Sunday, January 28, 2018

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers! From the most prolific joke writer on the planet...!

FBI records show Roger Ailes was arrested back in 1974 for having an illegal weapon with a silencer. Which is ironic that he had a silencer in that what did him in was not being able to keep Gretchen Carlson quiet.

Amazon has opened its “Spheres” office building complete with a rain forest effect inside. What do they think, they are working somewhere in the Amazon?

A report says traded New England quarterback Jimmy Garoppolo will take home more money from the Super Bowl than Tom Brady. Which for starting quarterback Brady just has to be deflating.

Donald Trump wants $716 Billion in defense spending for 2018. Although that amount could be cut in half if we didn’t need the military to be ready to back up all the threats Trump makes every day on Twitter.

A New Jersey man was found dead in a tanning bed. The good news for him is that at his funeral everyone will be jealous about how great he looks.

A New Jersey man was found dead in a tanning bed. Which anyone who watched “Jersey Shore” will know at least he died doing what he loved.

Casinos are trying to attract Millennials with games that reward their intelligence and not just blind luck. Although if they were really that smart, they wouldn’t be going into a casino in the first place thinking they are going to win.

Experts say trust in modern medicine is eroding. Which is no problem since they won’t have to deal with any doctors or pharmacies anyway when Donald Trump takes away their health insurance.

Experts say trust in modern medicine is eroding. Which may have something to do with when companies like Mylan take 35 cents worth of ingredients and charge $600 when they put them into an EpiPen.

Men in France could be fined $400 just for asking for a woman’s phone number. Which shouldn’t be a problem as who even calls anyone on the phone anymore?

A traffic study in Montana says that the speed limit in the state shouldn’t be lowered. Mostly as a favor to the people who can’t get out of Montana fast enough.

A group giving the U.S. naturalization test to Americans say those in Tennessee scored the worst. Mostly because the people there say it was tough to read the questions while wearing a white hood.

A group giving the U.S. naturalization test to Americans say those in Tennessee scored the worst. Although they were able to look at a world map and identify each country that Donald Trump describes as a “s--thole.”

A group giving the U.S. naturalization test to Americans say those in Tennessee had the lowest scores. The worst part was when none of the test takers were even able to correctly spell “immigrants.”

A study found amounts of radon in the water supplies of 170 Million Americans. Which was good for the people in Flint, Michigan who say it takes away that lead aftertaste.

A study found amounts of radon in the water supplies of 170 Million Americans. Which is great for the people who drink it and say “Mmmm, tastes radon-y!”

A report says Kentucky state politicians are the most corrupt in the nation. Which upset people in the nation’s capital who say it’s only because Washington, D.C. isn’t a state.

A report says Kentucky state politicians are the most corrupt in the nation. Which government officials there say since there are no pro sports teams they wanted to give the people there something to root about to be number one.

A study says speech recognition apps can help with literacy. Which is ironic in that the number one cause of people being illiterate is because they are spending their entire day staring at cellphone apps.

The U.S. is opposing a proposed gas line linking Germany and Russia. Mostly because it makes Donald Trump jealous in that all he has linking him with Vladimir Putin is a 24 hour, toll free hotline.

Donald Trump says he will send Rex Tillerson on an “extended visit” to Africa. Apparently he wants his Secretary of State to come back and be completely familiarized with each separate “s--thole country” there.

New Orleans has pulled 93,000 pounds of Mardi Gras beads out of their storm drains. At least now they have the real reason why the entire city went underwater during Hurricane Katrina.

New Orleans has pulled 93,000 pounds of Mardi Gras beads out of their storm drains. Which translates to 93,000 pictures somewhere of women flashing their breasts.

Several donut shops are making donuts that look like Tide Pods. The only problem is it turns out taking the Tide Pod challenge is more healthy than eating the donuts.

A record number of cruise ships failed health and safety inspections in 2017. To which Carnival says they had no ships catch fire or sink, so one step at a time.

A record number of cruise ships failed health and safety inspections in 2017. To which cruise lines say well, yeah but only if you hang out at the ships’ bars, pools or buffet lines.

Twitter says Russian bots retweeted Donald Trump 470,000 times in 2016. Mostly the ones where Trump tweeted how there is no collusion.

Sears’ stock plunged after their credit rating was dropped. Investors were surprised. Sears still has a credit rating?

A New Jersey man got surgery after his “In Need of Kidney” shirt went viral. Which is the first sign that Donald Trump’s healthcare plan may actually work.

