Tuesday, February 13, 2018

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers! From the most prolific joke writer in the planet...!

A Virginia aquarium captured rare video of an octopus giving birth. Although there is already a claim of trademark infringement being filed by the other Octomom.

A Virginia aquarium captured rare video of an octopus giving birth. The tough part for the obstetrician on duty was being able to give eight epidurals at once.

A wedding dress was returned to its owner in Ohio 32 years after a dry cleaning mix up. The good new is it arrived just in time for the original owner’s fifth wedding.

Johnny Manziel says he is bipolar. Which means he could be the first NFL player in years to go both ways.

 Johnny Manziel says he is bipolar. The good news is that when he throws an interception he can also switch gears to make the tackle.

A study says marriage constrains people socially. Especially when your wife sees whom you have been chatting with on Facebook.

A report says Baltimore has gone 11 days without a murder. No one had any idea that Ray Lewis was taking an extended vacation.

Amazon is cutting hundreds of jobs in Seattle. Which is no big deal for the workers who have a better chance at landing a job for more money becoming a barista.

Data says one third of all U.S. ex-cons live in Florida. Where else to you go after not seeing any sunshine for the past 10-15 years?

Data says one third of all U.S. ex-cons live in Florida. No one had any idea the migratory pattern there included birds of a feather.

Data says one third of all U.S. ex-cons live in Florida. What’s worse is that Florida is also home to two thirds of the nation’s future convicts.

High unemployment in Italy means as many as 2,500 young people sometimes compete for one job. Which is usually for the position of having to interview 2,500 people for just one job.

Donald Trump has unveiled his 11th round of judicial nominees. And those are just to cover all the trials of the people leaving the White House.

Mike Pence says the U.S. will have talks with North Korea. But just not when he happens to be sitting right next to Kim Jong-un’s sister at the Winter Olympics.

A list of the top ten worst U.S. colleges for free speech includes Harvard and U.C. Berkeley. Mostly because when it comes to prestigious colleges like those, there is nothing that is free.

Gun maker Remington is seeking bankruptcy protection. Which goes to show that Amendment number two does nothing to keep you out of chapter number eleven.

Gun maker Remington is seeking bankruptcy protection. Who would have thought the firearms industry would want President Obama back to scare people into buying more guns because they were afraid he would take them away?

Gun maker Remington is seeking bankruptcy protection. The people running that company must be a bunch of dum-dums.

Berkeley wants to use cryptocurrency to house the homeless.  Although that worries some of the homeless who think “cryptocurrency” sounds like money that is used by people who are looking for a room inside a mausoleum.

KFC is offering scratch ‘n’ sniff Valentine’s Day cards that smell like fried chicken. It’s for people who put a romantic dinner on their bucket list.

KFC is offering scratch ‘n’ sniff Valentine’s Day cards that smell like fried chicken. They also have poetic verses, like “How do I love thee? Let me count the ways with 11 herbs and spices.”

Ford and Mazda have added 35,000 pickup trucks to the list of do-not-drive vehicles with defective airbags. Which is why they are called pickup trucks, because after an accident you pickup an arm, you pickup a leg, you pick up a torso…

The wife of Donald Trump, Jr. was taken to the hospital after opening an envelope with white powder that turned out to be cornstarch. Although how could anyone be expected to know that who has never actually been inside a kitchen?

Vue is planning on building 30 multiplex theaters in Saudi Arabia after their movie ban was lifted. Apparently the people there feel safe enough without any theatrical releases from Adam Sandler in more than four years.

Vue is planning on building 30 multiplex theaters in Saudi Arabia after their movie ban was lifted. They won’t actually be showing any movies, they just know they can attract a crowd there anytime by advertising it as air conditioned.

A study has tied marijuana’s 4/20 holiday to an increase in car crashes. Mostly from every other car on the freeway driving at a flat 15 mph.

A study has tied marijuana’s 4/20 holiday to an increase in car crashes. Mostly from people making sudden swerves into the parking lots at pizzerias.

