Thursday, January 04, 2018

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers! From the most prolific joke writer on the planet...!

Donald Trump says former adviser Steve Bannon has “lost his mind” after leaving the White House. As opposed to the rest of his staff which as a qualification to be hired had already lost theirs.

The screenwriter for the remake of “Cleopatra” says it will contain “dirt, blood, swearing and lots of sex.” Which could be produced much more cheaply and faster by just putting a camera in the Hollywood studio executive offices.

Apple is leading the race to become the world’s first $1 Trillion company. All they need to do to get there is sell three more iPhones, two iPads and an iMac.

Lightning deaths in the U.S. were at a record low in 2017. Mostly because of all the people who stayed indoors taking opioids and instead died on the couch.

French President Macron is proposing a new law against fake news. People were surprised. They had no idea that Fox News was on French cable.

Iceland has made it illegal to pay men more than women. Which is good news for women who want to go somewhere and have the opportunity to get paid the same as men to work all year on a fishing boat.

A female pop star was arrested in Egypt for a sexually suggestive music video. Apparently she was wearing an outfit that revealed her eyes, nose and ankles.

A study says people can spot signs of illness in others at a glance. Like when someone weighs 450 pounds and it’s pretty obvious they have diabetes, heart disease and high blood pressure.

A study says people can spot signs of illness in others at a glance. Like when looking at Paris Hilton’s fiancée and wondering how many STDs he has already caught.

McDonald’s is bringing back its dollar menu. Although the only problem is it would be more nutritious to actually eat a dollar than consume anything on the menu.

Israel is reportedly offering to pay African immigrants to leave the country and threatening those who don’t with jail. Which is confusing when considering the question weren’t the original Israelis all pretty much African immigrants?

A Delta flight was forced to return to the airport in Atlanta twice. Which turns out was just a devious way to make all the passengers pay for three tickets.

A Delta flight was forced to return to the airport in Atlanta twice. The worst part is when the pilot was overheard telling the copilot “You should have thought of that before we took off.”

The world’s most expensive vodka bottle, worth $1.3 Million was stolen from a Copenhagen bar. Although the world’s most expensive liquor bottle ever was the one used to get AOL executives drunk enough to merge with Time Warner.

A rogue Chinese space station packed with cancerous chemicals is set to hit the Earth this year. Which means wherever it impacts will make the surrounding area pretty much just like living in China.

A study says people who swear more often tend to be more trustworthy. Which is just nice for a change to hear something positive said about Mel Gibson.

Doctors in Texas found a ketchup packet that had been stuck in a woman’s intestines for six years. Although it was still not as unhealthy than if she had instead used it to eat an entire order of French fries.

Firefighters put out a blaze at Bill and Hillary Clinton’s Chappaqua property. So now she finally thinks it might be a good idea to burn that private e-mail server.

Mormon Church President Thomas Monson has died at age 90. Which was upsetting for church members to see a Mormon leader pass away right in the prime of life.

Prosecutors in Quebec say a conductor played a major role in the deaths of 47 people following a train wreck. They are trying to prove him guilty of bad conduct.

Prosecutors in Quebec say a conductor played a major role in the deaths of 47 people following a train wreck. If convicted, he could be sentenced to five years working for Amtrak.

Ukraine’s foreign minister says his country will use U.S. supplied lethal weapons only for defense. Which he followed immediately by saying “Psych!”

Ukraine’s foreign minister says his country will use U.S. supplied lethal weapons only for defense. Just like all the other countries say they will use our foreign aid money to just help their people.

A government report in Germany says the influx of refugees there fueled an increase in violent crimes. Mostly the ones against the immigrants by German nationalists.

A breakthrough treatment to cure a form of blindness will cost $425,000 for one eye and $850,000 for both. The only problem will be treating the heart problems caused when the patient can actually see their bill.

A breakthrough treatment to cure a form of blindness will cost $425,000 for one eye and $850,000 for both. Which for most patients will total $425,005 for the one eye and the cost of an eye patch.

A breakthrough treatment to cure a form of blindness will cost $425,000 for one eye and $850,000 for both. Whatever happened to “buy one, get the other half price”?

A report says there is a policy issue with transplant surgeries, citing much shorter wait times for lung transplants in New Jersey than New York. The only problem is finding a patient who wants lungs that spent years breathing New Jersey air.

