Wednesday, January 03, 2018

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers! From the most prolific joke writer on the planet...!

Steve Bannon says Donald Trump’s behavior is like that of “an 11 year old child.” Which is good news in that at least his son Barron has someone his own age around the White House to hang around with.

 Steve Bannon says Donald Trump’s behavior is like that of “an 11 year old child.” Which is nice to hear he has matured three years since becoming President.

Vice Media has suspended two top executives over a dozen reports of sexual harassment. At least the founders know they picked the right name for the company.

Michelle Bachmann is reportedly weighing a run for Al Franken’s Senate seat. Which makes some people think his reason for resigning was to just give his old friends at “Saturday Night Live” some new material.

A report says some major YouTube stars are seeing a big drop in subscriptions. Mostly when their viewers realized they can watch people play video games and kids play with toys pretty much right at home anytime.

A report says some major YouTube stars are seeing a big drop in subscriptions. Mostly from people who realize they still think it’s more entertaining to watch videos of a cat playing the piano and a hamster eating a cracker.

The price of tomatoes is going up because of a national shortage. Which is bad news for the three people who still have a diet that includes an occasional salad.

The price of tomatoes is going up because of a national shortage. If it is from the demand for more tomato sauce for pizza after the legalization of pot, that means mushrooms, olives and onions are next.

A report says Iran’s theocracy is on the brink of collapse. To which Donald Trump supporters in the U.S. are saying “Watch us. We’ll show you how to do it right!”

An Ohio man’s obituary blames the Cleveland Browns for contributing to his demise. Which is bad news for all the fans still standing behind the Lakers.

A study says Americans will eat a record amount of meat in 2018. Which is bad news for people who have their money tied up in stock at McDonald’s and Taco Bell.

A study says Americans will eat a record amount of meat in 2018. Mostly from the people who think “Amazon Prime” is referring to a cut of rib.

The Eurasia Group political risk consultants says 2018 feels ripe for a “big unexpected crisis.” But then what crisis is ever really not unexpected?

The Eurasia Group political risk consultants says 2018 feels ripe for a “big unexpected crisis.” To which Americans say we already had ours back in November of 2016.

A report says powerful earthquakes will ravage the Earth in 2018 because the planet’s rotation is slowing. How fat are we getting that even the Earth is having trouble turning with everyone on board?

Donald Trump is calling for Iran to unblock social media during protests. Which is ironic in that much of the unrest in the world could be ended by just shutting down Trump’s Twitter account.

Germany has begun enforcing new online hate speech rules. Which in Germany pretty much leaves all social media use exclusively to people trading recipes.

A Pennsylvania man was arrested for child endangerment after leaving three kids at a McDonald’s and telling them to walk home in subfreezing temperatures. It could have been worse. At least he didn’t order them any Happy Meals to eat.

Tonya Harding says she knew “something was up” in advance of the 1994 attack on Nancy Kerrigan. The only thing that was really up was her 15 minutes of fame.

Iran’s Supreme Leader is blaming the “nation’s enemies” for protests. That’s brilliant. How often is it friends and supporters who start demonstrations?

Iran’s Supreme Leader is blaming the “nation’s enemies” for protests. Well, at least that narrows it down to every other country on the planet.

Car sales topped 90 Million worldwide for the first time ever in 2017. Mostly people wanting their own wheels because they are scared to death to call Uber.

Scientists say they are getting close to replicating human sperm. You know we are doomed as a race when young men are more interested in video games and social media than spending their time thinking about sex.

Scientists say they are getting close to replicating human sperm. Mostly because women would rather have lab sperm than conceive a child with an overweight underachiever who still lives in their parents’ basement.

A report says Donald Trump’s Irish resort has lost money for the third straight year. Which means get ready for some angry tweets threatening nuclear war with the UK.

A report says Donald Trump’s Irish resort has lost money for the third straight year. If it gets any worse, he could dig up the entire back nine and turn the whole thing into a potato farm.

Rent-A-Center founder and CEO Mark Speese has resigned. The company is currently looking for a new top executive they can acquire on a lease agreement.

McDonald’s is trying out fresh beef on a revamped version of the failed Arch Deluxe. If it doesn’t work this time, the company will be dealing with a case of fallen Arches.

The IRS is warning that the upcoming tax season brings security risks. Mostly having to hand over all your money to the IRS.

Famed Detroit auto executive Bob Lutz says Elon Musk’s “wild ideas” get a free pass from the media. Mostly because he designed the Tesla and not anything made by GM, Ford or Chrysler.

