Thursday, January 25, 2018

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers! From the most prolific joke writer on the planet...!

French President Emmanuel Macron told the elites at the Davos World Economic Forum they need to share their wealth with the rest of the world. The embarrassing part was when he ended his talk by passing around the beret.

French President Emmanuel Macron told the elites at the Davos World Economic Forum they need to share their wealth with the rest of the world. The sad part was him giving the speech next to a sign saying “Will work for baguettes.”

Geologists say an earthquake fault runs through the exclusive Rodeo Drive in Beverly Hills. Locals already knew it when they saw Michael J. Fox shopping there and walking in a straight line.

Geologists say an earthquake fault runs through the exclusive Rodeo Drive in Beverly Hills. And the people there thought they were being shaken down by Gucci.

Experts say the male chromosome could eventually disappear completely. Especially as long as there is facial moisturizer, mousse and eye gel.

Experts say the male chromosome could eventually disappear completely. To which most men are saying “Way to go, Harvey Weinstein.”

The world’s oldest supermodel has landed a campaign at age 89. The good news is that even after she dies, her skeleton will still make the weight requirements to keep on working.

Goldman Sachs CEO Lloyd Blankfein says he “really likes” what Donald Trump has done for the economy. Mainly giving him and all the other executives a huge tax cut and enabling his company to start unbridled plundering again.

A study says our lazy lifestyle will cause a surge in serious illnesses. Which is no big deal since most of us will already be used to being bedridden.

A study says our lazy lifestyle will cause a surge in serious illnesses. The four most likely are cancer, arthritis, dementia and I forget the other one.

Amazon’s Alexa is picking the Eagles to win the Super Bowl, while Apple’s Siri is going with the Patriots. The sad part is that super nerd Bill Gates is apparently behind Cortana’s pick of the Chicago Cubs.

A Las Vegas bettor reportedly put a $10 Million Super Bowl bet on the Eagles to win. It will be confirmed when the team’s entire offensive line shows up at the game with broken legs.

Pope Francis I condemned against the use of fake news. To which CNN proudly claimed they had no idea the Pope was a regular viewer.

Pope Francis I condemned against the use of fake news for political gain. To which the people in Washington, D.C. say whoever heard of getting any political gain using real news?

A study says swearing makes people happier, healthier more intelligent and honest. Finally some good news for Mel Gibson.

A study says swearing makes people happier, healthier more intelligent and honest. For anyone questioning those findings, just take a look at Ozzy Osbourne.

A study says swearing makes people happier, healthier more intelligent and honest. Which is why those pirates are so happy swabbing the deck, healthy with eye patches and peg legs and honest sharing their booty with charities.

The actor who played TV’s Barney now runs a tantric sex business. No one had any idea all this time under that purple dinosaur costume was Sting.

Donald Trump told members of Congress “No wall, no DACA.” To which immigrants are saying “No wall, no need for DACA!”

A valet at a Marriott in Florida gave the keys to a $300,000 Ferrari to the wrong person. No one had any idea there was a sequel in the making where Ferris Bueller takes a day off down South.

A valet at a Marriott in Florida gave the keys to a $300,000 Ferrari to the wrong person. Probably because it was the first time a Valet working at a Marriott had ever even seen a Ferrari.

Former USA Gymnastics doctor Larry Nassar was sentenced to 40 to 175 years in prison for molesting patients. It was the first time gymnasts ever gave a judge a “10.”

Donald Trump’s “hatred of sharks” has benefitted conservation charities. Although why wouldn’t Trump hate sharks as many times as he has been in bankruptcy court?

LG has raised the price of washing machines after Donald Trump assessed a new tariff. To which many people in the industry fear may lead to money laundering.

Elton John says he will retire after his upcoming tour. Which means it will be the last time fans will hear the introduction “The bitch is back!”

IPhone users will now be able to see their medical records using an app. Which is ironic for the people who lost their health from staring at a phone screen all day.

Starbucks has expanded its sick leave for employees. Especially the ones who injure themselves bouncing off the walls after drinking a quadruple espresso mocha latte.

Amazon is being criticized for selling clothes with the motto “Slavery gets s--t done.” Apparently Jeff Bezos was furious. The company’s business model is supposed to be a secret.

The USOC is calling for the entire USA Gymnastics board to resign in the wake of the prison sentencing of their team doctor. Apparently they want to just flip everyone on the panel.

American and Delta have revived a deal to handle stranded passengers. To which United is saying “Hey, thanks!”

A report says wealthy Americans hold the most student debt. Which is why they are wealthy by getting an education with loans they have no intention of ever paying off.

A report says wealthy Americans hold the most student debt. As opposed to people in Alabama who know their 3rd grade education is completely free.

Ford is blaming pricey metals for a bad year. No one had any idea the cost had gone up so much for nickel, tin and aluminum.

A survey of the nation’s mayors says housing costs is the number one reason people move elsewhere. Along with finding a job that can pay the mortgage, taxes, utilities and have a few dollars left over for some food.

