Wednesday, January 24, 2018

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers! From the most prolific joke writer on the planet...!

Switzerland has been rated as the world’s best country, with the U.S. dropping to 8th on the list. The worst part is that if we start falling any farther we could end up with the lower ranked “s--thole countries.”

Switzerland has been rated as the world’s best country, with the U.S. dropping to 8th on the list because it is less trustworthy and progressive. Which means maybe all that news about us isn’t so fake after all.

The parents of the California torture house reportedly wanted to be on a reality TV show. Apparently they felt how much worse could they be than “The Kardashians,” “Duck Dynasty” and “Honey Boo Boo” households?

The remains of a missing Mexican woman were found reportedly dismembered and cooked. It was hard to tell at first as she was mixed in with the other usual Mexican food ingredients of beans, sour cream, lettuce and tomatoes.

A New York City cabbie was arrested with $800,000 worth of meth in his car. Which just confirmed Uber drivers’ complaints that they are being underpaid.

 Senator Charles Schumer has withdrawn his offer to fund the border wall. Mostly because it would be more practical to put the wall where it could really do some good, between the Democrats and Republicans in Congress.

A Michigan man was arrested after threatening to gun down CNN employees over “fake news.” Which upset management at CNN who say it hurts to lose a quarter of their total viewership at once.

The Secret Service arrested a man in a car outside the White House who had a loaded gun. Fortunately he was reported to them by the three other people who walked into the White House through the unlocked back door.

Floridians will vote to restore voting rights to 1.5 Million felons. No one had any idea there were that many White House staffers who wanted to retire and move south.

Floridians will vote to restore voting rights to 1.5 Million felons. Or as Florida Republicans call felons, any Democrat trying to vote on election day.

Floridians will vote to restore voting rights to 1.5 Million felons. Which is ironic that the felons aren’t the Republicans making sure all the other eligible Florida Democrats can’t get their votes counted.

A study says children born by C-section are more likely to be obese. Which makes sense if they start out being too fat to even come out the traditional way.

A study says holding hands with a partner eases pain during childbirth. Especially when the woman giving birth knows her husband is close enough to where she can yell out “You did this to me!”

A college professor says self-driving cars will leave one third of the population jobless. Mostly because of all the people under 30 who can’t find any work other than driving for Uber.

Donald Trump denied during the signing to put tariffs on solar energy components that FBI Director Chris Wray threatened to resign. Which ironically comes at a time when this administration could use a little more sunshine on it.

A report says 16% of Millennials have $100,000 saved. Which shows how there is at least some benefit to living in your parents’ basement until you are 40.

A report says 16% of Millennials have $100,000 saved. Which will be back down to zero when the value of the three Bitcoins they bought last year finally crashes.

Disney will give employees a one-time $1,000 cash bonus because of the tax cut. Which will cover the cost for them to enjoy a half-day experience at Disney World.

Bank of America is ending its free checking program. Mostly because it’s hard to actually write a check for anything with an account balance of under $5.

The P&G CEO says his company is working to stop the Tide Pod challenge. It would be much safer if they would instead drink Scope, inhale Febreze or eat Ivory Soap.

The makers of Kleenex tissues will be cutting 5,500 jobs and closing 10 plants. Which is ironic in that when they hand out the pink slips, they will have 5,500 new customers.

A report says Millennials could kill off discount stores like Costco and Sam’s Club. How bad is it when a whole segment of the population doesn’t shop at Costco and Sam’s Club because they consider them too snooty?

A study says living in a neighborhood with a high rate of obesity increase the odds of others being overweight. The worst part is the study was done in the neighborhood known as “America.”

A study says juice is not as healthy as once thought. Especially if the juice in question has the last name “Simpson.”

A study says dining companions may influence how much you eat. Especially if your dinner partner is Chris Christie and there is never anything left when he is done.

A study says the survival rate is improving for people who go into cardiac arrest at a hospital. Mostly because doctors now insist on having a defibrillator nearby when patients are given their hospital bill.

A study says one third of Americans can’t eat without their cellphones. No kidding How else are they going to post every one of their meals on Facebook?

A study says one third of Americans can’t eat without their cellphones. Especially ever since they came up with that new knife and fork app.

A study says people who vote tend to be in better health than those who don’t. Except the people who voted for Donald Trump only to have him take away their health insurance.