A travel group says 2017 was the safest year ever for commercial air travel. Mostly because United was still working on completing its flights that originated in 2016.

A study says alcohol’s effects on the heart depends on the drinker’s income. Apparently $200 a bottle Champagne is easier on the system than Olde English 800 and Everclear.

A study says rich people make worse relationship decisions than others. If that is true, Larry King may be the wealthiest man on the planet.

A study says rich people make worse relationship decisions than others. Mostly because they can lose half of what they own in a divorce and still be pretty well off.

A study says rich people make worse relationship decisions than others. Mostly forgetting to make their fiancée sign a prenup.

A new documentary about ballet is out called “Anatomy of a Male Ballet Dancer.” Which we all know as just a couple of socks strategically stuffed in their tights.

Paris Hilton announced her engagement to actor Chris Zylka, saying she feels “like the luckiest girl in the world.” From a brainless heiress who made even more money off social media, the rest of the world says they have to agree.

Paris Hilton announced her engagement to actor Chris Zylka, saying she feels “like the luckiest girl in the world.” And her fiancée will feel like the luckiest man in the world until his premarital STD test results come back.

Carrie Underwood received 40 facial stitches following a fall at her home. Or as Cher calls 40 stitches in her face, “Tuesday.”

Three men were arrested for breaking into the North Carolina home of NASCAR team owner Richard Childress. Fortunately, the only damage was three of the home’s tires were flattened.

Three men were arrested for breaking into the North Carolina home of NASCAR team owner Richard Childress. He is just happy that no one was hurt and that they didn’t get to his collection of velvet Elvis paintings.

Tickets to the Georgia vs. Alabama CFP game are going for more than $2,600. Apparently students figure what’s another few grand when they already have $100,000 in student loans racked up?

Mike Tyson has broken ground on a California marijuana ranch. The only problem is that when Tyson gets the munchies, instead of craving pizza he still starts looking at everyone’s ears.

The Oklahoma University band was called out for playing “Boomer Sooner” almost nonstop during their game against Georgia. Mostly because it’s the only song they know that doesn’t need to be accompanied by a banjo and washboard.

Some Minneapolis streets are already being closed in advance of next month’s Super Bowl. And they will stay that way until local police are sure that Randy Moss isn’t back in town.

Rod Carew paid tribute to the organ donor who saved his life with a heart and kidney transplant. Or in baseball terms, his final at bat will go down as a “sacrifice.”

A Google glitch lists LaVar Ball as the founder of the NBA. To which Ball admits that isn’t true, he should only get credit for inventing the game.

Oklahoma Thunder forward Patrick Patterson has been fined $10,000 for a tweet criticizing league officials. If that same rule applied to Donald Trump, he would be bankrupt in a couple of weeks.

The 76ers G League players will wear uniforms inspired by “SpongeBob SquarePants.” Let’s just hope they don’t come with bikini bottoms.

EHarmony ads that boast of a “scientific system” to create perfect matches have been banned for being misleading. Although not nearly as misleading as the profiles of the people who sign up for eHarmony.

EHarmony ads that boast of a “scientific system” to create perfect matches have been banned for being misleading. When it comes to men and dating sites, the only scientific system that works is having a lot of hot women.

A report says Google is exploiting tax loopholes to shelter billions of dollars overseas. The worst part is they got the idea by just looking it up on Google.

A computer outage in U.S. Customs and Border Protection has led to long lines and delays for airport travelers. The only question is how could anyone even tell?

Utah Senator Orrin Hatch is retiring, saying he is “a fighter, and fighters have to know when it’s time to hang up the gloves.” And at 83 it’s also time to start buying pants that have a belt line up around the chest.

Utah Senator Orrin Hatch is retiring, saying he is “a fighter, and fighters have to know when it’s time to hang up the gloves.” Meaning at 83 he feels it’s time to move back to Utah so he can stand on his porch and yell at kids to get off his lawn.

Donald Trump responded to a threat by North Korea’s Kim Jong-un, saying the nuclear button on his desk is “much bigger.” The only question being does he need a big button because it’s the only one he can push with those small hands?

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! This is my second post of the New Year. Is it getting any better? I didn’t think so. At least I feel that I am in a real rhythm now. Just about 250 or so of these posts to go and we can wrap up 2018. That’s about how fast these years seem to be going by. Ugh. That’s the problem when you reach my age. I am just lucky I remember the password to my blog site. But this is my relaxing time and what I enjoy doing every day. The only thing that makes me happier is of course when all of you remember to always keep on sending the love!



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