Thursday, February 01, 2018

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers! From the most prolific joke writer on the planet...!

A CBS poll says 75% of its viewers approved of Donald Trump’s State of the Union Speech. Mostly just in the fact he ended it without starting World War III.

A CBS poll says 75% of its viewers approved of Donald Trump’s State of the Union Speech. In fact, they liked it so much they stayed up way past their 9:30 bedtime to watch the whole thing.

A CBS poll says 75% of its viewers approved of Donald Trump’s State of the Union Speech. Mostly because they didn’t mind having the regularly scheduled “Bull” replaced with “More Bull.”

A train carrying Republican members of Congress collided with a truck in West Virginia Wednesday. Fortunately they were all OK because who has more experience than Paul Ryan at going off the rails?

A Massachusetts man has been charged with marrying six women to help them evade immigration laws. He says he could have gotten away with it if he had only first moved to Utah.

A Massachusetts man has been charged with marrying six women to help them evade immigration laws. The only difference between him and Larry King is that King didn’t marry them all at the same time.

Virgin Atlantic will offer private “love suites” for couples on some flights to New York. Which if that becomes a regular feature means they may have to rename the airline.

Virgin Atlantic will offer private “love suites” for couples on some flights to New York. Or as Ralph Fiennes calls an airplane love suite, “the bathroom.”

A school in Russia is offering pole-dancing lessons to 5 year olds. That has resulted in the school district reporting an epidemic of cooties.

A school in Russia is offering pole-dancing lessons to 5 year olds. The good news is that the best ones end up with milk money tucked into their Underoos.

The director of the CDC has resigned after it was discovered she bought stock in tobacco companies. Which in her position is called “job security.”

Kathy Griffin is reportedly planning a Hollywood comeback. To which most people in the industry are saying “Comeback from what?”

A gamer in China reportedly became paralyzed from the waist down after 20 hours of a nonstop café gaming binge. The question is when a gamer loses the use of their legs, how can they even tell?

A British member of the House of Lords resigned after arriving to work late. People were shocked. Members of the House of Lords work?

A British member of the House of Lords resigned after arriving to work late. That doesn’t happen in the U.S. because members of Congress don’t want to be late to collect bribe money, sell influence and harass women staffers.

African leaders almost demanded a public apology from Donald Trump. They changed their minds when he considered reclassifying their countries from “s--tholes” to just comparing them to urinals.

Trey Gowdy, who led the investigation into Benghazi says he will not run for reelection. He will instead return to being a lawyer where he might actually have a chance at winning a case he spends six years on.

UK lawmakers will move out of Parliament for years of repairs as the building is said to be “crumbling, leaking and infested with vermin.” Which also describes the U.S. Capitol Building, only in that case those terms are known as “metaphors.”

A gaming group says Americans will bet $4.76 Billion on the Super Bowl this year. Which is nothing compared to the $10 Billion spent on chicken wings and the $15 Billion going for beer.

A gaming group says Americans will bet $4.76 Billion on the Super Bowl this year, 97% of it illegally. Which is only fitting because 3% legality is also known as the Patriots’ game plan.

Hostess will give all employees a $1,250 bonus because of the tax break plus a year of free snacks. Which means that $1,250 for most workers will go right into covering their medical bills.

Sears is laying off 220 corporate workers. Mostly because they just don’t need that much management to run the three stores that are still open.

A dietitian says pizza may be healthier for breakfast than cereal. Except on the mornings when you don’t care that you found the slice you are eating in between the couch cushions.

A dietitian says pizza may be healthier for breakfast than cereal. Which is about the same as saying doughnuts are as healthy for breakfast as ice cream.

California coffee shops may have to post cancer warnings. The question is why aren’t there warnings for Starbucks customers about the potential for financial ruin?

Toyota is recalling 645,000 vehicles because of airbags that won’t inflate. In the meantime owners are told to just drive around with a beach ball on their lap.

Boeing has set a goal for 2018 to make a new plane every 11 hours. Which is the same goal United has set for getting each of their scheduled flights off the tarmac.

The FDA is making it harder for people to abuse opioid containing anti-diarrhea medicines. It’s turned into a full-blown crack down.

The FDA is making it harder for people to abuse opioid containing anti-diarrhea medicines. Before the restrictions go in place, authorities expect there to be a real run on the medications.

A survey says half of all Americans say news is causing them stress. The good news is that much of it turns out to be fake stress.

A report says working too long in life can be unhealthy or even fatal. Which is good news for the people who have been laid off and can’t find work after they hit 55.

A report says working too long in life can be unhealthy or even fatal. Especially since most people realize there is no way they will be able to retire before reaching 93.

