Wednesday, January 31, 2018

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers! From the most prolific joke writer on the planet...!

Donald Trump called for $1.5 Trillion in spending to repair our infrastructure. Which most people would like to see used to fix all those potholes on the road to prosperity.

A study says hearing voices may mean having a well-tuned brain. Either that or it could just mean having your hearing aid turned up too high.

A study says hearing voices may mean having a well-tuned brain. Of course, it’s really in tune when you hear those voices in harmony.

The Hawaiian fake missile alert was sent out by a worker thinking an attack was imminent. That’s what happens when people in important positions start their day reading Donald Trump’s tweets.

Pfizer is planning a $5 Billion boost in U.S. manufacturing because of the tax law change. Which is ironic that the company that makes Viagra would get such a rise.

Some Miami tourists were charged $777 for a 20 mile ride in a taxi. The explanation from the cab company is “Hey, all those air fresheners aren’t cheap!”

A study says men are more attractive when they have had previous relationship experience. Which explains why Larry King has been married eight times.

A study says men are more attractive when they are desired by other women. Although as Tiger Woods will attest, it isn’t easy to be dating 15 of them and married to another at the same time.

A report says astronauts could recycle their waste into a protein paste they can eat. If that’s the case, they might as well just open up a Taco Bell on the International Space Station.

A Norwegian Air flight with 85 plumbers on board was forced to turn back because of a bad toilet. Mostly because the airline would have gone broke with 85 people charging triple time for a weekend holiday call.

A Norwegian Air flight with 85 plumbers on board was forced to turn back because of a bad toilet. It’s the most plumbers in one location at once since the last Watergate reunion.

Record heat and dry conditions are bringing fears of another drought to California. To which people who have lived there fewer than 15 years are saying “What do you mean, ‘another’?”

Record heat and dry conditions are bringing fears of another drought to California. Which is sad as the Dodgers came within one game of ending the one they have been in since 1988.

Tom Hanks will portray Mr. Rogers in a biopic. They had to use an actor in his 60s because anyone younger thinks Mr. Rogers was someone created by Eddie Murphy.

Cape Town, South Africa is calling April 16th “Day Zero” when the city will run out of water. As opposed to the U.S. where April 15th is “Day Zero” after the IRS is done with our savings accounts.

The Kenyan government has shut down all TV and radio stations because of political unrest. To which Donald Trump reacted to the move with “You can do that?”

The Kenyan government has shut down all TV and radio stations because of political unrest. As opposed to the U.S. where the TV and radio stations create all the unrest.

The Kenyan opposition leader took the oath of office in a mock inauguration. To which Hillary Clinton supporters are saying it’s been done before.

A Swiss university is offering a degree in yodeling. It’s the one where parents actually wish their children in the program had decided to instead study philosophy.

A Swiss university is offering a degree in yodeling. The question is, what do you do with that degree other than trying to get a job doing commercials for Ricola?

A 71 year old Nigerian man on a United Arab Emirates flight says he was beaten and tied up for being in the wrong seat. Which shows that you really need to move when the pilot wants his seat back to fly the plane.

A 71 year old Nigerian man on a United Arab Emirates flight says he was beaten and tied up for being in the wrong seat. The airline is being sued by the man and also by United for stealing their business model.

The Hawaiian worker who sent the false attack alarm has been fired. The good news is he already has a new job carrying the nuclear football for Donald Trump.

Harley-Davidson says it will soon make an all-electric motorcycle. Which if you just add two more wheels is more commonly known as a Rascal Scooter.

Experts say children shouldn’t be allowed on Facebook until they are 13. Which coincidentally is the same age that children don’t want to go on Facebook because they find their parents just signed up.

Auto Nation will no longer refuse to hire job applicants who have marijuana in their systems on the drug test. Mostly because they are just happy they aren’t using opioids, heroin or meth.

Amazon is joining two other companies in cutting healthcare costs for workers. Which is a big turnaround from Amazon’s previous policy of doing the same thing by denying workers health coverage and taking away their sick days.

 California is looking at a taxpayer-funded bank to use for the pot industry. The bank won’t deal in cash as all transactions will be done using Pizza Hut gift cards.

California is looking at a taxpayer-funded bank to use for the pot industry. It’s the bank that has deposit slips made out of Zig-Zag papers.

Saudi Arabia has netted $106 Billion in a corruption crackdown. No one had any idea there were even that many lobbyists working in the Middle East.

A study says soy milk is the healthiest non-dairy product to drink. The only problem is figuring out how to milk all those soy beans.

A study says serious head injuries can increase the risk of dementia even decades later. The good news is that those people will then be able to remember that may be the reason they have had a headache the past 30 years.

