Thursday, February 15, 2018

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers! From the most prolific joke writer on the planet...!

NBC’s Olympic viewership dropped 6%, but the network claimed a victory. Mostly because it was still not as bad as the NFL losing 10% of all their viewers.

NBC’s Olympic viewership dropped 6%, but the network claimed a victory. 22 Million people tuned in, which was still about 21½ Million more than they ever get for their prime time lineup.

The FBI Director says the whole of Chinese society is a threat to the U.S. Especially the day they decide to call in all their loans to the government.

The FBI Director says the whole of Chinese society is a threat to the U.S. People are being warned not to let their dogs ever get out of their sight.

Intelligence agencies are warning against using cellphones made in China. They are advising people to use cellphones made in the U.S., just as soon as there ever is a cellphone that is actually made in the U.S.

A missing snow skier from New York State was found 2,900 miles away in Sacramento. That’s the last time he takes the extremely steep expert slope.

A study says songbirds’ brains are designed to find a mate for life. In humans there are similar examples. They are called “women.”

Hollywood private eye Joseph Pellicano is nearing release from prison, saying “People got away with a lot because of me.” Which is ironic in that the one person who didn’t manage to get away with it was him.

A Texas school is being criticized after 6th graders were given an assignment to draw themselves as slaves. Which most did by showing themselves working under an Amazon sign.

Three people are dead and several injured after shootings during Mardi Gras in New Orleans. Apparently people were having too much fun to be bothered shooting the normal number of victims.

A free speech class at Princeton was canceled because of obscenities and racial slurs. Or as that is called at Texas A&M, math class.

Google is testing robots that chat with friends for you. Which is more interesting than chatting with people who do nothing but stare at a phone screen all day.

Google is testing robots that chat with friends for you. Mostly because it’s hard to start a conversation when the only friends you have are people on Facebook you have never met.

A thief in Florida was given the choice of jail or confessing on Facebook Live. There’s a term for people who go online and brag about their crimes. “YouTube star.”

Amazon says sex toys are mysteriously being mailed to strangers. The good news is that because of that, they aren’t strangers for very long.

Donald Trump says “I am totally opposed to domestic violence of any kind.” Mostly because as a billionaire, he prefers the more valued imported violence.

Stormy Daniels says she is now “free to tell her story” after Donald Trump’s attorney made a statement about the case. Which is ironic for someone who apparently doesn’t do anything for free.

Elon Musk’s Tesla roadster that was launched into space won’t be coming back to Earth until at least 2091. The good news is until then it will be getting great mileage.

Elon Musk’s Tesla roadster that was launched into space won’t be coming back to Earth until at least 2091. The bad news is that after spending millions of dollars to send the car into space, by then the trade in value will be near zero.

An Oregon school board meeting was called off because parents were outraged there were no Valentine’s Day parties permitted. Board members are being called the biggest Valentine’s Day party poopers since Al Capone.

A study says Millennials are having less sex than previous generations of that age. Mostly because it’s hard to become intimate with someone when you have only actually ever seen them on a smartphone screen.

A study says Millennials are having less sex than previous generations of that age. Mostly because it’s hard for women to get past the fact the men in their dating pool live in their parents’ basement when they aren’t driving for Uber.

A Colorado gym teacher is being charged with child abuse after forcing a student to stand for the Pledge of Allegiance. To which Donald Trump is saying the teacher should instead be hired to be a coach in the NFL.

A report says pot is less dangerous to the brain than alcohol. Which is like saying falling off a cliff is less dangerous than walking across a freeway.

A report says pot is less dangerous to the brain than alcohol. Mostly because the pot smokers taking part in the study didn’t have much of a brain left to damage.

Donald Trump’s tax plan will eliminate the deduction for alimony next year. Which means any day Tinder users may see a dating profile for Melania.

Donald Trump’s tax plan will eliminate the deduction for alimony next year. Which means men will no longer have a write off after being written off.

A report says weddings in New York City have an average cost of $77,000. Mostly because wedding planners know they can charge that much as the only other option is going across the river to New Jersey.

A report says weddings in New York City have an average cost of $77,000. Which is just a preview of how much the man will be forking out when he has to give up half of what he owns in the divorce.

The CEO of Taco Bell is moving over to Chipotle. That’s like moving from CEO of Chrysler to take over at United Airlines.

The CEO of Taco Bell is moving over to Chipotle. He was hired because of his vast experience, mostly in crisis management.

