Friday, February 02, 2018

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers! From the most prolific joke writer on the planet...!

2,000 surveillance cameras are in place around Minneapolis ahead of the Super Bowl. Roger Goodell will do anything to try to finally catch Tom Brady in the act.

A report says the New England Patriots role as villains is helping the NFL’s ratings. What is this, the Super Bowl or WrestleMania?

87 year old Clint Eastwood is eyeing a return to acting. The problem is the only role he can play would be the lead in a biopic about Larry King.

A 12 year old girl is in custody for shooting two kids at a school in California. Which could be a sign that some people are taking the #MeToo thing a bit far.

A 12 year old girl is in custody for shooting two kids at a school in California. Apparently she was going after the boy she claims gave her cooties.

A report says there are 55,000 homeless people living on the street in L.A. People were shocked by the news. There are only that many people who can’t afford Los Angeles rent or mortgage payments?

A survey says office romances are at a 10 year low. Which in this time of the #MeToo movement is better known as “job security.”

Amazon has patented a wristband to track warehouse workers’ movements. Don’t we already have that technology? It’s called “leg shackles.”

Representative Maxine Waters is calling for a parental advisory when Donald Trump is on TV. Other people say it would be more appropriate when he speaks to have people assume the nuclear attack position.

A record number of condoms, 37 per athlete will be handed out at the Winter Olympics. Apparently they are precautions of the heat going out in the Olympic Village and athletes doing whatever is necessary to stay warm.

A record number of condoms, 37 per athlete will be handed out at the Winter Olympics. The danger is that anyone using their total allotment could end up testing positive for Viagra.

The New Hampshire high court will hear a case to make topless bathing on beaches legal. Which really shouldn’t be that much of an issue in a state where people can actually sunbathe three days out of the year .

The New Hampshire high court will hear a case to make topless bathing legal. People were surprised. New Hampshire has beaches?

A report says the Earth’s magnetic poles may be about to flip. The feat is in the time between changing its north to south orientation, the planet could become bipolar.

A report says the Earth’s magnetic poles may be about to flip. The worst part will be getting directions from Siri and constantly hearing “Recalculating. Make a U-Turn.”

Donald Trump is calling for the elimination of the Chemical Safety Board. Apparently he thinks it would be a good idea if everyone else also has the exact same healthy orange tint.

Donald Trump boasted of the highest viewership total ever for a State of the Union speech. When it was pointed out that other presidents had larger numbers, he says their viewers were made up of millions of illegals.

The CDC will cut epidemic prevention activities by 80% as the agency is running out of money. Apparently they have been directed to only help out the other 20% of countries that have not been officially designated as “s--tholes.”

Canada will make its anthem “O Canada” gender neutral. There is also an effort to make it more nationalized by changing it to “Eh, Canada?”

Canada will make its anthem “O Canada” gender neutral. They were worried about playing the anthem at a sporting event and having Caitlyn Jenner take a knee.

United has joined Delta in tightening rules for comfort animals on flights. Especially with United workers reluctant to throw passengers off flights because they are sitting next to their emotional support pit bull.

Dogfish Head’s new beer contains the same ingredients as mace. Which is great for women who when a man buys them a beer can throw it in their face when they start to get creepy.

UPS says their tax savings will go back into investments. In other words, the company is pledging to find a way to turn green back into brown.

Sears has secured loans totaling $210 Million to stay in business. Which means only one thing. There is a lender out there that really needed to come up with a write-off.

A report says U.S. workers’ productivity dropped towards the end of 2017. Mostly because workers’ output tends to go down as their eggnog consumption goes up.

Elon Musk’s flamethrowers sold out in five days. Which is now part of the Republican agenda to blame them for any further increases in global warming.

Starbucks is launching its own Visa card. It’s for more affluent customers who can pay off their monthly bill without having to take out a second mortgage.

A study says people can lose five pounds a year just by standing. Especially when it replaces the time they normally spend sitting down in front of a plate of nachos.

New Mexico may require students to spell out their future plans before they can graduate high school. Which means they are all pretty much out of luck if it involves putting it into an essay.

New Mexico may require students to spell out their future plans before they can graduate high school. Which for most will be using their high school education to enable them to fill out the forms to collect unemployment.

New Mexico may require students to spell out their future plans before they can graduate high school. Which won’t be that big of a deal since it will only involve the 2% of New Mexico students who will actually graduate high school.

