Wednesday, February 14, 2018

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers! From the most prolific joke writer on the planet...!

The New York Times CEO says print journalism will last only ten more years. Apparently that is when the last 15 home subscriptions to the paper will run out.

The New York Times CEO says print journalism will last only ten more years. After that, people will just have to find something else to line their parakeet’s cage, clean their windows and wrap fish.

The British Commonwealth has begun secret talks of who will succeed Queen Elizabeth II after her death. The sad news is that near 70 year old Prince Charles may finally get his first job just before he retires.

A study says people who laugh at themselves with self-deprecating humor are more likely to have greater psychological well-being. Which is good news for Donald Trump as no one could possibly expect anyone to take that haircut seriously.

A medical test to determine if people are in love or are “faking it” will be available in 2028. Which is already known to younger people as “swiping right.”

A medical test to determine if people are in love or are “faking it” will be available in 2028. Although many women show they really love their husbands by faking it only when they are in bed.

A study says sexual satisfaction in a relationship makes it more likely for people to cheat. Which is good news for men who know that won’t be a problem when they are always on their back snoring after just three minutes.

Omarosa slammed Mike Pence, saying he thinks Jesus tells him to say things. To which Donald Trump says his son only does that sometimes.

American teen Chloe Kim won a gold medal in Women’s Olympic Snowboarding. How bad is it that we have a generation who will be idolizing someone who is named after two members of the Kardashian family?

A human rights group is warning of deteriorating conditions in Venezuela. People were surprised. When did Venezuela get human rights?

A human rights group is warning of deteriorating conditions in Venezuela. Which is good for the people there who always wanted to know what it would be like to live in China.

Honduran lawmakers are debating a bill that would fine offensive comments and hate campaigns online. The only question is whether they have the authority to completely shut down Facebook.

An expert says Artificial Intelligence will be “billions of times smarter” than humans. To which most people are saying they will be happy if it can just spell their name right on their Starbucks cup.

Drought fears have been revived in California. To which most people are saying it was great to have those three weeks where they didn’t have to worry about it.

Bill Gates says tech companies are inviting government intervention. Which is ironic because the government only wants to use the tech companies to help them intervene on everyone else’s privacy.

Volunteers in California are getting high to help police spot marijuana users. After which the volunteers say they would also like to help police spot opioid users, compulsive gamblers and erotic massage parlor customers.

A New Jersey mail carrier admits to taking bribes to deliver drug packages. To which the people on his route say if they would have known that, they would have bribed him just to get their mail on time.

Iraq wants $88 Billion to rebuild after the three years’ war with the Islamic State. To which most other countries are saying rebuild what?

An attorney says the New Hampshire woman who won a $560 Million Powerball jackpot is losing $14,000 a day in interest by fighting to stay anonymous. Which is becoming personal for the attorney because that represents his daily fee.

An attorney says the New Hampshire woman who won a $560 Million Powerball jackpot is losing $14,000 a day in interest by fighting to stay anonymous. Which means she may have to go another two days without putting in that new pool.

An attorney says the New Hampshire woman who won a $560 Million Powerball jackpot is losing $14,000 a day in interest by fighting to stay anonymous. People were surprised. Who actually pays interest anymore?

An attorney says the New Hampshire woman who won a $560 Million Powerball jackpot is losing $14,000 a day in interest by fighting to stay anonymous. She needs to start a GoFundMe crowdfunding account to help her through these tough times.

A private clinic in Gabon has released a baby after the family paid its hospital bill. To which health insurance companies in the U.S. are saying “You can do that?”

Edward Snowden says he got government security clearance “faster than half of this White House.” So how well did that work out for everyone?

A human rights group is condemning Philippines President Duterte for threatening to shoot rebels in the genitals. As opposed to the U.S. where our President only says it’s OK to grab women there.

A report says total U.S. household debt has reached a record $13 Trillion. Mostly because people figure they can just leave it to their kids who already will be stuck with paying off the $20 Trillion national debt.

Steve Mnuchin’s wife says she admires him because he understands the economy. Meaning he knows that you can have a trophy wife just by giving her lots of money.

Ulta has been hit with a lawsuit claiming the company resells returned products as new. Which is OK for women who don’t mind going around with a second hand face.

