Tuesday, February 20, 2018

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers! From the most prolific joke writer on the planet...!


NBC announced the wrong gold medal winner in the Women’s Super-G event, then botched the correction. No one even knew they hired Steve Harvey on their announcing crew.

NBC announced the wrong gold medal winner in the Women’s Super-G event, then botched the correction. Which came as no surprise to women who are used to men not being able to find the Super-G spot.

French ice dancer Gabriella Papadakis had a wardrobe malfunction during her routine that exposed one of her breasts. The good news is that she has already been booked for next year’s Super Bowl Halftime Show.

A Russian curler reportedly failed their drug test at the Olympics. It was the first association of drugs with curling other than the spectators downing large quantities of No-Doz.

North Korean athletes are reportedly afraid of being sent to gulags after failing to medal. In other words, they will have to keep living in North Korea.

“No cash” signs everywhere in Sweden have some people worried the country has gone too far. As opposed in America where the only no cash issue is with what people have in their wallets.

A man walking in New York City died after being hit by a falling piece of a fire escape. Although the way the market has been acting, he could have just as easily been hit by a falling stock broker.

Bravo stars reportedly have to sign an “STD clause” saying they won’t sue the network if they become infected. Which sounds like they are planning to start a new show starring Paris Hilton.

Bravo stars reportedly have to sign an “STD clause” saying they won’t sue the network if they become infected. Except for the stars of “Below Deck” on a cruise liner who just have to sign a clause about the norovirus.

Bravo stars reportedly have to sign an “STD clause” saying they won’t sue the network if they become infected. It’s a good thing “Duck Dynasty” wasn’t aired on their channel or the stars would have had to sign a clause over the avian flu.

New sex scene rules have been proposed for film actors in the wake of the #MeToo movement. The bad news for Hollywood is if nude scenes are cut from movies, the average film time will drop to six and a half minutes.

A report says billionaires are buying homes in Kansas to escape the inevitable apocalypse. The only problem is that when living in Kansas, how would they be able to tell when it happens?

Goldman Sachs is warning that U.S. spending is nearing “unchartered territory.” The question is, after digging a hole of $20 Trillion in debt why are people starting to become concerned now?

Goldman Sachs is warning that U.S. spending is nearing “unchartered territory.” And who would know better than the company that almost singlehandedly started the 2007 economic meltdown?

Viewers slammed Fergie for her rendition of the National Anthem at the NBA All-Star Game. It was so bad, even the people in the stands were taking a knee.

Viewers slammed Fergie for her rendition of the National Anthem at the NBA All-Star Game. Even Rosanne was saying “I’m finally off the hook!”

A report says John Kelly and the Secret Service had a skirmish with Chinese security officials over the nuclear “football” last November. Mostly because they got worried when Donald Trump kept yelling “I’m open!”

A Japanese electric hypercar set a record going 0-60 in under two seconds. Which is way better than the L.A. 405 Freeway record of 0-5 mph in just under three hours.

A Japanese electric hypercar set a record going 0-60 in under two seconds. Most drivers are against speeds like that, as getting where they are going that fast takes away the time they use for sending texts.

An expert says humans could achieve immortality by 2050. Although first we have to get through the next three years to see if we’ll still even have a planet by then.

A Georgia school will start using hair samples to test students for drugs. Mostly because they know the kids have a better chance of passing that than a literacy test.

A Georgia man was shot to death by an Uber EATS driver. Which is now going to be known around the state as Uber EAT THIS!

A New York City cab driver was beaten over an $18 fare. Which was more understandable when it was brought out the ride was for three blocks.

A New York City cab driver was beaten over an $18 fare. Which wouldn’t have happened if the cabbie had used some of the money for a new air freshener.

A runaway cow in Poland escaped by swimming to a desert island. It really took the “kill” out of kielbasa.

A report says German Olympic athletes are drinking hundreds of gallons of non-alcoholic beer. Or as Bode Miller puts it, drinking beer with no alcohol is about the same as racing the slalom on dirt.