A study says NFL players may die earlier than their peers. It’s getting so bad they had to change the overtime format to do away with the term “sudden death.”

A study says NFL players may die earlier than their peers. The good news is that gives them a pretty good chance to die before their brains go to mush from CTE.

A study says that migraines are tied to the risk of heart disease and strokes. Especially for the headaches caused when they get their cardiologist bill.

India wants to give a half billion people free health care. To which Donald Trump says they can just have all the Obamacare policies he took away from everyone here.

Calvin Harris says he grew a beard to be taken seriously. Which all pretty much went away the day he got dumped by Taylor Swift.

Prince William and Duchess Kate are planning a visit later this month to Norway. Which shows the Royal Family is on the same page with Donald Trump in only recognizing countries that aren’t “s--tholes.”

Robert Wagner is being called a “person of interest” in the 1981 drowning death of Natalie Wood. Which is fine with Wagner who at 87 is just happy to be referred to as a person of interest.

Aaron Rogers says he wants to play as long as Tom Brady. Which would be a lot more likely if he would be quarterbacking a team that finishes better than 7-9.

The NFL has tightened media security after the Tom Brady stolen jersey incident last year. The league wants to make sure that it is only the gamblers betting on the wrong team that end up losing their shirts.

A survey says 14 Million people plan to call in sick the Monday after the Super Bowl. Mostly the ones who end up attending a Super Bowl party catered by Chipotle.

A survey says 14 Million people plan to call in sick the Monday after the Super Bowl. Mostly the ones who drink too much and go from watching the Super Bowl to spending the night with their head in the porcelain bowl.

Justin Timberlake won’t say who he is rooting for in the Super Bowl. Just like he really didn’t care the last time he was there if he exposed Janet Jackson’s left or right breast.

Blake Griffin says he found out the Clippers traded him to Detroit on Twitter. Even worse was the news came on a tweet sent out by Donald Trump.

Apple reported record holiday sales of $88 Billion. That means they went into double digits each on sales of iPhones, iPads and iMacs.

Apple reported record holiday sales of $88 Billion. Which means that while the federal government is giving people a tax break, there is no such deal when it comes to the Apple Tax.

Google topped the $100 Billion mark in yearly sales for the first time. The only question is what exactly is it they are selling?

Google topped the $100 Billion mark in yearly sales for the first time. Which must be true because the company says they looked it up on Google.

An artist turned his own blood into cryptocurrency. Which is old news with the IRS which has been taking payments in blood for years.

A report says biometrics could replace boarding passes with airlines within four years. The problem will be with United passengers whose faces aren’t recognizable with missing teeth and broken noses after they are dragged off their flight.

Geraldo Rivera told Sean Hannity if he was around back then, Nixon wouldn’t have been forced to resign. The same is true if HomeAdvisor.com was around so Nixon could have looked up some better plumbers.

Geraldo Rivera told Sean Hannity if he was around back then, Nixon wouldn’t have been forced to resign. Sucking up to Hannity that much made Geraldo look like if he had been around back then, he would have been the one playing Deep Throat.

A survey says Donald Trump’s first State of the Union speech exceeded the expectations of most Americans. But then it also exceeded most their expectations when he was able to read the entire speech himself off a teleprompter.

 A survey says Donald Trump’s first State of the Union speech exceeded the expectations of most Americans. Mostly because he left the podium at the end of the speech without having started World War III.

Former CIA Director Leon Panetta says if Donald Trump releases the GOP memo about the FBI it could cause a “constitutional crisis.” Which since Trump was elected most people in Washington, D.C. know a constitutional crisis as “Tuesday.”

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Super Sunday is this weekend, with the Patriots taking on the Eagles. There will be the gnashing of teeth, the breaking of bones and the fight for territory. And that’s just the people watching the game at Buffalo Wild Wings. I am going to do my usual and just stay home watching the game on TV and eating pizza. At my age that is about as much as I can take. I hope you all have a great weekend and I’ll see you with more gags next week. Fortunately I won’t be all that involved in the Super Bowl as I have no skin in the game as a Raiders fan. But I still can’t help but to have a great weekend when all of you remember to always keep on sending the love!




1 comment:

S.N.K News said...

One more funny Indian pic is here I saw it here
sharmaji ka beta