Sunday, February 11, 2018

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers! From the most prolific joke writer on the planet...!

Stock market losses totaled more than $5 Trillion last week. Which was déjà vu for anyone back in 2001 who pumped all their cash into shares of Pets.com.

Jim Cramer blames the market correction on “complete morons.” Otherwise known as people dumb enough to take investment advice from Jim Cramer.

Jim Cramer blames the market correction on “complete morons.” Which means those people are now at least qualified to run the show at a major Wall Street bank.

The Winter Olympics opened with a parade, fireworks and choreographed performances. For a minute, people watching thought they had mistakenly gotten seats at one of Kim Jong-un’s North Korean military parades.

An NBC executive is taking over at Amazon studios. Which for Amazon equates to them putting their delivery service under the control of the Post Office.

An NBC executive is taking over at Amazon studios. What could go wrong putting your operation under the wing of someone from the network that brought us “The Tonight Show” disaster, “The Paul Reiser Show” and Matt Lauer?

Pennsylvania will require voting machines to have paper backup. The question is, who would even care enough to try to tamper with any elections in Pennsylvania?

A report shows that male dogs win the Westminster show almost twice as often as females. To which the owners of the female dogs are saying that is a real bitch.

A report shows that male dogs win the Westminster show almost twice as often as females. Which owners of the females are complaining the show is set up for males with an overabundance of available fire hydrants.

A chef in Wales is being accused of throwing chili powder in the faces of complaining customers. Even worse, when he does it he says “Bam!”

A chef in Wales is being accused of throwing chili powder in the faces of complaining customers. People were surprised. UK cooks use spices?

A New York Times photographer says Donald Trump gives more access to the press than President Obama. At least to the journalists who just tell him they are with “Fox & Friends.”

A New York Times photographer says Donald Trump gives more access to the press than President Obama. Mostly because he will give unlimited access to pretty much anyone who has a camera.

A report says people are leaving the Bay Area because of crime, overcrowding and politics. Also because they don’t have $1.5 Million for a two bedroom fixer upper.

A new analysis has ruled out the worst-case scenario from climate change. Which is a small relief considering the worst-case scenario is complete global extinction.

Scientists are warning that the Sun could cool some by 2050. To which Donald Trump says that is the time we need to plan to send the first astronauts there.

Donald Trump has defended adviser Rob Porter, accused of domestic violence saying it’s a “tough time for him.” Because it is difficult to have to look for a job when most companies these days frown on people who are wife-beaters.

The Eiffel Tower had to close because of heavy snow in Paris. Mostly because people trying to climb to the top ended up with an eyeful of snow.

Connecticut prosecutors say a police officer was justified in shooting a man who jumped to his death from a parking garage. Apparently the officer was just trying to hurry up the process.

L.L. Bean is citing fraud for imposing limits on their return policy. It’s almost as becoming as fraudulent as paying full price for goods from L.L. Bean.

The CBO says the bipartisan budget deal has set the stage for rising deficits. At least both sides of Congress can always agree on putting the country even further in debt.

$10 Million of the opioid fentanyl was found in a shipment of fish. Apparently dealers were using that as a way to get people hooked.

Mike Pence was seated next to Kim Jong-un’s sister at the Olympic Games opening ceremonies. It was uncomfortable not because of the politics but because he was afraid to sit next to another woman when his wife wasn’t there.

Mike Pence was seated next to Kim Jong-un’s sister at the Olympic Games opening ceremonies. It isn’t known who did the seating arrangements, but next time they should pick someone who reads a newspaper once in awhile.

George W. Bush says the Russians meddled in the 2016 election. Apparently he wanted to let everyone know he finally found out about it just last week.

George W. Bush says the Russians meddled in the 2016 election. At least his election in 2000 was a result of meddling only by real American citizens in Florida.

A survey says 13% of tax cut gains are going to workers. The other 87% will go to business tax savings that will be made up with higher tax rates on the 13% workers’ bonuses.