A study says e-cigarettes could be a boon to public health or a major liability. Well, it’s good to see they have narrowed that down.

Neil Diamond has disclosed he has Parkinson’s Disease. It was becoming apparent when he sang the lyrics “Sweet Caroline, bah bah bah bahbahbahbahbahbahbah…”

A review says there isn’t enough evidence to show if pot smoking is bad for the heart. Maybe not directly, but it could have something to do with the three large pepperoni pizzas people eat after getting high.

“Flip or Flop” stars Christina and Tarek El Moussa have finalized their divorce. Which officially makes their marriage a “flop.”

Kobe Bryant has received an Oscar nomination for the animate short “Dear Basketball.” Although he really should have won before for all those years of acting like he got along with Shaq.

Kobe Bryant has received an Oscar nomination for the animate short “Dear Basketball.” Although more people thought the nomination for acting should have gone to LeBron James for his ability at flopping.

Kobe Bryant has received an Oscar nomination for the animate short “Dear Basketball.” When the announcement came out, even Harvey Weinstein had to say “Are you serious?”

“Teletubbies” star Simon Shelton has died at age 52. He played Tinky Winky, the purple character with a purse who was outed by Jerry Falwell as being gay. After that, his only career choice was being the puppeteer who operated Bert and Ernie.

Britney Spears says she is taking her “Piece of Me” Las Vegas show on tour. She wants to show she can lip sync just as well when she is on the road.

Macaulay Culkin says his dad was abusive. Although it turns out the same screaming look with his hands on his face in fear of his dad got him that job on “Home Alone.”

“Jackass” star Steve-O is engaged to his girlfriend Lux Wright. The couple will spend their honeymoon in the ER after riding a shopping cart off the roof of the church.

“Jackass” star Steve-O is engaged to his girlfriend Lux Wright. That will be the wedding where his groomsmen will all Taser him right when he says “I do.”

Tiger Woods says he is ready to return to the PGA Tour. Not to say he has made that claim several times since 2008, but most golf fans are figuring he may actually be healthy enough to play in time for his 2025 debut on the Champions Tour.

Kyle Busch says NASCAR promoting young drivers over the veterans is “stupid.” It’s bad enough that the seniors are at a disadvantage when making pit stops and taking an extra five minutes just to pee.

Kyle Busch says NASCAR promoting young drivers over the veterans is “stupid.” The younger drivers are upset about the seniors stopping at all the caution flags and always driving with their left blinker light on.

Bob Costas has been left out of NBC’s Super Bowl coverage. The sad part is he found out when he saw none of the announcers’ chairs had a booster seat.

A Tesla Model S on autopilot crashed into a fire truck in California. Which is great that the cars are programmed to find fire trucks now before they burst into flames.

A study says catastrophic global warming is less likely than previously thought. Which means we now will more likely bake or roast instead of being broiled.

Biologists say finding viruses is the first step to finding aliens. Which Donald Trump says proves that immigrants are bringing those viruses in from all those “s--thole countries.”

The CEO of Uber says leaks and the media made the company better. To which Donald Trump agrees, saying leaks and the media will make the U.S. much better just as soon as he can finally get rid of both.

Donald Trump has nominated the wife of former Louisiana Senator David Vitter for federal judge. Which is a good thing he waited until now before she had the chance to give her husband the death penalty for getting caught using all those hookers.

Pennsylvania Representative Pat Meehan denies harassing a former aide calling her his “soul mate.” Now who would consider a married man referring to a coworker as his soul mate as harassment?

Pennsylvania Representative Pat Meehan denies harassing a former aide calling her his “soul mate.” Which will no doubt cause his wife to change her status in their relationship to “plaintiff.”

Mitch McConnell commented on the immigration debate saying “I intend to keep my word.” Which means now everyone knows he is lying.

CIA Director Mike Pompeo says Donald Trump gets information three ways. Visual presentations, near daily discussions and in fortune cookies.


That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! This country seems more divided than ever. Except for that Civil War thing that was pretty polarizing. Thank goodness we can all unite in a couple weeks to root for Tom Brady and the Patriots to get pummeled in the Super Bowl. It’s good to see the NFL finally bringing us all together. As a Raiders fan I can only use this time of year to do some hating. But that is offset by the warm feeling I get when all of you remember to always keep on sending the love!


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