Wednesday, February 21, 2018

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers! From the most prolific joke writer on the planet...!


A California surgeon is being accused of sexual harassment during surgery. Apparently he thinks he is some kind of smooth operator.

A study says the average American has 60 bad days a year. 52 of those are every Sunday when they wonder if they will still have a job to go to on Monday.

A study says the average American has 60 bad days a year. The good news is that 59 of those are done with by the time we are finished with February.

California is weighing permanent restrictions on water wasters. The hard part will be when those people have to wash their Mercedes Benz with bottles of Perrier.

Amazon’s patents for worker-tracking bracelets is raising concerns with privacy groups. Especially for the ones with chains that go around workers’ ankles.

A poll says most Americans support the GOP tax law. Until they realize it doesn’t affect them because they don’t have enough income to tax in the first place.

Daniel Craig reportedly left fans baffled with a “waxy” appearance at the British BAFTA Awards show. Which was explained when after the awards he was loaded onto a truck and taken over to Madame Tussauds.

Google is hoping that Artificial Intelligence can spot heart disease by scanning people’s eyes. The first clue is when their retinas become 100% dilated anytime they even catch a glimpse of a donut.

A South Korean cryptocurrency regulator was found dead in his home. The good news is his family can now use the money to buy him a crypt.

A study says alcohol may play a big part in people living past 90. Especially the ones who want to drink away the fact they won’t be able to retire until they reach 93.

A Tennessee inmate escaped for the sixth time. Although he keeps coming back every time he realizes it’s better to be in prison than living in Tennessee.

A Tennessee inmate escaped for the sixth time. Hopefully the state prison system will get the funding it needs this year to be able to afford some cell door locks.

A missing Uber driver in Los Angeles has been found alive. People feared the worst that he may have given a ride to former Uber CEO Travis Kalanick.

A Washington State gun shop owner has stopped selling AR-15s to people under 21. He wants to make sure all his customers can have the full enjoyment of owning an assault rifle by being able to buy alcohol for when they want to go shooting.

A Washington State gun shop owner has stopped selling AR-15s to people under 21. Anyone younger will have to be satisfied with owning an AK-47, semiautomatic Ruger, M-16, Uzi, Smith & Wesson, Glock…

Coldilocks, the oldest polar bear in the U.S. has died at age 37. The sad part is that it got so used to global warming it caught its death of a cold.

Louisville must forfeit its 2013 NCAA Basketball Championship. The good news is the players on that team are hoping the school can win another before they actually ever graduate.

Venezuela has launched an oil-backed cryptocurrency. Which could turn out to be almost as big a scam as the oil industry.

A report says many Winter Olympic athletes face hard financial times. With some of the competitors finding it difficult to even put food on the table, it’s no wonder they have an event called the “skeleton.”

An Illinois man who fell to his death at Yellowstone National Park was looking for a rumored hidden cache of gold. Unfortunately the only kind of treasure he will be able to look for now is buried.

Donald Trump is proposing to loosen limits for cheaper, less comprehensive healthcare plans. Which are otherwise known as paying cash.

A Morgan Stanley strategist says several stock market corrections are likely through 2018. The problem is for the people who see their portfolios “corrected” back to where they were in 2008.

Wal-Mart heirs lost $14 Billion as stock prices fell because of sputtering online growth. If it gets any worse, the family members may face the ultimate embarrassment of having to shop at Wal-Mart.

Wal-Mart heirs lost $14 Billion as stock prices fell because of sputtering online growth. Mostly because no one thought ahead to realize most Wal-Mart customers have no idea how to work a computer.

Several agencies around the world are calling for a “meat tax” to combat global warming and obesity. Although others claim there is no climate change, it’s just that the obesity from eating meat makes it feel like it’s really hot outside.

Jeff Bezos is building a 10,000 year clock as a symbol for long term thinking. Meaning that it will take 10,000 years for the average Amazon worker to save enough money to retire.

Jeff Bezos is building a 10,000 year clock as a symbol for long term thinking. Although most people think if Bezos really wanted to make it symbolic, he should have made it a cuckoo clock.

Jeff Bezos is building a 10,000 year clock as a symbol for long term thinking. Although most people needed only a few minutes to ask what’s the point of making a 10,000 year clock?

