Tuesday, January 30, 2018

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers! From the most prolific joke writer on the planet...!

The Grammys awards on Sunday had their lowest rated show in years. It turns out the only records that mattered were the ones set for fewest viewers.

A Trump team is considering nationalizing a 5G network. How bad are the wireless carriers when even the federal government thinks they can do a better job?

Amazon corporate offices have opened that come complete with their own rain forests in Seattle. Otherwise known as Seattle.

Interns in the Kansas Statehouse must sign confidentially agreements that could prevent them from reporting improper activities. To which Bill Clinton is saying “Why didn’t we have those back in 1996?”

An Indian man was killed when he was sucked into an MRI machine at a hospital. The good news is they were able to get immediate test results on what killed him.

Exxon Mobil says it will invest $50 Billion in the U.S. Which means its executives have promised to spend all their bonus money on beach vacation mansions exclusively in the Hamptons.

A national ranking has rated Florida the worst state in every category. Even worse is that they also lost the recount.

A national ranking has rated Florida the worst state in every category. Although they did get a consolation mention for “Nice tan!”

Stockton, California is ready to experiment with a universal basic income of $500 a month for everyone. Which is great news for the people who say if they only had $500 they would be able to get out of Stockton.

IKEA founder Ingvar Kamrad has died at age 91. Apparently the cause of death is listed as “He must have actually eaten the meatballs.”

IKEA founder Ingvar Kamrad has died at age 91. He will be buried along with the screws, bolts and instructions left over after workers finished putting together his IKEA casket.

The Cleveland Indians are going to remove their Chief Wahoo logo from uniforms this year. Although claims of racial insensitivity were made worse when the team said the whole controversy made them “red faced.”

 Sunday could see the lowest temperature ever at a Super Bowl host city. Even worse for Tom Brady is that the cold air could make the footballs feel softer like someone even possibly deflated them.

A college professor used an American flag for a doormat as part of an art display. Which insulted the Trump Administration that says the only doormat is the U.S. catering to all those “s--thole countries.”

Iranian women are protesting wearing their obligatory headscarf. Which means they are still 500 years behind everyone else in even thinking of burning their bras.

A 19 year old New Jersey teenager became the youngest person ever to row solo across the Atlantic. Apparently the decision to attempt it was easy. It was either that or make the trip with his parents on a Carnival cruise ship.

A 19 year old New Jersey teenager became the youngest person ever to row solo across the Atlantic. Mostly because it was different than living in New Jersey where it always feels like you are up a creek without any paddles.

Two parents in the Bronx are being charged with letting their five year old child live alone in squalor. In other words, they refused to move out of the Bronx.

The EPA has withdrawn regulations for “major sources’ of pollution. Apparently the agency is tired of letting China be number one in the world in everything.

The 401(k) boon is causing more people to tap into their retirement accounts early. Mostly because they figure why wait until they can actually afford to retire at 93?

A poll says ahead of the State of the Union speech, more Americans say they are nostalgic for the past. Mostly the good old days right before the 2016 elections.

A poll says ahead of the State of the Union speech, more Americans say they are nostalgic for the past. Which is ironic in that the reason people elected Donald Trump was so that he could take us back to 1955.

A report says following doctors’ orders can save a person $90,000 over their lifetime. The only problem is that over their lifetime the same person is spending $180,000 on insurance, deductibles and copays.

Diet Coke is running commercials with the theme “life is short.” Especially for people who go through their life drinking nothing but Coke products.

Sales of fighter jets and missile defense systems have pushed Lockheed-Martin revenue to new heights. Which people had no idea when Donald Trump says he was good for business he meant with his attempts to start World War III.

A U.S. diplomat in Nigeria says the country is ripe for investors. He says all you have to do to get in is wait for an e-mail from one of several princes who live there.

A U.S. diplomat in Nigeria says the country is ripe for investors. Which was good news for the country in that it means they must have been taken off the list designating exactly which African countries are “s--tholes.”

The NFLPA is adding continuing education requirements for all agents. Which has upset the long time representatives who remember the good old days when they just had to know how to put their mitts on 15% of every dollar coming in.

The NFLPA is adding continuing education requirements for all agents. What they need to do is make the players take courses on learning how to pick an agent who does more than just come around to say “hi” and “where’s my cut?” every payday.

Wynn Resorts has lost $3.5 Billion since sexual harassment allegations were made against Steve Wynn. At least now he knows what it is like for all those people on the other side of his gaming tables.

