Sunday, February 18, 2018

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers! From the most prolific joke writer on the planet...!


A study says taxing Amazon, Apple and Facebook would pay for a universal income. Which would make up for people with no job because they are on Facebook all day, no pay because they work at Amazon and finally a refund on the Apple tax.

A report says road trip vacations in the U.S. are rising. Mostly by families driving around looking for a place they can actually afford to live.

A report says road trip vacations in the U.S. are rising. Some people will do anything to go somewhere without having to be terrorized at some point by the TSA.

A report says road trip vacations in the U.S. are rising. The length of the trip depends on how fast an entire family can get picked up while hitchhiking.

Robert Mueller has indicted 13 Russians who worked with “unwitting” participants in the White House. In other words, if it wasn’t the Russians who meddled in our elections, it would have been some Nigerian princes.

Data says this could be the lowest rated Olympics ever. Organizers are doing everything they can to spur some interest, including getting Bode Miller to start drinking and Ryan Lochte to vandalize a restroom.

Swiss skiers have come down with the Norovirus at the Olympics. Apparently it was a bad idea to travel to the Games on a Carnival cruise ship.

Swiss skiers have come down with the Norovirus at the Olympics. They are doing whatever they can to keep their runs just on the slopes.

Clarence Thomas has decried the “victimhood” culture. Which is ironic as most people claim they have been victimized by poor decisions by the Supreme Court.

Clarence Thomas has decried the “victimhood” culture. Like that guy back in 1991 who claimed he was the victim of a “high-tech lynching.”

A report says Apple employees keep running into glass walls at company headquarters. Which is nothing new for the women there who for years have been running into the glass on the ceiling.

A report says Apple employees keep running into glass walls at company headquarters. Which is good to know that even Apple workers are suffering from not being able to look away from the screen of their iPhones.

A study says coffee beans are good for birds. Which finally answers how they are can get up early enough to catch the worm.

An admiral is warning that we must be prepared for possible war with China. Meaning that if we attack them, that’s pretty much the end of Amazon and Wal-Mart.

An admiral is warning that we must be prepared for possible war with China. And with Donald trump in the White House, that means we should also be prepared for war with Russia, Iran, Syria, North Korea…

A modeling agency in London celebrates models with imperfections. Which in England means some of them even have straight teeth.

A modeling agency in London celebrates models with imperfections. Some of the women they have hired actually weigh more than 75 pounds.

A report says light penalties are given to most people caught texting while driving. Mostly because how much more punishment do they need after crashing into a tree?

John Kelly has ordered an overhaul of the security clearance process for top administration officials. Which is a big step at the White House where they can’t even get the Secret Service to remember to lock all the entry doors.

Donald Trump responded to the indictment of 13 Russians by saying it shows there was no collusion. Which would be a lot more comforting to Americans than knowing it means we just got duped by a bunch of amateur foreign agents.

The Mueller investigation shows Russians conducted “information warfare” on the U.S. elections. Which upsets many Americans who know that is the job of the media.

Ethiopia has declared a state of emergency due to anti-government protests. Which is at least a change of pace from the usual state of emergency declarations there for famine, drought and poverty.

PayPal has been pulled in to the investigation of Russians meddling in the 2016 elections. The reason was Russian agents using it under the name of “PayComrade.”

A survey says 77% of Americans say credit card debt is unattractive. The irony is when people go into debt using their cards for a face lift, nose job and tummy tuck.

A survey says 77% of Americans say credit card debt is unattractive. People are much more respectful of people who keep their debts to college, car and home loans.

A report says Millennials prefer to get tested for STDs through the mail. It would be much more practical if they could be tested digitally since most of their infections originated from swiping right on their cellphones.

Campbell’s says soup sales are down 7%. Mostly from people looking for a variety after spending most of their lunch and dinner time at the local soup kitchen.

The CDC says the flu shot was 36% effective which is better than was thought. How bad is it when government agencies get excited at any success rate better than 30%?

Steve Wynn will lose hundreds of millions of dollars in severance pay by resigning from Wynn Resorts. Even worse is forfeiting his lifetime pass to every casino buffet in town.