Botox maker Allergan is planning to cut 1,000 jobs in a cost saving move. The good news is that all the employees will at least be leaving with a smile on their faces.

A report says top business schools are cutting the price of getting an MBA. Mostly because college students are realizing an MBA really isn’t necessary to get the only available jobs cleaning the Slurpee machine.

Flights from Boston to New York City were canceled ahead of a major northeast snowstorm. To which United Airlines said after canceling half their flights, “There’s a storm?”

Experts are debating how to label aging Baby Boomers, with ideas ranging from “Third Age” to “Perennials.” Although the most common description that matches most of the white male Baby Boomers so far is “Trump supporters.”

Researchers say a new device may help ease symptoms of tinnitus, or ringing in the ears. It’s called the mute button on the TV remote when watching cable news.

A new drug has reportedly reversed memory loss in mice. The only question is how can they possibly even prove that?

A new drug has reportedly reversed memory loss in mice. Is it really a good idea to have mice remember it’s a bad idea to try and get that cheese out of the mousetrap?

A study says massages can have a real health benefit for people. At least until their wives finds out.

Paul Sorvino threatened to kill Harvey Weinstein for blacklisting his daughter Mira. Although if he really wants the person who ruined her career he should go after the casting director who hired her for “Romy and Michele’s High School Reunion.”

Bengals head coach Marvin Lewis says the team will “start from scratch” next year. Which is only fitting for a team that got scratched from the playoffs once again.

Bengals head coach Marvin Lewis says the team will “start from scratch” next year. What else would you expect from a team named after a type of tiger?

Undefeated UCF will pay $325,000 in national championship bonuses to their coaches and staff. Which is almost as much as they paid their best players this year.

Dustin Johnson says he believes he can win 9 or 10 tournaments in a year. He just needs to make sure his travel agent books him only in hotels that have ramps instead of stairs.

Donald Trump says he will attend the Alabama vs. Georgia national title game. To which Alabamans who supported Roy Moore for the Senate are telling him “Stay home, you’ve already done enough here.”

The Oakland A’s are offering free admission to their April 17th game against the White Sox. People were surprised. You have to pay money to see their other games?

Derek Jeter reportedly expects to make a profit with the Miami Marlins in 2018. Mostly by firing any players who make more than the league minimum along with Jeter taking over at shortstop, third base coach and general manager.

Derek Jeter reportedly expects to make a profit with the Miami Marlins in 2018. Apparently he was a Yankee too long and doesn’t realize his plan to sell hot dogs and beer for $100 each only works in New York City.

Venture capitalist Peter Thiel is reportedly looking into starting a competitor to Fox News. He doesn’t realize the biggest threat to Fox News isn’t other news channels as much as the lawyers filing sexual harassment charges.

Donald Trump has disbanded his Commission on Voter Fraud. Apparently he felt it would look a little funny coming from a President who won the election without getting the most votes.

More than a dozen lawmakers met with Yale psychiatrist Dr. Bandy X. Lee about his mental fitness for office, with her warning “He’s going to unravel.” The only question is how will anyone be able to tell?

More than a dozen lawmakers met with Yale psychiatrist Dr. Bandy X. Lee about his mental fitness for office, with her warning “He’s going to unravel.” To which most New Yorkers are saying “You mean more than he has since 1974?”

A Utah man has been charged with threatening to assassinate Donald Trump. Which is ironic in that if it is true, being anti-Trump would probably make him the only person in the entire state who doesn’t actually own a gun.

A new book portrays Donald Trump as being “uniformed, unprepared and lacking in focus.” Which ironically are exactly the same traits that made him the frontrunner through the Republican debates.

A new book portrays Donald Trump as being “uniformed, unprepared and lacking in focus.” Which just means we are now into the third term of George W. Bush.

A study says nearly half the renters in the U.S. can’t afford their rent payments. Which the study points out, those people are otherwise known as “the homeless.”

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! It is a bitterly cold day here in West Virginia. Which we also call “winter.” But this one is starting out pretty rough. This is our tenth straight day without getting above freezing. Otherwise known as two below Melania. There was snow yesterday in Florida and South Carolina. It was whiter in those two states than the last time a rally was held there by Donald Trump. Hopefully we will break out of this by the weekend. Ugh. The good news is that many people have said it will be a cold day in Hell before they read this blog, so I might be getting closer to that. In the meantime, I can count on getting that warm feeling inside when all of you remember to always keep on sending the love!



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