A survey says resolutions to cut back on drinking are tough to keep. Especially for people who get so drunk every night they forget all their resolutions.

A survey says resolutions to cut back on drinking are tough to keep. Mostly because once the word is out they quit drinking, they get stuck being the designated driver.

A study says friends tend to have similar brain scan patterns. Especially the ones who are flat-lining while they sit around together watching “The Kardashians.”

A study says the Mediterranean diet may improve a woman’s chances with in vitro fertilization. Although if that is true, then why couldn’t using Olive Oyl ever result in any children for Popeye?

A study says weight loss surgery is not enough to keep the pounds off. Mostly because what the scalpel can take off can be put right back on with the steak knife.

A study says kidney donors could face long-term health risks. Especially the ones who don’t know you are only supposed to donate one of them.

A study says kidney donors could face long-term health risks. Which shouldn’t be a surprise when you ask what could possibly go wrong giving away a major organ?

Amazon, Berkshire Hathaway and JP Morgan are starting a health company that will save money by being “free from profit making incentives.” Although they need to look at how well that same business model worked for RadioShack.

A study says using opioids and other drugs could cause permanent amnesia. Which most drug users say that’s kind of the whole point.

“The Bachelor” alum Danielle Maltby is reportedly dating former “Big Brother” cast member Paul Calafiore. How bad is TV getting when even reality shows are now having crossover episodes?

Tim Allen will tackle the PC culture in comedy and colleges in a new docudrama. Yeah, it would be better if he could have that time in his life without being exposed to a PC environment, like the couple of years he spent in federal prison.

Tom Brady says he has a plan to make sure his Super Bowl jersey isn’t stolen this year. Just make it less enticing by losing the game.

Tom Brady says he has a plan to make sure his Super Bowl jersey isn’t stolen this year. How about just keeping it on?

Yu Darvish says he wants to return to the Dodgers. Which is fine with the Dodgers, just as long as the contract runs just through September.

A report says the average price of a Super Bowl ticket this year is $5,415. Mostly because it’s in Minnesota and people are willing to pay that much just to be inside a heated dome.

Tom Brady has been hiding his injured hand during Super Bowl week inside a “recovery” glove. Either that or he found a great way to walk around while hiding his deflation needles.

MLB is proposing starting the 11th inning of the All-Star Game with a runner on second base. It’s just too bad they wouldn’t be able to have access to any top notch ball players who could maybe get on base themselves.

MLB is proposing starting the 11th inning of the All-Star Game with a runner on second base. What’s next, if that runner scores the winning run they have to yell out “Ollie Ollie oxen free!”?

The Oakland A’s will expand protective netting all the way to the ends of their dugouts. Apparently that is in the hopes they will one day sign a player who can hit the ball that far.

Norwegian golfer Suzann Petterson is denying she said Donald Trump “cheats like hell” at golf. Which means just like that Norway has fallen from status as Trump’s favorite nation to being placed on that list with the “s--thole countries.”

A survey says 1 in 3 consumers have issues setting up a connected device. Those people are called “adults.”

A survey says 1 in 3 consumers have issues setting up a connected device. The other 2 can’t even figure out how to get the thing out of the box.

Fact-checking site Politifact crashed during Donald Trump’s State of the Union speech. How bad is it when just checking Trump’s honesty breaks the Internet?

Fact-checking site Politifact crashed during Donald Trump’s State of the Union speech. Apparently they didn’t realize that checking Trump’s honesty level meant needing a fully operational supercomputer.

Donald Trump is calling on Congress to give the leaders of federal agencies the power to fire workers. You’ve got to hand it to him, he will keep working it until he figures out a way he can legally get rid of Robert Mueller.

Agriculture Secretary Sonny Perdue missed the State of the Union speech as he was picked as the “designated survivor.” Which is good nothing happened because this country may not be ready yet for a “President Sonny.”

Agriculture Secretary Sonny Perdue missed the State of the Union speech as he was picked as the “designated survivor.” The sad part is that is the only person who when the speech ends peacefully knows they just missed their big break.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Did you watch the State of the Union speech? Me neither. If I wanted to watch Donald Trump go on an hour and a half rant about how great he is and how he is making America so great, I would just tune in to the first 90 minutes of “Fox & Friends.” Or the last 90 minutes. It’s all the same. I spent that time instead of listening to the President writing jokes about him. I feel I am much more productive in that regard. Then I get to follow it up with my own daily rant. That makes me feel somewhat better at the end of putting together the blog, but it’s still nothing like when you all remember to always keep on sending the love!



No comments: