 80% of the photos are selfies they may be obsessive, and if they are all selfies they are a Kardashian.

A U.S. panel has recommended a new adult vaccine for Hepatitis B. The only problem is there is no demand as people only want everyone to know it when they have the much more celebrity chic Hepatitis C.

A study says excessive alcohol is linked to early-onset dementia. To which most heavy drinkers just say everyone should be so lucky to wake up every morning and be able to see what the future holds for them.

A report says nurses claim that sexual harassment from male patients is common at hospitals. Especially when dealing with the philandering men whose wives put them there in the first place.

Donald Trump is pushing health insurance plans that don’t cover preexisting conditions. Like the willful ignorance of the cost of health care being endured by the middle class.

The Florida House won’t discuss gun control but has declared porn a public health risk. Especially for men who don’t see their wives walk into the room when they have just logged onto Pornhub.

The Florida House won’t discuss gun control but has declared porn a public health risk. Although most men don’t seem to mind the danger of going online and staring right into a pair of 38s.

67 year old Jane Seymour has posed for the latest edition of Playboy. Mostly because it’s hard to find any women under 50 who have ever even heard of Playboy.

A survey says 94% of women in entertainment have experienced sexual misconduct. The other 6% worked exclusively on Broadway musicals.

Mavericks owner Mark Cuban was fined $600,000 by the NBA for telling his team that “losing is the best option.” Although looking at the past few seasons, it’s obvious that losing is the only option.

Mavericks owner Mark Cuban was fined $600,000 by the NBA for telling his team that “losing is the best option.” And forking over 600 large shows that the NBA helped him make that idea come true.

Former 49ers linebacker Gary Plummer says he suffered 2,500 concussions in his NFL career. The good news is that now makes him eligible to become the league’s commissioner.

Former 49ers linebacker Gary Plummer says he suffered 2,500 concussions in his NFL career. That is the most serious brain damage for any Plummer other than the ones caught at the Watergate Hotel. (and yes, I know it's "plumber...!")

A report says use of Tinder and Pornhub in the Olympic Village have skyrocketed during the Games. The sequence is that the ones who can’t get anywhere on Tinder eventually end up on Pornhub.

A Russian curler has returned his bronze medal after testing positive for a drug that increases circulation in the brain. Mostly so he wouldn’t fall asleep like everyone else in the middle of a curling match.

A British cricket player called out golfer Kevin Na for his slow play. How bad is it when you are told to speed up by someone who is in a sport where a typical game takes three to five days?

Tesla is being accused of knowingly selling defective vehicles. No one even knew that Tesla dealers were also selling Chryslers, Fords and GMs.

A massive dust storm turned an entire town orange. When people heard the news, they thought it was just a metaphor for what happened in 2016 to Washington, D.C.

A study says hate groups are on the rise in the U.S. Although most people remember the days when those used to be called “political parties.”

A study says British consumers are wasting $300 Million a year on slow and unreliable broadband. No one even knew that the UK was now using AOL.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Sad news with the passing of Billy Graham at age 99 as I mentioned earlier. I am not a religious person (could you tell?) but I always felt of all the TV preachers, he is the one who seemed to be actually sincere. Most of the preachers are all about the $$ but he just seemed to want to help people live a better existence. He didn’t seem to live an extravagant lifestyle and always stayed on message. He was one of the few never caught up in a scandal. It’s nice to know that at least one of those TV ministers actually practiced what he preached. Although I would like to see his son pick up on that a bit more. You know, “judge not lest ye be judged!” I try not to judge anyone. I just rip them up with my jokes and let everyone else do the judging. I actually try to practice what I preach, which is what I always ask of you in making my day by remembering to keep on sending the love!


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