Google says it hopes Artificial Intelligence can predict heart disease by looking at people’s retinas. He irony being when the heart disease is caused from sitting in a chair 16 hours a day using Google.

Google says it hopes Artificial Intelligence can predict heart disease by looking at people’s retinas. The hard part will be seeing the retinas through eyes that are bloodshot from staring at a computer screen all day.

L.A., Moscow and New York City top a list of the most gridlocked cities in the world. To which the members of Congress are saying “Amateurs!”

A report says Millennials are making less money than previous generations. Which is OK because it’s not like they have to spend a lot of money with no dates, taking Uber everywhere and living in their parents’ basement.

Driverless taxis will be available in Phoenix later this year. The hard part was getting them to blend in with the traffic patterns of Arizona by never going faster than 20 mph and always driving with the left turn signal on.

KFC in the UK has temporarily run out of chicken. Which is not that big of a deal considering that Taco Bell hasn’t had any deliveries of beef since 1996.

GM is set to close a plant in South Korea as part of a restructuring. Which wouldn’t be necessary if they had restructured their vehicles to be more like Hyundais.

The airline industry is protesting a proposal by Donald Trump to hike passenger fees by $3 Billion a year. Mostly because they are saying they thought of it first.

Health tracking wearables are now available for babies. The sad part is that most parents like the fact they can be monitored through the babies’ iPhones.

False death rumors have been spread about Sylvester Stallone. Unlike his career which wasn’t able to survive “Stop! Or My Mom Will Shoot.”

“Blade Runner 2049” won the top prize from the Society of Cinematographers. Mostly for the achievement of making Harrison Ford look younger than 87.

Red Sox owner John Henry says talk of collusion in free-agent negotiations “ridiculous.” He says his first reaction when asked about it is to say “Nyet!”

Red Sox owner John Henry says talk of collusion in free-agent negotiations “ridiculous.” Mostly because free agency was what put an end to collusions between the owners back in the 1970s.

Austin Dillon and his crew all got tattoos on their backsides after winning the Daytona 500. Which is only fitting as that’s where he spent the entire race.

MLB Commissioner Rob Manfred says mound visits will be limited in 2018. The sad part is that Cincinnati needs them all to go out and point to the pitchers where home plate is located.

NBA Commissioner Adam Silver says changes to the 1-16 playoff format has gotten “serious consideration.” Mostly with the idea of just letting all 30 teams into the playoffs and playing year round.

Lindsey Vonn says she is playing “mind games” with her Winter Olympics opponents. Apparently her strategy was to purposely finish 6th in her first event so she could win the others by surprise.

The Mets GM says Tim Tebow “will play in the majors.” Meaning he won’t ever be suiting up for the Mets.

The Portland Trailblazers reimbursed Charles Barkley $1,197 for a trip he made to visit the team back in the 1990s. If that same trip were made today, it would cost them ten times that much just for the beer and nachos.

John Daly made a hole-in-one at the Chubb Classic. No one even knew that Daly was the sponsor of his own tournament.

History experts have picked Donald Trump as the worst President ever. Which sounds like a rush to judgment as he still has three years left to become the worst world leader ever anywhere.

History experts have picked Donald Trump as the worst President ever. The irony is that Lincoln was picked as first, whom Trump says he will be better than. The good news is that he just has to pass 44 others to get there.

History experts have picked Donald Trump as the worst President ever. To which George W. Bush is saying, “Wow, that was sure fast!”

The Washington Post says a White House official called the Florida shooting “a reprieve from negative coverage.” Which is ironic as the statement pretty much put an end to that idea.

A report says nearly 75% of Americans 17-24 can’t serve in the military because of health, criminal or education issues. Which is so much different than what is was like in the 1970s when Donald Trump got out of the military just with bone spurs.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Here I am writing a bunch of bad attempts at jokes when it is sunny outside and approaching 80 degrees here in West Virginia. Really nothing to rant about with a rare day like this. Going to go out and enjoy some rare winter sunshine and warmth. The only thing that could make this day any better will be when all of you remember to always keep on sending the love!



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