An analysis says out of pocket health care costs will take half of all Social Security income by 2030. Mostly because by then the average Social Security check will be down to $28 a month.

Uber pulled out of Morocco because of tension with taxis. Not only that, some of their drivers found it difficult to keep passengers from falling off the camel’s hump.

Uber pulled out of Morocco because of tension with taxis. The company is just happy they have a headline containing the word “tension” that wasn’t caused by any company executives.

The Trump Administration is looking at options for student debt. Especially the students who got swindled into handing all their money over to Trump University.

The Trump Administration is looking at options for student debt. Mostly because they will have plenty of time to go bankrupt after they graduate and can’t find a decent paying job.

Donald Trump is reportedly looking at options for student debt. And who better to come up with a solution than someone who has declared bankruptcy six times?

Grocery store Albertsons is planning to buy the Rite Aid drugstore chain. Mostly so Albertsons customers will have access to remedies for the effects of buying food made up mostly of salt, fat and sugar.

Donald Trump, Jr. says the poverty stricken people of India can teach some of the world’s richest a lesson. Mostly to never let themselves become poor like that.

A study says counting calories is not the key to weight loss. Especially for the people who keep track of the calories even though they are eating enough for three people.

A study says light exercise helps people live longer. Unless the only exercise they get is the walk from the couch to the refrigerator and back.

A Florida woman got a hospital visit from her horse. The good news is that she is now listed in stable condition.

A Florida woman got a hospital visit from her horse. Doctors say she should soon be right back in the saddle.

A study says TV medical dramas may cultivate false expectations in patients and families. Like thinking the patients will be cured and be able to afford the bills.

Thomas Friedman issued a code red warning to American that Donald Trump is a threat to the integrity of out democracy. Although if he was really serious about Trump he would have issued a code orange.

Fox News is launching a streaming service for “superfans.” Meaning it will be a closed circuit feed that will be sent directly to the Oval Office.

A Kansas City Chiefs player wants to have “M.D.” put on his jersey when he graduates from medical school. As opposed to the Cincinnati Bengals, who are considering replacing players’ names with their inmate numbers.

A Kansas City Chiefs player wants to have “M.D.” put on his jersey when he graduates from medical school. Mostly so the other players know he is now qualified to write them painkiller and steroid prescriptions.

Mavericks owner Mark Cuban says tanking may be the team’s best option. The only problem is if they do start tanking, how can anyone even tell?

Tiger Woods and Steve Stricker have been named Ryder Cup vice captains. Meaning Stricker is there to keep Woods from getting back into all his vices.

A U.S. Olympic biathlon competitor is against citizens owning assault weapons. Apparently he feels people should be limited to carrying around assault rifles while they are on a pair of skis.

Louisville will forfeit the 2013 NCAA Basketball Title because of recruiting with stripper parties. Which shows they are smarter than the other colleges who thought they could actually attract top athletes by explaining degree programs.

O.J. Simpson’s movie chair from “The Naked Gun 33 1/3: The Final Insult” is up for auction. It’s the chair he sat in during the entire filming yelling “Cut!”

O.J. Simpson’s movie chair from “The Naked Gun 33 1/3: The Final Insult” is up for auction. It is rumored it will be bought and returned to O.J. by Fred Goldman who has always wanted to give him the chair.

Fergie has broken her silence on her rendition of the National Anthem at the NBA All-Star Game. Although breaking her silence is how the whole controversy started.

Donald Trump is aiming to boost U.S. arms exports. Apparently he wants to give the countries we will eventually invade a sporting chance.

A poll says 66% of Americans want stricter gun control laws. The other 34% say they need more guns to hold off the 66%.

Jennifer Lawrence says she will take a year off from acting to “fix our democracy.” Although looking back, she probably should have instead taken off that year she spent making “Mother!”

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! This is probably the best batch of jokes I have written…since yesterday. Mostly because yesterday’s weren’t that good. At least compared to today’s. I think. Well, they all need a little work. One of these days, I will get this thing down. Then you will all be sorry. That you wasted your time before then. I am just glad you check out the jokes every day. Feel free to spread the word about them to all your friends and family. And tell them all I said hi. I enjoy doing this on a daily basis as it keeps my mind off the other things I also need work on but don’t want to put the time into. My greatest reward from this, since I don’t get any cash is when you all remember to always keep on sending the love!



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