Friday, January 05, 2018

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers! From the most prolific joke writer on the planet...!

Consumer Reports says people should stay away from romaine lettuce in the middle of an outbreak of E. coli. Which hopefully comes in time for the three Americans who still actually eat vegetables.

Consumer Reports says people should stay away from romaine lettuce in the middle of an outbreak of E. coli. No one even had any idea that Chipotle was offering salads.

JFK Airport was temporarily closed during the northeast snowstorm. It was so empty, people went there just to see what it would be like to get through TSA security screening in under three hours.

Sears says it will close more than 100 more stores. People were surprised. There are still 100 Sears in business?

Chinese President Xi Jinping has ordered the army to prepare for war. Which brings up the question, isn’t that pretty much a big part of their job in the first place?

Turkey is being criticized for allowing child marriage. As opposed to other countries in that region that draw the line at using children for labor and the military.

Rap has overtaken rock as the most popular music genre. Mostly since Republicans took control of the government and carrying guns is cool again.

Rap has overtaken rock as the most popular music genre. Mostly because it is so much easier to just make up about shooting people and abusing women than to actually learn to play a musical instrument.

A German newspaper says the government should scrap a law banning online hate speech. Mostly because the paper’s digital department finds it now has trouble keeping up with the hate speech on the print side.

The cold blast in Florida this week reportedly caused iguanas to fall out of trees. It got so bad, even the GEICO Gecko showed up to work with a broken leg and bruises.

A Republican won a hotly contested seat in the Virginia House with a lottery from a ceramic bowl. If the Democrat had won, Donald Trump would have appointed a committee to look into lottery bowl fraud.

A Republican won a hotly contested seat in the Virginia House with a lottery from a ceramic bowl. Which is a switch, as usually voters would prefer if the candidates for political office were sent down a porcelain bowl.

Saudi Arabia says there is “no evidence” it had a hand in the 9/11 attacks. Unless for some reason you would call 15 of the 19 hijackers coming from the country, financial ties and heavily redacted government documents some kind of evidence.

A Justin Bieber museum exhibit has opened in his hometown in Ontario. Which most people are hoping will soon be transferred over to the section in Ancient History.

A Justin Bieber museum exhibit is set to open in his hometown in Ontario. It contains his Grammy, microphones and even the chicken he bought so he could have a fresh supply of eggs to throw at his neighbors’ homes.

The weather term “bomb cyclone” for the northeast storm has gone big on social media. The word “bomb” has shown up so many times on tweets about the cyclone that Donald Trump is considering labeling the storm an act of terrorism.

Facebook has announced steps to combat disinformation ahead of the Brazil election. To which most people in the U.S. are asking why didn’t they think about that here back in 2016?

Iran is blaming the CIA for its widespread protests. The U.S. denies those charges, saying the CIA was way too busy trying to hide how they let Russia get away with meddling in our elections.

Mark Zuckerberg is vowing to “fix” Facebook. Apparently he is looking for a way to put even more people into a hypnotic state spending 8 hours a day staring at what their friends ate for breakfast.

Mark Zuckerberg is vowing to “fix” Facebook. Because nothing cries out for an overhaul more than a website that has given you a net worth of $72 Billion.

A Russian shoe factory fire has resulted in mass casualties. The death toll isn’t final but authorities say several soles were lost.

The Dow surged past the 25,000 mark for the first time ever. The only question is when the market crashes, which will fall farther, the stocks or the brokers jumping out of their windows?

Japanese Prime Minister Abe says a nuclear capable North Korea is the biggest threat to Japan since World War II. Which is interesting he would make those comments to the U.S. whose biggest threat in World War II was Japan.

The Justice Department says it will crack down on legalized pot. Which is interesting that Donald Trump would go after the only industry in the country that is actually still creating any jobs.

 The Justice Department says it will crack down on legalized pot. That could bankrupt the economy. Not just by shutting down an $8 Billion industry but by cutting in half the business to every pizzeria and donut shop in the country.

Michael Wolff’s new book about Donald Trump will be released four days early. Mostly to give the author a few days to pack his bags before Trump finishes the book and has him deported.

An FDIC court decision over Price Waterhouse could cost the auditors $1 Billion and make them more responsible about detecting fraud. Which is what happens when the judge is not happy about “La La Land” losing out on the Best Picture Oscar.

J.C. Penney’s CEO is warning Sears they are coming after their appliance business. To which most Sears shareholders are asking what business?