A study has tied marijuana’s 4/20 holiday to an increase in car crashes. The biggest problem is all the cars on the highway going Zig-Zag.

Scientists say UV light may be used to kill airborne flu viruses. If nothing else, being exposed to UV light will make people who have the flu not look so pale and sickly.

A study says smiling may improve how a person feels while working out. Mostly just by faking out the rest of their body to think they must be almost done.

A study says smiling may improve how a person feels while working out. Just remember a smile is just a grimace while keeping your eyes open.

An environmental group is handing out condoms featuring endangered species. The problem is the most endangered species is men who don’t mind wearing a condom.

An environmental group is handing out condoms featuring endangered species. Which is ironic in that the best chance for all those species to survive is by stopping human overpopulation.

A survey says 91% of Americans have a bucket list and are advised to share it with their doctor. The bad part is when the doctor tells them they have three months to finish it.

A report says Harvey Weinstein’s personnel file at his company is missing. Or as it is otherwise known as, his little black book.

The SAG-AFTRA union has unveiled a code of conduct following the sexual harassment scandals in Hollywood. It pretty much says “What Harvey Weinstein did, don’t do any of that.”

Clint Eastwood says he loathes fan selfies, saying they are a pain in the rear. Which makes it sound like he is doing it all wrong.

Japanese speed skater Kei Saito was disqualified at the Olympics after failing a drug test. It is so cold in PyeongChang, it turns out he tested positive for Sterno.

Norway leads in the Winter Olympics medal count after three days. To which Donald Trump congratulated them for continuing to beat all those “s--thole countries.”

Johnny Manziel is predicting he will be an NFL starting quarterback again. To which most people are asking if being the starting quarterback in Cleveland even counts.

Tom Brady wrote a 200 word note of gratitude on Instagram after losing the Super Bowl. It’s nice to know he can still find the bright side of being a pro athlete with a super model wife who have a combined net worth of $540 Million.

A report says Valentine’s Day fuels spikes in dating spam. Which could make it the biggest day for dating scams other than every other day for people using Tinder.

A report says the Equifax hack was worse than previously thought. Which most Americans are hoping for so that maybe the hackers will steal their identity and get stuck with paying off their debt.

Queen Elizabeth II has a new waste plan to cut back on plastic. Which means the Royal Family will be environmentally friendly by continuing to use their regular China, crystal and silverware.

A study says schizophrenic patients can be calmed with video games. The only problem is when they think they are both Mario and Luigi.

The parents of a GOP Senate candidate in Wisconsin maxed out their campaign donations to the Democratic opponent. Which shows that when you are younger, it pays to make your bed and do the dishes when told.

Budget Director Mick Mulvaney is defending the unbalanced budget proposal. Mostly by pointing out that someone has to pay for all those tax cuts for the wealthy.

Budget Director Mick Mulvaney is defending the unbalanced budget proposal. Mostly by saying it isn’t any more unbalanced than the people who put it together.

Donald Trump is proposing restrictions on which foods people can buy using food stamps. So far he pretty much has the list pared down to bread and water.

Donald Trump is proposing restrictions on which foods people can buy using food stamps. Mostly so people don’t spend their entire monthly allotment on just one jar of caviar.

A survey says conversational hearts are the most popular Valentine’s Day candy. Mostly for men who can use it as a way to keep from having to talk to their wives.

A survey says conversational hearts are the most popular Valentine’s Day candy. Having the top spot go to anything other than chocolate means the survey was pretty much done using only men.

A study says people’s musical tastes peak in their teens. After which they spend the rest of their lives saying how much they hate everything else.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Have you been watching the Olympics? Yeah, me neither. Sorry, curling just doesn’t do it for me even if there is a hot Russian babe throwing the stone. The last thing I want to do during the winter is think about more ice and snow. Of course, the way I always keep warm during this time of the year is when all of you remember to always keep on sending the love!



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