Friday, February 16, 2018

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers! From the most prolific joke writer on the planet...!

Advocacy groups are warning immigrants about traveling in Florida. Although as long as George Zimmerman is around, it isn’t safe for anyone to travel in Florida.

A report says Silicon Valley singles are giving up on love algorithms. Mostly because they finally realized when it comes to computer geeks, nobody ever swipes right.

A report says Silicon Valley singles are giving up on love algorithms. Which has to go down as the ultimate definition of “irony.”

A mysterious radiation substance has been detected above Alaska. At least we know it has nothing do with the presence of any solar radiation.

A report says billionaires are preparing for the apocalypse by heading to New Zealand. Mostly because who would go to the trouble of dropping a nuclear bomb on 25 Million sheep?

A study says brain injuries were suffered by American diplomats in Cuba. Which were already probably there before for anyone who wanted to work in Cuba.

A fistfight broke out Wednesday on the 105 Freeway in Los Angeles. People remember the days when traffic actually moved enough to where drivers had to settle their arguments with guns.

Women are being urged to ditch low cut gowns and heels at the Berlin Film Festival. It’s amazing what changes have taken place since women no longer have to audition on site for Harvey Weinstein.

A judge dismissed a lawsuit over Taylor Swift’s song lyrics, saying they are too “banal” to copyright. Which means that will prevent any more legal actions over any songs written since 2000.

A Swiss skier ran into several media photographers in a spectacular crash at the Olympics. The good news is the skier was immediately offered a job at the White House.

A partygoer in Pennsylvania is being accused of stealing a thumb from a statue. The question is, who even needs a thumb anymore when they can just call Uber?

A “demonic” 8 year old child was caught on video screaming for an entire eight hour plane flight from Germany to Newark. You would cry, too if you had to sit on a crowded plane for eight hours knowing it was going to end up in New Jersey.

A “demonic” 8 year old child was caught on video screaming for an entire eight hour plane flight from Germany to Newark. Which is the same reaction adults have when they find out they have been booked to fly on United.

A California woman who was fined $5,600 for having poultry in her yard is suing to stop any more fees. Which means it is turning into a game of chicken.

McDonald’s has slimmed down its Happy Meals by not offering them with cheeseburgers or chocolate milk. Which means they are now being marketed as blasé meals.

Tourism in the Maldives has collapsed as a state of emergency continues. In fact, reservations have been canceled for all three people planning to vacation there.

A report says Pope Benedict XVI is suffering from a neurological disease. Apparently he has some kind of God complex.

A report says a hockey rivalry is heating up between the U.S. and Canadian women’s teams at the Olympics. If it gets any worse, Donald Trump may have to propose a wall next along the northern border.

80 year old sportscaster Warner Wolf is suing 77 year old Don Imus for age discrimination. Apparently it was an environment where nobody’s job was safe after they hit 78.

80 year old sportscaster Warner Wolf is suing 77 year old Don Imus for age discrimination. To which Imus’ reaction was “What did he say?”

Senate Democrats are calling for $1 Billion for development of a universal flu vaccine. To which Donald Trump questioned the need for a universal vaccine, saying we aren’t even going to send people to Mars for several more years.

A report says more than 100 White House staffers were working with temporary security clearances a year after the election. Mostly because the FBI was working overtime just to process Omarosa, Anthony Scaramucci and Sean Spicer.

A court has ruled Donald Trump’s travel ban is “tainted with an animus towards Islam.” To which Trump says that isn’t true, he also wants to keep out any Hindus, Buddhists and Sikhs.

A court has ruled Donald Trump’s travel ban is “tainted with an animus towards Islam.” Trump denied the charges, saying none of the countries on the list are even the ones he labeled as “s--tholes.”

An Irish company’s painkiller that used to cost $138 is now up to nearly $3,000. People were surprised. They thought the only painkiller used by the Irish is Guinness Stout.