1 out of 4 Yale students signed up for a class in happiness. The other three were too depressed after getting their first tuition loan payment bill.

1 out of 4 Yale students signed up for a class in happiness. The course offered advice on how to be happy, mostly by not going to any of the Yale football games.

1 out of 4 Yale students signed up for a class in happiness. The other three know they missed their chance at happiness when they weren’t accepted at Harvard.

An Australian study says it does more harm than good for parents to give their kids alcohol. Apparently they say they have already done enough damage feeding them fast food, buying them video games and giving them their own smartphones.

Stevie Nicks boasts that the women and men in Fleetwood Mac were paid the same. Which worked out well for Mick Fleetwood and John McVie who made the same money playing bass and drums as Nicks and Christine McVie who wrote most of their hits.

No white male solo artists were nominated for Best Album at the Grammys this year. Which most people were good with just for the fact it means the list didn’t include Justin Bieber.

No white male solo artists were nominated for Best Album at the Grammys this year. Mostly because white men have just been relegated to saying how much better music was when they were younger.

Minnie Mouse was given a star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame. Mostly for the lack of controversy in being the only female star in Hollywood who hasn’t filed a complaint against Harvey Weinstein.

Minnie Mouse was given a star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame. Her only comments in being given a star 40 years after Mickey in 1978 were “Me too!”

Courtney Stodden’s estranged husband Doug Hutchison says she is “addicted to fame.” If that’s the case, what was she thinking getting married to him?

Reba McEntire has become the first woman to portray KFC’s Colonel Sanders. Apparently they wanted to put the breasts back in chicken fast food commercials.

A report says NFL concussions were at a six year high in 2017. Mostly because the league put all its attention only to players to took a knee.

Raiders quarterback Derek Carr broke a world’s record for fastest time in breaking five piñatas. The secret was that they made each of them look like Roger Goodell.

The Miami Marlins are expanding the netting at their ballpark. Although some people are protesting, saying nets should never be used on marlins.

The Detroit Tigers are changing the Old English “D” on their uniforms. They are just lucky the way they have been playing that it isn’t being replaced with an “F.”

Lonzo Ball will perform his first ever rap concert in Lithuania. He will play under his stage name “Zo,” which he got from most people hearing his music and saying “Zo what?”

Lonzo Ball will perform his first ever rap concert in Lithuania. His songs are inspiration as to how it’s possible to shoot only 35% and still get paid NBA money.

Lonzo Ball will perform his first ever rap concert in Lithuania. Mostly as a tribute to the people in the only country that hasn’t made an effort to deport his dad LaVar.

Tiger Woods made his first cut on the PGA Tour since 2015. Which means it will be the first time since his DUI arrest he has actually had to apply to be put on the weekend furlough program.

California has set a goal to have 5 Million zero emission cars by 2030. Which means all they need to do is buy 5 Million 2030 Chryslers which won’t make any emissions after being abandoned on the roadside.

Donald Trump’s State of the Union speech will reportedly have the theme “A safe, strong and proud America.” Which most people feel that the border wall he will be pushing in the speech will instead make us “none of the above.”

A report says Donald Trump’s Washington, D.C. hotel is higher priced and has fewer bookings than other D.C. hotels. High prices with few buyers sounds more like the business model of the NFL.

A report says Donald Trump’s Washington, D.C. hotel is higher priced and has fewer bookings than other D.C. hotels. High prices with few takers sounds like his hotels are being run more like Jay-Z’s concert tour.

A new book says millions of Americans believe God made Donald Trump President. To which Trump is saying “Yes, I did.”

A new book says millions of Americans believe God made Donald Trump President. To which many of those are saying if that’s the case, they want a refund of what they put in the church collection plate.

Melania Trump canceled plans to travel to the World Economic Forum in Davos because of “unspecified scheduling and logistical issues.” Meaning she found out Donald Trump was going to be there.

A report says Hillary Clinton protected a campaign adviser charged with sexual harassment in 2008. To which she apologized, saying it was just a force of habit.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! I am posting this before the Grammy Awards which air later tonight. I won’t watch the awards program because I just don’t feel like sitting through three hours of hearing the winner announced and saying “Who?” The Grammys have always been the worst awards with the wrong people always winning. The fact that the Beatles won only six Grammys while they were together pretty much validates that, and that they were nominated once for Song of the Year. I may watch the Oscars, only to see if Warren Beatty is allowed anywhere near the stage this year after last year’s Best Picture fiasco. When it comes to awards, the only one I look forward to is the one I get when all of you always remember to keep on sending the love!



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