Friday, January 26, 2018

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers! From the most prolific joke writer on the planet...!

Donald Trump says he will agree to be questioned by Robert Mueller under oath. Although his legal team is worried about his honesty as he has already broken his pinkie promise to Steve Bannon.

Donald Trump says he will agree to be questioned by Robert Mueller under oath. Mostly because to Trump, being under oath comes secondary to “That’s my story and I’m sticking to it.”

Robert Mueller has reportedly given Donald Trump’s attorneys a list of topics for their upcoming interview. Apparently they will start off about the weather, then turn to golf and end up with “Did you sell out the country to the Russians?”

Robert Mueller has collected 1.4 Million pages of White House documents for his investigation. The scary part is they all just say “All work and no play makes Donald a dull boy.”

A man in India was injured after being hit by a train while taking a selfie. He put the “loco” back in “locomotive.”

A man in India was injured after being hit by a train while taking a selfie. The reason so many people are hurt or killed taking selfies is because they can’t find another person as stupid as they are to take the picture for them.

A man in India was injured after being hit by a train while taking a selfie. That wouldn’t happen in the U.S. as the Amtrak train would have derailed way before he could take the picture.

A report says Mohammed is on course to become the most popular boy name in Germany. The time to worry is when the most popular name there becomes Adolf.

Billionaire investor George Soros says the U.S. is on course for nuclear war. To which Donald Trump says it’s good to have the country back on course.

Researchers say they have developed a way to produce a universal flu vaccine. The problem is that it protects against all strains with the same 10% effectiveness.

Steven Spielberg says he will do a remake of “Westside Story.” Only to make it more contemporary, the white Jets gang members will team up with Officer Krupke to deport all the Puerto Rican Sharks who aren’t protected by DACA.

Steven Spielberg says he will do a remake of “Westside Story.” To make it more contemporary, the policeman always coming down on the immigrant Puerto Ricans will be “Officer Trump-ke.”

ESPN is looking to sell their 538 political website. Mostly because it is confusing as it is the exact same number of former pro football players they have as on-air analysts.

Scientists say sandwiches could be as responsible for carbon emissions as 8.3 Million cars. Which makes you wonder what it does to your system to eat a sandwich named after a subway.

Home Depot workers will get a $1,000 bonus because of the new tax law. Although it seems as if there was a misunderstanding as employees were sent over to hardware where they were given $1,000 worth of tacks.

Researchers say humans left Africa earlier than previously thought. Which was right about the time when they realized they didn’t want to stay in a place that would be made up of “s--thole countries.”

Southern Illinois University is investigating a researcher whose offshore experiment injected people with herpes, some of which are already experiencing symptoms. The number one symptom finding it impossible to get a date.

Doctors say Julian Assange health is in a “dangerous” condition. At least that’s what his medical reports say that were all made available on WikiLeaks.

A Pennsylvania man says he was robbed of $5,000 by a suspect dressed as a mailman. Although he says it was worth it just for the fact the fake mailman didn’t bring him any bills.

An Irish priest and exorcist is asking his bishop for more support to fight an increase in demonic activity in his country. The other solution being to cut back on Saturday night sales of Guinness Stout.

Donald Trump is threatening to aid to Palestinians if they don’t take part in peace talks. Only Donald Trump thinks the way to working out a peace agreement is by using strong-arm threats.

George Soros says Google and Facebook are monopolies that foster addiction and threaten independent thinking. Which is wrong because that has always been the job of the TV networks.

A report says traffic in Manhattan crawls at an average speed of 4.7 MPH. Which in California on the 405 Freeway, 4.7 MPH is considered a high speed chase.

A report says traffic in Manhattan crawls at an average speed of 4.7 MPH. Which is a health hazard as there needs to be at least a 10 MPH air current to clear out the toxic odors inside every taxicab.

A report says 2017 was one of the hottest years on record. Scientists say 2018’s status depends on how long Donald Trump talks at his State of the Union speech.