An Irish company’s painkiller that used to cost $138 is now up to nearly $3,000. To which the American pharmaceutical companies are saying “Amateurs!”

An Irish company’s painkiller that used to cost $138 is now up to nearly $3,000. The worst part is the drug is prescribed for people having to deal with the pain of paying $3,000 for each prescription.

Richard Branson says he believes the government should give everyone a paycheck, whether they have a job or not. Which has already been adopted by Amazon’s Jeff Bezos, who says he pays his people the same as if they weren’t working.

Researchers say the government should consider wiping out all student debt. Mostly for the people who will never pay it back with the income they make with their philosophy degree.

Researchers say the government should consider wiping out all student debt. Which most people say their student loans they can handle. What they need help with is their monthly Starbucks bill.

Researchers say the government should consider wiping out all student debt. Why stop there? How about just also calling off all personal, household and even the national debt?

A billionaire diamond dealer in India is suspected of a huge bank fraud. To which the bank is saying “Hey, we thought of it first!”

Molson Coors has named marijuana as a “risk factor” to their business. Except for Coors Light, where the biggest risk factor to their business is bottled water.

A survey says most workers want to retire by 65. To which employers are saying they can even make it earlier than that when they lay everyone when they reach 55.

Steve Mnuchin says the IRS will release a calculator to help people check the amount of money to be withheld from their paychecks under the new tax law. Although it turns out the calculator just says “Hand it all over.”

A report says a euthanasia drug has been found in cans of wet dog food. The brand with the highest levels is “Alpo Last Meal.”

A report says a euthanasia drug has been found in cans of wet dog food. The brand mostly likely to contain the drug is “Grave Train.”

A study says obesity may give men a survival advantage when it comes to melanoma. Not only that, they help keep others from developing the skin cancer with the large shadow they cast over everyone.

MTV is expanding “Teen Mom” to “Teen Mom: Young and Pregnant.” Which pretty much makes that title a double redundancy.

The Pyeongchang Olympics have already gone $4 Billion over budget. Mostly from having to dig all the fallout shelters in case the event gets caught in the middle of a nuclear war between Donald Trump and Kim Jong-un.

Denver and Las Vegas are among the finalists to host the NFL draft in 2019 and 2020. Mostly because the Broncos and Raiders will be taking the center stage by having the highest draft choices.

U.S. Olympic skiing star Mikaela Shiffrin is on a social media blackout during the Olympics. Already the Kardashian family is ready to head out to Pyeongchang to conduct their own intervention.

Olympic skier Mikaela Shiffrin says she threw up before her first Slalom run. Which means everything went uphill before she went downhill.

Shaquille O’Neal says he is “not offended” that Kobe Bryant says he would have picked LeBron James over Shaq in the 2005 All-Star Game. Mostly because not only is he not offended, but it being Kobe he isn’t surprised either.

Shaquille O’Neal says he is “not offended” that Kobe Bryant says he would have picked LeBron James over Shaq in the 2005 All-Star Game. Although Kobe must be more than a little scared of Shaq to have to wait 13 years to say it.

The NBA awards show is going to be held in L.A. this year. Apparently the league wanted it hosted in an area where they wouldn’t have to worry about the home teams picking up all the trophies.

Charles Barkley says he once played a game while drunk. It was the one time he actually took more shots before the game than during.

Charles Barkley says he once played a game while drunk. Now he only gets drunk before he does “Inside the NBA.”

A U.S. Olympic competitor in the skeleton is named John Daly, just like the golfer. Although there is no mistaking anyone with the term “skeleton” who wears pants with a 54” waist.

EPA Director Scott Pruitt says he flies first class to avoid confrontations on flights and in airports with passengers angry about his policies. Which is ironic that he is the one responsible for creating the country’s most toxic environment.


That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! A successful wrap to yet another week. Meaning I still have a few of you who still check out the blog looking for some good jokes. We can always hope. One thing I hope for is you all have a good weekend. You can make mine great by remembering to always keep on sending the love!


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