Steve Wynn will lose hundreds of millions of dollars in severance pay by resigning from Wynn Resorts. Which means he will have to make a living just on the cash he is able to skim from the tables.

Alaska Airlines is offering passengers free wine on National Drink Wine Day. Which is different from the meals they serve on Eat Some Crappy, Overpriced, Poorly Prepared Food Day.

Alaska Airlines is offering passengers free wine on National Drink Wine Day. Which was much better than for the people who flew with United on Get Your Rear End Dragged Off a Plane Day.

A report says there has been a rise of student loans with balances of $50,000 or more. The worst part is the only way to be able to pay off that much money is by getting a college degree in finance.

Mattel is shutting down its line of high-tech Barbie dolls and going back to focusing on basics like baking and cooking. Which shows Donald Trump is succeeding on his promise to take America back to 1957.

Apple has passed Wells Fargo as the top holding of Warren Buffett. Who needs a bank when you have a company like Apple that can just print its own money?

A study says everyday products like perfume, hairspray and deodorants are as big a source of air pollution as cars. Which is ironic for people who use those products so they don’t end up smelling like smog.

A UK man drove his car 20,000 miles across three continents on a pub adventure. Apparently it was just too far a distance to cover it the usual way by crawling.

Duchess Kate stresses appreciating childhood “while it lasts.” Like her father-in-law Charles who is almost 70 and has still never actually had a job.

Oprah says she is waiting to hear from God about running for President in 2020. To which Donald Trump is whispering “Don’t do it…”

William Shatner has signed on with a country music label. He has decided to boldly go where everyone is telling him “please don’t.”

William Shatner has signed on with a country music label. Which is sad to see someone whose show business career is over to keep trying to Klingon.

Kenneth Haigh, known as the “angry young man” of the British stage has died at 86. The sad part is being typecast like that meant he hadn’t worked the past 60 years.

Bubba Wallace will make history as the first black driver in the Daytona 500 since 1969. He already made history as the first black person ever to be called “Bubba.”

Tiger Woods is playing back-to-back tournaments for the first time since last year. Unfortunately, playing two weeks in a row is the only way he can get in four days of competitive golf anymore.

Lonzo Ball says he “always just plays,” as opposed to his dad LaVar who “always talks.” Which should be embarrassing when you are 50 and your son shows he has already acquired a lot more wisdom.

Former Miami Marlins owner Jeffrey Loria bought eh team for $158 Million and sold it for $1.2 Billion but is claiming a loss on the deal. Which sounds about as honest as Clayton Kershaw filing to collect unemployment.

36 year old Roger Federer has become the oldest man to be ranked number one in tennis. The good news is at least he has a lot of tennis balls around he can put on the legs of his walker.

Twitter has discontinued its Mac desktop app. Mostly because it’s only when people are away from home using their cellphones when they get angry enough to tweet.

An Arizona meteorite was auctioned off for $237,000. That is one shooting star where somebody actually had their wish come true.

 NASA is sending a 1 Million year old piece of Mars back home. To which they are telling the Red Planet, “next time this comes in our yard, we’re keeping it!”

Winn-Dixie and Tops supermarkets are preparing to file for bankruptcy. The question being, how can anyone go broke selling groceries to Americans?

A report says chemicals in household cleaning sprays have the same effect on users as smoking a pack of cigarettes a day. Which means if it weren’t for that, women would be outliving men by another 15 years on top of what they do now.

A study says Florida gets a failing grade on its gun laws. Mostly because the only gun law they have is “Stand Your Ground.”

A study says chemicals in non-stick pans are tied to weight gain. Mostly because the pans are only used to cook cheeseburgers, nachos and bacon.

A study says chemicals in non-stick pans are tied to weight gain. Only because the non-stick surface allows people to get the fatty foods they cook out of the pan.

A study says the Tesla roadster could survive millions of years in space. Mostly because there is no air to allow the car to catch on fire.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Two weeks away from testing for my 2nd degree black belt in Tae Kwon Do. Wish me luck! I will need it. At my age, I am lucky to still be crawling out of bed every day. And even luckier that I have all my readers out there to check out the stuff I try to pass off as comedy. But I feel my luckiest when all of you remember to always keep on sending the love!



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