Elon Musk has sold $4 Million worth of flamethrowers. Which are otherwise known by Tesla owners as the “Model S.”

The IRS has started accepting tax returns for 2017. They are trying out their new postcard size forms Donald Trump championed that just say “How much you got?”

A bill in California would make a $1,000 fine for giving out plastic straws. Which means people will save $900 by instead of a straw, using a rolled up $100 bill to snort their cocaine.

An optometrist has developed an online eye test to save people a trip to the eye doctor. Which is ironic in that most people who have bad eyesight have gotten that way from staring at a computer screen all day.

Super Bowl events are taking steps to fight the spread of the flu with 1 Million people taking part. The real problem with overcrowded ERs will be from all the patients admitted when Patriots and Eagles fans walk into the same bar.

Lithuania has adopted strict alcohol restrictions. Although with LaVar Ball there with two of his sons playing basketball in their country, they picked a bad time to try to stop drinking.

Scott Baio has denied sexual misconduct allegations against him by former costar Nicole Eggert. If she persists with her claims, he could end up as “Charles being charged.”

Texas A&M has joined the University of Texas with $200 Million in revenue from athletics. Which is a healthy profit for the school as looking at Rick Perry’s transcripts show they put back about $154 towards academics.

The Los Angeles Memorial Coliseum has sold naming rights to United Airlines. It’s the one that will feature ushers who after the games for no extra charge will drag spectators from their seats to the parking lot.

The Los Angeles Memorial Coliseum has sold naming rights to United Airlines. That will be where games scheduled for 6:00 start promptly at 9:00 the next day.

Roger Goodell says he wants clarity on the NFL’s catch rule. To which referees are telling him they will do that as soon as they actually figure it out themselves.

Roger Goodell says he wants clarity on the NFL’s catch rule. To which he is being told that it is pretty much what the Raiders receivers don’t ever do.

Roger Goodell says he wants clarity on the NFL’s catch rule. The bad part is that referees told him they would like to explain it but there is a catch.

The baseball players association is concerned over payroll cuts by the Pirates and Marlins. To which most people are saying “have you watched the Pirates or Marlins play lately?”

NBA players on the winning All-Star team will double their take this year to $100,000. The only problem is the additional money is based on them actually having to also play when they are on defense.

NBA players on the winning All-Star team will double their take this year to $100,000. Which isn’t much of an incentive since during the regular season they have made that much before they get off the team bus.

LaVar Ball says Steve Kerr is the “Milli Vanilli” of coaching. What’s worse is that Ball is becoming the Kris Jenner of sports parenting.

J.B. Holmes took four minutes to hit a shot Sunday at Torrey Pines. To which Ben Crane is saying “Why the rush?”

J.B. Holmes took four minutes to hit a shot Sunday at Torrey Pines. It was so long that when he finally hit the ball his playing partners yelled “Four!”

A California politician is seeking to ban Elon Musk’s flamethrowers. Politicians know flamethrowing can be very dangerous. Just look at Donald Trump’s tweets.

A study says in 20 years, 65% of the jobs in Las Vegas could be replaced by robots. Of course, all they need to do for that is show the robots how to break the legs of any deadbeat gamblers.

CIA Director Mike Pompeo says he fully expects Russia to try to interfere with the U.S. midterm elections. Mostly because the Russians have already provided the courtesy of informing the spy agency which candidate will win in each district.

Chris Christie will join ABC News as a contributor. The word leaked out when the network hinted that they just signed on a real political heavyweight.

Chris Christie will join ABC News as a contributor. Apparently he would have liked to spend some time on the beach but wouldn’t enjoy it as much when he couldn’t shut it down to other people.

Sean Spicer says he told Donald Trump he “embarrassed himself” as press spokesman. To which he was told not to worry, that Trump did plenty to embarrass just about everyone else.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Well, tonight is the State of the Union speech. One good thing is that after the first year of the Trump presidency many people were proven wrong in their predictions in that we still have a union. Except for the part about a union supposedly being unified. But other than that we are still here. Experts say the speech will consist of Donald Trump praising himself and boasting of all his accomplishments. In other words, it will be like an hour of listening to his tweets. Having to sit through that speech made the biggest lottery winner in Washington, D.C. the person who was picked designated survivor. The good news is that I am sure if nothing else, there will be a lot of material for tomorrow’s blog from the talk. The other good news is that no matter what happens tonight, I will still feel positive and hopeful when you all remember to always keep on sending the love!

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