Vince McMahon says he is going to revive the XFL. It’s a rival to the NFL but allows no protests or anyone with arrest records. The only problem is having teams with more than three players who qualify.

Meghan Trainor’s “All About That Bass” has been certified Diamond, meaning 10 Million sales. Which shows the song’s popularity still hasn’t bottomed out.

A report says managers at In-N-Out restaurants make up to $160,000 a year. Which used to be $80,000 until they made it a Double-Double.

Some Ford Explorer SUV owners say the vehicles are making them ill. The bad part is that Ford says they will just have to be given a Probe.

Researchers say smoking even one cigarette a day can kill you. Especially if you are smoking it after having sex with a woman whose husband just came home early.

Harvey Weinstein’s assistant says she was made to clean up his used condoms after he had sex. Which means she should get a Best Actress Oscar for doing that without throwing up all over the office.

Tom Cruise says the name of his new “Mission Impossible” movie will be “Fallout.” Which is not to be confused with what Harvey Weinstein did with his pants every time an actress came into his office.

Kim Kardashian says she is not having baby number four anytime soon. Mostly because since she used a surrogate, she really didn’t have baby number three.

Adam Hicks of Disney’s “Lemonade Mouth” was arrested for armed robbery. His mug shot is the one where he posed all puckered up.

Elton John has announced a 300 date farewell tour. Which at 70 years old means if he starts now it should end around 2047.

Grump Cat has been awarded $710,000 in a lawsuit. Despite what most people thought, it had nothing to do with it being grabbed by Donald Trump.

Grump Cat has been awarded $710,000 in a lawsuit. In cat terms, that means going from Friskies straight up to Fancy Feast.

The XFL is looking at possible team sites, including where they already have an NFL team. Which unfortunately pretty much takes Cleveland out of the picture.

A report says a multi-million dollar bet was placed at the MGM on the Eagles to win the Super Bowl. The good news is that even if the Patriots win, the bettor will get their money back with a comped room and free buffet.

Alex Rodriguez lost in a batting contest on “The Tonight Show” to a 22 month old. Although A-Rod says by looking at the kid’s sippy cup he can tell he was juiced.

The Ravens first round pick has been arrested for robbery. Unfortunately, he was also picked on the first round in a lineup.

The Ravens first round pick has been arrested for robbery. Of all the players they have had, he picks his mentor to be Ray Lewis.

The Las Vegas Golden Knights NHL team has a “kids only” policy for autographs at their arena. The only problem is that anyone under 10 keeps asking them which Pokemon character they play.

An Illinois representative wants an age limit on playing tackle football. The good news is, it’s not like any kids in the state are going to learn anything about tackling by watching the Bears.

LeBron James in an interview says what was his worst financial decision ever. Which is not joining the NBA when he was 12.

A report says Donald Trump wanted to borrow a Van Gogh painting from the Guggenheim for the White House but was instead offered a gold toilet. To which Trump declined, saying he already had his own.

A study says Oklahoma is the most polite state for business. Mostly because how rude can you be when the only thing you sell is oil, corn and beef?

A study says Oklahoma is the most polite state for business. Mostly because the only things Oklahomans know how to say is “Howdy, y’all,” “Yes Ma’am” and “No, sir!”

The person responsible for the Hawaii missile attack false alarm is not cooperating with an FCC investigation. What’s worse is that every time they try to ask a question, the answer is always “Incoming!”

A study says microwaves are as bad for the environment as cars. It’s hard to say which is worse for the environment, using microwaves to heat TV dinners or cars to go through the fast food drive-thru.

Johnny Manziel has not been ruled out by the XFL despite his criminal record. Apparently the league feels he paid his debt to society by having to spend two years living in Cleveland.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Just wanted to say thanks to all of you who read the blog every day. Feel free to tell your friends about it and if you want to drop a line, the best way is an e-mail to jimbarach@hotmail.com. I love to hear from you and of course my reward for spending the time writing all this stuff is when you all remember to always keep on sending the love!



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