A survey of the nation’s mayors says housing costs is the number one reason people move elsewhere. Although everyone knows the real reason people stay in a city is having a pro sports team with a decent chance of making the playoffs.

Scientists have developed smart contact lenses for diabetics to measure blood sugar. Which makes it apparent what caused the diabetes in people who are eating candy up to their eyeballs.

Scientists have developed smart contact lenses for diabetics to measure blood sugar. Although that wouldn’t even be an issue if they had contacts that allowed them to read nutrition labels to lay off the fat, sugar and salt.

Philadelphia is taking steps to fight overdoses by opening drug injection sites. Which until now were known as professional sports team locker rooms.

A study says dirty water is taking a toll on Americans’ health and wallets. On the other hand, what are a few extra medical bills when you can pick up a home for next to nothing in Flint, Michigan?

“Murphy Brown” is returning to CBS for a 13 episode run. Mostly because the people who enjoyed watching the sitcom back in the 1980s are now old enough to think about becoming regular CBS viewers.

“Murphy Brown” is returning to CBS for a 13 episode run. The tough part will be for people to believe a 71 year old woman can still have a job in TV news.

James Corden will host the Grammys, saying he just hopes to “not ruin it.” Which is usually only the case at an awards show if Kanye West can make it up to the stage.

A report says sexual harassment claims against public radio’s Garrison Keillor are much broader than first revealed. Apparently he kept asking women on staff if they wanted to be his prairie home companion.

“The Bachelor” contestant Krystal Nielson is taking a stand against online bullying and cruel comments. She says that kind of behavior should be between all the women contestants on the show.

The NBA says it would back legalized gambling if it gets a piece of the action. Which shows that Pete Rose would still be in good standing with baseball if he had just handed Bart Giamatti a cut of his winnings.

Minnesota Governor Mark Dayton paid $6,000 for a ticket to his home state’s Super Bowl. Which everyone in public office knows is an incredibly low price to pay for a political seat.

Minnesota Governor Mark Dayton paid $6,000 for a ticket to his home state’s Super Bowl. Which is a lot classier than when Jesse Ventura was governor and he would only buy tickets every year to WrestleMania.

Bob Costas says his “ambivalent” feelings about football were the reason he is sitting out coverage of the Super Bowl. That and the fact that only three people watching the broadcast will have any idea what the word “ambivalent” even means.

Diddy says Janet Jackson should perform at this year’s Super Bowl. The only problem is that organizers know if she is given the stage they will also have to book a make-up appearance for the Left Shark.

Alex Rodriguez says he will be working for both ESPN and Fox during the upcoming baseball season. Fortunately, his stamina isn’t in question as he took enough PEDs back in the 1990s to last him at least another decade.

Drake says he will make a song to go along with LeBron James’ historic milestone. Although his only problem is finding something that rhymes with “30 thousand.”

50 Cent accidentally made $8 Million after selling copies of a 2014 album for Bitcoins. Which ironically was back when Bitcoins were worth 50 cents.

50 Cent accidentally made $8 Million after selling copies of a 2014 album for Bitcoins. Although he didn’t make out quite as well on his 2015 album that he sold for Chuck E. Cheese tokens.

AAA says drivers are less afraid of self-driving car technology. Mostly because they figure it has to be safer than encountering a human driver texting behind the wheel.

John Kerry says he is considering a run against Donald Trump in 2020. Mostly because at 76 he will get to hear himself compared to the other Democratic hopefuls and be called one of the young guns.

John Kerry says he is considering a run against Donald Trump in 2020. Mostly because by then the issue won’t be about his past on the swift boats as much as his future on a Rascal Scooter.

Bettors are wagering on the State of the Union speech with odds that Donald Trump has a 77% chance of saying “North Korea” and a 32% chance of saying “fake news.” Although the best bet still is on the big payoff when he says “Covfefe.”

A new time for the atomic Doomsday Clock has been set at two minutes to midnight. Although one more year of Donald Trump’s tweets mocking North Korea will put the nuclear danger past 12 and all the way to 2:30 in the morning.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Well, yesterday was kind of sad around here. January 24th would have been the 50th birthday of my wife Karen. Unfortunately, she passed away nearly seven years ago from the genetic disease Cystic Fibrosis. I think about her every day and what a wonderful wife and mother she was. I see her every day in our daughter Summer who is now a freshman at Marshall University. I am just thankful for the 16 years we had together. We had some rough times financially but it was never an issue. We knew we would always stay together no matter what happened. I just wish she would have made it long enough to see Summer graduate college and start out on her own. She did a great job and it is evident in how much Summer has taken after her. (Sigh…) Oh, well. I just try to keep moving forward and these jokes are as much of therapy for me as anything else. It keeps me busy and from dwelling on anything negative. And of course there is the reward of the great feelings I get every day when all of you remember to always keep sending the love!



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