Southwest Airlines has agreed to pay $15 Million over charges of collusion. The worst part is that the collusion was reportedly with Russian airline Aeroflot.

Southwest Airlines has agreed to pay $15 Million over charges of collusion. Even worse is the collusion investigation now includes the defunct Trump Shuttle.

A poll says football is still America’s favorite sport to watch. Although it has been losing ground and is now just barely ahead of the cable news smackdowns.

A report says fewer teens are sexually active and are waiting longer in high school to start. Which is good news that they are waiting to get to know their teachers better before having sex with them.

A report says fewer teens are sexually active and are waiting longer in high school to start. Which is really a surprise in Alabama since most kids don’t even reach high school until they are 23.

A study says most babies are started on solid foods too soon. Mostly because their parents feel it is never too early to learn how to enjoy a slice of pepperoni pizza.

A study says most babies are started on solid foods too soon. Apparently they feel their parents should wait a bit longer and instead puree their Twinkies in a blender.

A study says U.S. cancer deaths are in a steady decline. Mostly because people are instead dying from opioid overdoses, diabetes and heart disease before they live long enough to develop cancer.

Khloe Kardashian says she has decided on a name for her baby if it’s a boy. Which doesn’t matter as long as it includes the “Kardashian” that she can exploit for millions of dollars.

Researchers say “facial yoga” exercises can make people look younger. Until now, facial yoga was the term for the eye roll people give when they have to listen to someone tell them how yoga has changed their life.

Researchers say “facial yoga” exercises can make people look younger. How lazy have we gotten when we will only do yoga that doesn’t require getting off the couch?

A study says caffeine levels in the blood can predict Parkinson’s disease. Or maybe the involuntary shaking might just be a result of too much caffeine.

Donald Trump’s lawyers have issued a cease and desist order to the publisher of Michael Wolff’s new book, which contains shocking quotes and claims. To which Democrats are asking if they can issue the same order for Trump’s Twitter account.

Serena Williams has withdrawn from the Australian Open. She gave birth just four months ago and is worried about humiliating her opponents by winning a match carrying her baby on her back in a papoose.

Danica Patrick says finding a ride for Daytona and the Indy 500 is taking longer than she would like. Although it shouldn’t be a problem at all to find a ride to either race now that she can just call Uber.

Bill Belichick says snow is no excuse to be late. For the Patriots, it’s not even an excuse to not attempt a field goal as long as you have your own snowplow.

The Jacksonville Jaguars are offering teal hamburgers on their stadium menu. Meaning someone accidentally left the buns sitting out during the entire offseason.

The Pepsi Center in Denver will provide open captioning on all its video boards during events. Which means when the Lakers are playing there, the screens will just keep up a permanent scroll saying “air ball.”

LaMelo and LiAngelo Ball’s Lithuanian jerseys are on sale for $99. Apparently they are being sold by their dad under the label “Big Baltic-er.”

Khloe Kardashian says she is in no rush to marry her boyfriend Tristan Thompson. She wants to make sure she is ready to make the same commitment as her sister Kim to make sure it lasts at least 72 days.

FCC head Ajit Pai canceled an appearance at the CES supposedly because of security concerns. Meaning he was afraid to face 175,000 angry Netflix fans who see the end of net neutrality killing their weekend “13 Reasons Why” binge fests.

A study says coral reef bleaching has increased five fold since the 1980s. Apparently since then the reefs have aged a little and want to just cover some of the gray.

A study says schools should help children prepare for the risks of social media. Or they could have them put down their devices and actually try to learn their lessons.

A study says schools should help children prepare for the risks of social media. Which is too bad because they had gotten so close to preparing them for the risks of being harassed every day by bullies.

Sean Spicer says he “screwed up” as White House Press Secretary. Mostly in not securing a writing credit for all the material he provided to “Saturday Night Live.”

Alex Trebec will be on hiatus from “Jeopardy!” after undergoing surgery. Apparently it had to do with questioning a woman contestant about being tough enough for the military and the subsequent surgical removal of his foot from his mouth.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! That wraps up the first week of the New Year. So at what point does it actually reach middle age and then become old? It’s already gotten pretty old in the eastern U.S. with the cold wave that is finally on the way out. You know it’s bad when the people fleeing to Florida for a winter vacation run into snow showers. I am already tired of the cold, but I can escape the frost and feel warmer every time you all remember to always keep on sending the love!


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