A top U.S. spy says there is “no doubt” Russia will meddle in the 2018 elections. Mostly because our spy agencies had no idea they were doing anything to interfere with the 2016 elections.

Some airports are handing out free flowers on Valentine’s Day. Mostly extra bouquets that are kept on hand by United to send to hospitals for the passengers they dragged off their planes.

The John Hancock Center skyscraper is losing its iconic name. Apparently there was an executive order issued by the White House to change the marquee to “Trump.”

Oregon state lawmakers will vote on making healthcare a right. Which Republicans say it already is to anyone who has the millions of dollars on hand to pay for it.

Oregon state lawmakers will vote on making healthcare a right. Which is great news for the people who need psychiatric care because of the depression of living in a state with three days of sunshine all year.

An Arizona woman went to bed with a pounding headache only to wake up speaking in a British accent. Now everyone else in the house has a pounding headache from hearing her constantly say “’Ello, Guv’ner!”

An Arizona woman went to bed with a pounding headache only to wake up speaking in a British accent. Her husband and kids say it won’t be a problem until she tries to feed them haggis.

A study says unsafe water is found in faucets around the U.S. Which would be a real problem if there were any Americans who actually drank water.

A study says unsafe water is found in faucets around the U.S. Although they are really just saying that to make the people in Flint, Michigan feel better.

A study says chemicals found in food wrappers are linked to weight gain. Which is ironic as the wrappers are usually more nutritious than the fast food inside.

A study says chemicals found in food wrappers are linked to weight gain. Mostly from the salt, fat and sugar dripping onto the wrappers from the food they cover.

A report says one in 10 U.S. adults suffer from depression. The other 90% just suffer from being pathological liars.

A report says one in 10 U.S. adults suffer from depression. The other 90% still have three years of the Trump Administration to catch up.

A study says the happiest people have sex once a week. And they will stay happy as long as they aren’t caught by their spouse.

Kate Upton reportedly almost died during a Sports Illustrated topless shoot when she was swept away by a wave. Although it is hard to believe there is even a chance she would ever be in danger of drowning.

Steve Bannon says Duane Johnson “ruined his career” by supporting Oprah Winfrey’s Golden Globes speech. At least whatever career he had left after starring in the movie “Baywatch.”

Sports Illustrated has revealed Danielle Harrington will be on the cover of their Swimsuit Issue. So they can pay $10 to look at her wearing bikinis or go online for free to see her naked.

Johnny Manziel says Baker Mayfield can learn from him. When you look at it like that, pretty much everyone can learn from Johnny Manziel.

Chance Utley has been traded back to the Dodgers. Mostly because it’s nice for players to return to being able to return to a bench where they are used to sitting.

The NCAA is considering making it easier for athletes doing well in the classroom to transfer colleges. Which is great news for the three college athletes who actually have ever been inside a classroom.

LaVar Ball says he wants all three of his sons to play on the same NBA team. The only problem is finding two other players to agree to play on a team where they never get their hands on the ball.

Former White House staff secretary Rob Porter blames his ex-wife’s black eye on a fall. Which happened right after he punched her in the face.

EPA chief Scott Pruitt says first class travel is necessary for security purposes. You don’t want just anyone on a plane uncorking your $300 bottle of Champagne.

Donald Trump says he is still unconvinced Russia meddled in the 2016 election. Apparently he is still sure that the American electorate is dumb enough for him to fool them on his own.

Mick Mulvaney says he would vote against his own budget proposal. Which shows that it only took a full year for the administration to make their first smart move.

Mick Mulvaney says he would vote against his own budget proposal. Or in Washington speak, he would vote for it before voting against it.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Some sad news from the entertainment world with the passing of comedian Marty Allen at the ripe old age of 95. For those of you too young to remember, he was a TV staple in the 1960s and beyond, appearing on Ed Sullivan, “The Tonight Show” and every network variety show. He partnered early with Steve Rossi, then ended up going solo. He had wild eyes and frizzy hair with a catch phrase “Hello, dere!” that became synonymous with his act. I remember him well from those early days and I hope you give him a minute of your thoughts today as a true pioneer in TV comedy. If you have another spare minute or two, I wouldn’t mind if you also remembered as usual to keep on sending the love!



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