Airline passenger bumping is at its lowest rate since the United dragging incident. Apparently that was a misunderstanding where United thugs meant they were supposed to “bump” the flier with their billy clubs.

Omarosa has been signed on to the show “Big Brother” where she says she wouldn’t vote for Donald Trump again “in a million years.” Which is ironic in that voting and working for Trump means this is the second time she is working for Big Brother.

The CDC says head injuries hit one in 14 kids. Mostly just the ones who bang their heads on their desk when they realize they forgot to charge their iPhone.

A group is waning that high caffeine energy drinks are not safe for kids. Which means they should just stick with the sugar, chemicals and coloring they are getting in the sodas they are drinking now.

Researchers say they have found similarities in certain mental illnesses. Mostly in that they make people act crazy.

School based health centers in Baltimore are working to keep kids in class and out of the ER. The idea is to keep them healthy by being in class instead of at home on the couch playing video games.

Donald Trump is proposing reducing drug costs under Medicare. Which is great news for Medicare recipients until Donald Trump takes away their Medicare.

A survey says 91% of Americans have a personal bucket list of things they want to do before they die. Number one on the list is live to 93 so they can actually retire.

Portland Trailblazer Damian Lillard scored 50 points in a game while sitting out the final 12 minutes. After scoring half a buck in three quarters, fans there were saying “Don’t ever change!”

A spectator crashed the South Korean Olympics opening ceremony twice. Which is different from North Korea because if the Olympics were there and a spectator crashed the ceremony once, they wouldn’t be alive to try it again.

A fake Donald Trump and Kim Jong-un were thrown out of the Olympic opening ceremonies. But only because organizers thought they were both real.

MLB’s union will open a Spring Training camp for unsigned free agents. Which this year is pretty much called Spring Training.

Atlanta Hawks forward DeAndre’ Bembry was arrested for driving 128 mph. Apparently he misunderstood the coach when he was told to practice his fast break.

Atlanta Hawks forward DeAndre’ Bembry was arrested for driving 128 mph. He is averaging 4.8 points a game but that just got him 12 points on his driver’s license.

Isaiah Thomas’ agent says before he was traded to the Lakers “he wanted to be in Cleveland.” Which is interesting just because it is the first time anyone in history has said those six words together.

Donald Trump sent a tweet asking if there is “no such thing as due process?” To which Democrats are saying that’s just what Robert Mueller is there for.

A White House speech-writer has resigned over allegations of domestic abuse. The irony is that he was hired to take Donald Trump’s speeches and punch them up.

A White House speech-writer has resigned over allegations of domestic abuse. People were shocked. Someone actually writes all the things Donald Trump says?

A poll says 59% of Americans are dissatisfied with U.S. gun laws. The other 41% think our gun laws are pretty much “hands up, don’t shoot!”

A poll says 59% of Americans are dissatisfied with U.S. gun laws. They aren’t sure if there are more holes in the laws than there are in all the gunshot victims.

EPA head Scott Pruitt says climate change may be a good thing. Look at how the Middle East became the Sahara Desert and then got rich on all that oil.

Friday saw the shortest government shutdown in history, lasting just over five hours. The good news is that shutting the federal government down for just that amount of time saved the country $3 Trillion.

A study says support of the death penalty is waning in Utah. People there are asking how death row inmates are the ones who get to be so lucky?

A CDC study says teenagers don’t get enough sleep. What’s the big deal? It doesn’t seem to be a problem that neither do cats, babies or air traffic controllers.

A CDC study says teenagers don’t get enough sleep. Which just means they should be given the opportunity to get more shuteye by increasing their classroom hours.


That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! The Winter Olympics are underway. The best event is the Biathlon, because what could be better than a competition where people ski cross country for several miles and then end up pulling out a gun and shooting? That is an event that was no doubt thought up one night in a Russian bar. If that had come out of the U.S. it would have included Monster Trucks and assault weapons. That is something we can be thankful that didn’t happen. I am always thankful when it happens that all of you remember to always keep on sending the love!


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