Billionaire Charles Munger says Wells Fargo will end up “better off” after their fake account scandal. Mostly because it was nothing compared to the mortgage crisis and the bank got away with that, too.

A survey says half of all Americans didn’t celebrate Valentine’s Day in the traditional sense. Mostly because the modern way is now with texts, emojis and swiping right.

A survey says half of all Americans didn’t celebrate Valentine’s Day in the traditional sense. The other half that did wanted to be able to have another chance at celebrating next year.

The Better Business Bureau says online dating scammers bilked lonely hearts out of $1 Billion in the past three years. Which the people were willing to pay since it was still a lot less than what they would be charged by a divorce lawyer.

A report says Donald Trump’s military parade would cost up to $30 Million. Although he would write it off as a charitable event by having the final tank carrying someone dressed like Santa Claus.

Goldman Sachs CEO Lloyd Blankfein says the odds of a “bad outcome” for the economy have gone up. Mostly because the CEOs that created the last economic disaster like Blankfein are not in jail and doing the exact same things again.

The government says health costs will keep growing faster than the economy. Mostly because the economy can’t grow because no one has any money left after paying for healthcare.

Schools say report cards about students’ weight are ignored by parents. Which is no surprise since the parents react the same way to their kids’ academic report cards.

Schools say report cards about students’ weight are ignored by parents. Mostly because the only high scores their kids are getting are for their BMI.

The Swiss government will ban minors from using tanning salons. Apparently they feel the kids aren’t ready to be exposed to high doses of UV rays after growing up in a country that sees three days of sunshine year.

The first blood test to diagnose brain injuries has been approved. It has to do with measuring the amount of blood pouring out of a victim’s eyes, nose and ears.

A study says noisy eating can affect some people’s ability to learn. Which means those people should never eat Rice Krispies while they are trying to study.

A postage stamp honoring Mr. Rogers will be unveiled soon. It’s for any mail just being delivered in the neighborhood.

Kicker Sebastian Janikowski will not be on the Raiders for 2018. Apparently the team doesn’t feel it needs to pay a full time player to sit around all year waiting for the chance to kick three extra points.

Former Steelers offensive coordinator Todd Haley is moving to the same position with the Cleveland Browns. People were surprised. The Browns have an offense?

Tiger Woods says his workout regimen when he was younger consisted of daily runs of eight mile, lifting weights and basketball or tennis. Which means when Elin Nordgren is chasing you, it must be like trying to get away from the Terminator.

The Jamaican women’s bobsled coach has quit and may take the sled. Which is going to be tough for the team to replace it on such short notice by finding new steel drums, Styrofoam and plywood.

Johnny Manziel will reportedly join a spring developmental league. Although in his case it will be more like a league for arrested development.

The Lakers say Lonzo Ball will be out through the All-Star break. Although it isn’t like he was going to be doing anything over the All-Star break anyway.

The acting IRS Commissioner is asking for $400 Million to implement the new tax cut law. Only the government could need more money in order to cut revenue.

A Mitt Romney adviser says the Senate candidate would be “John Q. Adams-esque.” Meaning he is yet another white male politician living in the 19th century.

A Mitt Romney adviser says the Senate candidate would be “John Q. Adams-esque.” The question is, why can’t we have politicians who are more like John Q. Public?

Several strands of white hair from George Washington were found inside a book in New York State. Although a book would be the last place any future historians will look for any remnants of Donald Trump.

Several strands of white hair from George Washington were found inside a book in New York State. As opposed to the one strand of bright orange hair that is wrapped every day around the entire head of Donald Trump. 

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! More sad news with yet another school shooting, this time in Florida. Once again, someone armed with an assault rifle killed indiscriminately in a blind rage. 17 people are gone, because someone who shouldn’t have had access to that type of weaponry was able to get hold of one along with lots of ammunition. I believe in the right to own a weapon. But assault rifles are just that. Rifles made to assault people. I hope our leaders will finally have the courage to do what they did in Australia and ban those weapons outright. They had a mass murder back in 1996 where 35 people were killed. They outlawed people from having assault weapons and since then, not one mass shooting. I don’t have a lot of hope, seeing as how we are a country that is so in love with our guns. I feel so terrible for those parents who sent their kids to school and will never see them again. We need to just elect leaders who are beholden to the people and not special interest groups and businesses. Good luck on that. I hope you give some thoughts to the people who died and their families who will have to go on without them. It’s the most respectful way of sending the love.



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