A study says teenagers hit in the head can show signs within days of degenerative brain disease. The only question is, with a teenager how can anyone even tell?

Adult star Storm Daniels has canceled a scheduled appearance on “The View.” When it comes to the porn actress who reportedly had an affair with Donald Trump, even “The View” has already seen enough.

CBS has announced the cast for “Survivor: Ghost Island.” Which is not to be confused with the Ghost Island known as the stars of canceled CBS prime time shows.

Donald Trump’s State of the Union speech was watched by 46 Million Americans. Mostly because after watching “The Apprentice” they think it’s fun listening to him try to justify not being let go.

46 Million Americans watched Donald trump’s State of the Union speech. Mostly because people still aren’t able to look away when they see a train wreck about to happen.

Jim Caviezel is in talks to portray Jesus in the sequel to “The Passion of the Christ.” The tag line to the film will be “He’s coming back. And this time he is pissed!”

Jim Caviezel is in talks to portray Jesus in the sequel to “The Passion of the Christ.” Donald Trump has even offered to play a cameo in the film as his dad.

Stats show that all Best Picture nominees combined didn’t gross as much as “Star Wars: The Last Jedi.” Even more impressive is that the “Star Wars” film took in ticket sales one seat at a time.

Patriots President Jonathan Kraft says Tom Brady will be allowed to retire when he is ready. Which at this point Brady says will be sometime after the 2042 season.

Patriots President Jonathan Kraft says Tom Brady will be allowed to retire when he is ready. To which the people in Green Bay are saying to be careful because that’s the same deal they gave to Brett Favre.

Snow Volleyball will be an exhibition sport at the Pyeongchang Olympics. The only problem is finding the white volleyball between every point.

Snow Volleyball will be an exhibition sport at the Pyeongchang Olympics. Which for most men defeats the purpose of volleyball to see the women playing it wearing those tiny bikinis.

Eagles coach Doug Pederson is bringing in Brett Favre to talk to the team before the Super Bowl. Mostly just to tell them if they get into a jam he will be happy to suit up and make another comeback.

The Dodgers have invited switch pitcher Pat Venditte to spring training. Since he throws with both hands, instead of being labeled a southpaw does that mean he is bipolar?

A fan was struck and dragged by a golf cart at the Waste Management Phoenix Open. Which is ironic in that the question after the accident was how wasted was everyone involved?

A fan was struck and dragged by a golf cart at the Waste Management Phoenix Open. Which only makes sense if the incident happened somewhere neat the 16th hole.

A fan was struck and dragged by a golf cart at the Waste Management Phoenix Open. There has been no official statement on what happened, but word is that shortly after the incident Tiger Woods was seen taking a field sobriety test.

Nintendo has announced it is making a Super Mario movie. Apparently it is aimed at teens who like to watch the Mario Brothers but consider it too much work to have to operate the controls during a video game.

Mark Zuckerberg’s attempt to “fix” Facebook has caused users to spend less time on the site. Which means it might actually be working.

Mark Zuckerberg’s attempt to “fix” Facebook has caused users to spend less time on the site. Apparently his idea is to make it easier to see what people are eating for breakfast, watch cat videos and hit on women.

Astronauts could soon be eating Vegemite-like food made from their own human waste. Which brings up the question, what’s the difference?

Donald Trump didn’t send out any tweets on Wednesday, a rare occurrence in his time in office. Apparently he felt he told enough lies, did enough bragging and applauded for himself enough in his State of the Union speech to last a week.

Donald trump and the Pentagon say they hope 2018 will see more foreign militaries buying U.S. weapons. The idea is if Trump is going to start World War III, we might as well make sure we will be cashing in on it.

Mike Pence told Republicans they “have got a story to tell.” Which is usually followed by “And we’re sticking to it.”

Mike Pence told Republicans they “have got a story to tell.” Which is fine as long as they aren’t under oath and there are no recording devices around.

A report says legal fees have consumed 40% of Donald Trump’s campaign spending at the end of last year. When Trump promised he would create jobs, people thought he meant outside the courtroom.

A test of a missile defense system failed in Hawaii. Which is OK because it turns out our fake missile defense system actually worked just as well as our fake missile warning system.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! This is a big weekend coming up where hopefully we will combine two major events and find out who the groundhog picks to win the Super Bowl. I love the Super Bowl because it means the end of football season and pitchers and catchers will report soon which means spring training is not far away along with the return of baseball and some warmer weather. Yea! That’s my roundabout way of saying I hate the cold. But the one thing that makes me warm all over is when you all remember to always keep on sending the love!



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